Boyfriend's DD custody arrangement/pet. Too much drama ahead?

[citythatneversleeps]

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who is 14. She's got a few 'temper issues' shall we say. Her school has complained about her angst - and about her lashing out at her friends etc... (won't go into more details). The BM is very much the same in terms of temperament.

I was wary of dating someone with a kid/kids as I'm childfree and the dynamic is, of course, totally different. I had ended things once before as it was just very complex. To be clear, I'm not a 'kid-hater' or anything like that. I just don't have any of my own - and frankly - on the fence.

However, he has a tendency to be a 'Disney Dad' because he was the one who left the marriage. No, he didn't cheat. (No one did). No, I'm not the 'other woman' before anyone asks/assumes...

He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50. He told me as of next month (as in two weeks) time, the arrangement will be formal - 3 nights overnights - and that he hopes she'll move in full-time with him - in a year or so. He is concerned about her behaviour and feels that she will be happier with him. Obviously this full-time moving in plan is all (his) speculation/hopes, but the other stuff (3x overnights) is cemented. He didn't even tell me that any of this was going on in the background until the overnights were cemented. He came in all happy whilst telling me, so I didn't even have a chance to process it all.

He's also promised her a pet as a way to lift her spirits/ease her angst as well as pretty much anything else she wants.

I'm obviously happy for him given this latest 'living arrangement' development. This is great for them and it goes without saying, that I hope they work through all the angst/issues together. She is already in therapy 2x week.

The thing is, he and I had plans to move in together. Yes, plans can change and it's not the end of the world if that were to be the case, but he didn't even mention how that would work....? We spoke today and he said we could find a bigger place together - which of course, would be far more expensive - and since we are both buying together, I'd have to spend far more than I anticipated. Or that we could move in together once she's at University...?! But that's in 3 years time...?!

I don't see my relationship with him working as a result. The entire dynamic would change and the girl is quite violent at times.

On the pet side... I have an old rescue dog and one of the times she lashed out a year ago, she stamped on a dog's tail (not my dog's tail, to be clear!) If he gets her a dog/cat, I'm worried about any poor animal in that house.

AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this? All I see is drama ahead - and I'm beyond annoyed that (whilst I have no 'right' to be involved in their family arrangements) it changes my plans, changes things for me financially, changes my relationship - and more... He has a tendency to act first and think second - and this is a big deal for me, but doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. He thinks I should 'look on the bright side' etc...

I know that when you are seeing someone with a kid/kids - anything could happen - and life could change. A parent could pass away, for example... so in some ways I should have seen this coming. Thankfully, we are not living together, don't have any joint finances etc... so an easy exit would be on the cards.

I would never want to get between a father and a child. The needs of the child should come first. Obviously. But I do also want to be able to live a life somewhat similar to what I had envisioned too. This wouldn't be it. Whilst I don't have a kid, I wouldn't put my rescue dog in an environment where he could be on the receiving end of any poor treatment.

Sorry for the long post.

But I think these issues can very often come up when you date a man who has a child under 18. Especially if you earn similar or more than him you’ll find you’re having to financially subsidise him or make big adjustments to your life in order for him to best support his child eg. Share your home with said child for half the week . It’s kind of part and parcel of dating a man with kids which is why I don’t do it.

I was talking to a guy once who said he had a child but if he were to be with me he wouldn’t have the child living with him without my consent.firstly, I actually think his kid should come first so I don’t like the way he phrased that, but also I think it’s unrealistic. He can’t know the mother of his kid isn’t going to fall sick or be unable to care for his child.

You’re much better avoiding men with kids if you are childfree.

Even if OPs partners did keep her in the loop, about the proposed new housing arrangement, he’d still be demanding a lot from her as a result of having a child. So yeah he didn’t handle it the best way but I think him having a child is actually an issue.

Well done. You really have dodged a bullet with this one. He’s presented “all my money goes to my daughter” as a noble sentiment, but hasn’t said the quiet part - “therefore you’ll have to pay up for the things I can’t afford for her, and pay up for me as well” out loud.

I am sorry that you had to go through this. Even though you are fine with walking away, I'm sure it still stung a bit. I hope he wasn't angry and that you will be able to remain "friendly" without getting pulled into something you really do not want.

I will never understand men or women who think their DP should fund a better life for a child that isn't theirs, especially when they start making promises their own bank account cannot keep. I know that some do that, but it should not be expected. It really makes it difficult when the main supporter has had enough because they feel obligated and then guilty when they leave.

He will work something out for his DD and manage his expectations to fit his income. I am glad you realized that it wasn't your job and that you did not want to subject your dog to someone with anger issues.

I wish you the very best and that you find someone who you can begin a life with from the same starting gate.

Give it a year and she will back at her mums.
Both of them think the grass is greener.
By this time next year, when he realised he can’t control her, and after many blow ups, he will leave her standing out on the street, with nothing but the clothes she will be wearing, waiting for her mum to pick her up. She will sever all ties with him, and realise what an arsehole he was all along. Fucking Disney Dads.

Yes, probably true.

You've definitely made the right decision. He has not considered you in his plans, just assumed you'd go along with them. You do not have a future with him. Good luck. There will be a better partner out there for you.

