To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

[Cheesygirl]

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

By not being upfront and demand what you want. Him making haribo jokes and you hinting maybe this or whatever pointed towards a much younger couple. What you want is something extremely reasonable and you shouldn't feel embarrassed. Have a proper conversation. Good luck.

Legally we are entitled to a lump sum thru his life insurance. I dont need money from him for myself in the event we split up. I want him to co parent and contribute to his child expenses though. That's the only thing I would need him to do. He said though he wants to give me that legal commitment even though I'm not fussed so much about marriage. But ye before that it has to be the ring.

I'll agree it does seem off that he didnt marry her in 11 yrs. I dont know why he stayed so long but I'm doing everything in my power to not replicate the same situation. I dont know if she gave him an ultimatum or what.

He apologised about this joke

Are you this submissive with other people in your life if you don't mind me asking? You seem to take everything he says at face value. Do you interrogate people's motivations at all?

This is a relationship that might not have survived if you hadn't got pregnant after only 3 months.

Maybe he'd have married his ex if she'd done similar so quickly

I think the truth is, op, you are submissive with him because you are scared of being forceful. Your thread title says you have a niggling feeling he won’t propose and I think that feeling is justified in the circumstances. I think you are scared of torching him off full stop - and I think you sense there is a risk of that so you tread delicately with talk of just a ring etc.

But this really isn’t about a ring. My friend used to have a jewellery shop that sold antique and high end second hand jewellery. He had to turn away the vast majority of the near new rings from broken engagements that came in looking for onward sale: it happens all the time.

The elephant in the room is why. 🐘 Why four years or even a couple of years? The flower girl thing is silly. Men couldn’t care less about a flower girl and she probably won’t even do it. She’ll get stage fright or demand to be carried by the bride or be scared of the officiant, or want to sit on grandma’s lap because she keeps Moams in her handbag. It’s sweet when it works, but you don’t build something as important as a wedding around the performance of a small child. The “never work with children or animals” advice is cliched for a reason. In any case, I think it’s far better for a child on the whole NOT to remember their parents wedding day. It’s nice to feel you came into something that’s as old and solid as the hills. So move past the flower girl bit. Tell him you don’t want a flower girl 🤷🏻‍♀️ to just get that red herring off the table. It’s reasonable to ask what the reason for the delay is.

The beneficiaries of a life insurance policy can be changed in under 5 mins. You have no legal entitlement whatsoever.

if you have already discussed marriage, and both agreed that you want to, why aren't you formally asking him to marry you? You need to either discuss and tell him that as you've both agreed you want to get married, either he needs to ask you, or you will ask him, as you want it formalised.

You already live together, have a daughter, share finances, share care, have life insurance, do 50/50, and everyone knows you are a couple - other than engagement and marriage, there isn't anything more formal - so ASK HIM.

@usernamealreadytaken the OP seems to be obsessed that a ring will "acknowledge" and "make it official" that they're engaged.
Except a ring is literally just a piece of jewellery.

A child, cohabitation and joint finances are all far more a symbol of commitment than a ring. A ring is very, very easy to walk away from, the others, not so much.

The whole haribo thing suggests he knows you could get engaged with a cheap ring but he's being cagey. I think it may be that he's saving up to buy a decent ring. The looking at gemstones thing and the ring catalogues sound like too much of a coincidence. Don't push.

You can either take the step to sit down and discuss marriage in a year's time or wait and see. If he's intimating a date 2 and a half years in the future with perhaps a year and a half to plan that suggests he's not planning to propose for a year!

@pollymere but if he has said he "wants to marry her" (as the OP says he has) how is that not a proposal already?

Actually a ring would mean something and yes I do like rings etc. It's more the acknowledgement I like not so much the legal protections etc

This is absolutely bonkers. A ring has no meaning at all and he doesn't even want to give you that at this point. You sound very insecure with the ring fixation. The legal protections are so much more important.

I had similar. We'd agreed to get married - and actually chosen a ring together. But he actually got all formal and went down on one knee having arranged a romantic picnic in Kew Gardens.

OP I'm shocked you're older than early 20s, you sound incredibly naive. This man won't marry you. He doesn't want to. He will string you along until you get fed up.

If you want marriage (and you should, for legal protection if nothing else) then put your foot down and tell him it needs to be booked.

You honestly sound so wet and, I'm sorry to say, stupid.

@pollymere but before he did that formal thing did you consider yourselves engaged? Did you call him your fiancee?
To me the moment you have agreed to get married = you're engaged.

Please don’t do that!

the more I read on this site the more I realise it’s such a man hating place to be. Not all guys are arseholes!

My DS has told his partner he won't marry but he's committed, joint mortgage, joint bank accounts, life insurance to her, so as good as married. Trust that he loves you and it will happen. Good luck

@2chocolateoranges the OP is the obsessing about a ring though.
What's that got to do with "man hating" ?

At his age, perhaps he just wanted a child and abortion would have been unpalatable for that reason?

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I suspect you need to admit to yourself that you do actually want the legal protection of marriage - downgrading to a 'promise ring' is obviously even more worthless than an engagement that may or may not go ahead (as he has already proven). Ditto any insurance policies - beneficiaries can easily be changed.

Things have happened in an incredible and inadvisable rush. Let the man settle for six months, then have an adult conversation about why the legal protections of marriage are important.

What @Calliopespa and @DanielGault said. I am saying this with kindness but please be more assertive.

Maybe it has no meaning to you and that is ok. Tbh I don't know. Many people are drawing non substantial conclusions really that he doesn't want me and wouldn't stay if I wasn't pregnant while i have been very independent all along an told him we shouldn't do that for the baby only. He chose to do this with me. Also people saying im submissive I'm asserting what i want.

Yes he is my partner and I have to take what he says face value and trust him. He had bo reason to react how he did and I questioned that. As far as I know the beneficiaries won't change as its what he wanted to do off his own accord i didn't ask for insurance.

I'm just having a bit of doubt at the moment but I'll wait as I say 1-2 years to bring this issue up again if I need to.

You don't have to take what he says at face value. You need to look at what he does. Which so far is knock you up and refuse to discuss marriage in any meaningful way. You're being extremely passive and tbh this waiting business seems quite ridiculous when you're expecting a baby. What exactly is he waiting for/ afraid of?

@Cheesygirl but why can't you just say to him "Look...we don't need an official engagement or a ring. Lets just get the licence and do it now and make us legal. I really want to be married to you".
Or you could do a fancy proposal to him....