How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

I suspect she may well be ND and it's not been as noticeable before because other young children act up so her behaviour didn't stand out. Now her friends are growing up a bit it does.

Have a look at How to Recognise Autism in Girls - Attwood and Garnett Events
to see if anything else sounds familiar.

She does sound incredibly spoilt. She punched you for heaven's sake. You let her do exactly as she wants. You really need to get this under control now. She doesn't get to decide who pushes the trolley, you do! A meltdown? So what, she's at the age where she should be embarrassed but it gets her what she wants. Stand up to her. A good talking to will not cut it.

Absolutely have your daughter assessed to see if she's ND. That won't mean, by the way, that you'll be expected to put up with being punched: you can still deal with the behaviour, but an assessment will let you know what strategies are likely to work and help find coping strategies for your DD that fit her needs. She may well not be ND, but if she's having actual meltdowns I'd want to make damn sure before I started punishing her for them, to make sure you're punishing something she has a choice about. ND people can mask exceptionally well, as many others on this thread have noted, so her being able to mask at school isn't itself proof of anything.

My children are very lucky to have me, I’m told this time and time again by professionals and family and friends.

ive fought tooth and nail for my children over the years to ensure they have every support they need in all areas of life.

i have no issues with my parenting, if anyone were to report me (very unlikely) social services would laugh in their face

Children are not item of clothing, you can’t label them. Either the OP’s child has a disability or she does not. She is reading as a child with a disability for us of us who have experience in that area. If that is the case, she and her mum need adequate support. Even if she’s not ND, feeling like she has to hit out at her mum when frustrated sounds like her parents need to look further into it than just removing items. Otherwise emotional disregulation by the teen years will be tenfold. But then again ND in girls really can come to the forefront by the teen years anyway, and so much worse if undiagnosed.

It's not going to reinforce the message that hitting is wrong very effectively, is it?

Do you tell those professionals that you’d hit your child hard if they hit you? Would you be happy to say that to sen coordinators or teachers? I suspect you wouldn’t because you know how awful it is and would absolutely flag you as a safeguarding risk.

It seems that almost every single post on mumsnet has a reply of ‘are they ND?’ People are obsessed with trying to diagnose other people’s kids. It’s like people can’t accept kids can just behave badly without being ND

If asked, yes I would tell them.

do your children hit you?

I have a feeling you will say no, even if they do.

I’ve already said my children have hit out at me, I have no shame in admitting it. One of my children is globally delayed with high needs. But children in general can all have moments of disregulation.

Please tell these professionals what you said here. Because you’re right, you probably wouldn’t be initially investigated. But one bad bump at home mixed in with you gleefully saying you’d hit your sen child, well someone may start taking your psychopathic stance seriously.

Well behaved at school, does not mean not-ND … not does “being able to have conversation” or “making eye contact”

My daugher was not diagnosed until 17, we went through 4 awful years before that if EBSA, Anxiety, Depression, self-harm etc. Nobody mentioned this might all come down to ASD, as she was “ok at school”

She had meltdowns, violent ones, and hit me .. not because she is a bad person, but because she couldn’t cope.

I changed how I parented, and at 18 we have a great relationship.

You will her parents of NT children telling you things like “switch the WiFi off, take away her gadgets” (like that solves ASD meltdowns). Honestly, save yourself a few years of misery, and look into parenting ND children, I wish someone would have given me some advice when I had a raging child, and everyone else seemed to be coping fine.

…and my child also hit me .. I say this with it without shame .. and I never hit her back - a ridiculous way of escalating a situation

I’m assuming you haven’t been very honest with them then.

I’m not the one who puts up with being hit from my child.

you do. You also haven’t been able to stop it either, as they did it again didn’t they?

how many times has your child or children hit you?

if they have hit you more than once, then that’s your fault.

How long has this been going on? (Sorry if I missed that) if it’s forever yes I think worth checking for neurodiversity but if recent also worth thinking about whether she’s being bullied/ hit by anyone.
It can’t be being spoilt because surely brother would be the same?

I have a dd with ASD but whether your dd is ND or not op, one suggestion for tackling this is preparation.

