Boyfriend's DD custody arrangement/pet. Too much drama ahead?

[citythatneversleeps]

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who is 14. She's got a few 'temper issues' shall we say. Her school has complained about her angst - and about her lashing out at her friends etc... (won't go into more details). The BM is very much the same in terms of temperament.

I was wary of dating someone with a kid/kids as I'm childfree and the dynamic is, of course, totally different. I had ended things once before as it was just very complex. To be clear, I'm not a 'kid-hater' or anything like that. I just don't have any of my own - and frankly - on the fence.

However, he has a tendency to be a 'Disney Dad' because he was the one who left the marriage. No, he didn't cheat. (No one did). No, I'm not the 'other woman' before anyone asks/assumes...

He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50. He told me as of next month (as in two weeks) time, the arrangement will be formal - 3 nights overnights - and that he hopes she'll move in full-time with him - in a year or so. He is concerned about her behaviour and feels that she will be happier with him. Obviously this full-time moving in plan is all (his) speculation/hopes, but the other stuff (3x overnights) is cemented. He didn't even tell me that any of this was going on in the background until the overnights were cemented. He came in all happy whilst telling me, so I didn't even have a chance to process it all.

He's also promised her a pet as a way to lift her spirits/ease her angst as well as pretty much anything else she wants.

I'm obviously happy for him given this latest 'living arrangement' development. This is great for them and it goes without saying, that I hope they work through all the angst/issues together. She is already in therapy 2x week.

The thing is, he and I had plans to move in together. Yes, plans can change and it's not the end of the world if that were to be the case, but he didn't even mention how that would work....? We spoke today and he said we could find a bigger place together - which of course, would be far more expensive - and since we are both buying together, I'd have to spend far more than I anticipated. Or that we could move in together once she's at University...?! But that's in 3 years time...?!

I don't see my relationship with him working as a result. The entire dynamic would change and the girl is quite violent at times.

On the pet side... I have an old rescue dog and one of the times she lashed out a year ago, she stamped on a dog's tail (not my dog's tail, to be clear!) If he gets her a dog/cat, I'm worried about any poor animal in that house.

AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this? All I see is drama ahead - and I'm beyond annoyed that (whilst I have no 'right' to be involved in their family arrangements) it changes my plans, changes things for me financially, changes my relationship - and more... He has a tendency to act first and think second - and this is a big deal for me, but doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. He thinks I should 'look on the bright side' etc...

I know that when you are seeing someone with a kid/kids - anything could happen - and life could change. A parent could pass away, for example... so in some ways I should have seen this coming. Thankfully, we are not living together, don't have any joint finances etc... so an easy exit would be on the cards.

I would never want to get between a father and a child. The needs of the child should come first. Obviously. But I do also want to be able to live a life somewhat similar to what I had envisioned too. This wouldn't be it. Whilst I don't have a kid, I wouldn't put my rescue dog in an environment where he could be on the receiving end of any poor treatment.

Sorry for the long post.

AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this?

Anyone can walk away from any relationship for any reason.

I'd suggest this is a good idea as I think he'll be better off.

Yanbu.

I give him credit for doing right by his DD, and I give you credit for knowing that this isn't a life path that you want for yourself.

It’s great that he’s supporting his daughter, but I agree that he should have mentioned this before, and not when it was fair accompli. You’ve been together for over a year and have started the ‘moving in together’ talks so it must be a pretty serious relationship. Ie. Long term.

I’m guessing he’s expecting you to do some of the step mother duties, and help to parent the child. It will come as a slight shock to him when you don’t automatically fulfil this role.

However, I think you are right to step away. You haven’t signed up to this, and he didn’t respect you enough to discuss your intentions. Although his daughter is his concern, it’s common courtesy to mention it to you as well, earlier than the fair accompli stage.

