How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

Good answer OP.

Does she ever regret her behaviour?

She is maybe a little old for it but do you try role play with her? So , for example, after hitting you in the park trying to get her to replay what she could have done and how she could have managed her behaviour. I'd also be asking her how other kids might respond in the situation and what the other people around might be thinking of her. I bet you've already tried this but it's worrying if she isn't embarrassed by her own behaviour.
I'd still carry on with punishments. Removing the iPad and screen time might work well. I assume you've got it set up correctly and have proper parental control set up on it.

Are there any other factors that might be making her worse? Does she witness bad behaviour elsewhere? How do you and your partner (if you have one) behave? Do either of you have a 'temper'

One thing you need to be really careful of is how this is effecting your son.

No one has suggested that, though. And I can assure you those of us with ND DC still discipline, we just do it in a way that is effective for a ND child.

No one has said don't discipline her. People have said if she is ND the current strategies may not help and others may be more effective.

Their has been multiple posters saying dont discipline her as disciplining a ND child doesn't work. Yet they seem to think op is the one with the problem.

No idea why you are so angry OP at posters suggesting ND. If my child was acting out every time I saw people I would want to consider all possibilities.

It might be ND, it might just be bad behaviour. Either way you need to find a way to deal with it. Because no one is suggesting ND is an excuse for kicking off and hurting others, just that it might provide an explanation. Understanding why something is happening gives you a starting point to work out how to deal with it.

Since whatever you're doing now is not working. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, says children do well if they can. I hope you can help your daughter work out how to do well.

I haven't kept reading the full thread because I can't even, but of course you impose discipline on an ND child. It's just that all the usual tactics (taking away tech, even hitting) do not work. There are tried and tested strategies that do, and the aim here is to transfer to those, and also to not make it all about 'my child is embarrassing me' but about the welfare of the child.

But bring devils advocate if she was ND how would a label help her?

Because ND children don't respond to normal methods of discipline and it might help you to understand what strategies will work. Your current ones don't seem to be having much effect. You say 'don't you think I wouldn't have looked into in if I thought shd was ND', but you don't actually say if you HAVE looked into it.

I haven't read the whole thread but I have read all your posts. One thing really stood out to me- her behaviour isn't about you. It isn't about embarrassing you. Her behaviour is about her.

Behaviour is communication, something about specific situations isn't working and she's developed a strategy to deal with it that's unhelpful for all of you.

So- not about you. Think about what's going on for her. I promise she isn't lying awake at night thinking up ways to embarrass you!

Secondly- all children respond individually to situations whether NT or ND. So you need to find strategies that work for you and her, regardless of what label the strategies carry.

Some ideas-
talk about behaviour kindly at other times. Have Saturday breakfast together with waffles and stuff and say something like 'I got really upset and cross yesterday when you were shouting and crying at the playground. Can you explain what was going on for you so we can do it differently next time? It wasn't very nice for anyone.'
You can come up with strategies for what to do when she feels like that.

Have some destressing activities that you do often and that she can ask for when she need it- like hot chocolate or a big squeezy hug or a bounce on the trampoline. Make a collection of those things. Do them often and remind her she can choose one of those if she's getting a bit agitated.

It's about teaching her better strategies for managing frustration/disappointment/sadness etc.

There are all sorts of ways of teaching children to be more emotionally resilient- including avoiding situations that trigger problems.

I had one that couldn't decide how to spend pocket money. School trips had to take him somewhere else while the other children went to the souvenir shop. It was a big deal and it had to be managed. That's ok. Sometimes they aren't able to handle particular things yet.

Counselling?

This child does not have a diagnosis, nor is she under investigation for one. Most children are neurotypical.

For whatever reason she is not as emotionally developed as you would expect from an 8 year old. Whether that is due to environmental factors (parenting, family dynamics etc) or just how she is. Rather than focusing on punishment because she should be able to, think about helping her to learn the skills she needs. It's a shift in your thinking and will help her too. You wouldn't punish a child because they struggled with maths or reading because they can't help it, why can't we think the same about emotional development? Lots of good tips already on how to hel0 her cope with control and transitions.

Yep.

There's no harm in assessing and at the very least. Some of the strategies we use for our kids to avoid them getting overwhelmed and having meltdowns might actually be worth trying anyway.

I absolutely did not say that 🤣🤣. I'm also autistic and have never been violent. All autistic children and adults are different. I was saying this little girl could be ND and it's worth taking a closer look because I'd had a similar experience and there are effective ways to help with this behaviour that will be much better for the whole family than taking away an ipad. You were being dismissive and rude because your experience of an autistic child hasn't been the same and therefore it was basically ridiculous to suggest another child who has hit out might be autistic. As I said, you can roll your eyes and misunderstand (purposely or not) all you like, but there are many of us that have been there and would love to stop just one family going through the same. Whether people choose to look into it or not is up to them, but we're all allowed to talk about our experiences, not just you 😬. Anyway, as OP doesn't want to look at it, that's fine (despite all the reasons being things we thought at one point) so I'll leave you all to discuss punishment etc.

One point on punishment and consequence though would be to ask a couple of questions first. 1. Does your child know the behaviour is unacceptable? 2. Do they feel bad about the behaviour? If both answers are yes, I'd ask what you want to achieve.

Yep. Usual methods don't work with ND children because their brains work differently and they struggle to understand what are appropriate ways to react when they can't get their way, leading to meltdowns because they can't articulate themselves.

Any more clues going straight over your head there?

Well have you looked into it? You haven't actually said. Has she had an assessment? That's a simple yes or no. My guess is she hasn't because you would have just said so in your first post if she had been assessed and found not to be.