Break it down in to smaller steps. And it’s imperative that you remain very calm yourself.

It’s helpful to not to focus too much on what’s going wrong; but focus on what to do instead.

So talk to her at home when it’s calm. She’s not too old to role play it. Have fun pretending she’s playing at the park, play hide and seek or something, then tell her to stop and call her over to you. Role play over-excitedness. And role play calming down. Praise her when she comes when called. Then swap roles!

Then firmly but gently check she understands, and tell her clearly that she only gets park time with her friends if she agrees to stop and come to you straightaway. And that she must try and remain calm and she must never ever hit you ever again - and explain why - and that she will have all screens time taken away immediately if she does it again. (Follow through on this. Never threaten a punishment you don’t carry out.)

Then go back to playing and having fun and end on a positive note.

And talk to her a lot in other situations about managing her feelings. Read children’s books about this and work on it in other situations. Use a traffic light system if you need to. Teach box breathing to lessen frustration.

Then when you are invited on the next play date, remind her again. Clearly and calmly remind her of your agreement to come when called. And tell her she won’t go unless you get her agreement.

Then remind her again in situ just before the play date starts.

Then on the play date itself, a short while,before she is due to stop playing, tell her that you will soon be calling her to stop and come straight over to you, and say something like “I know I can trust you to do what we practised” .

If she misbehaves take her straight home and say, “we are not going on play dates until I can trust you to come when called”. Grey rock any protests and follow through.

Later on, when she asks to go on a play date, appear reluctant and say “I’m not sure because you don’t come when I call, and the time before that, I got hit by you” . She will promise to come straightaway and keep trying it until she gets it.

At the supermarket. In the playground. In the park.

All of this sounds like a faff but giving her a “system” to work with to lessen her frustration plus concrete steps to follow in practice usually works. And lots of praise of course for when she gets it right.

The lack of awareness of how neurodiversity can manifest and how it should be handled on this thread is absolutely shocking. I thought we'd learned to do better than that.

Of course it is. So when my son has a meltdown at school and has hit out at an adult, you think they should have hit him back as well? Or should I have waited until he got home and give him the smack around then?

Like I said, I feel so sorry for your children. You evidently have little insight into the broad spectrum of SEN. You read exactly like a close relative of mine did to be honest with you, scarily enough she also worked very closely in SEN and had the same views you did. Didn’t end well for her professionally or in her personal life.

None of this is any evidence that she's not ND. Also the trolley pushing is a desire to be in control which is a huge part of some traits of ASD.

Op, please don't physically abuse your child as advised here.

sounds like she kicks off/ hits out when she doesn’t get what she wants

leaving the playground
pushing the shopping trolley

She needs to learn life isn’t centred on her always getting what she wants.

So next time she asks for something don’t give it automatically, do a deal. Can she go to the playground…yes if she tidies her room and promises when it’s time to go she must leave without a fuss. Remind her when you get there. That way she will feel like she’s earned it and give it more worth. Equally if she then kicks off at the playground the consequences should be to not go next time.

She also sounds like she takes advantage of you. Hitting you and demanding the trolley indicates a lack of respect. I wonder if you give in too much and don’t follow through with punishments.
You need to build on your parent / child relationship. ie remind her you are in charge but also that you are there for her.

Children know they can slap teachers and get alway with it.

they know a teacher is not going to hit them back.

thats why they do it, children know who they can hit and who they can’t.

same with the OP, she said her daughter only does it to her, no one else.

why is that I wonder? And don’t say some crap about because mum makes her feel safe🙄

it’s because she knows it’s ok to smack mum.

Unfortunately it’s the same every time … us ND parents are made to feel like inadequate failures because our children have meltdowns and hit out.

These threads are teeming with people who think all issues can be solved by switching the WiFi off

NT parents hectoring ND parents, with ableist bullshit .. it’s tedious

Try the books 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and The Explosive Child. Excellent tips in both.

It is not unusual for a dysregulated child to hit, especially a less mature ND one.

There is a taboo around discussing it, but it really isn't that unusual in 7-10 year old ND girls. I participated in a research study on it (University of Durham, if anyone's interested).

Why do you think they tell you that? What do you or another adult do to spoil her?