To cancel going to a wedding because I'm pregnant?

[indiiii]

I have a wedding to attend next weekend. For context, I live down south and the wedding is up north. A 5 hour ish drive dependent on traffic. I normally wouldn't have any problem doing this, I have travelled to all my friends weddings (I moved away years ago). But I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and getting really uncomfortable driving to work even never mind that much of a long distance. I accepted the rsvp last year before I even knew I was pregnant, so can't be helped, but I think friends will fall out with me if I don't go... and part of me thinks rightly so as it's wasting their money, I really don't want to let them down. But I just underestimated how tired I'd still be in the 2nd trimester and the drive is crazy. Train is a no go too as so expensive unfortunately.

Help, I feel so bad but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend over it!

I really don't think you should cancel it at all possible. It would be different if you hss something like HG, but feeling tired and a sore back isn't a great excuse for cancelling at such short notice.

OP doesn't need an excuse. If she's not up to it then she's not. No-one else can say how she is feeling except her. It happens. It's fine.

At only 24 weeks I would be annoyed tbh and think you just couldn’t be bothered to make the effort for a friend.
YABU.

If I were the bride I'd want you to put yourself and baby first and not come. People shouldn't be mad at you about it, that's ridiculous.

I missed a friends wedding when I was 38 weeks pregnant - but I had declined several months before the wedding. I think it would have been fine to cancel if you had told her in good time (so table plans etc could be adjusted) but the week before is pretty rude unless there is something that couldn't have been forseen.

Are you just tired or do you have pregnancy anemia? If it's the latter i agree it is soul crushing but you need medical attention if it is that (and the pills/injection really did help me lots). If the former i would take the train, you should have either cancelled early on or be prepared to soldier on (i did for a friend's wedding as she was very important to me).

As a bride you expect a couple of drop outs but if she's going to be visiting your new baby you should attend her wedding.

This is such a mean reply and I imagine will make the OP feel pretty rubbish. Women have zero control over how they feel when pregnant. Their friends and family however have every control over how they react to the pregnant woman. If my SIL missed my wedding because she was frequently being sick I’d have nothing but empathy for her (alongside some natural disappointment for us both to be unable to share the day together). If she did come and had to nip away to be sick, I’d feel pleased to see her but I’d think no better of her than if she’d cancelled. I trust my family and I trust my friends and this means trusting them to know their own limits and put their own health first. Anyway, weddings are so busy there’s not a single person I’d have truly missed beyond my DH and parents.

If you and the pregnancy are safe..I would go, the thought is often worse than the doing....I'm going to be that person and say..tiredness is a big part of parenting, and it takes a lot of adjustment.
Go and try and have some fun.

Ridiculous and I say this as someone who had SPD and sciatica from 7 weeks in my second pregnancy.
It’s far too late to cancel and presumably this is someone you value as a friend since you’ve been invited to their wedding. I wouldn’t want to lose a friendship over being uncomfortable for a few hours drive

Go on the train, the day before, stay in a hotel and make a break of the whole weekend. It's really poor of you to cancel the weekend before just because you are 24 weeks pregnant.

I travelled back to the UK from the Falkland Islands (a gruelling journey...21 hour flight, plus a 6 hour train journey after arriving) at 33 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old to contend with, by myself, to attend my brother's wedding...then 3 days later had to do the return journey!! Yes, it was bloody exhausting, but I simply can't imagine saying 'sorry I can't come because I'm pregnant'.

🤷‍♀️

This is going to be me in August, I'm down south and wedding up North, similar driving time and I'll be 26 weeks pregnant. Absolutely no way would I cancel unless actually poorly. Especially cancelling the weekend before. Just take lots of breaks and stops on the way

Yeah cancel it op - also you won’t be able to drink so won’t be nearly as much as it would be normally!

Cancel but give them a cheque to cover at least your cost

I think it’s far too late to cancel and I wouldn’t ever let my friend down by cancelling this close. (Unless it was an emergency)

can you not break the journey up or even take the train, meaning you can get up and walk about?

