How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you can't pin your embarrassment on her, that is your emotion. You can choose to stop being embarrassed.

Whether she is nd or not, she clearly struggles with transitions and the way you are currently approaching them is not working. To fix the problem you need to change the approach.

Also, yes girls are more likely to mask successfully in public and meltdown in the safe space, which is with you.

Then stop spoiling her.

Actually I had this but ds was much younger. He never hit me though. In the end I had a quiet word with him and said it would be lovely if he could hug me/be happy to see me (after preschool). I said that sometimes it made me sad that he wanted to stay and not come with me as I loved him so much. (I can't remember what I said exactly but it was a conversation at a different time to the incident.) he really listened and it improved massively. He's not perfect obviously and now he's a grumping teen but he hadn't seen it from my point of view before. Try a chat whilst having a cuddle at bedtime or something. A?chat before punishment if you see what I mean.

Nothing here would indicate she is not ND, and not to be patronising but from what you've written I don't think you have any realistic knowledge of ND indicative behaviours.

I would strongly reccomend having her assessed for ND.

That isn't a battle I would fight. Is she sensible when pushing it? If yes then let her do it, if no then ask for her help in getting items off the shelf, or ask her to look out for the ketchup from the condiments aisle type things. Shopping is boring for adults who tag along, so it's really boring for kids.

Sorry I didn't read the full thread. It still might be worth a conversation though. How proud you are of her behaviour at school etc.

I think that you shouldn't be focusing on your embarrassment. She isn't trying to embarrass you, and your feelings, as the adult, aren't the priority.

She's clearly struggling with transitions. Whether or not she has a neurodisibility, you can use the sorts of interventions that support transitions - social stories, a "now and next" board, a transition treat.

You might be able to talk about how she feels at the moment when she hits, and practice some regulation skills - things like breathing exercises.

But I agree that it's an unusual reaction in an 8yo that is very commonly associated with having a neurodisibility.

This says it all really.

Punishments sometimes escalate the bad behaviour because then the child isn't just disappointed at the outing ending but upset about the consequences as well. Once you know a punishment is coming then there's nothing to lose by continuing to be upset.

Your daughter seems to value time with her friends and struggle when it ends. You might try giving her an incentive to help her cope with the goodbyes. Set the expectations before the outing. "I know it's frustrating when it's time to say goodbye. If you come give your friends a hug nicely when it's time to go home, we can see them again next Tuesday. When we get home, why don't we draw a picture for you to give to her then?

She’s 8. She’s not doing it to embarrass you!

She’s having a hard time with transitions and isn’t able to communicate with you.

Think of it as she’s not giving you a hard time, she’s HAVING an hard time.

You shouting and giving punishments won’t work, she needs your understanding as to what might be going on in her brain.

SEND mum here btw… This is a classic ND reaction to matters outside of her control and NOT brattish behaviour.

You get it from her at home and not school because YOU are her safe space and she doesn’t have to act in the controlled or masked way she does at school.

She’s at the classic age with ND traits can become much easier to see in girls. Autistic traits, for instance, present differently in girls than boys. Have a read of the Autistic Girls Network publication “Keeping it all inside”. Even if she’s not autistic, she might have some traits you recognise (and, spoiler alert, you might see some of this in yourself or other close family, too).

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

I hope you can support her as best you can so she can flourish.

Sorry, cross posted with later examples.

Maybe for now, just stop putting her in a position where she has to share. Praise her brother for his good behaviour in front of her and try ignoring some of the "less bad" behaviour. Consequences that are appropriate for the very bad behaviour.

So as close to the event as possible and timed appropriately.

It really sounds like she wants to be autonomous and have a bit of independent control.

"Dd we have to leave in ten minutes. If you don't make a fuss, perhaps we could stop by the shop afterwards and you could choose some sweets or a magazine/choose a film for us to watch when we get home?"

Was there really an issue with her pushing the trolley? Was there a different battle you could have picked? Or if you were worried she'd bump into something, "DD, thanks for wanting to help, that's really grown up of you. I just think it's safer if I push the trolley. If I give you a list of things, would you run and get them for me or is there something else that you think you'd be able to do to help us get back home quickly so we can (insert fun activity here)."

Do you think she's just feeling a bit controlled and like you are always on at her, by any chance? ETA pretty much every example you've mentioned is a control issue...in her mind you are making her share/taking her sweets/forcing her to leave/not letting her push the trolley. She needs to feel like she has SOME control, ND or NT.

