Everyone given gold award except DD

dancschmance · 2024-07-12T16:03:30+00:00

DD (aged 8) has attended an after school dance club this term. I thought it was just a bit of fun and a good way to get some exercise etc. It’s certainly never been presented as competitive or serious. She’s loved it and was very happy and enthusiastic to go every week. She’s come home from the last session today in tears. Apparently at the end of the class they were all given attainment awards. According to DD, every single other child was given gold except her - she got silver. I fully admit that DD probably isn’t the best dancer there (she has inherited my coordination skills!) but she’s tried really hard and been fully committed to the club. I had absolutely no idea that they were going to be “graded” at the end of term and had I known this would happen I would not have signed her up. It’s completely ruined the experience for her and feels like she’s been singled out as the “worst” dancer. Am I being unreasonable or was this is a really mean and unnecessary approach from the dance teacher? It’s not the olympics - they’re 8 year olds at an extra curricular club!

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/07/2024 17:04

Are you absolutely SURE that "every other child" got gold?

pinkyredrose · 12/07/2024 17:05

Have you checked that this actually happened as she said it did?

Original poster

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:06

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/07/2024 17:04

Are you absolutely SURE that "every other child" got gold?

No - I’ve emailed the school (politely!) to double check DD’s account of it before I decide what to do next. But DD came out with a group of her 4 closest friends and all of them had received gold awards.

OP posts:

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/07/2024 17:09

I'd chat to the leader and find out why. Have the other kids been at the club longer? Are there specific criteria for achieving gold?

If there's a good reason, i'd explain it to DD, that sometimes you have to work towards these things. If they really just arbitrarily excluded one child, id drop out of the club and make my feelings known.

BrokenWing · 12/07/2024 17:14

Might not have been every child.... we have all been there where they didn't get put up a group in swimming, got the next belt in karate when their friends did, or got subbed at football.

Its our job to help them deal with feelings of disappointment, accepting sometimes others are better than you and silver is great too, pointing out their strengths, and just giving them a hug.

Its not great you didn't know about the awards so you could have prepared her, but not major either. Avoiding them and anything where she won't get a "gold" would have be worse.

Original poster

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:19

BrokenWing · 12/07/2024 17:14

Might not have been every child.... we have all been there where they didn't get put up a group in swimming, got the next belt in karate when their friends did, or got subbed at football.

Its our job to help them deal with feelings of disappointment, accepting sometimes others are better than you and silver is great too, pointing out their strengths, and just giving them a hug.

Its not great you didn't know about the awards so you could have prepared her, but not major either. Avoiding them and anything where she won't get a "gold" would have be worse.

If there’s been a misunderstanding and it wasn’t that every single other child got gold and DD was the only one who didn’t, then I wouldn’t feel as strongly.

There have already been several instances where she’s been disappointed e.g. not getting the part she wanted in the school play, not getting picked to be school council rep etc. Completely agree that they need to learn this is how life works and we can’t always be the best.

However my understanding is that she was the ONLY one singled out for the lower award and everyone else got gold. That completely changes things in my opinion and I think it’s really unnecessary.

OP posts:

BarcardiWithGadaffia · 12/07/2024 17:34

What would be the point in the awards if they just give everyone gold?

Obviously it's hard on your child if they are the only one not at the gold standard and you'd be right not to go back but you can't expect to get the top award simply because everyone else is

NewDay00 · 12/07/2024 17:34

If its a stage they had to meet and she hasn't.....what do you expect them to do?

UKsounding · 12/07/2024 17:36

As a mother of a kid who was involved in a subjectively scored sport (figure skating/ice dance) for many years, you have got to re-think how you react to coloured shiny stickers or bits of plastic with your daughter. It is best if you simply don't react to it and certainly minimise the whole thing.
Praise your daughter for effort rather than achievement - every week, not just at the end of term. It started at your daughter's age - when my dd came in from, in our case skating, I would say "best effort?" and she would usually respond with "nothing left on the ice!" which is a Canadian ice hockey saying when team gives a game 100% and we would leave it at that. It didn't immediately matter about what went well or badly or what a coach said about anything.

When she competed, we had the same exchange, and when the scores came up they really didn't matter because she had given it her best effort and was happy with herself - that is what was/is important. She is at university now, doing a really challenging, competitive course, and she will still ring me to tell me she had an exam and left nothing on the ice. She is coaching little ones, and I often hear her ask a little one who fell again whether it was her best effort?, exchange a high-five and set her up to try again. It makes me smile.

