Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who is 14. She's got a few 'temper issues' shall we say. Her school has complained about her angst - and about her lashing out at her friends etc... (won't go into more details). The BM is very much the same in terms of temperament.
I was wary of dating someone with a kid/kids as I'm childfree and the dynamic is, of course, totally different. I had ended things once before as it was just very complex. To be clear, I'm not a 'kid-hater' or anything like that. I just don't have any of my own - and frankly - on the fence.
However, he has a tendency to be a 'Disney Dad' because he was the one who left the marriage. No, he didn't cheat. (No one did). No, I'm not the 'other woman' before anyone asks/assumes...
He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50. He told me as of next month (as in two weeks) time, the arrangement will be formal - 3 nights overnights - and that he hopes she'll move in full-time with him - in a year or so. He is concerned about her behaviour and feels that she will be happier with him. Obviously this full-time moving in plan is all (his) speculation/hopes, but the other stuff (3x overnights) is cemented. He didn't even tell me that any of this was going on in the background until the overnights were cemented. He came in all happy whilst telling me, so I didn't even have a chance to process it all.
He's also promised her a pet as a way to lift her spirits/ease her angst as well as pretty much anything else she wants.
I'm obviously happy for him given this latest 'living arrangement' development. This is great for them and it goes without saying, that I hope they work through all the angst/issues together. She is already in therapy 2x week.
The thing is, he and I had plans to move in together. Yes, plans can change and it's not the end of the world if that were to be the case, but he didn't even mention how that would work....? We spoke today and he said we could find a bigger place together - which of course, would be far more expensive - and since we are both buying together, I'd have to spend far more than I anticipated. Or that we could move in together once she's at University...?! But that's in 3 years time...?!
I don't see my relationship with him working as a result. The entire dynamic would change and the girl is quite violent at times.
On the pet side... I have an old rescue dog and one of the times she lashed out a year ago, she stamped on a dog's tail (not my dog's tail, to be clear!) If he gets her a dog/cat, I'm worried about any poor animal in that house.
AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this? All I see is drama ahead - and I'm beyond annoyed that (whilst I have no 'right' to be involved in their family arrangements) it changes my plans, changes things for me financially, changes my relationship - and more... He has a tendency to act first and think second - and this is a big deal for me, but doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. He thinks I should 'look on the bright side' etc...
I know that when you are seeing someone with a kid/kids - anything could happen - and life could change. A parent could pass away, for example... so in some ways I should have seen this coming. Thankfully, we are not living together, don't have any joint finances etc... so an easy exit would be on the cards.
I would never want to get between a father and a child. The needs of the child should come first. Obviously. But I do also want to be able to live a life somewhat similar to what I had envisioned too. This wouldn't be it. Whilst I don't have a kid, I wouldn't put my rescue dog in an environment where he could be on the receiving end of any poor treatment.
Sorry for the long post.