Boyfriend's DD custody arrangement/pet. Too much drama ahead?

[citythatneversleeps]

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a daughter who is 14. She's got a few 'temper issues' shall we say. Her school has complained about her angst - and about her lashing out at her friends etc... (won't go into more details). The BM is very much the same in terms of temperament.

I was wary of dating someone with a kid/kids as I'm childfree and the dynamic is, of course, totally different. I had ended things once before as it was just very complex. To be clear, I'm not a 'kid-hater' or anything like that. I just don't have any of my own - and frankly - on the fence.

However, he has a tendency to be a 'Disney Dad' because he was the one who left the marriage. No, he didn't cheat. (No one did). No, I'm not the 'other woman' before anyone asks/assumes...

He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50. He told me as of next month (as in two weeks) time, the arrangement will be formal - 3 nights overnights - and that he hopes she'll move in full-time with him - in a year or so. He is concerned about her behaviour and feels that she will be happier with him. Obviously this full-time moving in plan is all (his) speculation/hopes, but the other stuff (3x overnights) is cemented. He didn't even tell me that any of this was going on in the background until the overnights were cemented. He came in all happy whilst telling me, so I didn't even have a chance to process it all.

He's also promised her a pet as a way to lift her spirits/ease her angst as well as pretty much anything else she wants.

I'm obviously happy for him given this latest 'living arrangement' development. This is great for them and it goes without saying, that I hope they work through all the angst/issues together. She is already in therapy 2x week.

The thing is, he and I had plans to move in together. Yes, plans can change and it's not the end of the world if that were to be the case, but he didn't even mention how that would work....? We spoke today and he said we could find a bigger place together - which of course, would be far more expensive - and since we are both buying together, I'd have to spend far more than I anticipated. Or that we could move in together once she's at University...?! But that's in 3 years time...?!

I don't see my relationship with him working as a result. The entire dynamic would change and the girl is quite violent at times.

On the pet side... I have an old rescue dog and one of the times she lashed out a year ago, she stamped on a dog's tail (not my dog's tail, to be clear!) If he gets her a dog/cat, I'm worried about any poor animal in that house.

AIBU to want to respectfully walk away from all this? All I see is drama ahead - and I'm beyond annoyed that (whilst I have no 'right' to be involved in their family arrangements) it changes my plans, changes things for me financially, changes my relationship - and more... He has a tendency to act first and think second - and this is a big deal for me, but doesn't seem to be a big deal to him. He thinks I should 'look on the bright side' etc...

I know that when you are seeing someone with a kid/kids - anything could happen - and life could change. A parent could pass away, for example... so in some ways I should have seen this coming. Thankfully, we are not living together, don't have any joint finances etc... so an easy exit would be on the cards.

I would never want to get between a father and a child. The needs of the child should come first. Obviously. But I do also want to be able to live a life somewhat similar to what I had envisioned too. This wouldn't be it. Whilst I don't have a kid, I wouldn't put my rescue dog in an environment where he could be on the receiving end of any poor treatment.

Sorry for the long post.

Walk away now..trust me it's so not worth the stress

Agreed. He doesn't know that. He just assumes she would. Happy to remain amicable and friends as he's a good person, but it's just not the life I'd want. He's always very optimistic, which is a great thing sometimes, but I'm more of a realist and plan for other 'outcomes'. You can't plan for everything in life, of course - but I do think you can preempt certain things going off course and plan accordingly.

I would be swerving this one. Why didn’t he give you a FYI with you beforehand and try to discuss what would happen with your moving in plans? But to be fair l would rather stick pins in my eyes than live with someone else’s children

You sound very sensible, OP.
You even sound like you’re putting your BF’s daughter first.
Like you, I don’t see much future in this for you at this stage, but maybe at some point later on you can reconnect with your boyfriend.
I wish you good luck.

As above.

He's not asked for your opinion, just announced his decision. No wonder his ex used to fly off the handle.

Dial things down and slowly step back. This is not your circus and the last thing you want is a ring seat.

If you hate delivering bullets, tell him you want to give him time to focus on his DD and go do other things. Why not revisit what you did before you spent time with him.

It’s not selfish at all to not want to deal with this. It was perhaps naive to think you could move in with him and he could still keep his relationship with you and his child largely separate.

Men with kids are men with kids or at least they should be. If they have minor children but those children aren’t an all consuming, time-sucking, yet amazing part of their daily lives, then you should run far away because those men are assholes.

you need a man with no children or one whose children are fully launched. If he has fully launched kids, find out what kind of grandparent he hopes to be because you may find your house hosting babies.

This.

He doesn't see you as a priority.
Of course his child comes first and you'll always be second best but that will impact you too much.

Free yourself and find someone child free 🤣

Hi. Yes, I've met her. She's generally ok, but still speaks like a baby and smashed a glass in my home after her Dad told her to avoid screen time at dinner. As awful as it sounds, my concern at the time was my dog stepping on the glass with his paws. Since then, I haven't seen her again. That was 3 (almost 4) weeks ago.

Prior to that incident, there have been similar but less scary incidents. Other times, she's been perfectly pleasant and nice.

The mother sadly has issues and was caught on my 'Ring' camera keying my car - to name one night. Yes. Really.

I, too, don't trust men when they do the whole 'my ex was crazy' thing. I think: 'Are you just saying that?' or 'What did you do to make them crazy?!'

The mother sadly has issues and was caught on my 'Ring' camera keying my car - to name one night. Yes. Really.

She’s not THE mother she’s a mother, the mum of your boyfriends daughter, She’s also not a birth mother, she’s the mum of your boyfriends daughter.

