Boyfriend's DD custody arrangement/pet. Too much drama ahead?

[citythatneversleeps]

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who is 14. She's got a few 'temper issues' shall we say. Her school has complained about her angst - and about her lashing out at her friends etc... (won't go into more details). The BM is very much the same in terms of temperament.

I was wary of dating someone with a kid/kids as I'm childfree and the dynamic is, of course, totally different. I had ended things once before as it was just very complex. To be clear, I'm not a 'kid-hater' or anything like that. I just don't have any of my own - and frankly - on the fence.

However, he has a tendency to be a 'Disney Dad' because he was the one who left the marriage. No, he didn't cheat. (No one did). No, I'm not the 'other woman' before anyone asks/assumes...

He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50. He told me as of next month (as in two weeks) time, the arrangement will be formal - 3 nights overnights - and that he hopes she'll move in full-time with him - in a year or so. He is concerned about her behaviour and feels that she will be happier with him. Obviously this full-time moving in plan is all (his) speculation/hopes, but the other stuff (3x overnights) is cemented. He didn't even tell me that any of this was going on in the background until the overnights were cemented. He came in all happy whilst telling me, so I didn't even have a chance to process it all.

He's also promised her a pet as a way to lift her spirits/ease her angst as well as pretty much anything else she wants.

I'm obviously happy for him given this latest 'living arrangement' development. This is great for them and it goes without saying, that I hope they work through all the angst/issues together. She is already in therapy 2x week.

The thing is, he and I had plans to move in together. Yes, plans can change and it's not the end of the world if that were to be the case, but he didn't even mention how that would work....? We spoke today and he said we could find a bigger place together - which of course, would be far more expensive - and since we are both buying together, I'd have to spend far more than I anticipated. Or that we could move in together once she's at University...?! But that's in 3 years time...?!

I don't see my relationship with him working as a result. The entire dynamic would change and the girl is quite violent at times.

On the pet side... I have an old rescue dog and one of the times she lashed out a year ago, she stamped on a dog's tail (not my dog's tail, to be clear!) If he gets her a dog/cat, I'm worried about any poor animal in that house.

AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this? All I see is drama ahead - and I'm beyond annoyed that (whilst I have no 'right' to be involved in their family arrangements) it changes my plans, changes things for me financially, changes my relationship - and more... He has a tendency to act first and think second - and this is a big deal for me, but doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. He thinks I should 'look on the bright side' etc...

I know that when you are seeing someone with a kid/kids - anything could happen - and life could change. A parent could pass away, for example... so in some ways I should have seen this coming. Thankfully, we are not living together, don't have any joint finances etc... so an easy exit would be on the cards.

I would never want to get between a father and a child. The needs of the child should come first. Obviously. But I do also want to be able to live a life somewhat similar to what I had envisioned too. This wouldn't be it. Whilst I don't have a kid, I wouldn't put my rescue dog in an environment where he could be on the receiving end of any poor treatment.

Sorry for the long post.

You'd be insane NOT to walk away from this.

He's not wrong. You're not wrong. But the bottom line is that dealing with his ex vandalising your car alongside his teenage daughter's emotional issues just isn't the life that you want.

That's totally fair enough.

You're childfree and still have time to meet a lovely man with no other complications, who has space in his life to make you his priority. You owe it to yourself to give yourself the chance to find him.

Also - looking through my extremely old, cynical lens - I wonder how enthusiastic he would be about living with his DD if you were no longer in the picture to be nanny, housekeeper, school run taxi and provider of sex on tap...

Op - have you told do your decesion? How has he reacted?

I know it's 'selfish' to not want to deal with that as someone who is childfree, but it's the right thing to do.

You are being the exact opposite of selfish and very perceptive in recognising that walking away is the right thing to do.

Many people do the opposite and insert themselves into dynamics that are actively detrimental to the children involved as well as the adults because they believe they ‘have a right to a relationship’ and ‘children need to learn to adapt’. That is what’s selfish.

Many people do the opposite and insert themselves into dynamics that are actively detrimental to the children involved as well as the adults because they believe they ‘have a right to a relationship’ and ‘children need to learn to adapt’. That is what’s selfish.

Spot on @TinyYellow OP is actually being mature and kind to herself and all involved by removing herself from this situation.

He only prioritized her needs once he had the OP lined up to provide a bigger house and childcare

Red flags everywhere, you do not need any of this drama in your life.

The Mum keyed your car, the teenager is violent/hurt an innocent animal and Disney Dad thinks buying her a pet is a good idea. Bloody hell, lucky escape indeed.

There is no certainty that she will go off to University and leave home at 18. She is troubled and in GCSE time, as you say she’s 15 so I assume has not yet sat them she could totally bomb. Have to repeat them, then A levels. There are lots of anomalies. I would leave dad to it. Life’s short and she’s not your responsibility.

I had been wondering how much of this "new life" that the BF wishes to give his daughter, rides on the back of the OP, with him hoping she funds a lot of it?
My bet is, quite a bit.

You are absolutely allowed to leave a relationship that is not working for you for whatever the reason.
in this case maybe it is the right thing for all involved.
confused why you’d need a bigger place with this new arrangement vs current arrangement. Were you planning on buying a place with a man who had a daughter that wasn’t big enough for the daughter to have a room in?

not talking to you (as in just this is my plans) he is showing you just where you are in his list of priorities

and that is way down the list ….

and you are not really wanting to be so involved (nothing wrong with that) so I would walk away

Well, I probably wouldn't be entertaining moving in with him and would assume that the relationship had moved back to a more casual/taking any next moves slow status.

