How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

I'd like to offer a different perspective on that description:

As you mentioned yourself, she is caring and compassionate. The "uncaring" and "egoistic" label for ND is often applied unfairly. Many ND people do care and help others in need. But the difference is the control of the situation and the actual need.

Someone forgot their money and can't buy ice cream on the trip: person needs help, she feels sorry for them - she's able to help and does so.
Bringing sweets to the class: voluntarily and planned activity, also as others pointed out, class is a social situation you'll be in for the forseeable time; it helps to have your friends. On the other hand, NDers sometimes try to "compensate" for perceived "deficiencies" (feeling different / less), which is why they try to make up the difference with giving things.

Sharing items at home / with family: a different situation when home is the area where she can look after her own needs more.
In the case of the sweets situation, if her brother has equally many sweets as she has, there is objectively no need to share her own (even if her brother acts different). Each kid has the same amount of sweets. If her brother shares some, that's his decision. She does share in class, so why does she have to do it all the time?

About the toys: some people are very particular about things. They might also fear that items get broken when someone else uses them. Some people also have (irrational) fears about others using their stuff. Maybe they have bad experiences where someone else broke an item they were emotionally attached to. Maybe they like the way they arranged their possessions.

Why does it always have to be shoved down into people that they have to share everything / let everyone else use their stuff? As long as she can take turns on communal items like at a playground and is social and reasonable enough at school, I don't see why it would be so wrong to let her have some areas where she is in control and the things are only hers. As she proved with the help for the child who forgot the money, if a situation warrants it, she does share.
Her brother presumably has his own toys.

@Donotneedit The turning point with my oldest was when a friend who had a child with autism told me that he was showing signs of it and talked about some possible strategies. From that day I treated him as if he was ND even though he didn't have a diagnosis yet (eventually he got one). Previously I had been advised by people to be stricter, punish him, force him to do things etc and it was just not working at all. I use the same strategies now with my youngest who is also awaiting an appointment for investigation. People have their opinions and I'm accused of spoiling, pandering etc but picking my battles and making sure he is not overstimulated or subject to too much demand is critical.

Exactly @DrCoconut it’s only when the other stuff doesn’t work you get forced into trying different stuff like this, anyone who hasn’t had to do it can sit at the sidelines judging all they want

My autistic son can't do maths to save his life.

Does this mean every autistic child is useless at maths?

No.

ND or NT - everyone is an individual and express their emotions in their own way.

Some ND children will hit out in the heat of the moment as they don't process information in the same way, and many have a very trigger happy Fight or Flight response. That is beyond their control until they have matured a bit - and possibly have some outside assistance to recognise and manage these reactions.

I'm glad you're sure, for whatever reason, that your daughter is not ND, but please DON'T go down the "everyone is a little bit autistic", or "everyone has some autistic traits" route!! Apart from being highly insulting to autistic people, not to mention, extremely dismissive of the difficulties we struggle with daily, it's also not true. Autism is not defined, nor diagnosed, by the traits we have but by the severity of those traits and the impact they have on our lives, not to mention the obvious; the sheer number of those traits present. And no one was being Dr Google, that was also highly insulting (and ironic, given that you, yourself, have "diagnosed" your child as not ND, and not through being assessed by a professional, or you would have simply said that). Don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear advice taken from personal experience, which was what the majority of those who suggested an ND possibility were giving. We know what we're talking about, (for the most part. I'll ignore the one who decided they knew what was what because they think every ND child acts the same way), and therefore we recognised a lot of suggestive behaviour. I haven't read all the replies but from what I have read, I haven't seen anyone outright "diagnose" your child. We gave our thoughts. Which was what was asked for. But you didn't like those thoughts, so are now insulting autistics. Great response. I'm leaving this thread now because your response has highlighted your character admirably. I was feeling for you, whether your child was ND or simply a spoilt brat. I don't feel for you anymore. Good luck.

All those of you excusing violent behaviour in ND children, how do you feel about ND men who beat up their partners?

Is it a valid ‘excuse’ and can’t be helped if overwhelmed/ having a meltdown?

I've not seen any of those. Unless your conflating discipline with punishment which obviously aren't the same thing?

A meltdown and a tantrum are 2 different things.

