To cancel going to a wedding because I'm pregnant?

[indiiii]

I have a wedding to attend next weekend. For context, I live down south and the wedding is up north. A 5 hour ish drive dependent on traffic. I normally wouldn't have any problem doing this, I have travelled to all my friends weddings (I moved away years ago). But I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and getting really uncomfortable driving to work even never mind that much of a long distance. I accepted the rsvp last year before I even knew I was pregnant, so can't be helped, but I think friends will fall out with me if I don't go... and part of me thinks rightly so as it's wasting their money, I really don't want to let them down. But I just underestimated how tired I'd still be in the 2nd trimester and the drive is crazy. Train is a no go too as so expensive unfortunately.

Help, I feel so bad but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend over it!

Don't be a martyr just for the sake of it.

Your health is more important and noone sane really expects you to come through pain.

I agree. Get a grip.

I'm going to assume if she was a really close friend, or let's say a close relative like your sister, this wouldn't even be a question. You'd just get on with it.

Do you have to do the driving yourself? Can't your DP drive, or you go on the train?

If someone didn’t feel like coming to my wedding in your circumstances, I would be very understanding. I can’t stand the attitude that all pregnant women should just keep going and not complain and do everything they normally do because some can. Everyone is different

I agree, I worked right up until the end and by the time weekend came I was utterly exhausted, felt nauseous the entire time and all I wanted to do was rest. Just because others have easier pregnancies doesnt mean everyone does.

Yes, I'd be disappointed if I was the bride but I'd understand, surely the entire point is you want guests to enjoy themselves - feeling sick and like you're going to pass out or fall asleep is hardly "enjoying yourself". It's just one of those things. Its one day.

Is DH at least able to travel with you, and maybe attend the evening do?

I'd look at the train again. With a railcard of some description

To be honest, I was only about 16 weeks so the bride and groom didn't know I was pregnant at the time, only my PIL and my husband, we hadn't even told my step son at that point so no one forced me to bit people would have been confused if I hadn't turned up! Plus my husband was best man so it was a non negotiable to me. I'm not going to lie, I didn't really have that much fun but I'm glad I made the effort as it would have taken the shine of their day to have made an excuse to not turn up!

I think the problem here is that the wedding is next week.
If the OP had said a few weeks ago that she was struggling with her health and wasn't sure she could make it and now wanted to pull out I think that would be totally fine. But she's known that she had these problems for some time and just hoped that things would get better. I do think it's incredibly poor to cancel last minute for something you've known about for weeks.

Did you get a medal for attending? You surely deserved one?

Have you tried a tens machine for the sciatica? Made a huge difference to me when I was pregnant & suffering, physio gave me it at clinc appt.

Have you checked the cost of going by bus/coach?

Sitting in a coach won't be any better fkr sciatica than sitting in a car. You can't get up and walk around in a coach either. At least if she drives, she can stop and go for a walk

Can't quite tell if that's sarcasm or not 😂but no, no medal, chocolate or otherwise. Would have been nice though!

I had sciatica caused by a slipped disc and driving was really painful - I would literally be counting down the minutes in a 10 min car journey and then have to lie down for ages after so I don’t think you would be unreasonable to cancel if you can’t find another way to get there. Also need to consider the safety element as I’ll be honest I struggled to turn in my seat if I was reversing etc

But I would definitely use the sciatica as the reason not that you’re tired especially if the bride doesn’t have children as it can be hard to relate to that feeling if you’ve not experienced it.

Tell her asap so she can possibly fill your spaces - my sister had a couple of drop outs the week before and was able to invite some newer friends so it worked out ok for her.

I went to a wedding down south at 39 weeks with no problems (although my husband was doing the driving). But people react to pregnancies differently and 5 hours in a car is a long time if feeling uncomfortable.
I once did an 8 hour car journey with a woman who needed to stop every 30 minutes to pee...

Not wanting to be all doom and gloom here but...

Tired is your new normal

Pregnancy is tiring
Having a tiny baby is tiring
Having an older baby (who probably still doesn't sleep well) is tiring
Having an toddler/preeschooler (who probably still doesn't sleep well) is tiring
Motherhood is tiring

If you can split up the journey etc it might help, or just suck up the cost of the train.

But honestly if I waited until I wasn't tired, I think it would be a good decade. So I wouldn't start down the road of not doing stuff because you're knackered (unless it becomes dangerous of course).

A 5 hour drive is exhausting pregnant or not! I can’t believe some of the replies.
You are pregnant and in pain. Your comfort and your growing baby is more important than a wedding OP. Being pregnant is very tiring, you’ll get there and feel drained and possibly resentful. God forbid something happening on the drive up there! You would much rather lose a friend than make yourself unwell or compromise your baby’s health.
Tell her you can’t go TODAY. A week is enough notice to extend an invitation to a guest for a plus one. If she falls out with you then you not to worry you’ve got your baby to look forward to :)

She doesn't "have to" do anything though, and neither did you. You made a choice.

It's odd that you seem to think because you chose to attend a wedding when you were pregnant and feeling unwell, that means every other woman should do the same. Personally, when I got married I think I'd have preferred my SIL stay home and take care of herself. I'd have felt guilty and a bit awkward seeing her running back and forth to the toilet to throw up the whole time.

