Everyone given gold award except DD

[dancschmance]

DD (aged 8) has attended an after school dance club this term. I thought it was just a bit of fun and a good way to get some exercise etc. It’s certainly never been presented as competitive or serious.

She’s loved it and was very happy and enthusiastic to go every week.

She’s come home from the last session today in tears. Apparently at the end of the class they were all given attainment awards. According to DD, every single other child was given gold except her - she got silver.

I fully admit that DD probably isn’t the best dancer there (she has inherited my coordination skills!) but she’s tried really hard and been fully committed to the club. I had absolutely no idea that they were going to be “graded” at the end of term and had I known this would happen I would not have signed her up. It’s completely ruined the experience for her and feels like she’s been singled out as the “worst” dancer.

Am I being unreasonable or was this is a really mean and unnecessary approach from the dance teacher? It’s not the olympics - they’re 8 year olds at an extra curricular club!

I might have missed it but as your DD has only just started this term, maybe the others got silver last term and it's as straightforward as being the newest.

But you don’t know for sure that your child was the only one who didn’t get gold do you?

You’re taking what your DD says as gospel without finding out the real facts, you’re running away with yourself without the truth to back you up.

YANBU. It isn’t a competitive dance class. The “gradings” aren’t official and mean sweet FA to anyone except the kids-so why single one out? Hope you get a response.

it could easily happen at a swimming class: if eg you were being assessed for stage 3 and didn't meet the criteria, you wouldn't get the award. Not petty or spiteful at all.

Yes I thought that could be the case as well.

OP, I agree that if she was the only one, it feels unnecessarily hurtful. Especially if there was no warning!

My child used to dance and for one they got gradings based on achievement/attainment rather than exams with a grade.

So rather than it being that yours got a Merit and everyone else got a Distinction (which could also be legitimately the case) it could also be that your DD isn't able to do something yet to achieve Gold. So they can do the steps to achieve Silver but maybe they can't do the splits yet for example. She'll then get Gold when she can.

If it is the former, then she's probably unlucky - I remember mine just missing out on a Distinction for tap when everyone else managed. They were too pleased getting a Merit for me to compare it with what others achieved.

How many are in the class? Those 4 receiving gold doesn't mean everyone did, unless there's only 5 in the class.

I can still remember my first school sports day. now we didn't know it at the time, but I had balance issues due to being mostly deaf in one ear and about half that in the other, and inner ear issues. this was later fixed with Gromets.
but my first sports day I learned how spiteful they were about not being sporty.
there was a race, in which, predictably, I came last. at the finish line, one of the teachers was giving out sweets. I came last, so I didn't get one. EVERY other child in the race got one, except for me because I was the worst. the person that came second to last got a sweet. I didn't. because I was the worst. thinking about that still hurts. because why did they need to single me out, and basically show that everyone else deserved a reward, but I didn't.
I would understand if if it was only, say, first, second and third that got one. but no. it was everyone except the person that came last.
that's not just rewarding people for being the best, that's punishing one person for being useless, and it hurts to be singled out as that one person who is worse than everyone else.

High 5 from another long time fs parent, though mine did singles👋.You sound like one of the rare 'normal' ones. I used to keep the Hallmark commercial in mind - the mother gave her daughter 2 cards to open after her skate, one for if she did well and one for if she didn't - they both said the same thing. basically, I love you, I'm proud of you. I spoke at several seminars re parenting high level athletes and saw an eye-full from rink level.

Mine have all come out the other end of their competitive careers as well rounded high achieving adults. Two are now involved in judging/ts'ing. One coaches in his evenings after his real work as he enjoys it (and wants to add some positive perspective for the skaters he co-coaches, but that's another story). One is still scarred by things her coach said. All say they're glad they learned to stick with something, and to win and lose, something rarely experienced by their cohort in school.

Our current competitive levels have entry categories where skaters of similar levels perform for a judging panel and are graded against standards, not each other. Those standards are labelled gold, silver and bronze. So it is possible for all skaters or none to get gold - and they know what they need to do to get better results.

While the dance class may not have such obvious evaluation tools, all of the many classes my kids took had some form of eval at the end, even soccer camps, and it wasn't usually announced ahead of time. The levels of achievement definitely should have been explained to the class participants.

That's horrible. My kids' sports days gave a choice of participating in individual competitive events, otherwise it was all team games, and ranking of the teams' points at the end. Way back when for my sports days, we received coloured ribbons (1,2,3 or participant) for each event and it was common for most kids to have all participant ribbons.

This is a learning opportunity. I would ask for feedback on why they got a silver and not a gold. Then work on those areas and work for gold next time.

Setting the expectations that everyone is going to get treated the same and get the same isn’t setting them up for the ability to deal with disappointment, accept constructive feedback, understand their strengths and weaknesses and, work on personal skills and communication.

