How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

Thank you! She is not ND. I’m not giving my whole life story here and whole background but she is not ND! I personally think it’s being the eldest in our family plus the eldest granddaughter on both sides she’s been spoilt rotten. I didn’t see it it’s just crept up. The other kids don’t get as much as she has in her life. But bring devils advocate if she was ND how would a label help her?

to add - most people if you look deep enough has some ND traits! Look at the signs and symptoms and I guarantee you you will see some traits you have. I’m going to stop reading now as this is getting ridiculous she’s not autistic or masking. Not every child is autistic! Really silly. I can go on Google now and find thousands of conditions I may potentially have. Dr Google is dangerous. I know my child.

My dd is a model pupil at school. Yesterday she told me she fucking hates me when it was time for us to leave an event. She's hit me twice in two days for no apparent reason, too. She is ND and struggles with transitions. Her anxiety is currently through the roof as it's almost the end of term and there's virtually no usual routine/ structure at school - it's all sports days, leavers production, festivals etc. She leaves infants next week and starts Juniors in September. We are in for a very rough ride after a wonderfully settled Year 2.

Does your dd struggle with other transitions, too? You say she has regular meltdowns at home.

She only has meltdowns when she doesn’t get her way. Cousins call her a character from Charlie and chocolate factory I don’t remember her name.

Verruca Salt.

😬 what are you doing to undo the damage of being ‘spoilt’?

Do u lot really think if I had any doubt she was ND I wouldn’t have looked into it! You have no idea what I do for a living or my family background so just stop. If she was ND I would have no shame in getting her help. Kids can be brats without being autistic kids can also be both. All you lot know is one part I’ve written in an anyonmous forum. I’m actually angry at all the diagnosis given in here. Are any of you qualified? Having a ND child doesn’t make you qualified to diagnose kids you haven’t even met! This is really funny actually. It’s beyond ridiculous. Fair enough if any of you met her I could take your advice seriously but you’re going by what a stressed out mother is writing. Full disclosure when people write “often” it could be everyday, could be once a week or could be once a month. People are emotive when they write posts you can’t diagnose on one post.

She's quite controlling, too? What sort of things where she doesn't get her way? Are things a constant battle of wills and does she frequently refuse to do as she's told, despite having rewards and consequences applied to her behaviour? If you do all the usual parenting strategies and behaviour management, consistently, then something else is likely going on with her.

Why are you so defensive? And what harm is there in getting her screened?

Being diagnosed if she were ND can help a lot. You would be able to learn specific strategies that would be more effective. You could get referrals that could also help with her behaviour. And as she gets older she may start to struggle with school and you could get help there too.

Noone is diagnosing her. We just see patterns of behaviour that indicate possible ND.

Fair enough then. She's a brat, and you've made her like that by enabling her behaviour. She's innately badly behaved, but keep going with the strategies you're trying and which clearly don't work for her or for you. I'm not sure what you're expecting from your post, when you clearly believe she's just a badly behaved child. Children don't behave like this unless there's something else going on - either bad/ inconsistent parenting, high, uncontrolled levels of anxiety or a significant or traumatic life event that changes previously good behaviour. Kids aren't just born brats.

Coping strategies for ND behaviour might still be useful even if your daughter isn't ND. It might be worthwhile to read through some of the comments again and see if any of them could be helpful.

You didn't mention getting it looked into, you just dismissed it because she copes well at school. So what have you actually done in order to rule out ND?

Fair enough if you feel sure.

Then she sounds like a deeply unpleasant brat as a result of your soft parenting.

She will get a lot worse and the teen years will be hell as she grows more out of control.

You allowing her to hurt her sibling is dreadful.
Poor child.
It should be scorched earth consequences for hurting a sibling.
You are failing the both badly.

You need to find the energy and effort to do better.
She wouldn't be going on any more play dates or out shopping until she demonstrated better behaviour.