TLDR; If we want our kids to stick things out and try again, we have to teach them to not judge themselves based on the opinions or achievements of others, but on whether they had given it their best effort and to be willing to pick themselves up and go again. The way your dd sees you react to her silver award teaches her how to deal with the disappointments that inevitably are to come in life. Focus on HER efforts and HER victories and don't engage with what others get and she won't either.

taylorswift1989 · 12/07/2024 17:37

It's not really fair on the other kids who got a gold star if the kid who is nowhere near as hardworking/skilled/practised as them gets gold too. It makes it completely meaningless - might as well give them all nothing.

I agree it would be upsetting for your kid, though. I'd hope the teacher thought about it carefully and it was based on an assessment of some kind.

Original poster

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:39

BarcardiWithGadaffia · 12/07/2024 17:34

What would be the point in the awards if they just give everyone gold?

Obviously it's hard on your child if they are the only one not at the gold standard and you'd be right not to go back but you can't expect to get the top award simply because everyone else is

What’s the point in the awards at all? I thought it was just a fun club who children who enjoyed dance.

For all the children who got gold, there’s nothing special about it - pretty much everyone else got the same.

For DD, who’s the only one who didn’t get gold - she now feels she’s been personally singled out as the worst one there.

Seems like a losing situation all round to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:41

UKsounding · 12/07/2024 17:36

As a mother of a kid who was involved in a subjectively scored sport (figure skating/ice dance) for many years, you have got to re-think how you react to coloured shiny stickers or bits of plastic with your daughter. It is best if you simply don't react to it and certainly minimise the whole thing.
Praise your daughter for effort rather than achievement - every week, not just at the end of term. It started at your daughter's age - when my dd came in from, in our case skating, I would say "best effort?" and she would usually respond with "nothing left on the ice!" which is a Canadian ice hockey saying when team gives a game 100% and we would leave it at that. It didn't immediately matter about what went well or badly or what a coach said about anything.

When she competed, we had the same exchange, and when the scores came up they really didn't matter because she had given it her best effort and was happy with herself - that is what was/is important. She is at university now, doing a really challenging, competitive course, and she will still ring me to tell me she had an exam and left nothing on the ice. She is coaching little ones, and I often hear her ask a little one who fell again whether it was her best effort?, exchange a high-five and set her up to try again. It makes me smile.

TLDR; If we want our kids to stick things out and try again, we have to teach them to not judge themselves based on the opinions or achievements of others, but on whether they had given it their best effort and to be willing to pick themselves up and go again. The way your dd sees you react to her silver award teaches her how to deal with the disappointments that inevitably are to come in life. Focus on HER efforts and HER victories and don't engage with what others get and she won't either.

But this isn’t a “subjectively scored sport”. It’s a (supposedly) fun extra curricular activity which she’s done for 30 minutes every Friday for a few weeks after school.

OP posts:

AllIThinkAbourIsKarma · 12/07/2024 17:41

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NewDay00 · 12/07/2024 17:42

You'd be better teaching her about things like this that happen in life, rather than being "that Mum".

NeedToChangeName · 12/07/2024 17:43

UKsounding · 12/07/2024 17:36

As a mother of a kid who was involved in a subjectively scored sport (figure skating/ice dance) for many years, you have got to re-think how you react to coloured shiny stickers or bits of plastic with your daughter. It is best if you simply don't react to it and certainly minimise the whole thing.
Praise your daughter for effort rather than achievement - every week, not just at the end of term. It started at your daughter's age - when my dd came in from, in our case skating, I would say "best effort?" and she would usually respond with "nothing left on the ice!" which is a Canadian ice hockey saying when team gives a game 100% and we would leave it at that. It didn't immediately matter about what went well or badly or what a coach said about anything.

When she competed, we had the same exchange, and when the scores came up they really didn't matter because she had given it her best effort and was happy with herself - that is what was/is important. She is at university now, doing a really challenging, competitive course, and she will still ring me to tell me she had an exam and left nothing on the ice. She is coaching little ones, and I often hear her ask a little one who fell again whether it was her best effort?, exchange a high-five and set her up to try again. It makes me smile.

TLDR; If we want our kids to stick things out and try again, we have to teach them to not judge themselves based on the opinions or achievements of others, but on whether they had given it their best effort and to be willing to pick themselves up and go again. The way your dd sees you react to her silver award teaches her how to deal with the disappointments that inevitably are to come in life. Focus on HER efforts and HER victories and don't engage with what others get and she won't either.

