To cancel going to a wedding because I'm pregnant?

[indiiii]

I have a wedding to attend next weekend. For context, I live down south and the wedding is up north. A 5 hour ish drive dependent on traffic. I normally wouldn't have any problem doing this, I have travelled to all my friends weddings (I moved away years ago). But I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and getting really uncomfortable driving to work even never mind that much of a long distance. I accepted the rsvp last year before I even knew I was pregnant, so can't be helped, but I think friends will fall out with me if I don't go... and part of me thinks rightly so as it's wasting their money, I really don't want to let them down. But I just underestimated how tired I'd still be in the 2nd trimester and the drive is crazy. Train is a no go too as so expensive unfortunately.

Help, I feel so bad but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend over it!

Be upfront. If they are real friends they will understand.

Women's pain is routinely minimised and ignored by the medical profession already, we don't need to do it to ourselves as well.

Exactly this. If women could just stop martyring themselves, and holding that up as a shining example of How To Woman 'correctly', we might all be a bit better off.

A 5 hour car drive can be taxing at the best of times. A wedding isn't an emergency, or necessary work, and it would be a poor friend indeed that wouldn't be understanding of the OP's situation.

Honestly you will be fine once you get there. I attended a friend’s wedding 3 hours away, a day before my due date. I took all my notes with me and we had bags packed in case of emergency. I was like a whale and could barely stand. We didn’t stay very long after the meal and thankfully baby didn’t come for another week. I think you will regret not going.

That said train up and not drive yourself! I would not have done that

A lot of messages focussing on ‘only’ being 24weeks and the tiredness but ignoring the fact the poor OP has sciatica triggered by driving?
If you were my patient (GP) I would strongly advise against a 10 hour return drive in a weekend in these circs. Very high chance of aggravating the sciatica and potentially even being unable to drive home. I also would advise that someone with significant fatigue shouldn’t be driving long distances either. Unless someone can drive you (and sounds like your husband can’t due to surgery?) or you can manage to sort train I personally don’t think it’s a good idea. And I can’t imagine being upset about it if o was the bride.

I'm not sure why people who are more pregnant than OP (or who have relatives more pregnant than OP?) are posting with such authority! The only expert in how OP feels is ... OP. How anyone else feels or felt is totally irrelevant. Anyway, 'take it from me OP', I found being 24 weeks pregnant much harder than being heavily pregnant (and in fact went to a wedding with ease at 38 weeks), and I found both more exhausting than having a baby at any stage!

Coming at it from a different angle but the older I'm getting the more I appreciate my friendships. Sometimes we have to push ourselves for the people we love. If I were you, I would be looking at all my options so I could get there comfortably and safely but I would prioritise getting there.
It's so easy, especially around a big life changing event like pregnancy, to talk yourself out of things that may cause you tiredness or discomfort but then sometimes you get a few years down the line and realise that you have made your world quite small and motherhood can be lonely. Good friendships with other women are so important.
If you aren't that close with the bride though disregard all of that as its just an opinion.

THIS!! Great post.
who could possibly argue against this?! ⬆️

True but sometimes realising that others have done it and got through helps to decide that actually you can give it a go. That is why she has posed the question in here surely. Other people are giving their experiences.

I have had plenty of events in my life that I didn’t feel up then went and had a great time. This is a one off wedding for friend. Now if she genuinely cannot go then fair enough. If she is exhausted and can’t make it then I am sure the bride and Groom with understand. I worry that she will regret it if these are close friends as you won’t get another chance to be there.

That ^^
I had sciatica (different cause) leading to cauda equina and I was in absolute agony up to the eyeballs on morphine and diazepam
Not a hope I could have driven that distance

These posts are so unhelpful. Just because one person is able to do something, doesn't mean everyone else can. Tell your daughter how bloody amazing she is, but don't use her as an example to criticise someone else whose experience of pain and discomfort is likely to be completely different from hers.

Can you go by train rather than driving? Though with the state of our railways and all the works/timetable changes that may not be less stressful!