My dd was like this. I didn't see it as embarrassing me but more she could let out her feelings with me. I always punished the hitting (screen ban usually). When she hit 15-17, Jesus I almost lost my sanity as she was so verbally abusive and violent (smashed up her room).

There were signs of ND and she had ed-psych assessment, but there was nothing definitive.

Now? She's a well-adjusted, happy and thriving adult with friends and partner. We have a wonderful relationship and she has apologised for her previous behaviour.

My advice (my family also thought she was spoilt) is to continue to punish the behaviour but also recognise she will get overwhelmed, so plan for it. Acknowledge her feelings "now, you probably don't want to go but we are" and then talk about a positive (like it's her favourite for tea).

Also, she is not doing this to embarrass you but showing you how she feels. She needs help to regulate, so talk to her about it.

Sometimes people hear what they want to hear you have written that she is not ND because she is fine at school.

This is not saying that she is not ND it is just saying they don't have an issue with her.

Schools are not doctors (that said GPs are pretty useless as well on this subject, I digress)

Look up masking, look up why ND children are fine at school only to melt down away from it.

Nobody is trying to diagnose your daughter OP. People were just pointing out that, actually, they wouldn't rule out ND as what you have described sounds like she could be. We can only go on the information you've given us, which would point towards there being a possibility (nobody here has said she IS ND, just that she could be). You're right, we don't know your daughter, we're just pointing out that you may have misunderstood ND by automatically ruling it out.

You ask what benefit a 'label' would have. Well, it would help her to understand herself better and for others to understand her. It would help you to learn strategies to deal with meltdowns and pre-empt them to reduce the risk. It will hopefully make life a little bit easier, if she is ND, to have a recognised diagnosis.

Yes, she could indeed just be a brat. In my experience though, children who are just 'spoilt brats' are less likely to mask in different situations. That's their personality and they're generally like that everywhere. People often have this idea that Autism can't be controlled so therefore children who mask can't actually be autistic but autism presents in so many different ways. Children with high-functioning autism often sense they are different. They desperately want to please in school, and spend all day desperately trying to follow the social norms they don't truly understand, putting on an act for fear of rejection if people at school see the real them. They are choosy over who sees their meltdowns and their quirks. They relax at home, and that's when the meltdowns flow as they finally release the stress of the day. Look up the 'coke-bottle effect'.

If you don't feel this fits your daughter fair enough, you do know her best. People aren't trying to suggest you don't know her, or diagnose her based on small snippets of information. People are just trying to help you to help her by pointing out that it could be a possibility. You didn't say earlier that you had researched ND, you just appeared to dismiss it. All people are doing is pointing out that it's worth looking into if you hasn't done so already. Ultimately people's suggestions of ND is to try and help you both, if it is a possibility she is.

This forum is crazy. The mother of the child is telling people she is not ND and recognises that there may be behavioural elements caused by spoiling her, yet posters still insist she needs an assessment.

Has the level of parenting in this country got so bad that every child needs an assessment and a diagnosis so the parent can sit back and say “see, it wasn’t me and my lack of discipline, they have a problem that’s not my fault”

Verucca Salt is the spoilt child in Charlie and the chocolate factory book.

I think it's really positive you have asked on here for help. She is only 8, you can still turn things around.

I would read up on behaviour and child psychology so you have techniques to stick to when she is acting out against you.

You need to have your partner and all other involved adults on board too, to present a united front.

Clear rules and boundaries and consequences. And positive reinforcement for complying and small signs of compassion.

My now grown up child is probably ND, we never managed to get to the top of that waiting list as they have other health problems which took priority.
I hit back twice I'm not proud of it, but it was a reflex reaction when I was at the end of my tether and exhausted. The second time my child hit back twice as hard, actually bruised my face. I backed off, because where to you go from there - hit back again, harder? Bruise your child? Would you do that?
We backed off with punishments, as all that happened was the behaviour spiralled, they didn't see any point in trying, as at some point they wouldn't cope and it would result in punishment.