I agree about the use of BM but for the rest I think the main issue is he didn't have a conversation with her. I think he is doing the right thing to be there for his daughter but he should also have had the conversation with OP and they can then decide if the relationship will work or not rather than just decide on his own. Frankly I would not move in because it's obvious he will make unilateral decisions for his daughter irrespective if how it will affect OP.

Again I think he is doing the right think for his daughter but he can also communicate better not just make decisions off the cuff and that's it.

Agreed. I'm also the higher earner so I would financially lose out more as a result, especially as the places he'd want to ideally live in and the schools he'd want to be nearer for his daughter would be in a totally different part of London - and the place we'd buy wouldn't be a 50/50 purchase due to his savings/income being considerably less than mine. I've also been paying for a lot more as things currently stand - due to all his expenses - which are only mounting. Therapy 2x a week, private tuition, etc...

Thankfully we don't have any joint accounts - and right now, it's just me paying for extra things - so it'd just be a clean break.

Moreover, I'd be miserable anyway. It's lovely and admirable that he's being a great parent (especially when there are so many awful parents in this world), but it's not so much 'that' that is the issue. It's the bigger picture. I didn't even react to the damage to my car. Just decided to swallow it, walk away/detach. I can still wish him well and want the best for him and his family - whilst looking out for myself too. We just don't align.

It's just crossed my mind to ask, why we're all giving this man so much credit for being there for his teenage daughter, if it were a woman, I don't think any of us would be thinking how great she was, for doing what should come naturally with being a parent.

Also, the more I think about it, I can't help wondering if the talk with the OP about moving in - in her mind in the future, isn't what prompted him to go ahead and make the plans to move his daughter in for as much of the time as possible, as he thought, he had a ready made step mother all lined up. After all, how many men do we read about on MN, who use new partners to step in and care for the kids, while they're off with their mates down the pub?

I know the OP hasn't mentioned any of this, and would be happy to continue being friends with this man, so I could be totally wrong about him, but maybe my suspicions come from reading about so many shitty men, here on MN?

Based on this update it would be a big no from me.

He has every right to want to support his daughter but he needs to be considerate of his partner given it will also affect her and especially given his plan for his daughter depends on his partner funding part of it. It wouldn't be an issue if you were committed and plan to blend your families and discussed and planned for this but I would be very wary with the way he has gone about it. As you said he is a Disney dad and he will continue to make decisions out of guilt with no consideration for how it will impact you.

Of course. He should indeed support his daughter and it's more than understandable that he wants to give her the best life possible.

It's not even the little things - just the thought of my life on a larger scale/the bigger picture. I'd have to potentially move into a place far bigger/more expensive than I had planned to, in an area where I wouldn't ordinarily choose (due to school choice), with my dog around a teenager who stamped on another dog's tail whilst in a fit of rage, plus... deal with a mother who keyed my car - and I would have to do it all with a smile on my face - and with no 'room' to feel anything less than happy 24/7 about it.

Meanwhile; he just 'tells' me what's happening after the fact and what his plans are for 'us'. There is no 'us' if there's no discussion - yet I'm expected to change my life/pay for it all too.

This was not what it was supposed to be - and that's ok. Thankfully, I can walk away with very little hassle as is.

Spent the past hour/two hours talking on the phone about it all. Bullet. Dodged.

Yes, you should walk away. This isn’t the right person for you, and you’re not the right person for him & his daughter.

I’m a stepmother. I have a stepmother of my own. I have close friends who are stepparents and whose children have stepparents. I love my family and truly love being a stepparent, but there’s no denying that it’s a tough role. My honest advice to you (and everyone else) is that if you aren’t really enthusiastic about being a stepparent then you shouldn’t even consider it.

If the idea of having your boyfriend’s DD in your life more doesn’t thrill you, do the right thing for all three of you and don’t move forward with the relationship.

Does having his DD 50/50 mean he doesn't have to pay maintenance for her? Just wondered if that's any part of his motivation for having her more, especially as you've said that the therapy fees and private tuition mean he has less disposable income.

I think that's the right decision. Is it officially over now?

