Everyone given gold award except DD

[dancschmance]

DD (aged 8) has attended an after school dance club this term. I thought it was just a bit of fun and a good way to get some exercise etc. It’s certainly never been presented as competitive or serious.

She’s loved it and was very happy and enthusiastic to go every week.

She’s come home from the last session today in tears. Apparently at the end of the class they were all given attainment awards. According to DD, every single other child was given gold except her - she got silver.

I fully admit that DD probably isn’t the best dancer there (she has inherited my coordination skills!) but she’s tried really hard and been fully committed to the club. I had absolutely no idea that they were going to be “graded” at the end of term and had I known this would happen I would not have signed her up. It’s completely ruined the experience for her and feels like she’s been singled out as the “worst” dancer.

Am I being unreasonable or was this is a really mean and unnecessary approach from the dance teacher? It’s not the olympics - they’re 8 year olds at an extra curricular club!

You seem very upset about this. Why would you pull her out from a club she enjoys? your dd will learn a lot from how you react to these kinds of disappointments. If you said wow silver you should be so proud of how much effort you put into your dancing. I know how much you live it which is so important. Then move on. She would not have given it a second thought.

Agree. I hate it when club leaders are disorganised/ give unclear goals - always leads to completely unnecessary disappointment.

I think it depends if it's a subjective award by the teacher, or whether there are criteria for people to meet, and she met the ones for silver, but not gold.

You said she'd been going for a term, have the others been going for longer?

I can understand why she and you would be upset if it was subjective, but if there are various criteria to meet, then it's just a case of working towards getting them and she should be encouraged to go back next term and do just that.

You’re not being unreasonable, they should have made it clear they were being assessed as that changes things.

Thanks - I’m going to adopt this..😀

If you've already signed her up for next term, don't pull her out. This sends the message that it's OK to quit when times get hard or things don't go her way.

This is an opportunity to show resilience (especially as she enjoys the club), and resilience is a life skill that brings it's own successes.

I don't even care if there are 'criteria'. An adult dance teacher singling one child out as 'worst' is petty and spiteful. i would absolutely want to give them a slow hand clap for ruining my DDs joy.

She's only been going for 'a few weeks'.

Have the others been going for longer?

I think tread carefully because whenever parents complain to me about something, they usually end up looking like idiots.

There are lots of acceptable scenarios - the awards were explained to dd when she started, they work on weekly objectives and she hasn't been there long enough to achieve them, she was told when she was given the award why she didn't achieve gold, 50% of the class got silver.

I just don't think it will turn out to be 'evil tutor cackled as she downgraded dd to silver and pointed out that she was the only one who had failed to achieve gold.'

If you run a club, you like kids and want them to enjoy it. She'll explain, appease you, and then avoid you forever.

It’s only been running for a term so the others haven’t been there longer.

If there’s a good reason for it then fair enough, I will listen and accept that the scenario isn’t as bad as I thought.

If it really has happened as I think it has then I don’t really care if she avoids me forever as I’ll be avoiding her too!

It's all very well saying it's good for resilience, but if you know you've got a sensitive kid who's been knocked back in lots of areas, so you choose a club that's just for fun- enjoying yourself and having fun- then getting graded at the end of it totally undermines the point!

It's all very well if your DC learnt resilience by getting better at something they had found challenging. Some kids haven't had much success yet and need a bit of a boost or some light relief. Not yet another failure.

Horrible having a value judgement placed upon you without you knowing it is even taking place. It would be fine if it was an exam that she had worked towards and she could feel like it was an achievement even if others scored more highly, but to be judged for turning up and doing her stuff and found lacking compared to the others is gutting and undermining. Also if the criteria are a complete mystery to the children, it is of no value at all. At DD's dance school they have some awards for the younger ones where I think they get stickers for doing things like helping a friend, trying a new step. Sweet constructive things that they can all achieve and feel good about.

But you don’t know this.
You don’t know if they singled one child out.
don’t be so dramatic.
Wait till you get the full picture from the Op before firing on all cylinders.
Kids often exaggerate and say all when they mean a few

I’m with you OP.
While I don’t believe in participation trophies I think being the only one singled out otherwise would feel awful.
(Flashbacks to being graded silver minus in PE class while every one else got silver! I wasn’t confident enough apparently. Wonder why.)

