Everyone given gold award except DD

[dancschmance]

DD (aged 8) has attended an after school dance club this term. I thought it was just a bit of fun and a good way to get some exercise etc. It’s certainly never been presented as competitive or serious.

She’s loved it and was very happy and enthusiastic to go every week.

She’s come home from the last session today in tears. Apparently at the end of the class they were all given attainment awards. According to DD, every single other child was given gold except her - she got silver.

I fully admit that DD probably isn’t the best dancer there (she has inherited my coordination skills!) but she’s tried really hard and been fully committed to the club. I had absolutely no idea that they were going to be “graded” at the end of term and had I known this would happen I would not have signed her up. It’s completely ruined the experience for her and feels like she’s been singled out as the “worst” dancer.

Am I being unreasonable or was this is a really mean and unnecessary approach from the dance teacher? It’s not the olympics - they’re 8 year olds at an extra curricular club!

I can praise effort and control how I respond to the situation in front of DD (which I am doing) and still feel that the teacher’s approach was unreasonable and unnecessary, though.

If it is attainment award then if they haven't reached the standard they haven't reached the standard. That is an age they start to move from participation awards for all to standards.

No set criteria as far as I’m aware - I only found out about the awards today. They’re not following a recognised syllabus or anything, it’s just a casual after school dance club.

UK sounding advice is spot on. Competition is part of life. Building her self esteem by choosing to highlight her efforts is the best way to encourage her to feel good about herself. Focusing on the gold award of others is the wrong way to do this. What do you hope to get from complaining? They give her a gold because you complain? They stop giving out awards?

I think if you weren't looking for her to be graded or scored against the others in this way then it's not the fact she got silver, it's just the whole concept. Of pitting people against eachother.
It feels as if the teacher should've offered different awards for each child, if they wanted to be inclusive. But I know the dance world, once it gets even vaguely serious can be massively competitive.
Just ask her if she wants to go to a different class instead? Don't make too much out of the fact others may or may not have got 'gold'. It should be framed more than you didn't expect that when you signed her up.

I’ve actually already signed her up for next term as she’s enjoyed it so much. So I want to understand if this really is what happened and if so give her the option of pulling out and trying a different class/sport club which is just for fun and exercise.

Did anyone ever tell your dd that the class was working towards an award, @dancschmance, or what the criteria were for the different levels? How could she achieve a gold award, if no-one had told her what she needed to do to get one, or where her dance needed improvement, to bring her up to that level.

It would be cruel to give a child no guidance or feedback, and then give her a lower award, when they hadn’t given her the feedback to get the better award, so if this is the case, this is what I would complain about.

YANBU. There’s a place for grading and this isn’t it. If she wanted to join a graded class or take dance exams, she could have.
Imagine turning up to your weekly Zumba class or similar that you do for a bit of fun and you get handed a certificate that lets you know you aren’t as good as the others 😂 😳

What are you going to do if the teacher says that they your daughter isn't as good as the others?

You've already said she has inherited your awkwardness, so it's quite conceivable that she isn't as good as the other girls in her class.

That's life. She may not be good at dancing but she enjoys taking part and that's the important thing at the beginner stage.

If you can't convey that to her then she will feel like a 'loser' when she hasn't lost anything at all.

There will be other things that she will excel at and maybe some of her friends won't.

My younger sister came last in every gymkhana for years when we were children but our parents made her laugh about it and she just enjoyed taking part and was pleased for me, our brother and our older sister if we did well.

Hope you won't make her give up dancing because you feel slighted.

I wouldn't have signed her up

But, she enjoyed it?

She's grown, she's learned something, she's experienced that life isn't always fair and sometimes adults can be unexpectedly mean. These are worthwhile lessons.

What's the point in giving more than one person, gold? They're either 'the best' or they're not. What's the point in grading at all if that's the case?

The organisation have followed convention of gold/silver (and bronze?) so why have they adjusted it to give more than one person gold?

If most of the children got gold then it's a bit of a nonsense anyway... and these are children. Why not give them all gold for this dancing?

