To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

[Cheesygirl]

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

@Cheesygirl Almost always, if a man wants to marry a woman then he will marry her.
Dress it up any which way you like but that has been the case since the dawn of time.
Don't hang around being treated in this disrespectful way-he knows how you feel and he is holding himself off as if he is a prize.
One day, he will fall in love with someone, someone he can't bear to think of living without and you'll be standing there watching him get married with maybe your daughter as a bridesmaid!
The one thing you do know is that he doesn't feel like that about you.
Put your begging bowl to one side, tell him to thread any ring through the end of his prick and pack his bag. Some might say that might make him reassess his view towards you and indeed it might but do you want someone who has to be begged and bullied into it.
Reassess your view of him. He's not worth much and he doesn't think you're worth much either. Find someone who loves you.

OP, in your latest posts, you say you're happy as you are, but everything else you say screams otherwise

Please don't be one of the many, many women on here who live like a married woman with the protection that entails when you eg give up work, become primary carer for DD, contribute to his mortgage etc, only to discover you have ZERO rights when the relationship ends

You are single and you need to manage your finances accordingly

I'm independent financially and I am not giving up work or anything. As for his feelings about me he says every day he loves me and can't live without me. So we will see I think

For the mortgage we are saving up to buy so when we do it's gonna be us both on the mortgage and the deed

Holy shit? 41? I am really shocked. Because at 41 you KNOW whether you are the marrying kind or not. Maybe you’ve been waiting fir “the one” or you experience yourself as a confirmed bachelor but you know, deep down.

And you know, or ought to know, how reassuring marriage would be to your pregnant gf and child. Marriage says “I plan for our joint future.”

You have made your desires pretty ckear. He knows how anxious you are. I really see the “wait four years” as some kind of topic secret probation.

I too badly misjudged your ages, OP. I thought you were both young (mid-late 20s or thereabouts). I was shocked when you said you were 37 and 41.

I'm very sad reading your posts because you would marry tomorrow, in a heartbeat if your 'partner' would. He won't, he's waiting for some sort of ideal condition (in his head) and that might never ever appear.

Even now, you're going to a wedding and will 'see how he feels'. Why the hell is it all about him? He's done a number on you, bound you to him with future-faking and pie-crust 'promises' that don't mean a thing.

You say that you're secure in your own right, financially. I really hope that is true, for yours and for your daughter's sake because whatever he says, what he does is what's important.

For someone who says he loves you, he cloaks that very well. I don't give a fig what HIS parents think of you, what do YOUR parents think of him and your situation?

Forget his words-they are cheap-and look at his actions.

He says that every day.

It doesn't matter what he says, it matters what he does.

Well OP, if you're so secure in your relationship, why would you have niggling feelings at all and why would you think of posting this thread for opinions? You have an argument ready for every cautionary post.

I think you could be deluding yourself but that you should crack on regardless because you seem 'happy' there.

I hope it all works out for you, I wish you well. I'm leaving it there now.

So you're okay with a 5 year gap between siblings, OP? If indeed you can conceive at 41. Your partner will with 46 by then, and which means at best, if you conceive right after the wedding, he'll be 64 by the time your second child hits 18. And probably older given you'll likely need fertility assistance once you're past 40. I honestly don't understand why you're fine with this.

Of course he says he loves you every day and of course, he says he can't live without you.
And yet, and yet... this man knows you want to be married-not unreasonable given that you have his child-and won't do it.
He knows it is what you want, there is no legal or moral impediment so why won't he do it?
The only answer is he doesn't want to and he doesn't have to be worry that you will say "sod this. I'm off" because he knows you won't and maybe he doesn't care if he did.
Tell you he loves you, tells you he can't live without you-he's laughing into his socks at you swallowing this bullshit.
This may seem harsh but there are harsher times coming your way if you don't mature, and get a grip.

Words are cheap, OP.

If you said, "I'm not waiting around 4 years for you to marry me, so shit or get off the pot", what would he do?

Thank god that we are not in the 19c when women had to wait for men to make all the decisions.
Tell him. “Ring on finger or I won’t linger.”
😉

He said that if I was to leave him he would be devastated

@Cheesygirl
At best that's insincere and, at worst, it's untrue.
Leave him. Witness this devastation.

You are treating yourself like a tin of beans-he knows it will always be there on the shelf-he doesn't have to make a special trip to Harrods to get it-it's something commonplace.
Start treating yourself like a once in a lifetime offer-he acts now or you're off-be the limited edition watch not the tin of beans.

You are coming across as very gullible and I imagine he knows this.

He will be leaving you at some point when he meets someone who won't let him swing out of her for a couple of kind words so you may as well bite the bullet and leave now.

I fear for your heart and self-esteem.

I think the main reason you come across as much younger than 37, OP, is because you seem hopelessly naive. There is a huge difference between what men say and what they really think or want to do. So many men 'manage' the women in their lives, and will say whatever it takes to keep them in line with what they want. I really do think you need to wake up to the fact that his actions do not align with his words.

But: not devastated enough to move up his invisible time line?

I can’t respect this level of performative passion without action.

Today’s guardian has an interesting article about mismatched but fated couples: closeted gay men, a religious divide, a couple where she is 22years older, and a lovely couple where the woman is 6,3 and the msn 5 foot 8.

The significant thing about the last couple is that they had only been together five months when she got pregnant. He knew he wanted to be with her and the baby. I don’t know whether he tells her every day—Im pretty sure he does—but he scrambled together 50 pounds and opened a savings account for the baby before she was born. He knew that this was a commitment and he wanted to make it and he acted as well as he could to show her his commitment and love. And that is what is still true in the relationship—he looks at what she needs and wants and supports her in getting it.

It doesn’t matter that you need the engagement and he can’t be bothered. The fact that you need it should be enough for him.

Well there's only one way to find out, isn't there?

OP, just tell him that all that nonsense / deflecting yesterday has annoyed you and is making you question the type of man he is.

Ask him whether he is scared or anxious for some reason about proposing to you. If so why? If he says no, then tell him you can only assume he doesn’t want to then.

If he talks about getting married down the line, well ok, but there is no reason he can’t get you an aquamarine engagement ring now and propose, is there? Nothing stopping him whatsoever. It wouid make you happy and he knows this. So he can get on with it - easy.

If he’s dithering about commitment, he needs to man up and get over it because that ship has sailed when your daughter was born.

I would tell him in an honest, non-confrontational way that you find his dithering and silly waffle about Haribo to be a turn-off. Tell him you are letting him know that the ball is in his court now. Tell him he should know you well enough now, as the mother of his child, to recognise that being proposed to is something you would like. So what is stopping him? Tell him to grow up and act like the man you deserve. Be honest with him that talk of Haribo makes him sound like a teenager and this is not sn attractive quality, by any measure. Nothing to stop him going to the jewellers and putting some effort in for you at this time of life. It’s not hard. Good luck with this.

Please think hard about the issue of any more children OP. Time isn't really on your side if you do want another and you can't afford for this man to mess you around for years. Good luck anyway and I hope you get everything you want.

I said all this today and he apologised for the haribo joke. He said he is serious with me and he is very committed as he shows me every day. I mean he has the choice to walk away if he wants. We don't know each other a long time we can start over with other people. So I asked him to be very honest and he insists this is what he wants

Don’t suggest the ring. The ring doesn’t cut it imo.

All any of us posters care about is you protecting yourself.
We have daughters.
Protect yourself pet...that's all.
No more, no less.

Thanks I appreciate I'll definitely protect myself