8 years old isn’t too young to start learning this.

Parents reactions are so important. I remember auditioning for the school play and not being picked. My mum’s reaction was at least we don’t have the hassle of making a costume. Somehow it made me feel better. That is was no big deal. She only told me years later how disappointed she was for me. Silver is a great achievement. I would focus on that rather than reinforcing her feelings of failure that she didn’t get a gold.

Instead of worrying and posting on here, get in touch with the teacher/leader , in a non confrontational way, and get the facts. Your daughter needs the facts too.

sports days were always horrible for me. even when my ear issue was fixed, I was always more academic than sporty. I spent my lunchtimes reading on a bench or in the library, not running around.
I was severely bullied all through school, and in my teens for sports day you could sign up for the events you wanted to do.
someone thought it was funny to sign me up for the 1500m. race, it being the longest race, and me not being into running.
I told the school I didn't put my name down, and they told me that my name was on the list, so I didn't have a choice.
fortunately, when I told them that if they FORCED me to participate in a race I didn't put my name down for, I would walk. and they'd have to wait for me to finish before the next race, because I DID NOT CONSENT to being part of that race.

they weren't willing to take me at my word that I didn't write my name on the sign up sheet to not do it, but when they realised I was not going to try and do it and fail, and make an idiot of myself and would instead disrupt their running times, they agreed I could "drop out" even though I never signed up for it in the first place.

My children are out of primary school now. They attended loads and loads of after school sports clubs from dance to lacrosse to football and American football. None were ever graded in this way.

Competition/ gradings are fine if the nature of them and their criteria are upfront.

I have a dyspraxic child who takes years to get through swimming/ karate gradings, but it's transparent that there is a list of skills to accomplish and you move up when they're met, and it's not competition between a cohort (which I would avoid having been The Shit Child in all physical activity at school.) I have strategically avoided competitive sports for my children.

There are millions of women out there who do not meet minimum targets on participating in exercise because they were turned off by most physical activity being treated as competitive in school and extra-curriculars.

Not being clear that there is an assessment, or the criteria of it is poor form. It's not a case where OP can say "you can get gold when you improve your porte-de-bras". They're none the wiser about how to progress.

Praising exceptional effort and performance is fine, but don't create situations that single children out for negative reasons. (Akin to leaving out the children with poorest health while most of the class get a treat for high attendance)

There needs to be so much more physical activity that has no competition and is just about the joy of doing.

We can’t all be winners. But if someone thinks it’s a good idea to make nearly every child a winner and single out one to be the loser, then they shouldn’t be working with children.

Exactly this! It really pissed me off when DD was at primary school, that’s it seemed very little of the extra curricular activities could be done for fun.

The netball was competitive, flute was all about exams or performances, ballet was one of the worst. It used to really upset DD - she just wanted to do these things for pleasure, without any pressure. Something has gone wrong with the whole extra curricular things on a cv vs doing things for pleasure, IMO.

Depends how it was given out really- there's a difference between doing an exam and knowing you are going to be graded, and then not doing as well as other people have which is fine. Or it's something you can work towards like a swimming or gymnastics badge - fine.

On the other hand, not knowing there was any kind of assessment going on or what the criteria are and things being handed out in such a way as to single out one person is appalling. And in my experience, the world of amateur dance is not exactly free of spiteful, pathetic indivuduals who would do that deliberately. So I would email the organiser about the awards and ask what the criteria are.

It's not about being OTT about stickers, prizes and badges, it's the principle and having your child's back.

The OP said her daughter had worked really hard. I think in a club like that, effort should be rewarded.

I'd bet money on the likelihood that every single other kid in the class didn't, in fact, all get Gold.

Just contact the after school club and ask!

But why can't they do things without being evaluated all the time, just for fun? Particulatly an after school class where they are just trying out different sports or activities for fun, not to take it up professionally in the future or become regional champion.

I don't get graded in yoga, running or going to the gym. Why subject children to this? We need to encourage life long mass participation in physical activity, it shouldn't only be about elite athletes.

And I say that as someone with a DD who is a very good competitive dancer.

Wise advice.

I’ve read that it’s much more effective to praise a child for effort rather than achievement. It seems it encourages them to keep trying. It’s certainly worked with your daughter, who is still working hard, and getting good results.

Praising a child for doing well can apparently cause them to fear that they won’t do as well the next time, and their parent will be disappointed. But if they know that they simply have to give their best, they gain confidence.

I also wonder if your daughter was the only child to not get a gold but that's beside the point really.
You were led to believe that it was a fun after school dance activity, not a graded dance exam. Fine to give each child a 'congratulations' achievement award for their attendance and enthusiasm or whatever but not gold, silver, bronze bollocks.
I'd be interested to know the teacher's explanation and reasoning.