She can be both ND and spoilt

How consistently is she given a consequence?
If people say she is spoiled, perhaps she is?

Do you discuss expectations before going somwhwre? Like "I'll give you a count down of 10.minutes when we need to leave the park. This gives you time to prepare for leaving and end any games. When we leave I need you to walk to the car and wave goodbye to everyone".

Just reading this takes me back! My kid was exactly like this, school kept saying not ND, it was bad behaviour, tantrums, bad parenting etc etc.

So i believed it was me/us and pushed through issuing loads of consequences etc, nothing worked, things were awful, our relationship was in bits. Did ALL the parenting courses, read all the books etc.

Found out years later they were ND after all. I felt awful.

Another vote that you might want to consider she might be ND and look into the resources others have shared.

I think op knows her child well enough to know if she’s ND or not. Some kids are just brats and they do play up for their mums and are good at school and for other people. Op you have my sympathy I would be embarrassed too , it’s because you do care about her behaviour and that’s a good thing. Does she apologise after and realise she has done wrong?

Absolutely take the ipad away. Not as a punishment but because an 8yo doesn't need one and generally the more screen time DC have the worse they behave. As for the park, natural consequences are best. I would say no more play dates "as its too hard for you to stop playing and say goodbye nicely at the end". See if she has any suggestions on how it could be easier for her.

Why do your family members think she is spoilt op? What examples have they given?

It's quite common for people to accuse ND people, especially girls ( because they're expected to be much more accommodating than boys ) of being rude, stuck up... spoilt when really it's just their ND shining through.

I was always reprimanded because when I was told a rule or this is the way we do something and then saw adults breaking the rules or doing something the "wrong" way I'd point their mistake out or tell them off like I had previously been.

I would try to reframe how you are thinking about your child's behaviour. As the saying goes: she isn't giving you a hard time, she's having a hard time. I don't think that punishing her and then ramping up the punishments further is the best course of action. That just leads into a negative feedback loop that can be hard to extract yourselves from. Whether she is ND or not (and she may be, so it could be worth investigating) she does seem to be struggling with transitions and control (meaning both self-control and trying to control other people and things).

She does desperately want you to show her what is acceptable and what is not. So choose your lines in the sand. Does it matter if she pushes the trolley in Tesco? If she wants to, why not let her? But hitting is unacceptable. If she hits you out of frustration at the end of a play date, that may mean that she can't cope with play dates just now.

@TheOccupier actually screen time has a beneficial quality for children with ND so it could be a helpful tool for ops DDs emotional regulation.

My DD is currently waiting on referrals for ND and really struggles with transitions. 10mins isn't enough - I do 10, 5, 3, 1 minute and use the timer on my phone to show her. Then as others said time for one last thing and then go. Echo others too that she meltdowns with you because you are her safe space - she can be herself and show her raw state with you. At school she masks - it's like a can of fizzy drink - it's all bubbling under the surface and then explodes at home!

It's not about knowing her child well enough, it's about knowing/understanding the signs of neuro divergence well enough! Very few of us are experts, especially with no previous experience of it. I didn't recognise my dd's autism until she was 10, despite her having an autistic brother. It's very different in girls.

And yes, she was an angel at school too.

It's very normal for neurodiverse girls to be immaculately behaved in school.

She sounds ND to me ..or at least showing strong traits.

I hate the punishment crew who come our in these threads. Children do well when they can as the saying goes

The aim of any consequence should be to better support her to control or change her behaviour.

Can someone give an example of how I can deal with her behaviour if she hits her brother for example?

This is absolutely not normal behaviour for a normal child of that age. It wouldn't be normal even if she was much younger, once she was past the toddler stage. If she behaves well at school that shows she doesn’t have any real medical problems, so it’s something to do with her relationship with you. Are you a single parent? If so, perhaps you have got into the habit of wanting to be her friend, rather than her parent.

If people who know you and her well say she is spoilt, she probably is! She needs to learn that you mean what you say, and won’t give in to her whatever fuss she makes - that is what happens at school. Physical violence is an absolute no-no. Set your rules (no shouting at you, no hitting, she has to do what you say, etc.) and tell her the consequences if she breaks them (e.g. no sweets, or take away favourite toy for a couple of days, or no tv, or no computer, or no playing out with friends) then stick to them and never weaken or give in. If you are firm, consistent and unemotional about it, she will learn.

If your rule is that she mustn’t hit her brother, the same applies (but make sure the rule applies to him too).