Boyfriend's DD custody arrangement/pet. Too much drama ahead?

[citythatneversleeps]

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who is 14. She's got a few 'temper issues' shall we say. Her school has complained about her angst - and about her lashing out at her friends etc... (won't go into more details). The BM is very much the same in terms of temperament.

I was wary of dating someone with a kid/kids as I'm childfree and the dynamic is, of course, totally different. I had ended things once before as it was just very complex. To be clear, I'm not a 'kid-hater' or anything like that. I just don't have any of my own - and frankly - on the fence.

However, he has a tendency to be a 'Disney Dad' because he was the one who left the marriage. No, he didn't cheat. (No one did). No, I'm not the 'other woman' before anyone asks/assumes...

He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50. He told me as of next month (as in two weeks) time, the arrangement will be formal - 3 nights overnights - and that he hopes she'll move in full-time with him - in a year or so. He is concerned about her behaviour and feels that she will be happier with him. Obviously this full-time moving in plan is all (his) speculation/hopes, but the other stuff (3x overnights) is cemented. He didn't even tell me that any of this was going on in the background until the overnights were cemented. He came in all happy whilst telling me, so I didn't even have a chance to process it all.

He's also promised her a pet as a way to lift her spirits/ease her angst as well as pretty much anything else she wants.

I'm obviously happy for him given this latest 'living arrangement' development. This is great for them and it goes without saying, that I hope they work through all the angst/issues together. She is already in therapy 2x week.

The thing is, he and I had plans to move in together. Yes, plans can change and it's not the end of the world if that were to be the case, but he didn't even mention how that would work....? We spoke today and he said we could find a bigger place together - which of course, would be far more expensive - and since we are both buying together, I'd have to spend far more than I anticipated. Or that we could move in together once she's at University...?! But that's in 3 years time...?!

I don't see my relationship with him working as a result. The entire dynamic would change and the girl is quite violent at times.

On the pet side... I have an old rescue dog and one of the times she lashed out a year ago, she stamped on a dog's tail (not my dog's tail, to be clear!) If he gets her a dog/cat, I'm worried about any poor animal in that house.

AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this? All I see is drama ahead - and I'm beyond annoyed that (whilst I have no 'right' to be involved in their family arrangements) it changes my plans, changes things for me financially, changes my relationship - and more... He has a tendency to act first and think second - and this is a big deal for me, but doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. He thinks I should 'look on the bright side' etc...

I know that when you are seeing someone with a kid/kids - anything could happen - and life could change. A parent could pass away, for example... so in some ways I should have seen this coming. Thankfully, we are not living together, don't have any joint finances etc... so an easy exit would be on the cards.

I would never want to get between a father and a child. The needs of the child should come first. Obviously. But I do also want to be able to live a life somewhat similar to what I had envisioned too. This wouldn't be it. Whilst I don't have a kid, I wouldn't put my rescue dog in an environment where he could be on the receiving end of any poor treatment.

Sorry for the long post.

I agree with all this, he expected OP to subsidise the new lifestyle that she doesn't want or need. Only a matter of time before she was expected to step into the parenting role too, especially as he expected DD to decide to move in with them full time in the future. Personally I think he's feeling guilty about leaving his DD rather than feeling love for her, but this is pushing him into completely irrational bribery at the OP's expense.
My DD is a single parent with two DC and until recently had a divorced BF with children who always put his DC first. Fine, nothing wrong with that, but he expected my DD to put him and his DC before her own DC. Fathers who feel guilty about leaving their children don't make good partners.

Him stepping up to be with his daughter is a green flag. His daughter might be difficult, but she’s a child/young teen and has been through the trauma of her parents splitting.
I don’t think you are being that understanding towards the daughter, and so I also think you are doing the right thing by walking away. You’re wanting different things, and that’s ok. You’re right to feel annoyed/hurt/put out that he didn’t discuss any of this with you… but if he’s a decent father then he is also right for doing what he feels is best by his daughter. At the end of the day, your opinion about whether she moves in etc really isn’t a deciding factor in all of this (or at least shouldn’t be). His message is clear - accept it or don’t, but it’s happening anyway. And it sounds like you have made your mind up not to accept this for your own life.
Neither of you are in the wrong.

Yes. Walk away, potentially quite fast.

That’s all well and good, but he’s expecting OP to fund it. That isn’t merely a red flag, that’s an entire communist parade.

Oh, and not to mention being happy to put more animals in the path of someone that’s demonstrated cruelty towards them.

Oh I agree they definitely shouldn’t get a pet.

But he also said they could move in together after the daughter goes off to uni. So I don’t think he’s necessarily expecting OP to fund a new lavish lifestyle. More that he maybe he’s a bit clueless and has his head in the clouds and the big house etc is hypothetical until reality bites. I don’t know him though, he could just be an arse.

Either way, it sounds like even if OP wasn’t contributing anything, she’s just not up for having any committed involvement with someone else’s kid. And there’s nothing at all wrong with that - she is doing the right thing in walking away if that’s the case.

I second this.

The crunch bit for me would be all the plans and promises he's thought about and about to implement with his daughter without any discussion with you at all. It's been presented as a fait accompli. Of course he should support his DD through difficulties but he's in an adult relationship with you.

Or he was ...

It’s funny I’m not and never been a stepparent but reading all this I recognised a touch of this man’s mindset in a former friend of mine. For context, I was a childhood best friend so I’m like an “aunty” to her kids, but over several years every single time we met up she’d mention how expensive kids were and how she never bought anything for herself, and how lucky I was I didn’t have that expense of kids .

