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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel going to a wedding because I'm pregnant?

272 replies

indiiii · 13/07/2024 09:47

I have a wedding to attend next weekend. For context, I live down south and the wedding is up north. A 5 hour ish drive dependent on traffic. I normally wouldn't have any problem doing this, I have travelled to all my friends weddings (I moved away years ago). But I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and getting really uncomfortable driving to work even never mind that much of a long distance. I accepted the rsvp last year before I even knew I was pregnant, so can't be helped, but I think friends will fall out with me if I don't go... and part of me thinks rightly so as it's wasting their money, I really don't want to let them down. But I just underestimated how tired I'd still be in the 2nd trimester and the drive is crazy. Train is a no go too as so expensive unfortunately.

Help, I feel so bad but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend over it!

OP posts:
Fizzyjuice · 13/07/2024 10:55

CAnnMac · 13/07/2024 10:49

I didn’t feel like doing anything at all when I was pregnant and I was tired all the time although physically it was going well but I pushed myself because everybody was really horrible about it as if I was just being a diva.
I ended up having a breakdown after I had my baby. I had been depressed throughout the pregnancy and mainly experienced it as tiredness and wanting to withdraw from everyone. Dragging myself to my sisters wedding a month before I was due was literally one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
If someone didn’t feel like coming to my wedding in your circumstances, I would be very understanding. I can’t stand the attitude that all pregnant women should just keep going and not complain and do everything they normally do because some can. Everyone is different.

Exactly. I think one of the worst things I had about being pregnant (with both pregnancies) is that I am severely allergic to cats and dogs. I couldn't take any antihistamines. I really struggled to even be around people who had cats and dogs. I couldn't go to a friend's house for a party cos she had a house full of pets. But yet somehow I was being unreasonable. I told her to try sitting there fat as fuck, with your eyes and nose streaming, wheezing and unable to breathe and not even being able to have a glass of wine to cheer yourself up. See how sociable you feel then.

We did drift apart afterwards but still pop up on social media now and then. She has now had four kids and posts about how hard family life is all of the time like she's the only woman to ever have pushed out offspring.

nokidshere · 13/07/2024 10:55

. I was anaemic, diabetic and on my knees but sometimes you just need to get on with it.

And sometimes you don't. It's a wedding not a life threatening emergency. Anyone planning an event will expect some no shows because someone will always be unable to make it, even on the morning of the event.

Floorbard · 13/07/2024 10:56

People saying you’re silly for not going because you’re ’just’ 24 weeks, or that they/their friends traveled when much more pregnant are missing the point. If you don’t feel well enough to go then it doesn’t matter how pregnant you are! With my first pregnancy I’d have found it harder to travel at 20 ish weeks than 30 because I got awful round ligament pain that made me cry daily. Don’t push yourself to drive if you really don’t feel up to it.

Perfect28 · 13/07/2024 10:56

Second trimester is when you are usually feeling your best! You should go. Break up the journey if needs be.

YellowphantGrey · 13/07/2024 10:57

indiiii · 13/07/2024 10:48

Thanks for everyone's replies, I just wanted opinions and looks like I probably am being unreasonable by the looks of it! I'll sort it out and still go. It's just me going. DP was supposed to be (cancelled because of surgery) working away so it was only me who accepted the RSVP.

Just as a side note though, I do think we should probably all remember that all pregnancies are different. Those saying I should just suck it up, I will as the intention was never to upset my friend but please be mindful, by the sounds of it, pregnancy can play out very differently in different people!

@Threetrees745 it really isn't a race to the bottom! I am going to go, as despite you saying I can't be bothered, this is far from the truth. It's merely the journey putting me off. As for going to your BIL's wedding and chucking up all day, sorry, but that's just silly and no pregnant woman should be expected to spend all day at an event vomiting. I'm sorry you have family and friends who would expect this from you!!

Thanks to the posters who have suggested split save, I can save a bit of money that way, I had a little google and sounds straightforward. I looked at flying but I have to stop in Spain first🤣 if I wasn't pregnant this would be a winner 😂 thanks everyone.

Where are you travelling from and to?

Gowlett · 13/07/2024 10:59

Two of my best friends couldn’t make it to my wedding, last minute. One was heavily pregnant, the other had a sick small baby. We’re still best friends. It just depends on what the bride is like…

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/07/2024 11:00

OP could you ask the bride if there's anyone else going your way who you might be able to lift share with, if you're going on your own and driving is becoming difficult?

If one of my friends was getting married and asked if I could find space in my car for a lone pregnant woman who was going my way I'd say of course.

TheSquareMile · 13/07/2024 11:00

Could you go by train the day before and stay over in a Travelodge or similar on the Friday and the Saturday?

If you look on Trainline, you might be able to see some reasonably priced train tickets.

I would try to go.

MrsLeonFarrell · 13/07/2024 11:00

I would get medical advice about the wisdom of doing that long a drive with sciatica. You don't want to aggravate it.

thecatsthecats · 13/07/2024 11:00

I don't think it's relevant that OP is "only" 24 weeks.

At 24 weeks, she seems to have health issues of someone at a more advanced stage. So why not give sympathy, rather than tut about the fact that her pregnancy isn't running to the exact schedule of side effects?

At 24 weeks, I was still in the throes of HG. We skipped the "you've got more energy" stage entirely. I was battered by dehydration at that point.