The idea that OP should force herself to drive for 5 hours with sciatica because "otherwise women wouldn't go anywhere or do anything during pregnancy" just doesn't make any logical sense! People can decide to do activities/events that feel manageable for them and decline ones that don't, pregnant or not.

As for travelling for work, it would be perfectly reasonable for OP to refuse to drive to a work event 5 hours away given that she is suffering from sciatica. Unless she has a job that regularly requires her to drive to events 5 hours away this is irrelevant anyway and unlikely to be an issue.

I think you should go - but for another reason. You don’t know how life with a baby will be, my second is 8 months old now, and due to my OH working away, grandparents moving, exclusively breastfeeding and never bothering to get her used to a bottle, I haven’t done anything social since I was pregnant. I was exhausted both pregnancies and a 5 hour drive would have been daunting but with the benefit of hindsight I’d take all opportunities to socialise! obviously it may not be the case for you but equally this might be the last chance for a while to see your friends baby free!

You’re getting a bit of a hard time on here, and tbh I mean this kindly but I think once you’re on your second pregnancy and you’ve got a crazy toddler, you realise life just has to go on, and some of that (much deserved!) indulgence in the first pregnancy just isn’t there on subsequent pregnancies. I think people forget just how it feels to be pregnant for the first time and respond with a lack of sympathy!!

RTFT

Some of you saying you'd be letting the bride down or the bride be furious because she's paid for her meal etc, don't sound like they would make very good friends tbh.

Putting myself in the bride's place as the one being "let down last minute, I think I'd be a shit friend preferring them to come because "money/last minute/seating plans". If one of my friends was pregnant and suffering bad sciatic, the last thing I would want is for them to spend ten hours in total driving in pain. I would definitely prefer them to stay home, and if they felt guilty or sad because I knew they had really wanted to come, I would try and either FaceTime at some point or send a video afterwards so she felt included. The money is a sunk cost anyway.
I know sciatica can be very bad, I imagine your GP or medical team would be advising against you doing this, especially if your DP has had knee surgery and you have presumably been doing the bulk of house stuff too. Even bending down to put one lot laundry in the machine is so painful with sciatica.

@indiiii I know MN can sometimes suggest ideas that aren't possible for financial reasons, and this may be one but if you are determined to go, could you hire any automatic car if you have a manual one now? Could make it easier.

Please don't feel guilt tripped into going however, ring your actual friend and discuss it with her. I imagine she would prefer you not to make the long journey and be mortified to think you'd be doing it because of guilt about the money/last minute etc. A true friend would prefer you not to.

Agree with those saying get your iron checked. It can really wipe you out. Make sure you are taking a supplement anyway but those you get from doctor are much, much stronger.

You see an improvement in just a couple of days.

If you are looking for trains it is also worth checking the prices if you don't go all the way to your home station. E.g if you were doing Blackpool to Edinburgh, the price from Preston to Edinburgh is often a lot lower and then you can just buy the last leg separately.

You are normally better 12 weeks in advance but sometimes part of the journey has cheaper tickets left so worth a few variations in search. You could perhaps even leave your car near a station depending on the area and say drive an hour a train the rest but obviously very location dependent as to whether this is worth it.

Do you have a room at the wedding venue?

Make sure you have good comfy shoes and I did support tights too. I was 38 weeks pregnant and at my brother's wedding seven hours away. Wasn't what I'd have liked in an ideal world but wasn't as bad as I had feared and I managed much better than expected.

I've already responded that the bride and groom didn't know I was pregnant and I don't think they noticed me going back and forward as I didn't want to take the shine off their day. It was my choice, you are correct, but I'm not saying that anyone HAS to because I did. I'm just drawing on a personal experience to illustrate the point that sometimes we should make an effort to maintain good relationships with people that we care about. The OP has also expressed she doesn't have any health conditions or additional difficulties during this pregnancy so she will perhaps enjoy it once she gets there and be glad she made the effort to see people before the baby comes.

@indiiii I did a 4.5 hour drive each way for a weekend seeing family when 25 weeks pregnant, and a 5 hour drive each way for a celebration at 28 weeks pregnant. If you stop for breaks every 1.5 hours (which is what my midwife recommended) you will be absolutely fine (to be honest for the 5 hour one at 28 weeks I only stopped once each way as I felt fine, and I was the one driving too).

I think you will be fine having plenty of stop breaks to stretch legs, and you’ll regret more not going.

From someone who’s daughter is 36 weeks pregnant and having to use crutches due to pelvis problems you are being very unreasonable.
my daughter is to the best of her ability chasing around after a 18 month old and she’s recently drove for over 5 hours and hobbled around Chessington World!!

Only you know how you feel, if you feel that you'll be uncomfortable travelling that far and don't want to break the trip up by stopping at various points, making it more of a road trip just explain to your friend.

She may be a good friend and understand, she may no, but just have it in the back of your mind it might be the last event she invites you to.

I'd get the train. Stay in travelodge night before maybe. How expensive is it on train because it's probably worth the money just to be able to relax and read a book etc rather than drive. Split tickets and will be cheaper.