How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

@HEllo114 I understand it must be difficult to take on board, but everyone is saying that she might be neurodivergent, because those of us with ND children recognise those behaviours and it might help explain why she is behaving the way that is - that's why we're banging on about it!

You clearly want to tackle this issue so it might help to read up about what possible solutions. Obviously, no-one can diagnose anything over the internet, but This could be a good place to start - Young Minds and it would give you some strategies that are effective as the struggle with transitions is real.

My child has been assessed and diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and his meltdowns are absolutely triggered by the move from one activity to another. It's taken lots of hard work to manage the process but it's far more rare that he tries to bite me or hit me these days. I remember how embarrassing it was to cope with his behaviour in public and the judgy stares and the spoilt brat comments from relatives, too. But if there is something else going on, then working out what it is and finding specific strategies that work for her will be such a relief. Good luck.

On the way home tell her that she will have no screens for the rest of the day and will tidy her room and say sorry before being able to join in with the family.

What has tidying her bedroom got to do with anything?

Natural consequences work better.

I only recently received a diagnosis of ADHD, and I'm in my late 40s. I studied ADHD briefly in uni in the 90s and didn't connect it with myself! What you're describing does sound like she's masking. I masked my entire life without realising what I was doing so don't be too quick to dismiss it.

That won’t help though. It’s completely unrelated and will jsut make her feel sad an ashamed. It won’t change the behaviour. It’s already done by then. It’s clearly an impulsive thing. She’s not stood there thinking hmmm I’m going to purposefully hit my mum when I’m cross. It sounds like she gets overwhelmed and struggled with transitions!

Which means you have spoiled her? Do you mean by giving her what she wants because it's better/easier than her having a tantrum or hitting you?

You said she has lots of meltdowns - when? What triggers these?

If an 8 year old hit me I'd be doing more than a "talking to" and telling her no TV for the day. Your description of the shopping incident makes me think she could just be a bit spoiled and needs firm boundaries and following through on consequences.

I'd have marched her straight home, the iPad would be removed for at least a week and she'd need to earn it back with behaving well. Until she could consistently behave kindly to her family members too there would be no more playdates or playing out with friends other than at school too.

You reallY need to work the triggers out. Most kids would be embarrassed and she’s obviously not.

lol WTF? Did you just say that you hit your sen kids?

No!

I said, if they hit me I would, which they never have

Of course she knows her child. But she might not know or understand how ND can present. There are still a lot of misconceptions around ND, especially in girls. Many still don't believe masking to be a thing. It most definitely is, and some girls in particular are excellent at it (my sister was one of them). Many 'model pupils' in school are actually ND girls, often undiagnosed until much later in life as so many still don't believe it's possible for a child to behave so perfectly in school if they're ND.

I wouldn't assume every parent to know that about ND, despite obviously knowing their child very well. It's so easy to miss it or dismiss the signs.

As soon as I read OP's opening post I though it sounds like her DD could actually be ND after all. Even more after reading OP's updates.

I'm another in the 'don't rule it out camp', OP.

I don’t think she’s ND because in my mind she wouldn’t be able to control it or mask as well as she is. She only does it to me as she knows she can get away with it.

1. ND children, especially girls, can mask exceptionally well. The ability to behave perfectly at school and then lose it at home is in fact typical of neurodiversity.

2. She does it to you because you are her mum, her most trusted person in the world and the one who will never reject her. This is also a very typical neurodiverse trait.

Your post screams ND to me, and I am the parent of two ND young people. Don't be dismissive of the possibility; instead, read up on parenting strategies that work on ND children and try them. You may well be pleasantly surprised.

I find bribery good think of something nice to do later don’t tell her times up when she sees the others going she might come too. Punching you is not acceptable but don’t be embarrassed. Maybe keep after school treat till after playtime finished if well behaved.

I think you need to reconsider if she might be ND. Masking is complicated but it definitely could mean that she can seem to be able to control it all at school etc. It is very common for girls to start to really struggle around the end of primary which can then be catastrophic at secondary.

Ok I’m not going to get into this here as it’s not your post, but that’s awful. It’s not like a child doesn’t understand pain. A child (especially a sen child!) can struggle with impulse control. You don’t hurt them for that!

Jesus Christ.

I take it you have a child that slaps the shit out of you and you pander to them because they can’t help it?

🙄

You need to stop talking. Very easy to spout shit online, if I had an inclination of who you really were I’d report you. You never hit a child, even NT children struggle with emotional regulation at times. It’s our job as parents to model correct behaviour, not condone hitting.

Nope. Have you heard of child abuse?

kids that get hit… hit.

It’s not illegal to hit a child btw so no one would be interested.

its illegal to leave a mark, not actually hit them (depending on where you live)

and if you read my posts correctly, you will notice I’ve said I don’t hit them, but I would if they hit me.

now who do you think is going to be interested in that information?

no one!

It’s scary isn’t it. Poor kids.

And parents that put up with children hitting them get hit…

time and time again!

I feel incredibly sorry and quite frankly worried about your children. You’re a danger to them and need to reevaluate your behaviour and ideas about parenting immediately.

Why does everyone need to label children? This is someone over the internet she’s given a couple of examples and it’s ow she’s ND. Christ I remember being an arse to my mum when I was a child and the tantrums!! I’m nt and grew out of it when I knew it wasn’t worth the punishment and having your mouth washed out with soap isn’t very nice ! If the op was concerned about nd she would get it checked but it’s clear from her answers she’s not thinking this and wants help dealing with her child’s bad behaviour. Hitting is unacceptable fullstop. Perhaps she is jealous of her brother and wants attention , my elder daughter sometimes lashes out at her brother and not sharing and fighting amongst siblings is absolutely normal albeit it bloody annoying!

If she can control herself in other situations but not when it is you then she clearly does not feel the penalty is bad enough to make her behave better. Obviously kids show the worst of themselves to family as they instinctively know they will always be forgiven. Your friend may have looked shocked because she thought your daughter was being horrid and you weren’t dealing with it in the way she would.

Personally I found punishment had to be implemented ASAP after the event, to make a clear thread between two events. Removal of ipad is a good one, in this case I would have very swiftly and firmly got her into car, no chat on way home, got in and explained clearly and calmly why behaviour was unacceptable and what consequence was then taken ipad for X number of days. I wouldn’t have caved and let her have it any earlier than stated, no point doing that. Do that and the kid knows they can work you like a puppet. (the no chat on way home would've been principally for me to calm down, but would’ve helped her get out of strop and start worrying about what was coming!😐) I would therefore make the penalty realistic - taking ipad away for ever - not going to happen! Make sure whatever you choose it’s something important to DD. Don’t add extra penalties on later, does not have desired impact in connecting behaviour with punishment.

Those offering up ND as an excuse - I wouldn’t agree as you say DD can control emotions in other settings, functions well in school etc. Anyway, being ND is not a get-out for poor behaviour unless the ND is at the very most extreme end of the scale and the person has no social skills whatsoever. You’ve said some people close to you have suggested she’s spoiled. They aren’t saying that for nothing, people almost never criticise children or parenting styles to those involved.