But NT children also have meltdowns when they don’t get their own way. Thats kind of the point- they aren’t getting what they want and they want to let people know how they feel about that. Thats not something only seen in ND children.

They don’t actually. They have tantrums. Quite different.

But one persons tantrum is another’s meltdown. My friend regularly calls her daughters obvious temper tantrums a meltdown.

I have ASD, so believe me I know what a meltdown is. My meltdowns have always involved silence and withdrawal. Someone else’s might look like a tantrum. See the problem we have here?

HEllo114

so sorry you’re going through this, my middle son was exactly the same as your daughter, he was well behaved at school but was so naughty and embarrassing with me, his health visitor had the view that he was naughty with me as he knew I loved him but with others he knew he had to earn it, he himself once said to me that he used all his goodness up in school and only had badness left. I’m very sad to say that at the age of 34 he’s still the same

Quite.

In the past five years, I've never heard any of my friends who have NT say "tantrum". They all say "meltdown".

It's frustrating because meltdowns and tantrums really aren't the same thing and need different approaches. If I as a ND, person say, "I had a meltdown in the airport so I was unable to get on the plane", it makes me sound like a spoiled two year old who's thrown themselves on the floor in Tesco because Mum wouldn't buy them a chocolate bar, and it shouldn't. Us ND people have a word that describes what is happening to us and it's been misused by NT people to the point that it's meaningless now, and there's no other word for us to use for it.

When my friends of NT kids arrive late and say "Sorry we just couldn't get out the door, Nova wouldn't put her shoes on and I've had an absolute meltdown to deal with."

It's really not the same at all as when friends of ND kids are talking about genuine meltdowns, where their kids might be bashing their heads against a wall repeatedly and tearing chunks out of their hair and from which it can take hours to get them regulated and feel safe again. Personally, I find it quite frustrating when people refer to a tantrum as a meltdown. But all the kids are having them these days!

Then there's the opposite problems...when a ND is having a meltdown in a public place and the older generation moan about the "spoiled little madam having a tantrum, she'd have had a smacked bottom in my day!"

My meltdowns have always involved silence and withdrawal.

See, for me that's what I call a shutdown rather than a meltdown.

Language, eh?

And meltdowns aren't a way for us to "get what we want".

It's often that we've become completely overwhelmed by sounds/noise/lights/people/smells/our clothing/texture/being touched or whatever trigger/triggers are there that we are in absolute terror or physical pain and we can't get ourselves back to normal.

As a child, a few times I didn't get what I wanted so I threw myself on the floor, kicked, screamed and told my mother I hated her then happily stopped when she bought be the toy anyway.

That was a tantrum.

Clinging to the walls, lamposts and hedges, trying to throw myself in front of traffic, crying to the point of vomiting, screaming and not being able to speak, having to be dragged into a building by three adults whenever I had to visit a hospital...that was actually a meltdown. Largely related to the lighting/smell/fear of the unknown/coldness of medical instruments etc. Smacking my bum and telling me I was a nasty little girl and look at what I was doing to my poor mother didn't help, A community nurse visiting my home, taking time to be kind and explain with pictures what would happen at hospital, why things smelled certain ways and letting me touch equipment etc...that helped a 4 year long problem.

Which was of course labelled as a "phobia" back then because I was "above average intelligence, kind and an angel in school" and only naughty little boys could be ND.

But what yo are saying is that she is choosing to be like this.?
To what end,? As she will know you are annoyed. Hear presumably the cousins calling her names? Verruca salt. Know that her school friends saw her getting mean with her mum.

Its not usual 8 year old behaviour. Spolit kids can be brats but they would start to control that behaviour like at school.

How old would you rate her behaviour
at school
At home
With cousins

perhaps she find the younger cousins very frustrating in a way kids her age are not at school.
The park to home is a transition but also free play in the park can involve compromises

Its true we dont know the full situation but also true that most 99% of parents wouldnt be able to ID asd in girls as it is not all (necessarily) at all lacking eye contact or stimming or language issues etc

It maybe struggkes with school shows or sports day or new places.

My eldest would probably be now at 12
at school 10 (with every so often drops down to say 8 refusing to do things)
At home 6-7 or out with us (fighting sister, not putting anything in bin, arguing)
Food issues have got more restrictive from when she was 7
Will not initiate any homework and its a battle
With cousins 10

Dc2 age 9
at school 9+. Except no close friends
At home. 6-7 (lot of refusal, arguing)
With cousins 8-9
At parties i would say 7-8 lot of crying when injured or there too long

The sheer irony of these comments is something else. So it's just YOUR experience that matters? To attribute ND for every child's bad behaviour is frankly offensive. Why do you think you know this child better than the OP?

You were being dismissive and rude because your experience of an autistic child hasn't been the same

you can roll your eyes and misunderstand (purposely or not) all you like, but there are many of us that have been there and would love to stop just one family going through the same

How dare you say these things to me. Just who do you think you are? The arrogance of your comments is on another level. You don't seem to be able to see outside of your experience. OP has already said her child is NT. Accept it, she knows her child better than you.

I think the problem is that OP hasn’t actually confirmed if she has had an assessment but just launches into anyone who suggests there may be underlying issues, which sadly makes it appear that she has already decided herself that her child is just badly behaved and doesn’t want to hear any alternative reasons.

If you are that sure she isn’t ND then the problem lies with you. It’s your bad parenting. Why are you letting her hit you or her siblings. Being bratty and spoiled isn’t normal either so you need to control that. Perhaps look into classes . Sounds like serious chats are needed and punishments.