How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

What do you do when she is like this? What are the consequences?

What was the consequence for punching you?

Consequences: talking to by both parents, time out, reflection, I did take away reward chart points but I don’t do that anymore as someone said I shouldn’t take away points given for bad behaviour. No TV etc. for that day. Is this enough? What would you do?

I think she needs a firm talking to and some sort of punishment that is really not acceptable. Next time she is going anywhere explain what you expect behaviour wise and what will happen if she misbehaves.

Don't feel embarrassed friends will be sympathetic even if a bit surprised.

What does she value the most? Take that away for any physical violence. That might be tv, or radio, or a playdate, or a toy. But it must be high value.

Sounds like she struggles with transitions, which is a typical ND struggle.
Girls are also very well known to mask extremely well at school and then meltdown in a safe environment such as home.

thank you all the people that have voted YABU do you think this is normal behaviour? I really struggle with knowing what is normal and what is not. To me her behaviour is really bratty and at school she seems like a model pupil.

I would not be going to the park with friends for a while and explain why to her. Go by yourselves and remind her that if she can leave nicely after the timer has gone off/you have give her the 5 mins, 2 mins reminders then you will be very happy to bring her back very soon.

Find another route to discipline and stick to it. I remove privileges - for us it’s the iPad.

@INeedAnotherName shes recently got an iPad. Shall I take that away?

Just out of interest, how do you know she's not ND?

people with asd/adhd/add can struggle with transitions and emotional regulation yet mask at school. You say she has these meltdowns all the time - what brings them on?

You've already given her multiple punishments.

You have taken tv, i think if she just replaces tv with ipad she shouldn't be on that either. Also dont whip out all the board games or entertain her yourself either.

Are you sure she's not ND? This was exactly how my ASD boy was. He found transitions so hard. If she has meltdowns all the time it suggests something may be going on.

I find it a bit worrying you're coming at this from the angle of you trying to stop this behaviour because of how it affects you and your emotions.

Try looking at it in a different way, she is struggling with this, behaviour is communication and you should be trying to help her emotionally regulate in situations such as a transition from one activity to another or the ending of a desired activity rather than punishing her with a removal of items.

Punishment this way is like treating the symptom rather than the cause and rarely works, it can make things worse overall eventually.

Imo, giving her all these punishments will just make it worse. You need to talk to her and really listen as to why she is doing it. And you need to get her screened for ASD.

I don’t think she’s ND because in my mind she wouldn’t be able to control it or mask as well as she is. She only does it to me as she knows she can get away with it. She acts like a brat with me. She hits her brother if he takes or touches any of her things but at school she’s an angel who brings in extra snacks for her friends. The teachers say she’s very caring and compassionate. On a school trip earlier in year a kid forgot his money and she gave him some. Teacher told me and the mum gave me the cash next day. But for example yesterday in the cinema I asked for just one sweet from her packet and she refused. She didn’t share with her brother either whereas her brother shared happily everything with her.

I was a model pupil, "delight to have", "pleasure to teach" etc.

I'm ND. Not saying she is, but I wouldn't take having no issues at school as a sign that you can rule out ND.

I don't think it's normal behaviour for an 8 year old, no. She clearly has trouble with transitions.

Have you asked her why she got upset? Start there.

What other bratty behaviour? When? What exactly does she do?

Not now. But tell her the next time she hits you or anyone else then ALL technology will be taken away. TV, ipad, gaming, using your phone for games etc. If it continues then she won't be allowed to go to the park, and keep explaining why. She'll get it eventually.

I would concentrate on the no hitting, biting, spitting, physical things. Once she can control herself from not punching you can use the same process for shouting, screaming etc.

People that know her very well like family aunties, uncles and cousins say she’s really spoilt.

Are you sure she's not ND as she sounds a lot like my autistic 8 year old. The countdown is crucial for her ( we do 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes and time for one last thing). Also make sure she knows what's happening next, even if it's just going home
Also are the other children her friends or your friend's children? DD has a few good friends she'll happily play with, but otherwise finds it draining to play with others.

You say you give a 10 minute warning,that's great but I would follow it up with a 5 minute and then 2 minute one. When time is up say okay last slide and then we go. I suspect others will say you shouldn't have to do that at age 8 but if she is immature emotionally then you are best to accept the level she is at and manage her accordingly rather than setting her up to fail. Also make sure she knows what is happening next. For example , going home for dinner, going to shops or home for tv or whatever. If she still kicks off then ignore as much as you can at the time and then ask her later on why she got so cross. Also setting expectations in advance might help. So when you arrive at the park or play date or whatever, remind her of the routine for leaving and that you don't expect a fuss. You may choose to offer a reward/consequence at this point so she knows you mean business. Basically if she is going to behave like a toddler then you have to employ toddler tactics.

Hitting is of course unacceptable but do your punishments actually work? Do you think she will think it through and not do it next time? The title if your thread is interesting, it's not how can I help my daughter manage her anger. That's what you need to do I think as well as punishment. I think next time you go to the park I'd be giving her more warnings, if you didn't already- one ten minute warning might not be enough and its quite a long time. So 10, 5, 2, 1 and two more go's on something. Plus something to look forward to later like 'come on, let's grab a snack on the way home' 'time to go home and do x' so it's not just stopping what she likes. Also help her verbalise her feelings of frustration, agree with her it's frustrating to have to leave when you're having fun or similar, keep doing this and then she is more likely to use words than violence in the future. Punish as well, but I think it's unfair to punish without helping them stop this type of behaviour, if it's a pattern. Lastly it might be worth giving other examples of what she is like at home so people can see whether they recognise other behaviours in case she is ND

How do react to this behaviour at the time? Not afterwards when you get home but right when she hitting or having a meltdown?

Does she only do it on playdates or does she do behave like this at home or other times when it’s just the two of you too?
Does you react differently on playdates compared to how you would if she did it at home?

It sounds like you tried a lot of different consequences but how long have you persevered with any one of these? Or is it a different consequence everytime for the same behaviour ?

shopping today she wouldn’t let me push the shopping trolley and wanted to do herself. Everytime I tried to move it away from obstacles she’s kept shouting at me. This couple stopped and gave me dirty looks! Not sympathetic but just a really horrible look like I can’t control my child which I feel I can’t, I let her push the trolley as I didn’t want a meltdown in the middle of tescos.