To cancel going to a wedding because I'm pregnant?

[indiiii]

I have a wedding to attend next weekend. For context, I live down south and the wedding is up north. A 5 hour ish drive dependent on traffic. I normally wouldn't have any problem doing this, I have travelled to all my friends weddings (I moved away years ago). But I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and getting really uncomfortable driving to work even never mind that much of a long distance. I accepted the rsvp last year before I even knew I was pregnant, so can't be helped, but I think friends will fall out with me if I don't go... and part of me thinks rightly so as it's wasting their money, I really don't want to let them down. But I just underestimated how tired I'd still be in the 2nd trimester and the drive is crazy. Train is a no go too as so expensive unfortunately.

Help, I feel so bad but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend over it!

It's such short notice, I think it would be really bad form to cancel. If you do, cite the knee surgery and sciatica rather than the pregnancy! But I think you should go, just break up the journey.

If you’re that tired OP (I do believe you) please consider getting your iron and b12 tested. As a high priority.

it could well be there is a physical reason for the fatigue and you can absolutely get that fixed quickly by infusion/injection.

Sciatica can be really painful and 5 hours is a long drive. It's all very well people saying "break the journey up with stops" but depending on what time the wedding starts that might not be feasible unless she leaves in the early hours of the morning!

OP, are you staying over or will you also have a 5 hour drive back at the end of the day? If you're aleady feeling exhausted and in pain I would question whether its actually safe for you be driving home at the end of a long day.

You will get lots of people telling you to get a grip because you're "only" 24 weeks but not everyone has an easy pregnancy. Lots of pregnant women end up going off sick or starting their maternity leave early due to back pain/hip pain, so if you need to keep working then its important to rest at weekends.

Anyone who would end a friendship with you because of this is not a very good friend to begin with IMO. I would hate the thought of a pregnant friend putting themselves through agony because they felt obliged to attend my wedding.

The 5 hour drive would have put me in bed at that stage so I’d have missed the wedding anyway. I’d have to cancel.

I think it’s pretty unreasonable to cancel the week before. If you’ve been having sciatica since 20 weeks, that’s eight weeks ago and it would have been fine to cancel then.

If you’re not well, you’re not well, but be prepared to lose a friend potentially.

It’s a bit short notice.
But I’m sure deep down they wouldn’t want you to be miserable in order to attend. But the bride and groom might have lost sight of that in the stress of organising things. I’d be tempted to keep the peace and lie. Say your dr has advised you not to go because of either sciatica or something else like high blood pressure.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant and I wouldn't cancel attending a wedding due to that, and mine is high risk. A bit of tiredness isn't the end of the world

I think you’re being a bit flakey really..

Can you get a lift/train instead?

how close a friend is she?
If you’re not in the bridal Party, honestly are they really going to miss one person?
I’d let her know now and tell her you’re sick and may not be well enough to come in case she wants to give out your place. Weddings always have numbers go up or down by a few as life happens

Covid is back now and I know a few people who’ve had to miss events with having covid - can’t be helped

Have you looked at split my fare for the train fare?

Is there any way to split the journey / fly / share part of the way with a friend etc? I say that because you might enjoy going a lot more than you think, but I agree the travel currently sounds really tough. Ultimately however, you have to prioritise your health and your baby’s health (and the safety of other road users if you don’t feel safe doing the drive!). It doesn’t matter how anyone else felt when they were pregnant or what they could or couldn’t do - it’s your pregnancy and everyone is different. Some MNetters seem to struggle to understand that on any thread like this. No one can call you unreasonable for cancelling for health reasons and it’s a little unfair to cite the proximity to the day as a reason not to cancel - it’s so hard to predict how you’ll feel when pregnant and it sounds like you accepted the invitation in every good faith. However, I would tell the bride ASAP so she can invite someone else if possible and send a lovely gift. I think it’s a bit of a fallacy to state the place is wasted if you don’t go when, by the sounds of it, you’ll feel tired and stressed enough that you won’t be enjoying the day anyway.