@UKsounding that's such good advice, well said

modgepodge · 12/07/2024 17:44

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:39

What’s the point in the awards at all? I thought it was just a fun club who children who enjoyed dance.

For all the children who got gold, there’s nothing special about it - pretty much everyone else got the same.

For DD, who’s the only one who didn’t get gold - she now feels she’s been personally singled out as the worst one there.

Seems like a losing situation all round to me.

Show quote history

I agree with you. If you’d signed her up to something obviously competitive and she didn’t meet the standard that’s one thing. But I wouldn’t expect dancers to get awards like this at the end of term, unless it was a ballet exam or something they were consciously working towards with objective criteria, and you could have prepped her for not getting the top award or whatever. I think if she is the only one not getting gold that is a bit sad in this situation.

sugarapplelane · 12/07/2024 17:48

I think you need to teach your child resilience from an early age.
This sort of thing is going to happen time after time. Life isn’t fair. And the earlier your child gets used to this the better. We can’t all be winners.
But I would get your facts straight before going in all guns blazing. Kids tend to exaggerate and what she means by “all kids got gold” probably means “her closest friends all got gold and she hasn’t got a clue about the others”

taylorswift1989 · 12/07/2024 17:48

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:39

What’s the point in the awards at all? I thought it was just a fun club who children who enjoyed dance.

For all the children who got gold, there’s nothing special about it - pretty much everyone else got the same.

For DD, who’s the only one who didn’t get gold - she now feels she’s been personally singled out as the worst one there.

Seems like a losing situation all round to me.

Show quote history

Hmm, in that case, it does sound unfair.

I'd check first of all that it's right, and then ask the teacher what the rationale was, and why it wasn't explained that there was a competitive element when your DD started.

TheCultureHusks · 12/07/2024 17:49

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:39

What’s the point in the awards at all? I thought it was just a fun club who children who enjoyed dance.

For all the children who got gold, there’s nothing special about it - pretty much everyone else got the same.

For DD, who’s the only one who didn’t get gold - she now feels she’s been personally singled out as the worst one there.

Seems like a losing situation all round to me.

Show quote history

I’d agree with this!

No point in all getting gold.

Possibly even less point in singling out JUST ONE child to not get gold - gold’s already run of the mill, but let’s also pop in a nice bit of ‘someone’s the odd one out’. Lovely.

AllIThinkAbourIsKarma · 12/07/2024 17:49

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StopInhalingRevels · 12/07/2024 17:49

According to DD, every single other child was given gold except her - she got silver.

Until you have clarification other than "8yr old DD says..." you need to calm down.

If it turns out she was the only one who didn't get the top mark, then by all means ask why, but not as that parent at the obvious insanity that your child didn't get gold. They may well have been making a point to her that she didn't do something that everyone else did, eg listen well, behave well etc

StripyHorse · 12/07/2024 17:50

Is gold awarded because the dancers meet set criteria? In which case if she didn't meet that, but the others did then what is the teacher to do?

If it is just subjective though, then that does seem really harsh OP.

UKsounding · 12/07/2024 17:50

dancschmance · 12/07/2024 17:41

But this isn’t a “subjectively scored sport”. It’s a (supposedly) fun extra curricular activity which she’s done for 30 minutes every Friday for a few weeks after school.

Show quote history

I think that you missed the point. Whether you think that the teacher organising the extra curricular activity should have sent home awards is besides the point - they did and the award happened and your dd experienced disappointment and you can't change any of that. All you can control is how you respond to the situation.

Your child will bring home awards and reports and things the teacher/friend said about them and test scores and school reports and and.... for the next decade and beyond. Always praise effort(!) and don't engage the mark/letter grade/colour of the sticker. It will save you both a lot of heartache.

WindsurfingDreams · 12/07/2024 17:50

I would wait and check facts first. I have lost count of the times "everyone else" in reality meant a handful of people

Noseybookworm · 12/07/2024 17:51

I wouldn't normally complain to school about things like this but if you find out that your DD was the only one of the whole group to get a silver and every other child got a gold, I would not be happy. It completely devalues a gold award anyway if every child bar one gets a gold! I think giving out awards for an after school dance class is ridiculous anyway. I'd have a word with the dance teacher and ask her what's the purpose of these awards? And point out to her that she's made a little 8 year old girl who was just there to enjoy dancing feel like shit 😠 I feel quite cross on your behalf!