Boyfriend's DD custody arrangement/pet. Too much drama ahead?

[citythatneversleeps]

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who is 14. She's got a few 'temper issues' shall we say. Her school has complained about her angst - and about her lashing out at her friends etc... (won't go into more details). The BM is very much the same in terms of temperament.

I was wary of dating someone with a kid/kids as I'm childfree and the dynamic is, of course, totally different. I had ended things once before as it was just very complex. To be clear, I'm not a 'kid-hater' or anything like that. I just don't have any of my own - and frankly - on the fence.

However, he has a tendency to be a 'Disney Dad' because he was the one who left the marriage. No, he didn't cheat. (No one did). No, I'm not the 'other woman' before anyone asks/assumes...

He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50. He told me as of next month (as in two weeks) time, the arrangement will be formal - 3 nights overnights - and that he hopes she'll move in full-time with him - in a year or so. He is concerned about her behaviour and feels that she will be happier with him. Obviously this full-time moving in plan is all (his) speculation/hopes, but the other stuff (3x overnights) is cemented. He didn't even tell me that any of this was going on in the background until the overnights were cemented. He came in all happy whilst telling me, so I didn't even have a chance to process it all.

He's also promised her a pet as a way to lift her spirits/ease her angst as well as pretty much anything else she wants.

I'm obviously happy for him given this latest 'living arrangement' development. This is great for them and it goes without saying, that I hope they work through all the angst/issues together. She is already in therapy 2x week.

The thing is, he and I had plans to move in together. Yes, plans can change and it's not the end of the world if that were to be the case, but he didn't even mention how that would work....? We spoke today and he said we could find a bigger place together - which of course, would be far more expensive - and since we are both buying together, I'd have to spend far more than I anticipated. Or that we could move in together once she's at University...?! But that's in 3 years time...?!

I don't see my relationship with him working as a result. The entire dynamic would change and the girl is quite violent at times.

On the pet side... I have an old rescue dog and one of the times she lashed out a year ago, she stamped on a dog's tail (not my dog's tail, to be clear!) If he gets her a dog/cat, I'm worried about any poor animal in that house.

AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this? All I see is drama ahead - and I'm beyond annoyed that (whilst I have no 'right' to be involved in their family arrangements) it changes my plans, changes things for me financially, changes my relationship - and more... He has a tendency to act first and think second - and this is a big deal for me, but doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. He thinks I should 'look on the bright side' etc...

I know that when you are seeing someone with a kid/kids - anything could happen - and life could change. A parent could pass away, for example... so in some ways I should have seen this coming. Thankfully, we are not living together, don't have any joint finances etc... so an easy exit would be on the cards.

I would never want to get between a father and a child. The needs of the child should come first. Obviously. But I do also want to be able to live a life somewhat similar to what I had envisioned too. This wouldn't be it. Whilst I don't have a kid, I wouldn't put my rescue dog in an environment where he could be on the receiving end of any poor treatment.

Sorry for the long post.

I would end the relationship. His daughter will always come first, which is as it should be but don't saddle yourself with someone else's stroppy teenager, even less one who abuses animals

No it’s not, its just parenting. Why on earth should we celebrate and cheer for men looking after their own children? Do you say the same about women who have their kids 50/50?

A sensible decision op. I hope the break-up conversation goes well and that he doesn't make it difficult for you to walk away amicably.

I would avoid this like the plague-sorry, for a whole lot of reasons. Not least of which is that you weren't part of the discussion or, at the very least, kept in the loop as things went along.

He has to put his child first- but you don't have to accept being second if you don't want to be.

Incidentally, she's not the BM. She's the child's mother. No need for a prefix.

@Naunet indeed. It's the same as cooing over a man feeding his baby in a restaurant when you'd ignore a woman doing the same. Funny how women don't 'step up' , they mostly just get on with being a parent.

He’s putting his daughter first- great
Did he make his decision on the assumption you’d be around to help him?

Put yourself (and your dog) first.
I hope he doesn’t get his DD a pet.
An animal and a troubled child is not a good mix

Best wishes OP

You’re not being selfish. You both have responsibilities and they are in conflict, so you should not move in together. I’m sorry, as he sounds like a good man.

Also, I could never like or respect anyone who is deliberately cruel to an animal. Teenage angst does not excuse this.

Not sure of your point?

