How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

She needs to learn consequences. Explain to her that if she ever behaves like this again then you won’t take her out to play with her friends.
it sounds like you have a difficult time knowing where to set boundaries. Your GP may be able to signpost you to a family therapist who can help with this.

I think you need to try something very immediate.

Be prepared to go straight home if the behaviour starts.
Insist on going home without shopping, without fininishing the playdate etc.
On the way home tell her that she will have no screens for the rest of the day and will tidy her room and say sorry before being able to join in with the family.

She is old enough to behave at school so don't tolerate a speck of antisocial behaviour.

Have the discussion before going out. Remind her that if she is antisocial and misbehaves you will be taking her straight home.

If she frequently misbehaves on play dates also try declining the next invitation that you receive (in her company) and give the reason "because DD is not well mannered enough to go".

Do you agree ?

Does it come from nowhere?

What happens in the lead up?

She can't verbally communicate for some reason, so she hits. You need to try and figure out what's going on before she hits him.

The single most useful phrase I ever learned to use with my ND son is "do what you need to do to be ready to leave". I give him a 10 minute warning, then say this at 5mins and more often than not he will then be ready to go of his own accord.

That would depend on what had lead to her hitting her brother?

Looking at just the problems at the play area I would suggest the following.
Children have short memories, and need to be reminded of consequences straight before an activity so that they know if they behave in a particular way then the consequence is no iPad or no tv. Before you go anywhere next time say - - last time we went out you behaved really well until it was time to go home, and that made me really proud of you, but then you would not leave the play equipment, shouted and then I was so shocked that you hit me. How do you think I felt then. .......
Can you remember what happened after that? ......
Yes that's right you lost your iPad for a day.
I know you can behave really well so that's not going to happen this time, because you're a lovely girl and that's not how you should behave. We will be playing for about 45 minutes, I'm going to tell you about 10 minutes before we finish so you have a chance to finish up and say goodbye, if you come straight away you can go on your iPad straight when we get home and then you help me make some fairy cakes but if you don't come when I ask it will be taken away until xxxxx and we are not going to do any baking today' that's really clear for a child to understand.

I think you need to set up before you go anywhere your expectations, so today we're going to the cinema and I will buy sweets and we will share them. You need to make a fuss of her every time she shares, is helpful or kind, and say that is a lovely thing to do, oh look at you that's a really kind thing to do to share your sweets. It's exhausting but you must be consistent which is really hard with 2 children!
Good luck

Came here to say the same. I was a "model pupil", teachers loved me. But I was struggling so much to mask all day and then had meltdowns at home. ND is much harder to diagnose in girls.

I’d not rule out ND. Adhd makes girls a people pleaser/seemingly very compassion but also prone to huge meltdowns, there’s a lot of crossover with ASD traits. They will come out a lot more with family because it’s a safe space to let go of the mask. And girls really hold that mask up high.

She punched you. Whether she I'd ND is neither here nor there. Punching your mum is never OK under any circumstances. I would have given her an absolute tongue lashing on the spot, then left her to calm down before giving a severe consequence.

The title of your thread is very strange.
You need to reframe her struggles as struggles and not as a reflection on you. No child sets out to embarrass their parent.

She’s obviously having a really hard time with transitions and with her emotions and you need to drill down into this. Have you talked to her? Listen to what those posters are saying about ND too. Obviously hitting is unacceptable and you can make that clear to her but taking away her items is not the answer here.

I’d also ignore what your extended family say. It’s so easy to label a child as ‘spoilt’ especially when they are having a hard time with their emotions when they behave in any way outside of perfect.

There isn’t an excuse for it and it needs to be recognised as not ok. But ‘severe punishment’ really doesn’t work with ND kids. Talking from great (and awful) experiences.

Your opening post ticked a huge number of boxes to question and to me, including the behaving well at school and them not seeing it.

Then I don’t think she’s ND because in my mind she wouldn’t be able to control it or mask as well as she is. She only does it to me as she knows she can get away with it also sounds like a ND girl and a parent who doesn’t understand autism or masking.

I’d make a list of everything and speak to your school senco and rule out ND first of all because how you deal with transitions with a ND child and a NT child are very different.

You've asked for advice OP but you're not taking the answers on board. Classic signs of neurodiversity. Punishment and accusations of being spoilt and embarrassing you will destroy her self esteem. Your behaviour and that of your family need addressing before you can help your child. Nip it in the bud and support her.

This.

I can’t believe people are making excuses for an 8 year old punching an adult- under any circumstances. Plenty of ND children do not ever behave like this

This is not a 2 year old.

Your username sums me up!

Same...except I'd have shutdowns which made it even harder to detect. I was approaching middle age before I finally got a diagnosis.

Have to laugh at the "her mother would know best". My mother was a Psychiatrist and had no clue!

I feel like rather than "How to stop DD embarrassing me?" it should be "How can I try to help her or understand what's causing her to behave like this?" When I saw the title I genuinely thought it was going to be about her planning something that she knew would embarrass you.

I hope you can figure this out, she might just need a safe place to talk to someone about why she acts this way.

@solsticelove said what i want to say.

Another one here suggesting that you might be wrong about ND, the things that work with other kids don’t work with ND kids. Your rationale for why she is not ND is understandable but totally flawed, what you’re describing sounds textbook (and fwiw many ND boys also mask well at school). Punish her all you like, but it’s not working is it. if it’s ND it’s not going to help, ultimately it will just damage your relationship with her which will make her more likely to lash out at you, it sounds like you’re already been quite harsh with her both with the punishments, but even more with the way you were talking about her. I understand you are probably at your wits end, but I think the best advice is to do some serious reading on ND, try some of the strategies and see if they help.

I agree with this.
Sounds like my ND daughter.
8 was also when she really started to struggle and her behaviour worsened.

My 6 year old has moments of hitting out at me/others. No, it’s not ok but he is cognitively 2 years old, but that’s not what people who don’t know the situation see. Lucky in real life people are more understanding of neurodivergence.

But this an NT 8 year old the OP was posting about

Tongue lashing. What a mental image 🤮

There is enough to suggest that this child is not NT. That’s not encouraging a diagnosis from the internet but enough of us are recognising the flags that hopefully the op will be asking for further support.

This is an 8 year old who is showing typical signs of female autistic behaviour and who appears to have never been assessed as either ND or NT.