You’re only 24wks, I’d look into a coach, then you’re not driving. Or look at driving half way and stay in a hotel. For an old friend I think you’re unreasonable if you don’t attend. Fair enough if you were 36wks plus

A lot of harsh responses. Totally agree that everyone's pregnancy is different. I suffered extreme morning sickness for a lot longer than is considered normal and would be disappointed to discover that someone thought I was exaggerating because it doesn't match their expectation/experience of pregnancy (you know your own body).

If you were my friend I wouldn't expect you to do a 5hr journey if pregnant and suffering from sciatica. Yes it's not ideal that it's the week before the wedding, what are you supposed to do? Put yourself through extreme discomfort for several hours?

@BrendaSmall

so?? Your daughter isn’t Op is she?

If you’re not up to it, then you’re not up to it, but ideally you’d need to cancel today so the couple has a chance of bumping up an evening guest to fill your spot.

I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. I think if you had titled your post - do you think my friend would understand if I cancel going to her wedding because I have sciatica and driving for 5hrs is going to be very painful for me - I think the responses you would have got would be different.

For me - you being pregnant is a red herring in a way - but I guess I have experienced sciatica so you have my empathy.

Personally, I think I would contact your friend and say you have sciatica and will find driving painful / hubby’s knee not ok to drive - does she have any relatives who live near you or you can train to who would mind driving you the rest of the way. She might offer for you not to come if things are too bad in which case that will help smooth your friendship over if she has offered and you don’t go.

I would also consider ditching but money you save on accommodation to go to their wedding present to cover expenses for your meal etc.

At the end of the day - you being stressed and in pain is not good for you or for the baby - I would understand if a friend told me this and had to cancel coming to my wedding.

Surely this is a parody post?

Chessington World of Adventures on crutches?

Top class trolling

YABVU to cancel because of being pregnant and tired.

However the sciatica does have an impact and only you can judge that. If you do cancel, I’d blame the sciatica not the pregnancy. Pregnancy is a normal condition, it’s not illness (and I say that as someone who had HG throughout all my pregnancies, which is also another kettle of fish but wouldn’t have cancelled a wedding because of it, unless it was when I had to go into hospital for emergency treatment of course).

Can you book some annual leave to allow time to rest after the wedding? Possibly stay an extra night at the hotel so you have a longer break between the two legs of the journey?

Could you get the train? I had a really rough pregnancy and wouldn’t have been able to do anything like this, however cancelling the weekend before is really unfair for your friend.

They will already have made their seating arrangements and probably had it displayed. However, if you are in sheer pain then I’m sure they will understand. If you have an automatic car and it’s the left knee then DP can help you with the driving.

No not trolling, yes she actually did!
Very slowly yes, and obviously there’s places to sit and no she didn’t go on the rides 🤣

I'm really surprised and saddened at some of these responses tbh
Op if you don't feel well enough, don't go. It's as simple as that
It's not a decision you would have made lightly
If you do decide to go, accept that you can't do it the way others would - I.e. you wouldn't be able to do the 5 hrs drive in one go. So break it up, stay over in a hotel the night before, etc etc just think of ways to make it easier for yourself.

Exactly this. You are NOT being unreasonable. Its perfectly reasonable to feel like utter garbage in the second trimester. I basically felt like I had flu the entire pregnancy - tired, sore, and faintly nauseated. A five hour drive would have been impossible. It’s completely okay to put yourself and your baby first. It’s completely okay to tell your friend that you thought you would feel better by this point in the pregnancy but actually you’re still feeling awful and you can’t make it. A true friend would understand that nothing is more important than your health and wellbeing and that of your baby.

When you’re tired and pregnant everything is such a mountain and it seems unclimbable but I think you’ll regret it if you don’t and she is a good friend- I missed things when pregnant or kids were sick that now I look back on and think I definitely could have made and it’s such a pity!!

How utterly ridiculous of her!

36 weeks and playing top trumps hero!