It sounds like one of those unfortunate tough lessons we have to help our children through. Ask the teacher discretely what the situation was and only say that daughter told you everyone but her got gold and you want to help her deal with it as she felt she had failed and you just want the details so you can explain it to her. Do not do or say anything else to the teacher about it. It's one of many many lessons to learn, for us as parents, too. (Which is often harder!) 💕

I am on the fence a bit.

To give all kids a gold is pointless if some are better than others. It teaches them nothing.

But did it NEED scoring and medals? A fun after school activity - maybe not.

I think I am with OP, it was harsh in this instance.

It would have been OK if OPand DD knew from the outset that she was working towards targets

Really? Just because your kid didn’t get gold when others did?
Why do so many people just jump to conclusions and think the worst rather than just shrugging, oh well, this is life and move on.
Puck your battles and I don’t think this one is worth picking.

My DD was part of a dance school for years. She was ok at dance, but not stellar so rarely got picked for festivals and competitions like the others did. Yes, I was upset for her, but also told her that she’s good at other things like academics. Teach her about resilience, not about being combative if others get something and you don’t

This is beautiful. I actually will take this if you don't mind as something to use with my girl as she gets older.

DD "I only got a silver and everyone else got gold"
Me "You got silver? That's amazing! And in your first term doing any dance too. I am SO proud of you"

How you feel is much less important than how you make DD feel about it.

Completely agree with you, OP, it's' a really shitty thing of them to do. Imagine as an adult finding that all your colleagues but you had been given a gold award or a pay rise or a promotion or whatever. You'd feel utterly crap. The only possible impact of this can be to make one child distressed and humiliated, without even having the benefit of making the other kids feel good.

But it’s a club that’s part of the school, not a specialist activity that encourages long term investment and competition value. I think that’s the key difference here - I’d expect school clubs just to be a ‘bit of fun’, especially aged 8. Even if they school was hoping to build some sort of dance team for intersectional competition, end of term certificates where one child is singled out isn’t the way to ‘raise their game’. I was part of a competitive hobby at school, this would never have happened - it’s humiliating if @dancschmance child truly was the only one to get a ‘silver’ award.

The building of self esteem comes from trying an activity beyond school hours, and if it was me I’d not want a small school activity to be giving out certificates of how well you’ve been doing at the end of it. Completely takes away from the ‘fun’ aspect.

I just don’t think that’s comparable though, because:

a) presumably you knew you’d signed her up for a competitive dance school? Unlike this one, which (to my knowledge) has only ever been presented as a bit of fun.
b) I’m guessing your child wasn’t the ONLY child not picked for festivals/competitions?

I highly doubt she was the only one who got silver, likely she just saw it that way as her closest friends all got gold.

Is it all stupid? Yeah. But honestly if she really enjoys it, who cares? Teach her to keep going for the enjoyment. The amount of things I enjoyed that I dropped out of because I was humiliated by not being the best as a kid - it was so stupid of me. Teach her some resilience and that actually, not being the best at something doesn’t matter, what matters is her enjoyment of it. Thats literally all that matters. The rest is null and void.

Absolutely! I agree. I think we also need to consider the attitude we want our children to develop towards being active and keeping fit. So many people avoid going to the gym or doing any kind of sport or fitness related activity because they worry they will be judged for not being good at it. I want my children to enjoy being active so that they develop healthy lifestyles. The OP's daughter was not attending a competitive dance school, it was a bit of after school fun. I hope this does not put her off taking up an active hobby in the future.

I do agree with what you’re saying about resilience. The key thing though is I’m not upset about DD not being “the best” (and neither is she - even at 8 she knows that she’s not the best dancer in the group). But I think being told you’re “not the best” is a world away from being told you’re the worst, which is far more damaging for your confidence.

I’m sure there are dance classes out there which are more inclusive than that and I’d rather she went to one of those than carry on with this one.

I can’t stand this gleeful ‘teach her about resilience’ bollocks. She signed up for FUN. Not demoralisation. That isn’t going to boost anyone’s resilience - it’ll just make them withdraw. Which is where the unfairness lies.

I would ban competitive sports in school for primary kids. It should be a hobby activity for those with the interest and the physical advantage. All primary aged children should be physically active and that can be learning sports skills, outdoor activities, gym, walking, running, dancing but it should be fun and inclusive. Competitiveness just drains the life out of it for the kids who need it the most.

Yanbu op.