So I’d foolishly pay for all our dinner, & coffee meet ups and pay for her kids too if they were there. I also paid other things directly for her kids eg. School activities and chipped in for birthday presents.

I eventually got sick of it when I realised someone who could afford to buy her tweens smartphones, could actually afford to shout me a coffee once or twice in return or at least pay for her own! but the truth was she just chose not to . She also chose to only work part time while I worked full time even when her kids didn’t require childcare anymore.

Yes I was a complete mug 😂 But anyway the point is if having kids stops you from buying something, or living a certain lifestyle you just go without - you don’t expect your partner or family friend or whatever to compensate you for doing the basics which is financially supporting your kids.

If he wants more for his daughter - great, he should look into getting extra work the days his daughter isn’t there or finding a higher paid job somehow.

I’ve found sometimes people with kids see themselves as entitled to your money if you don’t have any. It’s weird and not even exclusively confined to romantic relationships. I remember a widow posting about how her siblings and partner who had kids were grabby about her money.

@Cremeroulety Wow, what a CF your friend was.

I also have an old friend who’s like an auntie to my children. I always treat her when we do things together, because I’m so grateful for her involvement with my children, she makes a big effort with them. Far more than their actual aunties and uncles. 😂

Do not move in with him under any circumstances. If you can happily continue in the relationship while living apart then that might be the answer but it might just be time to walk away.

She really was 😅😂

Despite some of my experiences, I still do believe it’s so important to make an effort with your friend’s kids - lovely that you appreciate your old friends time and effort in return.

Most of my friends with kids are great tbf. That CF friend was one of the few exceptions. I wasn’t raised in the healthiest environment (and nor was she) so I think I kind of attracted users when I was younger and they clung on through adulthood, until I did some work on myself and realised it was time for the one sided friendships to end!

He’s not ‘stepping up’ at all though, he’s promising his DD a bigger house in a nicer area funded by OP without even consulting with her first - massive red flag.

Plenty of kids parents separate and they don’t become violent angry teenagers that abuse an innocent animal - and he wants to buy her a pet! Again red flag, he sounds like an idiot who thinks his DD will behave if he buys her xyz…when the reality is it will make her more of an entitled brat.

Its great than she’s having therapy, he needs to step up in the sense of actually parenting her - supporting her through therapy, enforcing boundaries and keeping her away from animals.

OP I just wish my head had been screwed on as sensibly as yours in the past. Best of luck for the future.

Hi all. Thanks for all your responses. We spoke for the first time in a few days after I ended things. He did indeed get her a pet... and now that pet is going back apparently!! Clearly something went down - something that wasn't good (which he alluded to). I didn't ask too many questions because I, frankly, didn't want to know. I have a dog and the thought of an innocent animal being harmed kills me.

He was ok about things on the whole, but I suspect he's hoping I'll change my mind. He said he was 'going back to the drawing board' - which makes me think he needs a 'Plan B'. Charming.

He was also whispering down the phone as his daughter had had a 'total meltdown' and was 'lashing out'. I do feel bad for him, but I'm also so glad I got the hell out of that situation.

I feel less stressed, cornered and pressured. In a weird way, his stresses became my stresses by default - and as someone who is childfree, it's a huge relief to just not have 'that' in my life - by choice.

I don't dislike him or wish him any ill, obviously - but the idea of being 'trapped' in a bad situation - at a large financial cost to me, taking on someone's hugely troubled teenager - not for me.

You dodged a bullet OP. I'm glad for you 😊

Sounds like it’s going to be a difficult couple of years for them. You are well out of it.

Thanks for the update op. I'm so glad that you didn't sleepwalk into a negative situation , and in a way his leaving you in the dark about his recent big decision (that would impact you too) has done you a massive favour. You have every right to live your life , and spend your own money , on your terms.

Well done, well handled. You were plan A and as you say, it's not for you.

You have done what so many other women would have wished they had done, chosen themselves.

I too am pleased that you updated us OP. Sounds like you definitely made the right decision. I hope that if it's what you want, you find a new person to share your life with, and that they are a better fit. Good luck in the future.

Well done. You chose your own wellbeing, which so many women bury, minimise, abandon for other people's demands, wants and needs. And kept your own pet's safety, too.

Poor kid obviously needs a LOT of professional expertise for whatever it is she has going on.

But the poor poor pet. What must she have done - and what would she have been going to do if he hadn't finally done the sensible thing there.

Lashing out and melting down to the extent that he has to whisper??

It's sad - but you'd have become a minor character in this drama.

You're well out of it.

Well done. Good decision. Looks like he’d factored you into his plans (ie caring for dd) without consulting you first, and now it’s backfiring. Reality is hitting home for him.

Brilliant decision! Keep enjoying your childfree life unless and until YOU decide to have kids, you’re so right - someone else’s teen isn’t your stress to carry.

You’re actually fortunate in a way that this child was exhibiting her challenging behaviour from the outset. Some people are happy to blend households with men that have seemingly angelic kids and then suddenly the child goes through a bad patch and all hell breaks loose and they’re stuck in a situation you didn’t see coming. Kids are very unpredictable. It’s one thing to manage challenging behaviour as a parent who has unconditional love for their child, but another thing to put up with from someone’s else.

I don't dislike him or wish him any ill, obviously - but the idea of being 'trapped' in a bad situation - at a large financial cost to me, taking on someone's hugely troubled teenager - not for me.

I used to work with teens and I had such a soft spot for them even the poorly behaved ones, but no way would I sign up to live with any of them.

I have zero well wishes for animal abusers and their enablers - fuck them both tbh. I’m just glad he’s removed the animal and I hope it recovers and finds a loving home.

Well done for dodging that bullet. I’m very glad for you that you got out now.