How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

I am ND so I'm fully aware it's a hell of a lot more then a tantrum because a child didn't want to leave the park

I also completely disagree with people claiming this child is ND. Her own mother says she is not… I think she’d be the best judge? She just doesn’t like being told no, neither do any of my 3 children who are NT. They all kick off because they don’t want to leave the park, tidy their room, get off the iPad etc… but we do have to leave the park, tidy their room or get off the iPad after 2 hours. They kick and scream then accept they can’t have their own way 24:7.

It will certainly save a ton of money on SEN assessments if we just take parents' word for it!

Eh, what drugs are these then?

And their wouldn't be such a long waitlist for sen assessments if parents stopped being told their child is ND because of a tantrum. Then the children who genuinely need help would get it in a timely manner

She sounds exactly like my DD who's autistic. She masked all the time at school and quite a bit at home by copying her older sister.
However when she had a meltdown it was horrible punching walls, hitting me and dad, hysterical tears. She was diagnosed at 10 but I knew much earlier.
Is she spoiled or is it more that you arrange things so she doesn't have a meltdown? I still do this to a certain extent although my DD has learned her own coping strategies.
I now get accused of spoiling my youngest but he has a huge amount of additional needs and it's trying to arrange things so he doesn't have a meltdown.
If she is violent towards you or her brother you leave whenever you are or move her to another area (but don't leave her on her own because if she is ND it won't end well), tell her you don't hit and you are sad.
When she is calm ask if she wants to say sorry and have a cuddle but explain there are no screens today because she made a bad choice.
It worked for us to a certain extent but didn't cure the meltdowns but like I say my DD is autistic so if you are sure your DD isn't you might need a different approach.
What's her speech like? Is she hitting because she can't explain how she feels.
Also she feels safe with you and doesn't feel she has to pretend everything is okay whereas at school it's a totally different situation.

Their are currently 5 different medicines available on the nhs for adhd and also God knows how many others that parents are drugging their children with to get them to sleep.

Who hurt you man? Hope your weekend gets better.

Hitting and public humiliation? That isn't discipline. How depressing that some people still think that treating children this way is appropriate.

I'm just tired of children being labelled unnecessarily it effects their whole life and it limits valued resources from families who genuinely need them. The average time on the nhs for a sen assessment in my area is over 2 years, and that is mainly due to social media telling everyone their ND

Those meds don't work for everyone with ADHD, but for those it does, it gives them a calmer mind. Melatonin is not a drug, it's something naturally made by the body that can be lacking in ND people and it's solid to get for some reason. As are ADHD meds. If you had any experience in it, then you would know that.

But you're unaware that neurodiversity manifests in a range of different ways, not just the way yours does...

Have you ever thought the reason they don't work for everyone is because there is a significant amount of people wrongly diagnosed as for melatonin when a person takes it their body stops naturally producing in which means by the time your child is an adult they will likely suffer severe insomnia. I'd be fuming if my parents did that to me.

How do you know it's unnecessary? What's the harm in being screened? They do that first and only if that suggests ND do you get an assessment. It is not easy to get a diagnosis at all.

And on the other side of the coin, you see girls labelled with EUPD when they should have an autism diagnosis have their lives actually ruined.

The answer isn't to gatekeep scarce resources though. It's an odd way to think. Scarce resources are an absolute disgrace.

Your statement on the production of melatonin in people who supplement is not supported by any research evidence.

So you think a child having a tantrum automatically means their ND like most of mumsnet do or do you think you should listen to her actual mother and school who are saying she isnt

No one is saying it automatically means anything. And school have just said she is well behaved. Are you saying well behaved children can't be ND??

Maybe the child in the OP is ND, maybe she isn't, but we can't diagnose her on the Internet.

I think it's fair enough, however, for those of us with children with similar behaviours who are diagnosed to mention that as a possibility.

Most such behaviour comes from anxiety and/or lack of skills/and or sensory stuff, so authoritarian parenting isn't going to cure that.

I seriously doubt the waiting lists are caused by parents seeking unnecessary diagnosis. They're caused by the same factors all the other post-Covid waiting lists are.

I'm coming of because people are grassing me up to mumsnet because they don't like I have a different opinion to them and I don't want to get banned. Op your dd needs discipline and consequences for her actions.

Couldn't agree more. Your child is struggling. Have you had a calm conversation about how she feels in these situations and what frustrates her?

My son is 5 and suspected Adhd and with practice he is getting better at being able to articulate the emotion and then can say yes or no to suggestions of why that emotion came about. His big feelings have been more manageable since doing this.

If this was my son at the park with friends I give him a 10minute, 5 minute and then a 'last go' on something like a slide. We then all leave together. If he starts I explain he has two options, either come with me because we are all leaving, or stay crying but I'm walking to the car now and I would like him to come with me. I start walking with e eryone else. He then usually now asks for a hug as we have talked about different ways to support him when he has big feelings. He likes hugs, could be other things like squeezing a stressball, pushing hard against a wall, bluetac. Then once he is calm and we have had a hug we talk it through.
He does get a consequence, but it depends what has happened. Any violence receives a consequence. However if I can see him attempting to use the tactics we have discussed, attempting to communicate, etc, then I praise him for what he did right, talk about what behaviours aren't right and we move on.

I also apologise when I get angry, I'm modelling what he needs.

I suspect I have adhd but as a girl masked it through school. I would have a look at the symptoms. Could be she is simply struggling with emotions and needs coaching and guidance to communicate them.

Call it what you like but I've four children between 3 and 15 years old and none of them behave like that! Not a bad lesson to teach them that when you hit someone, they may hit you back.

At the end of the day, I can control my kids, they're well-adjusted, happy and they don't act like spoilt brats. The OP has said herself that she can't control one 7 year old who talks to her like dirt and punches her when she tries to assert a boundary.

Nope. Like fuck would I be having that. Ton of bricks the first time and there wouldn't have been a second.

Immediate punishment for violence. Take away all devices and no more play dates til she can behave. Your punishments aren't enough. I would have been terrified to punch my parents. My parents would have punched me back (which obviously I'm not advocating) but I think your punishment should be much firmer.

Another one saying there are some definite ND traits here, and I speak as a parent of a child with very similar behaviours, I was categorically told by school he was not ND, finally diagnosed when he was 21.

Even if you don't think she is ND, parenting as if she is wouldn't do any harm. Read up about ADHD and parenting techniques and tips.

With regards to how she is behaving in the park, that is sooo familiar. My way around this would have been to let everyone else leave first and then give a time warning - say 10 mins, but if we go now you can have a extra stars on your star chart (or whatever). Transitions can be hard but if you identify the triggers you can work round them. Once everyone else had left, it took away the anxiety that he would be missing out. Once he had left nicely and been rewarded for it a few times, it got easier to leave. But we never really cracked leaving first!

But at the same time, I made it clear that although I was trying to help DS, I wasn't going to accept poor behaviour, so if he persisted in making things difficult, then we wouldn't be going to the park.

If other people say she's spoilt then I'd listen. People don't usually say this lightly.

Start by saying 'no' more often or giving 2 choices and sticking to it. For example- Chicken or sausages for dinner? That's it (as long as you know that she's ate these before).

Before an outing like the park, I'd set firm expectations then role play it out at home. For example- poppy this is your 10 minute warning? Model her saying 'ok mummy'. You might need to give her a 5 and 2 minute warning. Encourage her to think about her friends responses.

With hitting her brother- again 2 choices - polly this is your warning, you either stop hitting and apologise or you can go to your room/ have no iPad/ not to swimming etc.