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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

463 replies

Cheesygirl · 13/07/2024 08:45

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 15/07/2024 17:16

Where were you living before you moved in with him? Do you want more children?

HoppityBun · 15/07/2024 17:22

Having read through all the posts and seen the OP push back on everything I no longer know what she wants.

Rainwind65 · 15/07/2024 17:32

I think that OP just feels insecure about her relationship, hence needs 'commitment' to be visible in a ring or whatever the form, but largely happy with what she has got. It is OK keeping the status quo and don't want to rock the boat. Just approach it with caution. I think it is quite passive way to deal with the situation, but again, everyone's different. Maybe she doesn't feel secure about leading the convo about concrete plan of wedding. Personally I can't just not discuss this big elephant in the room for the next 2 years...

DanielGault · 15/07/2024 17:36

Rainwind65 · 15/07/2024 17:32

I think that OP just feels insecure about her relationship, hence needs 'commitment' to be visible in a ring or whatever the form, but largely happy with what she has got. It is OK keeping the status quo and don't want to rock the boat. Just approach it with caution. I think it is quite passive way to deal with the situation, but again, everyone's different. Maybe she doesn't feel secure about leading the convo about concrete plan of wedding. Personally I can't just not discuss this big elephant in the room for the next 2 years...

I think you're right. I also think she'll be back here in a couple of years giving out that he's shacked up with a younger model. I'm not trying to be mean, but she needs to find a bit of ownership over her own life here.

laraitopbanana · 15/07/2024 18:28

Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 10:10

Legally we are entitled to a lump sum thru his life insurance. I dont need money from him for myself in the event we split up. I want him to co parent and contribute to his child expenses though. That's the only thing I would need him to do. He said though he wants to give me that legal commitment even though I'm not fussed so much about marriage. But ye before that it has to be the ring.

I'll agree it does seem off that he didnt marry her in 11 yrs. I dont know why he stayed so long but I'm doing everything in my power to not replicate the same situation. I dont know if she gave him an ultimatum or what.

hear ya, you don’t need his financial support.
So if his commitment is enough as it is… I wouldn’t rock the boat just to rock the boat. Also if his timeline is too blur, I would actually give him yours. Then you stay strong in what you need of him and he will feel you are not after anything he « has ». No uktimatum, just a « I would want to have a ring before…. » something completely unrelated to him so « I turn 40 », « my little girl can see I don’t have a ring »…something alongside that…

Also…Life insurance beneficiaries can be changed very easily op. You need actual account in your daughter name that she will have at 18. Until you are married, that is safer to protect her interest. You don’t need to change something for you I believe.

Thursdaygirl · 15/07/2024 19:14

He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.

This bit worries me, and maybe that’s why the OP is feeling a bit twitchy? He’s not offering engagement (or any sort of ring) even though that’s simple to get out of, or a cohabitation agreement (presumably easier to get out of than marriage), so I can understand why his vague talk of marriage in 4years time sounds a bit hollow.

In your shoes OP, I would be suggesting you plan a small wedding to take place before Christmas. His reaction will answer all your questions. Otherwise you’re going to be uneasy for the next few years,and possibly beyond.

Tv23456 · 15/07/2024 21:15

Kindly meant OP, but if you go ahead and have a second child with him without being married I would then doubt it would happen at all.
If you feel foolish you can only blame yourself.
Having a second baby having forced a ring from him .....that ultimately means diddly squat, will indicate you have really been "mugged off", disrespected and thrown crumbs to shut you up.
You will have deserved much better but will have accepted so very little.

Thursdaygirl · 15/07/2024 21:26

Kindly meant OP, but if you go ahead and have a second child with him without being married I would then doubt it would happen at all.

I agree

oakleaffy · 15/07/2024 22:00

Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 10:10

Legally we are entitled to a lump sum thru his life insurance. I dont need money from him for myself in the event we split up. I want him to co parent and contribute to his child expenses though. That's the only thing I would need him to do. He said though he wants to give me that legal commitment even though I'm not fussed so much about marriage. But ye before that it has to be the ring.

I'll agree it does seem off that he didnt marry her in 11 yrs. I dont know why he stayed so long but I'm doing everything in my power to not replicate the same situation. I dont know if she gave him an ultimatum or what.

I thought OP
was far younger
23 or something
37 with a man of 41?!

He’s not wanting to marry at this late stage.

Haribo???
He’s a man child!

edit
Sounds like a tick tock time running out grab at first ok ish man, get pregnant and hope he marries.

NEVER do this!

Marriage first.

lalalapland · 16/07/2024 13:17

Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 10:10

Legally we are entitled to a lump sum thru his life insurance. I dont need money from him for myself in the event we split up. I want him to co parent and contribute to his child expenses though. That's the only thing I would need him to do. He said though he wants to give me that legal commitment even though I'm not fussed so much about marriage. But ye before that it has to be the ring.

I'll agree it does seem off that he didnt marry her in 11 yrs. I dont know why he stayed so long but I'm doing everything in my power to not replicate the same situation. I dont know if she gave him an ultimatum or what.

I'm honestly confused about this thread now. So you just want the ring but you're not so fussed about marriage?

Your child is a far greater symbol of commitment than a piece of jewellery. Is there a reason that you want a ring in particular? Is it to demonstrate to other people that you're engaged? Can I ask what you have done for him to show commitment? (excluding your child which seems to not count as a commitment in your opinion)

It's not as if you've been together 5-10 years, it's only been 1.5 years, and during that time you've had a child. I think you need to realise that your relationship isn't only about your wants, there are 2 of you each with your own opinions and needs.

pikkumyy77 · 16/07/2024 15:40

pollymere · 15/07/2024 11:41

The whole haribo thing suggests he knows you could get engaged with a cheap ring but he's being cagey. I think it may be that he's saving up to buy a decent ring. The looking at gemstones thing and the ring catalogues sound like too much of a coincidence. Don't push.

You can either take the step to sit down and discuss marriage in a year's time or wait and see. If he's intimating a date 2 and a half years in the future with perhaps a year and a half to plan that suggests he's not planning to propose for a year!

Ugh.

2chocolateoranges · 16/07/2024 18:05

Needmorelego · 15/07/2024 12:36

@2chocolateoranges the OP is the obsessing about a ring though.
What's that got to do with "man hating" ?

If you read the full thread you will see that people are saying “he’s just stringing you along” , “ he’s a shit partner”, he’s an arsehole for not committing” and “ men like this never commit”

Needmorelego · 16/07/2024 19:11

@2chocolateoranges I've read the full thread.
I can't figure out if the guy is stringing her along or not. He might be. He might not .
But I can't quite figure out exactly what she wants either.
It's all this whole thing about a "proposal" and how she thinks he "might" propose in 18 months time yet he has already said he "wants to marry her". Surely that means they're engaged. What's this mythical proposal for?
She seems to have it as ring = officially engaged.
If she wants a ring that badly and they have a joint bank account why can she just go and buy it?
I still don't know what my comment (about buying a ring herself) had to do with man hating?

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