We started praising small things and worked hard to avoid triggers - giving transition warnings, didn't take them round the supermarket, made sure they had enough downtime and decompression time. Things have been better for a while, but we went through a phase of self harm and turning their frustration on themselves.

It sounds to me like you aren't clear enough on boundaries and are letting bad behaviour slide for an easy life. For example if she wants to push the trolley and then is misbehaving doing it e.g. crashing into things you say - don't crash into things. If you do it again then you won't get to push the trolley any more. And follow through immediately. If it's an expectation that she needs to share her sweets then set that out when buying them- you need to share at least one sweet with your brother today or no more sweets. And follow through, no matter what she says or does.

Is there a particular reason she might be feeling resentful of you, do you get much one to one time?

The books I recommended earlier in the thread (The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child) are helpful, or at least, I found them helpful, because they encourage the parent to look at how their own behaviour and feelings are helping or hindering the situation.

Finding your children embarrassing (which we all do at times) doesn't generally lead to stellar parenting decisions.

Children can and do show self-control at school and then have melt-downs at home. It's very common. Dd was liké that with probably undiagnosed PDA.

Saying if a child hits you more than once it's your fault is a horrible thing to say.

If that was adults we'd say it's victim blaming.

To be honest, there are 3 types of parent when it comes to ND in my experience.

There are of course those who pick up the possible signs, research it and accept it could be their child so get them assessed and accept/embrace the diagnosis if it comes.

There are those whose child is just a brat, based on their piss poor parenting, who can't accept this and are adamant their child must be ND. They push for an assessment despite nobody else (schools etc) sharing their concerns, as everyone around them can see their parenting is the problem.

Then there are others, who desperately don't want a ND diagnosis, so bury their head in the sand. They'd rather face the idea of them being the problem (ie poor parenting), than accept their child could be ND. The world is so much more understanding and accepting of ND these days, but there are still stigmas and misconceptions. Many still think don't think it's possible that their child could be, or are so against the idea they convince themselves they can't be.

I think many on here have picked up that OP could be in the 3rd category and were gently trying to coax them to research it further, as it's so unusual for parents to hold their hands up and say "ok, what am I doing wrong ? What can I do better?" when they do generally just have a brat. So many parents are desperate for a diagnosis these days to explain away poor behaviour, even when it's clear their child isn't ND. This way around, of parents accepting that it is just bad behaviour, is more unusual if it is indeed just a case of poor behaviour. As OP is so fiercely adamant their child can't be ND, it does indicate there could be a touch of denial involved. That's all.

That's not what everyone is saying at all though, is it? Op has said the usual strategies don't seem to work. If you continue doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always had. As someone up thread said, even if she's not ND, some of those parenting strategies may actually work. If your understanding from all of the advice offered here by parents of nd children is that they believe an effective strategy is giving them an iPad, then I think you have been extremely selective about what you've read and understood. If the reason for op's dd's bad behaviour is ineffective parenting, then there are plenty of free parenting courses she can enrol on, which the vast majority of nd parents have already completed - because it has been a necessity precursor to accessing support. And no, "give them an ipad" does not feature in any parenting course. Indeed, most parents do the courses and have a defining moment of "these are all the things I've done with my child, and which don't work". If op is saying she believes her parenting is the issue, then fair enough - she needs to change her parenting and hope it's not too late to remedy.

OP, have you had a chat with the school about your concerns about her behaviour? Even if they're not seeing it in school, informing them helps them to build a picture of her personality as a whole, not just her school persona. They can keep a closer eye. IF she is ND, schools often don't start picking up on the signs with 'model pupils' until they hear about hone life and start to join some dots. They'll be able to informally observe her in school, to see what they notice.

Schools often have family support workers too who can suggest strategies and tips, or enrol you on parental behaviour management courses etc.