If he changes his mind about having his daughter 50:50 and then full time after this then it is evident he was making this plans in the how you will subsidize his plans. And yet he makes the plans without any input from you or discussion.

I think you've looked at your possible future with him in a very rational manner and unfortunately, the outcome is not good. I would not couple finances in these circumstances.

Completely agree

So he basically needs you to fund his big snazzy house, in a nicer area and with better schools? And he didn't mention this to you until it was almost a done deal. It sounds like he hoped you would sleep walk into an arrangement that was hugely beneficial to him and detrimental to you.
If he could have lured you into marriage he could have taken half your assets.
Definitely walk away, he can support his own child with his own earnings.

Or, basically a future together. I would assume that parents that allow (condone) their teenager's violence against pets are making their bed and would walk away - rapidly.

This! Why would you fund private school tuition for his daughter? I do understand her behaviourial problems as her own mother seems to be a lunatic. A grown woman keying a car? You should have reported it because her violent streak could escalate. As for how things are now I would say get out of this relationship for your own safety!

OP I'll tell you this from a different perspective as I think people meet and move in together way too quickly.

My partner and I have been together 7 years, but we haven't moved in together.

I have full time custody of my DD15 as a lone parent, he had 50/50 care of his Ds now 19.

We kept our houses and lives separately for several reasons:

My DD15 needed to get through a bad patch, puberty and ADHD is not easy but she is doing so well now.
We had kids of the opposite sex in different school areas, blending families needs to be done carefully over time.

In the meantime he and I have had a lovely time together on our own but in the last few years we started taking holidays all together too.

What I'm saying is, people rush too hard and too quickly into merging their lives. It's ok not to do that.

It's also fine to walk away.

It's great he's making changes to his life for reasons of believing it will be a training point for the better for his DD, so that's a plus and he should absolutely do that.

But as a life partner for you I would expect the relationship not to work.

Because despite having intentions/plans in the pipeline with you he didn't let you know, and that's not about consulting or seeking permission or whatever, that's just appreciating some notice of possible change might be a good idea. So either he's dim thinking this is irrelevant to you, or he thinks you would try to influence/ talk him out of it... Which doesn't speak well if what he thinks you're dynamic is.

The fact he's taken the Disney dad approach is also not showing good character, ok so he left, but love bombing your kid at visits / going easy on them... isn't the best way to parent any child - it's just acting out of guilt so I think that speaks to emotional immaturity.

Considering a pet for a child who has already been violent to animals is ridiculous, at best it might be a future possibility if her temperament can take a turn for the better, but I pity any animal who ends up in a house where the responsible adult doesn't take that seriously.

So for me, nothing about him would be telling me he's anything other than a temporary bit of fun.

P.s keep the Ring footage of his ex keying your car and get rid of bloke.

Or else it means that even though he thought having his daughter full time would be in his daughters best interests to deal with her issues, that he's now decided his relationship with the OP is more important than getting his daughter on the right track and that would be just as bad or worse!!

Sorry op.... It's too early and I didn't rtft...
Good choice.
As you say, bullet dodged.

Watch out for him asking you to continue to pay for things. There was a post recently where a woman had been subsidising her DP and his DC - both the DP and his ex-DW were demanding that the OP should continue funding them

Moreover, I'd be miserable anyway. It's lovely and admirable that he's being a great parent
Well he's saying that he'll be a great parent, he hasn't actually done 50:50 yet....
You've done the right thing by walking away OP. Bullet dodged indeed.

She's a horrible violent child that thinks abusing an animal is ok and yet he's going to get her a pet? Wow he's a genius.

This sounds like a fucking nightmare situation and my advice is walk away. She'll always be a pain in the arse as will the Disney dad. Run!

You've been very sensible @citythatneversleeps this isn't the man for you. If you're happy being CF then you can miss a lot of hassle and expense by finding a man who feels the same way.I wouldn't date him on his free days either because if his DD ends up living there full time you'll just have to end the realationship later on.