It’s not a case of cancelling, your place (and presumably your DH’s) has been bought and paid for already. They won’t get their money back. Say if it’s a traditional wedding with drinks on arrival, canapés, 3 course meal, coffee, champagne for the toast, an evening buffet etc, it will come in at not far off £100 a head. Thats £200 you’re costing her if she can’t fill that space with a weeks notice.

It’s humbling when you realise the effort everyone goes to when attending weddings. Your friend will realise the effort it’s taken. But you’re right, it will likely lead to a fallout if you don’t go.

You can decide not to go to the wedding for whatever reason you like. A friend will understand. I can't believe the amount of people who would be willing to lose a friend under such circumstances. Just tell her you aren't up to it, especially as DH is unable to share the drive. And it really doesn't matter in the great scheme of things, especially if you are guest and not part of the wedding party. What other people did when they were pregnant is immaterial because, as we all know, every pregnancy is different.

I really feel for you
Alternatives and modifications to look into…
•2 for 1 railcard
•split my fare
•flying
•stopping in hotel en route. We do this often and even just pulling over when tired it’s less than £60, much less in advance.

I’m pretty chilled but I think I’d be a bit pissed off if you cancelled a week before at 24 (or even 34!) weeks without any major complications. I wouldn’t make a fuss of it but I might take a bit of a quiet step back from the friendship.
If you really aren’t up to it then let her know and maybe offer to fund your missed space, but I’d try to make the effort. It’s very short notice to cancel and too late to invite others in your place.

I went to a few weddings when about 25 weeks pregnant. You’ll enjoy it more than you think. You get a whole different perspective when you’re not drinking. You have better conversations, lots of people will be interested in hearing about the baby, lots of people will say ‘wow, you drove up from Devon this morning! Ahh you must be a great friend.’

I know you’re dreading it and I can understand why, but these things are never as bad as we think they are.

Yanbu if you are tired or feeling poorly, don't attend. Send some well wishes, and post out your gift.
Not every pregnant woman has the same symptoms and others can feel worse. And no you don't have to force yourself at all just because someone else tells you they managed.

Where are you travelling from and to? You could maybe drive for 2 hours or so and park near a station and get the train the rest of the way?

I agree it’s really frustrating as a bride when this happens but the space is wasted whether the seat is empty or whether it is filled with someone who doesn’t feel well enough to be there and is having a bad time. I agree the OP should try and get there if she can find a way that she feels able to but as a bride, I wouldn’t have minded an empty seat if the alternative was dragging a pregnant guest to fill it just because. Obviously the best solution is an earlier cancellation but this can’t be changed now. You pay for a wedding knowing full well people might drop out last minute for health or other reasons.

Agree. If someone cancelled 2 weeks to go we would be out a significant amount

Cancel but offer to pay the costs so that you are not wasting their money.

And still send a gift.

See if you can bring the train fare down. E.g. a Two Together railcard assuming you're travelling with your partner might bring the cost down. Also try searching via The Trainline as it automatically looks for split fares which can save you money.

I really don't think you should cancel it at all possible. It would be different if you hss something like HG, but feeling tired and a sore back isn't a great excuse for cancelling at such short notice.

Be honest, you just can't really be bothered can you?
You'll still be expected to travel for work at 24 weeks pregnant if you don't have any additional health issues so if being tired won't wash with your employer then it won't wash to your friend and I say that as someone who suffered from hypermesis, sciatica and rib flare throughout pregnancy.

I attended my brother in laws wedding while pregnant and had to keep nipping up to the hotel room to be sick but you just have to do what you have to do otherwise women wouldn't go anywhere or do anything during pregnancy!

I feel like you should go. Can someone else drive?

I went to a wedding 3hrs away at 34 weeks. It didn’t cross my mind not to. Just had to suck it up on the car journey.