You're probably best to walk away now as if this is how you’re referring to your boyfriends DD’s mum now things are only going to get worse in the future. It seems a very messy situation and from what you’ve posted not one you’d want to get involved in.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. He has a responsibility towards his daughter and needs to put her first, BUT this doesn’t mean you have to suffer. I’d cut my losses if I were you, seems way too much hassle. There are other men out there with way less complications.

The fact you are willing to walk away, so quickly kind of tells me that you’re not that into him anyway and moving in with somebody after just 18 months is way too soon in my opinion
I also think buying a house after just 18 months together is also too soon
you could still be with him, but not live with him. as others have said you can date him on the days his daughter is not there.
if you were a man, and this was a woman, I think some of the comments would be very different
I think the best option is to leave him as you’re probably not in love
find somebody without kids ( although I feel like everyone has kids these days )

It's actually really refreshing to find a woman in your situation, that is prepared to walk away, and not expect the boyfriend to put you, rather than his child first. I really do think that the best thing for you is to walk away from this OP, you and your boyfriend are in two totally different phases of life. Give him the chance to give his teenaged daughter his love and attention, at a point in her life where she really needs it, and give yourself, the chance to find a partner who is looking for the same things in life that you are. They are out there, so please don't settle for anything other than Mr Right.

I am definitely not moving in with him 18 months in. I said in my OP that we had plans to move in together - at least a year or more down the line - but that, of course, coincides with him wanting his DD full-time. That, rightly, should be his priority (as I also said). We haven't started looking yet!

However, he said want a much bigger place than we anticipated (as well in a different neighbourhood) as he wants her to move schools and that (unsurprisingly) comes with higher costs. The place/style we had in mind prior to this FT move would have, of course, accommodated his daughter anyway, so this sudden jump in expenses/neighbourhood/lifestyle just doesn't work for me.

I want him to do what's best for him and his daughter. As he should.

Don't give it a second thought OP.
You would be mad to stick around.

She keyed her car. Who cares what she’s called.

In what ways do you think the comments would be different? I for one wouldn’t encourage a man without kids to be with a woman who has kids if he’s not massively enthusiastic about step-parenting.

Mostly for the children’s sake but also for his. As a former educator I grew sick of hearing from children at being forced to live with men and women (their parents partners) that made them feel unwanted or uncomfortable be it intentionally or not .

I think people should think very carefully about getting with people with kids if they don’t have them. Just read the step-parenting boards on here. It’s really not for everyone.

And while sure, a lot of people 30+ have kids plenty don’t. I’ve never dated a man with kids and I date men 33-45. It’s my non-negotiable.

As for dating him on the days his daughter isn't around - that's a fair point. But I would like a clean break and to walk away. I wasn't given a heads up about any of these changes in circumstances - and that's ok. I can deal with that. I can also respectfully walk away from the whole thing.

I didn't also react to my car being keyed by the mother etc... just didn't want the drama/hassle. Kept the proof, of course. I can foresee more drama ahead - so I'd be 'ok' with leaving all that behind at this point.

His daughter is clearly not coping well - and as her father, he should be there for her in every way possible. I'm happy to remain on good terms with him, but I've certainly emotionally detached as more and more stuff has transpired.

This.

His troubled teen daughter's welfare and future is his first priority. Her feeling settled, safe and comfortable are his driving force at the moment. And that's good. Shows a man who loves and cares and is being responsible for her at a very difficult time.

I don't think a pet is a good idea at the moment. Pets aren't there to help regulate temper, behaviour and mood. They should only be in the mix when it's save for them to be, and it may not yet be safe.

This is not a good time for you to consider moving in together.

I'd say your own place with your own pet for now. Let that settle for a few years. See how your relationship with him develops, then consider again when she's older and more independent and mature, hopefully off leading her own life, whether you want a future with him.

Getting involved with men with dependent age children, whether they live with them or not, is ALWAYS going to involve compromise and not always ideal situations, and it's important to accept that.

Wise decision to to walk away OP and make a clean break. YANBU.

It’s all very well people talking about love, but you also need to love yourself.

You’re child free and you don’t need to settle for being with a man you have to avoid half the week or dealing with a hostile ex or challenging teen, if that’s not what you want.

His daughter will be, and rightly so, his priority. And it could easily change to her living there more than half the week - so counting on seeing him on the days his daughters not there is a terrible idea.

Why wait around for the crumbs of his time?
If you choose to have kids later on, that’s your choice but right now this isn’t the lifestyle you chose. women are constantly being told in more ways than one they need to be accommodating and put everyone else’s needs first, instead of going for what they want and it’s sad.

Many thanks for your comment. It's great/wonderful that he wants to be there for his daughter - as he should! There are many awful parents/troubled children in the world - we hear horror stories almost daily. So I respect and admire him for being a good parent. The relationship just isn't compatible with my life/life plans, that's all. It's not the life and/or relationship I envisioned for myself. No need for any nasty breakup or arguments etc...

I agree regarding the pet - and I do hope it doesn't end badly.

If the relationship comes back around in another time period, then we will see. But I've been slowly detaching as is.

Thankfully, it is an 'easy exit' for me. Could be a LOT worse!

I think you’d be perfectly reasonable to say you don’t see yourself in the picture he paints. The girl sounds troubled, and what she needs is a stable environment ideally one-on-one with each parent no time for that to settle. To be honest, I don’t envy any of the parties involved, and I imagine it won’t be an easy transition. So best to step away now.

This.

I don't think any man is worth taking on his shifty ex and bratty children. Throw this one back for sure. Why should you shell out more money for a situation that would not benefit you but make your daily life miserable ?

The BM

Do you mean her mother?

He's now (without telling me) cemented a formal arrangement that is 50/50.

He doesn't need to inform you nor get your permission to see his child.