For a kid who doesn't have great coordination, non competitive fun activities are great. Both for enjoyment and exercise.

You signed up to this club on the assumption it was non competitive and so now to have grades is a shock. YABNU to ask more questions.

YANBU. They shouldn’t give awards for attainment when the club wasn’t billed as that sort of class.

However, do check about the "everyone else" bit - children sometimes say because that’s how it seemed to them, but it might not actually be the case. Also - and please don’t be insulted by this - could it possibly be that your daughter hasn’t behaved well in the classes?

I cannot think of any sport that doesn't measure improvement or competition and my DC have done a lot.

Sport teaches resilience and is very worthwhile learning from a young age to try your best but someone's someone is better, faster, stronger, etc.

It was supposed to be a non-competitive after school club. Unless OP didn’t realise it was competitive then I think the awards were unnecessary.

If she was actually the only one in the entire group not to get gold that seems unfair. While it's right that we can't win everything everytime, if everyone else is getting gold it's definitely mean to single one person out for something different.

I’ve actually already signed her up for next term as she’s enjoyed it so much. So I want to understand if this really is what happened and if so give her the option of pulling out and trying a different class/sport club which is just for fun and exercise.

Sounds very sensible/.

My DP signed me up to what they thought was a fun dance class - I was uncoordinated - turns out I have dyspraxia - other girls from my school joined - then there were prizes and shows - all of which I was very brave about being excluded from and my parenst played down. I wasn't allows to swap to tap and parents couldn't afford they extra lessons pushed. I was kept down when rest of school friends - and then that started coming up in school then turned into bullying.

It was awful but parents didn't want me to stop - started delaying getting there and saying I was ill. Put me off joining and trying new things.

If it's competitive leave - find another style of class or something else - we found fun ones for our DC so they are out there.

I'll be very surprised if her definition of "everybody else" extends beyond her own friendship group. Did they perhaps all get gold while she was awarded silver?
If your daughter is correct, I'd also think it was harsh and humiliating. Did she join the group at a later stage than the rest of the class, and so hasn't met all of the criteria yet?

Can you reframe this, OP, and use it as a life lesson? Something along the lines of doing things because we love doing them and to hell with those who'd grade us and put us in competition with each other when the only thing that matters is enjoying yourself? Have a little laugh about it, silly teachers not appreciating her dancing... My mum did something similar when I wasn't much older than your daughter. I loved playing team sports — netball, rounders, hockey — but wasn poorly physically coordinated and not terribly fast. I was given positions that just involved charging around but I never scored and I knew I wasn't that good. My lovely DM taught me it's about participating and having fun, not always about winning.

Obviously I wasn’t there AND I am her mum so am very biased 😉. I will wait and see what the teacher says but if it’s behaviour related then I will be absolutely amazed as poor behaviour has never been flagged as an issue at school or in any other club she attends, and I’m as sure as I can be that she’s tried really hard.

Perhaps there are certain moves and things they have to master and when you do so you reach certain levels like with swimming levels. Possibly your DD hasn't been able to do one certain level and the others have. Why not ask how the assessments are made and against what criteria.

Yiu said she came out with 4 friends who had gold. Unless there are only 5 in the class then you simply do not knkw that everyone else got gold.

Perhaps just ask the teacher how they are assessed and let her know that you hadn't been made aware that there were assessments. It is quite usual and even at the age of 6 my son was assessed for levels for modern and ballet. But could only pass certain levels once he could consistently do certain moves to an appropriate skill level.

Well technically this is dance but a PP mentioned Zumba - something for fun and fitness.

Obviously in certain cases a grading is necessary, to progress to the next level. And individual feedback should be provided.

But if this was billed as a dance class for 'fun' I see no reason for any sort of competitive grading.

Agreed, it's very clear when you start choosing dance schools that there are schools that take it seriously (whether competitions/performances /exams or a mixture) and "just for fun" classes and most people make a conscious choice which type is right for their child

The Zumba analogy is spot on!

I think you are getting a hard time here, you signed your daughter up to what you thought was a fun extra curricular activity, not a dance club.