Sister is in contact with convicted paedophile - what to do??

[jasmine465]

I'm absolutely reeling after a discussion with my sister last night.

Background is, my sister in her late 20's, lives independently but could be considered vulnerable, she has a plethora of mental health problems and a history of being manipulated by people, as well as being the manipulator herself in certain situations. We have been on and off not in contact over the last decade, always instigated by me due to poor behaviour on her part, but have been in regular contact, meeting up etc since the birth of my daughter 18 months ago. She absolutely dotes on my daughter, and while I would never leave her in sole charge of her, I have been happily leaving them playing downstairs for example while I get on with housework.

My sister has a male friend (we shall call him Dave) who she met in primary school and they have been friends for years. He's always been a support to her during her mental health struggles and he is probably her closest, oldest friend.

We met up for a family event last night, and she had a phone all and disappeared for about 45 minutes talking on the phone. When she got back I asked who it was and she told me it was Dave. I asked after him and she told me something about him having moved away for work. I said I was sorry to hear that as I knew they'd been close, and the conversation moved on.

Much later in the evening, we were chatting about plans and I asked if she had plans to go and meet Dave in his new city and when she last saw him etc. She then disclosed that he hadn't moved away at all and he was actually in prison. She said he had been 'accused of being a paedo, but it was all lies'.

I googled his name, and an article came up from when he was sentenced, which was over a year ago - he was convicted of sexual assault of a child, forcing a child to commit sexual acts and making indecent photos of children. It was two little girls he abused and he is currently serving a 5 year prison sentence and will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Obviously, these crimes are abhorrent and are a HUGE deal. Talking to my sister, she claims she knows the mother of the children and she has made it all up, he didn't do it and was advised to plead guilty. She seems to genuinely believe he has been fitted up and is innocent. She said she has been in regular contact with him, receiving phone calls from prison and has visited him on several occasions with his parents.

My first instinct was to cut her off completely and never allow her near my family again as she is knowingly in touch with a convicted paedophile, who I'm sure she will meet up with in person when he's released, given she's visited him in prison. Now having slept on it, I'm not sure if, given her vulnerabilities, I should attempt to reason with her and get her to see that he must be guilty? The news article lays out what evidence the police found in order to convict him - there is no way someone has been able to fabricate this. Having said that, I also know if I did this and gave her an ultimatum about her being in contact with him, there is a reasonable chance she would just carry on in secret and lie to me about it. She has form for doing this.

I'd really appreciate some insights into this and any advice on what to do going forward. I'm absolutely disgusted about the whole situation.

Still a hard no from me. OP said she's got form for being manipulative etc. I would never, ever take the risk. I can't believe people are saying it's ok! First priority has to be the safety of the child.

This exactly

Im not sure what cutting her off is meant to do, teach her who she should be friends with?

OP wouldnt I presume want to meet up with this person, have him around her and certainly not in the presence of her daughter. OP would be wise not to allow the sister to be unsupervised with the daughter also as he might ask the sister for photos or videos etc

But if that is in place why cut her out of OPs life?

Given she is vulnerable herself Im sure she is likely to make lots of unsafe associations and friends, I would have thought its better to have oversight and monitoring of that rather than not realise whats going on

But the Op already says she she doesn't allow her sister ti be in sole charge of her daughter
And Nursery,s and school are very on the ball on who they release a child to at pick up
On the odd occasion I had to ask my Dad to Pick up my kids he has to give a pass word .

Not to mention OP has to be so vigilant already wrt her sister - this would be an unbearable level of vigilance demanded of her.

ultimatum time op

Definitely put your child first and never allow contact with your DD.

I would cut her off. I’m not even sure why you’re having to debate it with yourself. You need to protect your child. He’s grooming her and I’m sure she’s told him all about your daughter…

Who is saying its OK?

This man is a child rapist and you think it is OK to allow a sister who is bring groomed by him, contact with a child?

You’ve had periods of no contact with her before, and I don’t think it would be unreasonable to have another one over this, provided you have a conversation with her about why you don’t feel you can see her.

If you stay in touch, I think you would have to make it very clear that she is not to be alone with your daughter, ever, and is not to take any photos of her, ever. I’d also be making her delete any existing photos of your daughter from her phone. She is easily manipulated, and paedophiles are often very good at manipulating and grooming people.

Yes, he's playing the long game paedophiles do.

I wouldn't be cutting off my vulnerable sister personally
However I would never leave my child alone with her and wouldn't allow her to take any photos or videos .

