To cancel going to a wedding because I'm pregnant?

[indiiii]

I have a wedding to attend next weekend. For context, I live down south and the wedding is up north. A 5 hour ish drive dependent on traffic. I normally wouldn't have any problem doing this, I have travelled to all my friends weddings (I moved away years ago). But I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and getting really uncomfortable driving to work even never mind that much of a long distance. I accepted the rsvp last year before I even knew I was pregnant, so can't be helped, but I think friends will fall out with me if I don't go... and part of me thinks rightly so as it's wasting their money, I really don't want to let them down. But I just underestimated how tired I'd still be in the 2nd trimester and the drive is crazy. Train is a no go too as so expensive unfortunately.

Help, I feel so bad but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend over it!

When you're suggesting lying to a friend about having high blood pressure, when they've forked out possibly hundreds of pounds for her attendance? That's rude..

Also, what does high blood pressure have to do with attending a friends wedding? I know you said you're not a medic but it doesn't take a PHD to figure out that it's a bit of a lame excuse.

My own brother dropped out of my wedding due to unspecified health reasons the day before my wedding.
Other than hoping he was ok, it didn't phase me at all.

I've run big events for years, and I advise that:

1. Your budget is spent or unspent, you pay a price for everyone to be fed, you don't fret about a few extra plates. And you ask caterers to send spare pudding to the top table.
2. You will get 5-10% dropouts probably. Make your peace with that.
3. Once all the deposits are paid etc it's time to focus on organising and enjoying those who will be there. Not stressing about who isn't.

In reality the couples still have a snipe at the short notice cancellers.

If that was to me, then, um ok whatever you think.
Hundreds of pounds per person is, um, unusual though.

Ideally making the journey more tolerable with a hotel or train would be a first choice.

If it is too painful and exhausting to drive up safely, that's just the way it is. It is a long journey by any standard and a tall order when your function level is impaired.

Are you getting any physio or theraputic intervention? I had SPD/ PGP pregnancies. First time was dismissed by HCPs and I ended up pretty much housebound by the last month. Second time I knew more about it and managed it better and managed to keep moving (but not dumb enough to do a theme park on crutches) but the NHS physio timelines were pointlessly slow. From referral at 24 weeks when my hip began grinding, I wasn't seen until 37 weeks when I was already on crutches. My symptoms continued for months post-birth until I went to an osteopath and within a couple of weeks of seeing her, I could finally walk without limping. If only I'd known that was an option first time around.

Pregnancy often does a fucking amazing impression of being an illness and it's harder to treat with things like effective medication than when not pregnant. It doesn't matter what the wonderwomen pull off, you have to listen to your body and consider the longer impacts of over-doing things- nobody else will take the suffering for you.

you’re pregnant not ill

How many times will this old cliche be trotted out? We all know that pregnancy is not an illness. But pregnancy can MAKE you ill. Is it any wonder the world is in the state it's in if so many people are unable to comprehend that not everyone is like them? I had nausea and reflux throughout both my pregnancies. It sounds so trivial but there were times I could barely function. I only gained 10lbs because everything made me feel sick, even though I wasn't vomiting. My feet were so swollen I could only wear flip flops. And I genuinely thought I got off lightly compared to some😆

Hmm I’m going to a wedding 3 hours away at 37+5. I have bad symptoms (swelling mainly) but I will do it for the friend. I was at Coachella at 20+ weeks but we are all different people and it’s important to put health first.

I think leaving it this late notice makes you unreasonable.

I do live in reality, thanks

Are other friends or family going to be attending the wedding (i.e. will you be found out)?
Practically, I would be strongly tempted to develop Covid on Thurs morning (testing as pregnant) so they have 48hrs to get a replacement in if possible....
I would also send a card saying how sad I was not to be attending their special day and be very apologetic.

I flew for 16 hours in economy at 24 weeks with twins and SPD with a toddler. I would be unimpressed if you cancelled on my wedding in these circumstances. Only you truly know if you can’t manage it but don’t be surprised if the bride and groom are unimpressed

So you didn't have to drive yourself on a ten-hour round trip when you already felt tired. You felt well, you say. You have a driver and company. And you didn't have sciatica, which is agonising and may mean that OP will struggle to drive without pain. In fact she might get there and then find she can't drive back if she makes the sciatica worse.

Have you ever driven a five-hour journey on your own? Even at the best of times it can be exhausting. I drove from the south-west to the north Norfolk coast at the beginning of the month. It took nearly seven hours: traffic, an accident closing a major road. Stuck in traffic, then trying to find a way out via back lanes. I was shattered. I would have dreaded having to turn around and do the same journey the next day.

I wonder if you have any idea how ridiculous your response makes you look?

Yabu

Take the train or have plenty of rest breaks.

It's too long a drive op, personally I would take the train or break it up a lot over a couple of days.

Might be too late now though to sort that unfortunately.

I’ve revisited this thread to entertain myself with the batshittery martyrdom! ‘I went to a wedding with my baby head’s crowning’ etc etc 😂😂
OP please don’t go if you don’t want to. Please disregard the women who are telling you how should be feeling.

I'd go definitely

Take a break half way

All these people saying they would be annoyed to be told this at such short notice: wow are you really so unforgiving? We had a couple cancel on the morning of our wedding - his mother had died - and another couple pulled out through illness. I honestly felt only concern for them, was totally unbothered about the empty places at the table and the expense that had been spent on them. Actually, I was able to ask a lovely couple who turned up to see me marry (it was a church ceremony so technically open to anyone to attend) to take one absent couple's places at the meal so the waste was reduced, but that is beside the point. If you cancelled on me now, with a week to go, I would completely understand. When did people become so unforgiving?

I’ve revisited this thread to entertain myself with the batshittery martyrdom! ‘I went to a wedding with my baby head’s crowning’ etc etc 😂😂

🤣🤣

A drive of that length when you’re distracted by pain would be irresponsible imo

If you can manage to afford a train that’s great but I wouldn’t be putting myself and other road users in danger just to attend a friends wedding

I totally agree. There’s also a good chance you won’t sleep well / at all due to pain if the sciatica flares up with the first journey then you have to get yourself home in pain and even more tired.

Covid

I can’t believe any friend would want you to put yourself at risk of accident through distraction or fatigue. And I can’t believe how many people on this thread are bullying you into essentially putting you and your baby at risk (and other road users).

It’s not too bad a journey depending on where in the south you are (I do Brighton to Yorkshire regularly), although appreciate being of makes it much more of a bugger.

The first time I did it I was very inexperienced with long distance/motorway driving so broke it into 4 or 5 chunks with short motorway stops.

I set the Sat Nav only for each ‘leg’ which made it feel less intimidating, took lots of snacks and made a playlist.

Left at 5.30am and was there by midday.

Are you going the day before the wedding and coming back the day after?

I had a friend cancel coming to my wedding at short notice for similar reasons, obviously I was disappointed she wouldn't be there, but honestly I was much more concerned about her health than the fact she couldn't come. Any bride who gets funny about this isn't a real friend imo.

I'd also be worried about the effect driving could have on your sciatica and whether you'll end up stuck - could you take someone along to help with the driving and see if they could have a day near by while you're at the wedding?

I'd go. You can break the drive up? Are you going alone? Could your partner drive?

Nothing to do with being a hero, she’s pregnant not ill, even if she does have a bad pelvis!