We're not excusing, we're explaining. The difference is vast.
If neurodiversity is spotted early, and parents adapt their coping strategy, then children will grow up far, far less likely to retain the need to act with violence, because they will have learned healthy coping strategies from their parents.

It's all about prevention. ND men who are violent can also be rehabilitated if they receive the right care. There's still no excuse for their behaviour and it should not be tolerated, but there are different ways of addressing that and the punitive route is not always the best one.

I don't see anyone who has excused it. People have said it has to be dealt with differently in ND children. And absolutely should be dealt with.

So-called strategies actually require the ND child to actually engage. If they don’t want to engage with the lego therapy or whatever bollocks they recommend then nothing can be done.

And why would they engage when they can get away with punching an adult?

If you can learn to parent appropriately, then the child isn't required to engage with anything, it just happens.

Half of appropriate parenting is knowing your child, being aware of potential triggers, giving a bit of thought to what activities are planned and possible scenarios, and doing things as appropriate.

It's not about Lego therapy or any other therapy. I think you have got the wrong end of the stick and mixing up strategies with therapies.

Parenting strategies are not therapy. They are ways of parenting that prevent or minimise meltdowns and enable the autistic child to cope better with life, which means they are far less likely to actually lash out and more likely to end up as functioning adults who can cope with life.

But you go on sneering about lego therapy in your bubble, by all means. 🙄

This sounds really hard,OP. I had to reread your OP to see her age and assumed she was 2 or 3 at first. You asked about normal and I don’t believe regular tantrums are usual at 8.

it sounds like you’ve had a lot of ‘golden child syndrome’ feedback from close family. Can you ask the adults to give you examples and start there?

I’d have zero tolerance for hitting her brother or anyone else. That is really low. Sit her down tomorrow and explain it won’t be tolerated any more and if it happens again there will be serious, instant consequences (she loses something she values Hobbies? Screen time?). Then she knows and you must follow through if it happens. Plus plenty of attention for DS.

Equally, neurodivergence is a term used to encompass a huge variety of conditions, besides autism. Who is to say she doesn't have one of the many others (including adhd - lack of impulse control), or overlapping ones? To echo someone else up thread, children do well if they can. All behaviour is communication, regardless of neurodivergence. Poor kid getting called Verruca Salt by her cousins, and her mum calling her a spoilt brat. By age 8, neuro typical children might whinge, or complain, or argue, or stamp their feet, but they've usually developed the ability to regulate their emotions and certainly it isn't 'normal' for them to still be having tantrums, or 'meltdowns'. Whatever is going on with this child, more punishment is not likely to achieve anything but escalation if it hasn't worked so far.

I don’t know how old your son is, so this may be irrelevant- DS couldn’t do maths to save his life. He was really behind at school- like, barely performing at reception level. Turned out he can’t do numbers. His secondary teacher started them all at the same point and as if by magic he could do it all! He ended up being great at maths as soon as maths was more than ‘number work’.

He still has no concept of numerical value unless it relates to data and ping and download… but he’s got a great job in tech and can do whatever he wants.
He just can’t do number bonds and arithmetic.

So if your lad is still young, try some different strategies. Mine looked like he’d be unemployable and have no qualifications, when he was 8/9/10. He was so far behind. Couldn’t read, write or add up! Bless him.
You never know!

He is early 20s now. No qualifications at all, but has found his niche, has a job he enjoys albeit low paid, and is ticking along, has just started taking on extra tasks at work which should lead to a bit of a pay rise.

Fundamentally he is a nice lad, he just didn't fit the mould we are currently trying to fit all youngsters into.

That pesky trigger-happy flight or fight response was an issue for us. Thankfully the "fight" bit rarely occurred, but the "flight" part was off the chart.

I ended up homeschooling him for a couple of years in the end as he couldn't cope with secondary school. That was the calmest period we had, it was brilliant and we had lots of fabulous days out together.

I put him back into mainstream education to try to get some qualifications and it was like flipping a switch, it all started again, with weed thrown in to the mix. I really, really regret doing that putting him back into mainstream. He got no qualifications at the end of it but spiraled into self-harm along the way.

It’s awful, isn’t it? I was lucky to be able to put him in a school with only 150 pupils. He was lost in mainstream primary.

But personal qualities shine in the workplace- diligence and reliability etc.