I wound leave. Daughter sounds like a spoiled horror and this will not lead you you having a nice life.

unless you're desperately looking for someone to live with or marry, I'd carry on as you are & see how it goes.
He is right to prioritise his daughter - but seems odd not to discuss it with you if you've been discussing buying together.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes back in a few days/a week with news that his plans have suddenly changed, he won’t be having his daughter 50/50 - to full time , and a “can they pick up where they left off please (except for the house, the bigger one in the better area would still be great!)?”

If so, don’t fall for it OP.

Sounds like ending things was definitely the right move. Obviously he should put his daughter's needs above any romantic relationship, but it's really odd that he was planning on moving in with you, but didn't think to mention he was changing his custody agreement until it had been agreed.

I think easing yourself gently away from thin one would be kinder to everyone in the long run, aged dog included. There may be troubles ahead-and sadly if the 14 yr old is already troubled, your being there might make it worse. Boyfriend is doing the right thing by his daughter. A graceful exit.

Mumsnet always seem to advise not getting involved with men who want to spend time and care for their existing children, whilst then being surprised that the men who ignore their previous children then go on to not support them raising theirs.

Sounds like he sees you as a very convenient cash cow to fund him and his child.

We had a thread recently where a woman walked away and he expected her to continue to fund his children's lifestyle.

The unkindness to animals would be an instant deal breaker to me, and we don't have pets.

Ugly behaviour.

Really? I’ve never seen that on MN and theres certainly no evidence on it this thread unless I’ve missed it

What I have seen on this thread and others are multiple posters, including me, stating that childfree women are better off giving men with kids a swerve completely. Unless they’re massively enthusiastic about being a stepparents.

If anyone is saying women should get with deadbeat dads I definitely do not agree with that.

*men, and indeed women, who want to spend your money on their existing children. Oh, and spend your time by way of expecting childcare whilst they fuck off elsewhere.

That said, it depends entirely upon who exactly is replying.

I completed missed this update last night @citythatneversleeps

His argument is that all of his money goes to his DD. That's totally right and fair, but his preference of home would come at a much greater cost for me - for a child that isn't mine, who has serious issues and violent tendencies. I'd be worried for my dog too. I'm already paying for approx 70% of things we do together - and it's only increasing due to his expenses increasing too.

Walk don’t run away from this situation. I’ve seen this happen so much on MN with childfree women subsidising boyfriends with kids from an early stage and then walking away with nothing.

It’s really not your problem if his money goes to his DD, kudos him for doing what he’s meant to do which is to financially support his daughter, but you’ve only been together for 18 months and you’re not married. That shouldn’t come at your expense. And for him to just assume you’ll be ok to get a “much bigger” place for his daughter because you’ll be bankrolling it is icky.

You certainly have dodged a bullet.

Yes this.

Ignore the step mother haters, there's always loads.

He didn't even have the basic courtesy to tell you he was thinking of doing this.

His Disney dad parenting will make the situation worse not better.

You'll be stuck with a volatile violent teenager who has already attacked a defenceless animal. You'll be walking on eggshells.

He's already using you as a cash machine.

I don’t think he sounds like an amazing Dad at all. He’s not putting his DD first he’s turning her into an even worse brat by promising her things like a bigger house in a nicer area and a pet when she has been violent towards an animal - totally irresponsible and not good parenting.

Watch him do a total u-turn on the idea of having DD full time and probably even 50:50 when it sinks in that OP isn’t going to there to help parent his troubled teen and subsidise this new lifestyle he’s claiming to give her.

@Beekeepingmum I see your point, but I think it’s more a case of knowing what you’re potentially getting into. If you’re willing to be a SM, prepared to care for the child and and possibly financially contribute, that’s fine. If you’re not, or you feel that you’re being taken advantage of (which I think the OP was about to be), it’s best to walk away.

Keep your own space and your own place. Let him do his kids. And join in and sit out as and when.
That's my advice . Not read full thread but got to part with difficult teenage daughter and complicated wider family.
Love.him yes, enjoy the family yes.
Spend Ur whole life in their pressure cooker, no.
Will lead to endless frustration and arguments and pressures.

🤣 just read full thread.
You sound like you know what to do.
Just move on. Exactly.
Let him be a Disney dad with someone elses time and money. Bullet dodged.

Do what’s right for you, leave.

OP you have absolutely done the right thing.

I could not allow someone who has hurt a dog in a rage to be in my house with my dog at all. Not even for a visit. And the glass breaking is also out of control behaviour. And the fact that he takes unilateral decisions regarding living situation/big life stuff is totally unacceptable. Whilst he ought to be a good parent and look after his dd, he cannot take decisions that impact you and then tell you - particularly when you’d be bankrolling most of it.

He shouldn’t be dating anyone IMO. He has an extremely troubled teen and needs to focus on her. Teens very much need their parents, just in a different way to little kids.

Her mother keying your car is the cherry on top really. Totally moronic behaviour, quite obviously being modelled to the child.

Why would you conclude that OP should carry on and see how it goes? She’s not a doormat.

unless you're desperately looking for someone to live with or marry, I'd carry on as you are & see how it goes

I do wish people would read -

As for dating him on the days his daughter isn't around - that's a fair point. But I would like a clean break and to walk away. I wasn't given a heads up about any of these changes in circumstances