Contact your local probation officer and/or MOSOVO police team explain your sister's vulnerabilities and that she's known him since she was a child and that she believes her is innocent. They will consider together it via MAPPA whether your sister needs a police disclosure, she's more likely to take it seriously than coming from you. They won't disclose who contacted them.

Exactly, he is most likeky targeting OPs sister for this exact reason ie vulnerable with access to a child. It blows my mind people are arguing against cutting contact

Your sister is vulnerable you need to sit her down and talk through it factually and see if you can change her mind, you don't know what he's saying to her and could actually be making her mental health issues worst.

I wouldn't cut off a vulnerable sister because she's associating with a prisoner. He's in prison. If you tell her straight that you would NEVER take the risk of leaving her alone with the children while she believes it's ''all lies'' then his grooming of her (if that's what's going on) can't harm your children.

They've been friends since childhood, so is it grooming? definitely not defending him, but don't rush to lose a sister either.

OP this is a horrible thing to think but is it possible your sister has been encouraged to 'dote on' your dd by 'dave'? Has he already been asking her to send pictures? I am not sure how you would go about finding out but if ahe has, then perhaps explain to her what he might want them for.

Sorry to have had to say this - but perhaps its something you can get expert advice on (I don't know who you would approach but if she does have a caseworker then perhaps them?)

I’d contact the social services team for the borough she lives in and ask to be directed to the right department/case worker.

I’d go see her solo only.
She would have absolutely NO contact with my child. direct or indirect. Not even supervised.
they wouldn’t be at the same family functions. Nothing.

look at what some of those miserable excuses for mothers did to their own children in the lost prophets / Ian Watkins case. You have no clue what he might convince her to do.

the bottom line is:
You just can’t trust her.

How is she vulnerable? I think this would determine my thoughts on this. If she has a diagnosed learning difficulty for example then I’m not sure she’d have capacity to recognise being manipulated. If by vulnerable she had a history of making poor decisions, addiction problems etc then I’d cut her out in a heart beat.

Absolutely this. Pedos pick out people who are vulnerable to get access to children.

The op doesn't have to leave her children with her sister though? there is a middle ground between taking the risk of doing that, and never seeing a sister again.

My brother is certainly not a paedophile but he had NO interest in babysitting my children so I never asked, and he never volunteered. We are still siblings despite the fact that he never took them anywhere or did anything with them until they were older anyway.

If you cut off your sister because of who she associates with, while he's still in prison, then she'll be pushed in to the arms of bad people rather than good.

Based on my limited knowledge of this area I’d say @candycane222 is sadly…fairly on the money…

He's not "a prisoner" like some bloke who got jailed for petty theft, he's a multiple child abuser.

Never underestimate the lengths to which paedophiles will go to get access to children, or how long they're prepared to wait.

In this situation though OP, if your sister is still friends with him when he gets out of prison I would tell the children that ''dave'' is a bad person who hurt children and sister refuses to see it.

Can you absolutely, without a shadow of doubt, believe her if she tells you that you’ve convinced her of his guilt and that she won’t speak to him again? You know the answer to that question. She won’t believe in his guilt because she doesn’t want to believe in his guilt. So she’ll either fall out with you or tell you whatever she thinks you need to hear.

So you either cut her off because you want to keep your child safe and because you don’t want to have people who are friends with convicted paedophiles in your life or your child’s life, (because when someone tells you that their best friend is a monster, then asks to spend time with your child, nobody’s first thought is going to be positive) or you keep seeing her, which means you will never have another moment’s peace when she is near your child.

You sister is an adult and is free to communicate with whomever she wishes. As long as there are ground rules such as no pictures taken of your child and this man not to be invited to your house, I am not sure what else is there to do. I appreciate you may be objecting on moral grounds but, personally, this would not be a reason for me to cut off my family member This horrifies me and is completely unworkable. If a person can be friends with a convicted sex offender then they are either a) able to overlook their crimes, which speaks volumes about what sort of person they are, or b) daft enough to believe that their friend is innocent, which speaks volumes about their judgement and their susceptibility to manipulation. I am not in any way suggesting that your sister would ever intentionally harm your child, but how many times do we hear in the news about vulnerable people who have been manipulated into doing awful things by others? And how on earth do you stop her taking photos if she wants to? Do you frisk her for phones when she comes in? Or take your child to the loo with you? Or spend the time she’s there not taking your eyes off her for a second in case she snaps a photo while she pretends to be scrolling? And not for any nefarious purposes. I’m sure, in her mind, it would be because she’s proud of her DN and wants to show photos of how cute she is. But where does that leave you?

I would not knowingly be friends with a sex offender. I would not knowingly have anyone in my life who associates with a sex offender, whether it be a friend or family member.