To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

[Cheesygirl]

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

Then have a very clear conversation with him.

“When do you see us getting engaged, and when would you like to be married? 6 months, a year?”.

or

”I’d like to be married by X date. Can we please discuss this?”

If he deflects, he’s probably never going to marry. And you either accept that, if he’s a great partner in every other way, and make sure you protect yourself (keep working, have your own savings, pension and income, both named as tenants in common or joint tenants on the mortgage) or you don’t accept it and you leave him.

I think he's swerving the situation and I can understand why you are posting. It's not so much that he hadn't done a big proposal, it's that you feel marriage isn't going to happen, and you are Miss Right Now, not Miss Right.
to quote other mumsnetters if he wanted to marry you , you'd know.
are you in the deeds to the house?

This. You need a proper, clear discussion

My dh used to be like this, he just wasn’t ready to get engaged. He would talk about some far off future wedding and whenever we went to weddings he would say what he liked or didn’t like for ours ‘some day’.
I would look at engagement rings and asked him what he thought but he would say the same that he didn’t want to buy anything ‘cheap’.
I eventually spoke to him about wanting to know where our life was leading and he did say he wanted to get married and to settle down with me but he wasn’t ready yet and needed a bit more time. Not to be single and run around but to get himself ready financially and emotionally.
We have now been married for 5 years and have 2 children.

I think you need to speak openly with him and ask what he’s wanting. Explain you’re not demanding an engagement now but want to know if it’s on the cards for you two as getting married is important to you.

asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.

What would this give you and why didn’t he want it? Are you 50/50 on the mortgage? Are you both working full time/earning similar amounts?

You’r right to be worried. Tell him you want a registry wedding now, and when baby is 3/4, he can have his aisle wedding.

I'm just going to repeat pp: sit down and have a conversation like adults. Discuss when you're getting married and start to plan it.
This seems so regressive - why is it the decision of the man? Why are you waiting for him to make a choice about your future?
Why all the silly conversations about Haribo? You needed to say "I don't want a Haribo ring, I would like an aquamarine engagement ring, and for us to plan a wedding".

Have you asked him to marry you? We're in 2024, so no reason you can't propose to him.

This isn’t going to be what you want to hear but from a different perspective I felt stressed and pressured just reading your original post with the way you kept on hinting about rings. It would have made me back off too.

It sounds like you want the grand engagement gesture and are pinning everything on that, his vision relates to the wedding. The engagement for him is neither here nor there, as others have said, if you’ve had the conversation about getting married there is no need for an engagement for some people.

Just tell him you don’t want a ring or a grand proposal. You just want to get married. You can do this cheaply at a registry office. If he wants a big wedding say you will do that in a few years time when you’ve saved up and you can have a big wedding party then, but you want to be legally married now.

Could he be avoiding the conversation because he plans to propose but doesn't want you to suspect?
Like maybe he has mentally clocked aquamarine and the Haribo comment is deflection to put you off?
Maybe back off, don't force an engagement because you won't be happy with that either, and see how things pan out. You've not been together that long, there is no real rush after all.

They have a child together. It's not a "rush".

It doesn't sound like he's ready for marrige.
You haven't been together that long.

As above if it doesn't come what are you going to do? Break up?

You were complacent in the order your relationship progressed. You've got the baby and the house so there's no incentive now.

Just nurture your relationship and stay independent.

If he ever mentions another baby then you've got something to work with.

No other babies until after marrige.
Just don't let your brooodiness let that down.

It can still be rushed if the relationship isn't that old.

Separating with a baby isn't nearly as difficult as a divorce. It's wise to not rush into anything

Yes, but my point is that discussing a marriage isn't a rush when you have a child.

Maybe you should mature first and wait till you realise marriage is not a proposal and wedding, and this is a suggestion

Work out what is important first

A grown woman doesn't google up pictures of rings and sit pouring over them in a pub hoping DP will notice them and start a conversation about engagement.

A grown woman very clearly sets down her expectations and boundaries and asks outright questions to things she really needs an answer to.

Of course he loves you! Everything he does shows that. He sounds like a very loving and caring partner.

The question is not whether he loves you, but whether he does really want to marry you. Many men who really love their partners stay in committed relationships with children and without marrying and that is an option. But, it’s not at all sensible to not marry if you have a child together and that together with the fact that you do really want to marry means it’s understandable that you are concerned about it. But, sorry to repeat myself, but this is not an issue as to whether he loves you or not, it’s about whether (or when) he wants to marry.

He has said he wants to marry you. You have been together for a short time. You are saving for a house and I guess you will have the expense of childcare soon. Now is not actually the best time to marry. Leave it for a bit and then have a clear headed and sensible discussion about it. Yes, it’s important for you to marry but it’s too early to feel doom laden about it.

In my opinion, you haven’t been together long enough to get married. Even though you had an accidental pregnancy. Sure there’ll be all the posters that married after 6 months and are blissfully happy 30 years on… but as a general rule: you haven’t been together long enough.

I would respect you telling me that you wanted to get married, I’d be really irritated by you staring hard at gemstones in a museum.

What was your point about a cohabitation agreement? What did you think that was going to give you?

How long have you been together?

He doesn’t sound keen I’m afraid, but unfortunately he now holds most of the cards re marriage.

I know this isn’t helpful to you now OP but for others reading I cannot stress enough, if you want marriage then do not have a child before getting married. I was very careful with contraception before I married DH and was very clear if I got pregnant by mistake I was expecting marriage before the baby was born or I’d terminate, and I meant it.

I would say to him “Now we are a child and are essentially a family I would really like to be married to cement that, it’s really important to be so how about we make plans for April-25 and start getting things booked?”

If he starts back about wanting your child to be 3 or 4 say “it’s more important for me to be your wife and be a proper family and I’d like that to be soon”.

His response will tell you everything you need to know, I suppose the real question is are you willing to leave him if he actually doesn’t want to marry you?

Why do you want to be engaged?

This is a serious question. What does "being engaged" give you? - apart from a pretty piece of jewellery and some attention from your friends.

You say you're not actually that bothered about being married, which is the bit that actually has legal weight, so why is it so important that you have a tangible symbol of the suggestion?

(and to the poster saying "lol" - us oldies can remember when an engagement was still "engaged to be married" and over a year was considered a long one)

If he did get down on one knee and present you with an aquamarine ring, he wouldn't be any more committed than he is now. Even if you signed a "cohabitation agreement".

If you'd like to be married, tell him this and that you want to make concrete plans. (But be prepared for him to declare that his love isn't reliant on a piece of paper...) If you don't care about marriage, then shut up about it and buy yourself a pretty ring for your little finger.

Which they have.
For the le gth of their relationship he has said marrige will be around 3/4 years away.

Sounds like OP wants to beat a dead horse.

How old are you OP; this haribo nonsense is very childish.
Tell him you want to be married, agree on a date and book the registry office, it doesn’t have to be a grand affair with bridesmaids etc

And don’t have any more children with him until you are married.

Sorry I just don’t agree with this. In every single couple I know where the man truly loves the woman and thinks she’s the “best” he’s been keen and willing to marry her.

The ones in “committed” relationships have often had one foot out the door, think they can do better, some cheated 🤢 and several have left to then go on to marry the next girlfriend quickly.