Sister is in contact with convicted paedophile - what to do??

[jasmine465]

I'm absolutely reeling after a discussion with my sister last night.

Background is, my sister in her late 20's, lives independently but could be considered vulnerable, she has a plethora of mental health problems and a history of being manipulated by people, as well as being the manipulator herself in certain situations. We have been on and off not in contact over the last decade, always instigated by me due to poor behaviour on her part, but have been in regular contact, meeting up etc since the birth of my daughter 18 months ago. She absolutely dotes on my daughter, and while I would never leave her in sole charge of her, I have been happily leaving them playing downstairs for example while I get on with housework.

My sister has a male friend (we shall call him Dave) who she met in primary school and they have been friends for years. He's always been a support to her during her mental health struggles and he is probably her closest, oldest friend.

We met up for a family event last night, and she had a phone all and disappeared for about 45 minutes talking on the phone. When she got back I asked who it was and she told me it was Dave. I asked after him and she told me something about him having moved away for work. I said I was sorry to hear that as I knew they'd been close, and the conversation moved on.

Much later in the evening, we were chatting about plans and I asked if she had plans to go and meet Dave in his new city and when she last saw him etc. She then disclosed that he hadn't moved away at all and he was actually in prison. She said he had been 'accused of being a paedo, but it was all lies'.

I googled his name, and an article came up from when he was sentenced, which was over a year ago - he was convicted of sexual assault of a child, forcing a child to commit sexual acts and making indecent photos of children. It was two little girls he abused and he is currently serving a 5 year prison sentence and will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Obviously, these crimes are abhorrent and are a HUGE deal. Talking to my sister, she claims she knows the mother of the children and she has made it all up, he didn't do it and was advised to plead guilty. She seems to genuinely believe he has been fitted up and is innocent. She said she has been in regular contact with him, receiving phone calls from prison and has visited him on several occasions with his parents.

My first instinct was to cut her off completely and never allow her near my family again as she is knowingly in touch with a convicted paedophile, who I'm sure she will meet up with in person when he's released, given she's visited him in prison. Now having slept on it, I'm not sure if, given her vulnerabilities, I should attempt to reason with her and get her to see that he must be guilty? The news article lays out what evidence the police found in order to convict him - there is no way someone has been able to fabricate this. Having said that, I also know if I did this and gave her an ultimatum about her being in contact with him, there is a reasonable chance she would just carry on in secret and lie to me about it. She has form for doing this.

I'd really appreciate some insights into this and any advice on what to do going forward. I'm absolutely disgusted about the whole situation.

Cut her off. The safety of your child comes before ANYTHING else

Cut her off, protect your daughter

until your sister ends this - she would not even see my daughter. not once

so give her an ultimatum

Considering her vulnerabilities can you sit her down and explain that unless there was very concrete evidence there wouldn't have been a conviction? That 99% of sex crimes go unpunished due to lack of evidence so for him to get a prison sentence there's absolutely no way he didn't do it.

Explain there was photo evidence that he's done it if he's been contacted of creating abuse images?

And explain to her that if she continues to be in contact with him you can no longer see her as its not safe for your family?

You sister is an adult and is free to communicate with whomever she wishes. As long as there are ground rules such as no pictures taken of your child and this man not to be invited to your house, I am not sure what else is there to do. I appreciate you may be objecting on moral grounds but, personally, this would not be a reason for me to cut off my family member.

would you spend christmas etc with your sister if it meant him being present?

Go with your first instinct. He's grooming your sister. Your child will never be safe around her.

He's in prison right now so you have some time to try and help your sister/make her see sense.

If this does not work and she insists on this disgusting thing remaining part of her life then I would not allow her to remain part of your life. You must protect your children.

And you really think someone who is this easily manipulated by an abuser can be trusted to follow ground rules? Dangerously naive.

Do your best to explain to her how unlikely it is that this guy is innocent OP, but if she won't listen (and she probably won't) be prepared to go low or no contact, or at the very least ensure that she's never left alone with your daughter.

Given her vulnerability I would try to reason with her and point out that there must be evidence and he must be guilty. If she chose to cut me off for saying that so be it. Obviously you or your children would never be in his presence and I wouldn’t let your sister be unsupervised with your child.

He’s grooming her. Which is both sad and between them.

I wouldn’t cut her off though. I’d just make sure she’s never alone with them/takes them anywhere alone. I’d also make it clear that I think she’s a gullible fool.

You currently have space to try and cut his influence over her. You can give her a chance to see the truth of it by logic, reasoning and evidence as laid out by the court. You can then tell her that if she chooses him over your daughter that is her choice, but she will never be allowed in your family presence again whilst she remains with a threat such as he.

If she continues you have to cut her off. Your daughter can’t grow up thinking this adult is safe.

Does your sister have a care or case worker due to her vulnerabilities?

Agreed, this is an adult safeguarding issue where your sister is concerned

She loves your daughter. This may be a way in to the discussion.

She does, but I have no idea who they are or how I would get in contact with them!

First off- the good thing is you know this. So you can ensure that she never babysits your DD or is in charge of your DD when he is present.

Your sis isn’t a threat on her own, but she sounds like she could be groomed to allow him access. I’d also be careful about leaving them alone- just in case he persuades her to take photos.

I wouldn’t cut off my sister. She’s vulnerable, but never leave her alone with your daughter.

As awful as this man is ,if your sister is never left alone with your daughter
How would your daughter be at risk from him?
Given her vulnerabilities i don't think I could cut her off completely.

Sorry no, your first duty is to protect your child. Report this to her caseworker but then cut contact.

OPs daughter could be at risk through photos or enabling access once he's released.

I would start by contacting your local adult social services department, give then your sisters detail and express a serious safeguarding concern not only for herself but for your child, her niece.

If she's never left alone though or allowed to take photos ?
The Op has an advantage of actually
Knowing her sister is in contact with him so can be extra vigilant.

the daughter is at risk if she knows and trusts the sister. Sister could be persuaded to intercept at nursery or school pickup for example. It’s probably far fetched but i wouldn’t allow any risk.

That's not what is being proposed or suggested though is it?

What OP is asking is should she cut off her vulnerable sister because she's talking to a sex offender who is in prison.

OP said even before finding this out. she wouldn't leave her DC unsupervised with her sister so there's no indication her DC are at risk from sister talking to a sex offender in prison.

OP has a sister with vulnerabilities and a history of being manipulated; and offenders in general, not just CSA offenders are often extremely adept at manipulating and grooming others. They can and do, groom and manipulate even professionals that are given training in grooming by offenders!

OP, if you really believe as you seem to, that your Dsis is vulnerable and genuinely believes this mans stories, I'd talk to her about it, about how extremely unlikely it is that he was framed and that he did really cause serious harm to these children.

And that even if she refuses to believe that, when he comes out of prison he will be monitored and your Dsis will be included in that to ensure that he has no unmonitored, unapproved by probation contact with children and that you or your parents would make sure her involvement with him would be reported even if she didn't.

And that there are likely other consequences, not just probation or CYPSS involvement but also with employment - depending if Dsis is able to work and what jobs she'd be doing.

Plus the social consequences for a woman being 'friends' with a convicted sex offender.

Once she knows all that, she's informed and can make her decisions and you can assess any relationship you have in the future based on that.