To cancel going to a wedding because I'm pregnant?

[indiiii]

I have a wedding to attend next weekend. For context, I live down south and the wedding is up north. A 5 hour ish drive dependent on traffic. I normally wouldn't have any problem doing this, I have travelled to all my friends weddings (I moved away years ago). But I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and getting really uncomfortable driving to work even never mind that much of a long distance. I accepted the rsvp last year before I even knew I was pregnant, so can't be helped, but I think friends will fall out with me if I don't go... and part of me thinks rightly so as it's wasting their money, I really don't want to let them down. But I just underestimated how tired I'd still be in the 2nd trimester and the drive is crazy. Train is a no go too as so expensive unfortunately.

Help, I feel so bad but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend over it!

Personally, I think driving 5 hours to visit Chessington World of Adventures whilst 36 weeks pregnant, on crutches and in charge of a toddler would be irresponsible, but it just goes to show that every pregnancy is different. Including OPs.

YANBU from someone who's had a tough pregnancy. Someone made me cry because I dared complained in how much pain I was at 18 weeks "don't be silly, this is the absolute best time in pregnancy, it will get so much worse on your third trimester"

I am in my 3rd trimester and feel MILES better than at 24 weeks. I got PGP at week 15 and was absolutely crippled with it for months. Some of the physio has now come together and I finally feel better.

Everyone telling you what you should or should not be able to do at 24 weeks can FUCK OFF. I would not have managed to drive 5 hours at 24 weeks then do all the standing and sitting required at a wedding. It would have been completely off the cards.

You risk making your sciatica so much worse.

No one is less sympathetic than women who were lucky enough to have an easy pregnancy. Because they had zero symptoms and went to crossfit until 9 months in, you must just be weak.

@brendasmall Your daughter is being irresponsible and ignoring medical advice. Forcing herself to do that with pelvis issues at 36 weeks carries a very high risk of her injuring herself permanently. She'll be one of those women still suffering with PGP a year after birth. Absolutely nothing to be admired or to be set as an example.

apart from the pelvis problems, she’s been very lucky, and she was last time.
She’s already got plans for after she has the baby!
Shes very much like me, regardless, carry on, unlike my other daughter, who’s like my husband 🤣🤣 he’s ill he’ll want rest, lol, my other daughter struggled with being pregnant and afterwards too

Medical advice is not to stop doing anything!
she’s been told to keep active!

When doctors tell a heavily pregnant woman on crutches to stay active, they do not mean go mountain climbing, nor do they mean this huge day out. I expect the 5 hours in a car on its own would be very painful. Instead of defending your daughter you should be encouraging her to slow down!

@BrendaSmall I think they mean normal daily activities, not driving five hours to a theme park!

🙄

I’ve told her she needs to take it easy!
shes never been one to just sit around, regardless she’s always on the go
No doubt as soon as she’s had the baby she’ll be out and about like she was when she had the other one!

@BrendaSmall quick! Someone get this woman a Pride of Britain award.

A real friend would understand if you cancelled now. Would be unkind to do so the day before.

😂

Brilliant!!! Sums it up completely!

I hope made dinner when she got home, after all she needs to stay active!

Im someone who just carried on with my crutches. As a result that baby is now 15 and I still have issues. I had x rays about a year after birth to find out why there was still so much pain. It showed the bones had ossified like in a break to try stabilise themselves and fixed the symphasis pubis in the wrong place.

It was people who kept going on about 'not ill, pegnant' that pushed me to do more than my body could handle. I'm now left with permanent issues.

If anyone is reading this - it doesn't matter that so an so daughters is so amazing that they just laugh of needing crutches. You have to live with your body for the rest of your days, look after it.

There’s no comparison to be made here. Completely different circumstances, and I think everyone would expect and understand cancellation in the examples you’ve given.

Yes I do drive regularly to Cornwall from the NW.
The op didn't state in her original post that she had sciatica.
I was giving my opinion, you have yours. My post doesn't make me look any more ridiculous than yours which is rude.

So you didn't read all the OP's posts before responding? Okay...

She said clearly in her OP that she'd be travelling alone and driving herself there and back over a weekend, while already feeling tired. You responded by saying it was no problem, you'd done that journey — but you'd been a passenger so a) you hadn't had to drive for 10+ hours over a single weekend and b) you'd had company and support. In what way does that compare to the OP's challenge?

It's not rude to point out the ridiculousness of someone pretending that their own relatively unchallenging experience is just like the far more daunting one that the OP is facing.

Different circumstances, yes, but same understanding and forgiveness required imo.

Quoting this so more people see it.

I've had PGP and this is exactly what my physio warned me about when I was depressed about not exercising. It's horrible when people keep telling you you're not ill, just pregnant, and everyone is so keen to NOT treat you differently nowadays, keep going etc. It's very harmful.

OP is the one that has to deal with the physical consequences and her absolute priority should be to take care of herself.

Any good friend would understand. I certainly would. If they don't, they're not good enough friends.

You do need to balance it with not isolating yourself too much from friends but that is up to OP to manage. You certainly shouldn't force yourself to do anything because mumsnet totally lacks compassion for pregnant women.

The whole “pregnancy is not an illness” thing is just late stage capitalism at work to guilt trip women into doing permanent damage to their bodies for the sake of economic productivity.

Hi everyone,

A little update. Woke up this morning after a long shift yesterday in a lot of pain, thought there's not a chance I'll be able to drive, even sitting on the train for that long is questionable.

Got really upset and thought I'd message the brides sister to explain (didn't want to stress bride out so close to the day as I know she's out today!). The brides sister rang me and cut a long story short, my lovely friend had actually expressed that she was worried about me doing the journey on my own pregnant so she was going to ring me this week to check I was all okay and if I wasn't feeling up to it was going to tell me she was fine with me missing out. Told me it was totally my choice, they would love to see me but with the reasons I'd given not to worry. I offered to pay for my place (I'll be sending a gift and money towards honeymoon also) and she assured me it wasn't needed, bride and groom cut me out of the alcohol packages when I told them I was pregnant and food is a wedding breakfast buffet so said the food will get eaten don't worry. Will catch up with bride tomorrow but brides sister told me not to worry and she and bride were more worried about me and baby than making it.

It's a weight of my shoulders and I'm happy that I have such a lovely friend. I'll be up north to see some of my family when baby is here so I'll be sure to call in and do something nice with her to celebrate both her wedding and the baby 😊

Thanks to all the posters on here who told me not to push myself. I think I've realised it's super important to look after our bodies. For now, rest it is 😊

That is wonderful news @indiiii So pleased for you that you can stop worrying now and relax and look forward to your baby arriving in due course. Very caring friend you have too

Lovely update.
You have a very thoughtful friend on your side. Hug her tight when you get a chance to.
And that comes from someone who thought you'd sound flaky to pull-out so close to the date.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Give your apologies, say you are having horrible morning sickness and can't make the journey. Pregnancy can be bloody tough and anyone giving you a hard time about it needs to wise up. Drop-outs happen for all sorts of reasons. If you'd had a medical emergency no one would bat an eyelid. It's because everyone thinks pregnancy is natural and you can just carry on as normal that's the problem. You're growing something the size of a watermelon inside you. If that was a man growing a watermelon in his gonad, no one would expect him to drag that around for a party. Go easy on yourself. No guilt needed

I still don't understand how it happened that so many posters would prefer you to hurt yourself if it was their wedding.Terrible people.

Glad it is solved now.
You were never being unreasonable, but now it is official.

Why, because she doesn’t treat pregnancy like an illness and just gets on with it???