I think it’s not what you’d imagined so I’d walk. She smashed a glass in your house deliberately by the sounds of it, which is extremely disrespectful, you are right not to want further involvement. Circumstances are changing, so you could walk. Your dp is doing the right thing, cementing custody for the sake of his dd.

not selfish, sensible and the best way for you to contribute to the child's care.

Well done OP.
MASSIVE bullet dodged.
Amble over to step parenting on MN to read just how much of a shit show you dodged.
NOT your child.
NOT your financial responsibility.
Too many women with very low self esteem think it's "selfish" to walk away because of a partner having children and the sacrifices required of THEM.

Boy does that come back to bite them on the arse big time with BITTER regret being their overwhelming emotion.

Well done YOU for picking YOU👏👏👏

It may be great, but as he was making plans with the OP he absolutely had a duty to give her a heads-up that these were the plans going forward. That was a simple courtesy

Not selfish at all. It's your life and you have to live it your way

He sounds like a really great dad, and fantastic for prioritising his child's needs.

Thinking about only moving in together when she is more independent and an adult sounds really sensible.

If you don't want that sort of relationship or not move in for 3/4 years that's completely fine, but he sounds really sensible.

But if you had concrete plans to move in together, then he's also been a bit shit as well

But the issue is that he made all those decisions without informing her that that was what he was going to do. She should have been told of his plans before the event, not after

I think, if you like him - which I assume you do as you were planning on getting a place together - then sit back and see what happens.

Don't do anything rash right now.

Just because he has agreed XYZ with the mother, doesn't mean daughter will comply so it may all come to naught. OR not being around the mother so much might improve the daughter's temperament. Plus she is right in that crappy age stage.

Things might look very different in 12 months time. She could have flounced back to mum in a huff.

Just go with the flow for now, and see where it goes.

If she is 14 then she is nearly an adult. It’s not like taking on a parent with small children. You don’t sound that invested in the relationship? If you were, surely you could wait. just keep up the dating and each keep your own houses for a few years until she flies the nest and you can carry on your plans as you were.

Seems like a lot of hassle for the promise of a ‘maybe’. Hassle that she’ll end up further out of pocket for. There’s more fish in the sea, ones without volatile and violent ex wives and daughters.

I don't disagree, but if someone has found a fish they like and is invested enough to be considering moving in with that fish, then it is a shame to chuck it away so quickly. There are lots of fish in the sea, but some are horrendous!

It’s not selfish of you to prioritise and protect the life you want, it’s sensible. Also you have a responsibility to keep your dog safe.

I’m all for people putting their kids first. And while it’s admirable that he is stepping up with his daughter, I don’t think he’s the great guy people think he is because of it.

To not discuss this with someone you are moving in with isn’t great. It smacks of selfishness- albeit hidden behind the ‘Disney dad’ attitude.

it shows he doesn’t really consider anyone but himself first. ( if he was such a great dad, it would’ve been 50/50 from start)

by all means, he can make decisions that put his daughter first but at least have the courtesy to discuss with OP and discuss how that may affect their plans.

Well that would say a lot about his intentions and I would not see it as he suddenly sees his relationships with OP is more important rather he realizes he is losing his financial support. It would also be another huge red flag for OP especially if they plan to have kids in the future.

The knee jerk decisions and u turns would put me off.

Again I have no issue with him wanting to support his daughter but that doesn't mean OP is suddenly irrelevant and just has to do whatever he dictates.

Is he mad?

Can he not see that the issues the daughter has may be caused by ineffective parenting?

She is going to be ten times worse if you and her live together.

Please think of your dog and your own sanity and well being.

No man is worth all of this aggro.

On one hand it's laudable, on the other hand if he is doing this because he thinks he has OP to subsidize his decisions by getting a house he can't afford on his own in an area OP wouldn't ordinarily choose them maybe not.

If his decision includes plans for OP to help look after her while he continues to be the fun dad then maybe not.

If it means continuing to make knee jerk reactions and decisions out of guilt such as promising a pet without even talking to the person who will be paying more for the house then maybe not especially if OP may end up having to care for the dog.

Being ready to be a step mother doesn't mean you suddenly become irrelevant and don't have any input any more and just have to do what he says otherwise you're the evil step mother.

Sure, but it would be a greater shame to stick with the fish and get lumbered with parasites and a substantial bill. At that point it would be a shame that it wasn’t jettisoned early.