My pregnancy was kind of ok between 30-35 weeks when others were starting to feel much worse again. Then bloody uncomfortable 35-38 when I gave birth.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 13/07/2024 11:02

24 weeks isn't massively far along, you still have a long time left to get bigger and more exhausted. Not to mention a newborn. This is nothing. The weekend before is far too late to be pulling out unless you're properly sick.

Hobbesmanc · 13/07/2024 11:03

Threetrees745 · 13/07/2024 10:34

Be honest, you just can't really be bothered can you?
You'll still be expected to travel for work at 24 weeks pregnant if you don't have any additional health issues so if being tired won't wash with your employer then it won't wash to your friend and I say that as someone who suffered from hypermesis, sciatica and rib flare throughout pregnancy.

I attended my brother in laws wedding while pregnant and had to keep nipping up to the hotel room to be sick but you just have to do what you have to do otherwise women wouldn't go anywhere or do anything during pregnancy!

Gosh these competitive wedding attendee posts! I'd consider myself a poor friend if one of my guests felt so obliged to attend, that they ignored their own well being. Just because some of you are total people pleasing martyrs doesn't mean everyone has to be.

A ten hour solo round trip is a lot if she's not feeling great. If she's working full time when does she get to recover.

Good friends will totally understand.

Just for those that keeping suggesting the same things

No she can't get a train

No she's the only one down south

No her partner can't drive or go with her.

No she can't fly.

TheSquareMile · 13/07/2024 11:03

@indiiii

Flying is a possibility, too, of course, depending on where you live and where you need to get to.

Where are you travelling from and to?

Namechangedforthis25 · 13/07/2024 11:03

I was bridesmaid at 4 weeks post partum after having a terrible birth - it was awful but I felt obliged as I had promised

im sorry but if you are just a bit tired you just need to go - and I think you will actually enjoy it and have fomo if you don’t go

JeremyFischer · 13/07/2024 11:03

It's a hard YANBU from me.

You and baby always come first. You don't need the additional stress. Pregnancy is no joke and I'd cancel for far less. The late notice issue isn't your fault at all.

Absolute state of the other posters who are encouraging you to put yourself out.

Bearybasket · 13/07/2024 11:04

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to cancel.
I had sciatica with this pregnancy and I couldn’t have safely driven for a journey of that length in that kind of pain. If your sciatica wasn’t caused by pregnancy people wouldn’t be telling you to just suck it up and how far along you are isn’t relevant - I feel better now at 38 weeks than I did at 20

As for the week notice, it’s not ideal but it’s not as if you get given a list of symptoms and when they’re going start at the beginning of the pregnancy.

fullfatsocks · 13/07/2024 11:04

OP nothing to add about the wedding but I saw a chiropractor throughout my pregnancy for sciatic pain (also started around 18 weeks) and it was a life saver! See if you can find someone.

YourWildAmberSloth · 13/07/2024 11:08

If you don't feel well enough, don't go. Pregnancies are individual, just because certain stages are fine for other women, doesn't mean that its the same for everyone. I had pelvic pain which which started at 8 weeks and lasted until a few weeks before I delivered. I also had hyperemesis which again could not have been foreseen. I had friends who grumbled about the drama I was making of being pregnant, but ultimately, I know how I felt. In your shoes I would have given the bride the heads up and would probably have pulled out sooner.

SlebBB · 13/07/2024 11:09

I see the other side of this and however understanding you all think brides will be, I can assure you they are definitely not! Especially not the week before when final numbers/menus have been collated and invoices paid.

Germainesays · 13/07/2024 11:09

I'd cancel. I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago where 8 guests cancelled a couple of days beforehand because of Covid. The bride and groom didn't seem bothered. As it was, someone managed to infect about 30% of those of us who did attend.

If you were my friend and suffering from sciatica (which I've had and live in fear of ever having again) I wouldn't expect you to drive all that way.

Anyone planning a big do does so in the knowledge that some people who've accepted won't be able to attend — particularly when those people accepted the invitation the best part of a year ago.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/07/2024 11:11

I would be less than impossible if I was the bride. Just plan extra stops.

Germainesays · 13/07/2024 11:12

Namechangedforthis25 · 13/07/2024 11:03

I was bridesmaid at 4 weeks post partum after having a terrible birth - it was awful but I felt obliged as I had promised

im sorry but if you are just a bit tired you just need to go - and I think you will actually enjoy it and have fomo if you don’t go

You were a martyr but there's no reason to encourage other women to be martyrs too. Hate this pressure. It's only a wedding, it's not life and death.

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2024 11:14

Pregnancy is such an individual thing. Some sale through it, others have a terrible time. Don’t force yourself to do this OP, if I was your friend I’d understand.

5128gap · 13/07/2024 11:14

Pragmatic answer is tell them you have a sickness bug. They'll be happy you stayed away.

NImumconfused · 13/07/2024 11:15

I'd be quite concerned about setting off on that length of drive alone with sciatica OP. What do you do if the pain gets so bad that you physically can't continue to drive?

I'd only go if you can sort yourself a train ticket or at least a partial lift (eg driving to someone else's house and getting a lift the rest of the way) and if that's not possible I'd expect a good friend to understand.

Women's pain is routinely minimised and ignored by the medical profession already, we don't need to do it to ourselves as well.