I am 24 weeks pregnant also - can see where you are coming from and I also would feel guilty if I didn't go. I would probably force myself - break the journey up on the way - e.g. 2.5 hours drive then rest stop. Take drinks to have during the drive - I would stop off at a drive through Costa to make it worth my while 😋

I'd be really annoyed with you, very late notice and at 24wks I'd think you were being ridiculous tbh.
And I do understand tiredness, I had mine at 39 and 42 whilst working a full time job and doing a full time degree (not saying that out of competitiveness, just to show I genuinely do understand). I was anaemic, diabetic and on my knees but sometimes you just need to get on with it. You will when baby is here. Arrange an overnight stay and have a nice rest the day after.

I don’t think that comparisons are really fair or helpful. Everyone experiences pregnancy differently.

Of course you need an excuse to cancel attending a wedding at such short notice, unless you want to lose the friendship. OP's meal will already be paid for, place on the seating plan etc. It's rude as hell to cancel at this short notice unless absolutely necessary.

Thanks for everyone's replies, I just wanted opinions and looks like I probably am being unreasonable by the looks of it! I'll sort it out and still go. It's just me going. DP was supposed to be (cancelled because of surgery) working away so it was only me who accepted the RSVP.

Just as a side note though, I do think we should probably all remember that all pregnancies are different. Those saying I should just suck it up, I will as the intention was never to upset my friend but please be mindful, by the sounds of it, pregnancy can play out very differently in different people!

@Threetrees745 it really isn't a race to the bottom! I am going to go, as despite you saying I can't be bothered, this is far from the truth. It's merely the journey putting me off. As for going to your BIL's wedding and chucking up all day, sorry, but that's just silly and no pregnant woman should be expected to spend all day at an event vomiting. I'm sorry you have family and friends who would expect this from you!!

Thanks to the posters who have suggested split save, I can save a bit of money that way, I had a little google and sounds straightforward. I looked at flying but I have to stop in Spain first🤣 if I wasn't pregnant this would be a winner 😂 thanks everyone.

I'm going to go against all of the MN martyrs who reckon they would cross the himalayas on the back of a donkey at 40 weeks for a night do.

If you're not up to it, you're not up to it. My first pregnancy was amazing throughout and with my second, I felt like death the entire time. So all of the people saying 'well I did this at X weeks' just don't understand not every pregnancy is the same.

Give your friend notice so if she wants to upgrade a night guest to a day guest she can. Offer to pay her for the cost of the meal or give her that as a monetary gift. If she's going to fall out with you over this, then that is her choice. You can't control that. I had people let me down on the day of my wedding. It wasn't ideal, but it was what it was. I'm not going to hold it against them. I asked the hotel to still put out their plates and some people had extra for their meals. So nothing was wasted.

I didn’t feel like doing anything at all when I was pregnant and I was tired all the time although physically it was going well but I pushed myself because everybody was really horrible about it as if I was just being a diva.
I ended up having a breakdown after I had my baby. I had been depressed throughout the pregnancy and mainly experienced it as tiredness and wanting to withdraw from everyone. Dragging myself to my sisters wedding a month before I was due was literally one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
If someone didn’t feel like coming to my wedding in your circumstances, I would be very understanding. I can’t stand the attitude that all pregnant women should just keep going and not complain and do everything they normally do because some can. Everyone is different.

Yes but cancelling a week beforehand is poor form. She could have decided weeks ago and let her friend know when there was still time to invite someone else in her place.

If DP is available, get him to drive. He can stay in the hotel (assume there us a hotel due to distance), then see if he can come to the evening do where numbers can (often be) more flexible.
They might even have a day cancellation, so he can go to the whole thing.

This. And I say that as someone who struggled to drive during the last few weeks of pregnancy. Can you get a train? Or lift share with someone? Is your partner not going?

Could you get a Travelodge and stay over the night before so you have a much shorter journey on the day?

I'm going against the grain here. Sciatica is made worse by long drives and it isn't easy to know how things progress week to week. Just because something was ok last week, doesn't make it ok today.