He has a 14 year old dd who is in therapy and it's right that she needs to be his focus. You are not her step-parent (and don't appear to want to be) so will have to fit in around this.

If that's not what you want then you will have to decide whether to end the relationship.

After 18 months (including a break), I'm not overly surprised that he made these plans without consulting you, but for you, it is a clear message about his priorities.

I wouldn't blame you for walking away now tbh.

You don't have kids together and who knows if they will be a possibility with him in the future, given the current situation with his child.

He should be prioritising his child, many men don't but he also should have kept you in the loop with his plans, especially as you were at the point of living together.

From what you've said, it would be easier and less damaging to end now rather than living together with a high demand step child.

I can see both sides.

No I do not blame you for ending the relationship He should have kept you in the loop but I also think if your buying a house with someone who has kids you have to keep in mind they could end up living with you.

I think you are using this thread as a way to process your feelings that this relationship is (unfortunately) not going to work.

While I admire his dedication to his daughter and would put him in a good dad category - while helpful if you want to have kids with a man who has shown he is committed to his child - not so helpful if you don't.

For me, especially considering you had plans to move in together, the fact he did not mention / discuss this huge life change with you would be a deal breaker for me.

This is it. Without me, he won't be able to go ahead with his plans for her/send her to a different school etc...

He wants to move to a very nice part of West London (I grew up in SW London) and noted a few days ago that he wanted a 'much bigger' place when we had anticipated. However, obviously the type of place is I had in mind would have ample space/a bedroom for his daughter etc... it's a house, not a small flat. I have a dog, so the place would obviously have a garden too. So why the sudden jump in size of place... I have no clue. I suspect he promised his daughter all these extra things...

His argument is that all of his money goes to his DD. That's totally right and fair, but his preference of home would come at a much greater cost for me - for a child that isn't mine, who has serious issues and violent tendencies. I'd be worried for my dog too. I'm already paying for approx 70% of things we do together - and it's only increasing due to his expenses increasing too.

If I were to proceed with his plan 'for us' - it could easily go sideways further. Once I'd be in that position, it would also be extremely hard to walk away. Whereas I now can leave with very little broken glass - and still wish him well - and remain cordial/friendly.

He absolutely should put his child first - especially given all the issues there. That's what good parents do - mothers and fathers, that is.

We spoke late last night and again today. It's dead in the water.

“His argument is that all of his money goes to his DD”.

That’s not your problem, and you shouldn’t be relied on to pick up the pieces.

It’s always sad when, what was, a perfectly reasonable relationship ends, but you’ve done the right thing. It seems he’s now showing his true colours, and perhaps expected you to be his cash cow. Wishing you all the best.

Sounds like you have reached a conclusion. I think it’s for the best. Kudos to you for being so clear-sighted. I hope it works out for all concerned, but you’ve made the right decision stepping out early with your head screwed on.

Well done, OP. It increasingly read that you and your funds were going to be the way forward, regardless of what you felt about it.

As someone who is a single parent with a DD of the same age with ‘issues’, I think he’s showing you what a good man he is. And they’re hard to come by. No, you won’t be able to move in together yet, but is that the end of the world? There’s no need for you to get involved in his DD’s life, if he has her 50% of the time, that’s the other 50% you have together. He’ll be glad of the downtime. She’s not far from adulthood, and time will fly by. No need for her to be around you or your dog.

I am in a relationship with someone who is great, and has been a good influence on my DD without doing anything than just being around on weekends, not trying to parent her or get involved, just engaging with her as much as she’s wanted to engage with him. We don’t live together, after 4 years. He’s about to buy a house near me which has a garden studio which will be her space, if she comes with me when I’m staying there. She’s excited about that, as she currently has a little box room. He doesn’t have kids.

I guess it depends on whether you want to ride this situation out until it passes, but if it’s otherwise all good I would hang in there.

Oops just read your update, ignore me!

Spent the past hour/two hours talking on the phone about it all. Bullet. Dodged.

I’m relieved for you, OP. How did he react, what did he say?

I’m glad that you’ve walked away from this relationship, it clearly wasn’t right for you. Now you know for sure that getting involved with someone who has children (regardless of their age) isn’t a good fit for you either.

I don’t the issue was that the dp had a child. Although op was wary about entering this relationship, she did so and had met the child, and found her okay to be with, apart from a few incidents.

The problem was that dp made this significant move, without mentioning it. Obviously it wasn’t up to op whether dps daughter moved in with him, but not once did it crop up in conversation that dp was discussing this with with ex. On top of that, it’s become apparent that dp expects op to help fund this decesion.

It's natural that he wants to do his best for his daughter. Unfortunately he wants you to bankroll it - from daily expenses to sinking far more of your capital into a house to suit him and his daughter's aspirations. He had seemingly made all these plans without even having the courtesy of discussing it with you.

I'm not sure either that I'd ever warm to a teenager who stamped on a dog's tail. I had difficult teens once and no matter how angry they ever were they would never have done this. The idea that she'd leave at 18 never to be a malevolent presence in the house again is very unrealistic. I agree your dog would not be safe with her.

Yes, my husband and I stumped up for a nice house with lots of space and close to good schools for the children with an initially bigger contribution from me. But that was because they were my children. I wouldn't be doing it for somebody else's children - particularly their unpleasant child with cruelty to animals as a characteristic.

I hope you're feeling ok OP.
Even when a relationship ending is the right thing to do there can still be an element of sadness and pain.
I too left a relationship yesterday and today will need to be kind to myself and keep reminding myself why it was the right thing to do.
I hope you manage to have a lovely Sunday.