Everyone given gold award except DD

[dancschmance]

DD (aged 8) has attended an after school dance club this term. I thought it was just a bit of fun and a good way to get some exercise etc. It’s certainly never been presented as competitive or serious.

She’s loved it and was very happy and enthusiastic to go every week.

She’s come home from the last session today in tears. Apparently at the end of the class they were all given attainment awards. According to DD, every single other child was given gold except her - she got silver.

I fully admit that DD probably isn’t the best dancer there (she has inherited my coordination skills!) but she’s tried really hard and been fully committed to the club. I had absolutely no idea that they were going to be “graded” at the end of term and had I known this would happen I would not have signed her up. It’s completely ruined the experience for her and feels like she’s been singled out as the “worst” dancer.

Am I being unreasonable or was this is a really mean and unnecessary approach from the dance teacher? It’s not the olympics - they’re 8 year olds at an extra curricular club!

@dancschmance

do you not think your daughter knows herself that she isn’t the best dancer? She likely does. And as such, getting the best possible award for dancing would just seem disingenuous to her.

Not everything is a life lesson or learning opportunity. There are very few things in this life you can just do for the fun of it, regardless of skill
or gaining ability. The joy comes from just doing something a bit different with a group also enjoying the same experience. Not everything needs to be a moment to prove yourself or learn that you’re simply not up to standard, especially at 8. It doesn’t read like there was anything to gain from doing well in this class, so what exactly was the point of handing out certificates based on a graded system at all?

DD came out with a group of her 4 closest friends and all of them had received gold awards.

It is difficult to think that anyone running a chidren's class would leave out just one child in this way. This sentence does catch my attention.

Is your DD the only one from the whole class who didn't get a gold, or just the only one from her friendship group?

The difference might mean nothing to your DD, but is important when discussing with whoever runs the class.

It's not unkind, cruel or anything else bandied about on here if every week they work on things and tick them off as they're achieved, with certs being awarded based on how many objectives each child has achieved, and the teacher making a big celebration about the 'silver' and saying 'next term you'll get the gold, it's just because of that one thing you found tricky' or 'you missed that week when we did x skill remember?'

I mean, how likely is it that the teacher decided to grade them without telling them, presented them with an award without explaining what they were for, and gleefully endured only one child got silver? If nothing else she would've known she'd be tied up by a complaining parent.

Its relavant because she is a very young child.

I’d feel the same as you OP. If she has been singled out it’s mean and unnecessary and the sort of thing a child remembers.

Mine once got a third when there were only three in that group, she was really thrilled.

Op I completely agree with you. I think a lot of people that deal with kids just cannot, cannot get out of the mentality of grading and comparing them and forcing them to compete with each other
our relationship with our bodies is precious and so easily fucked with actually. Dance isn’t a sport or a competition to be “won”, it’s both an art form and a birthright to move our bodies (can you tell- I’m a professional dancer)
for sure if you have signed up to do graded assessments for example ballet, fair enough, that’s different, but that’s not what’s happened here. Your daughter has gone in and started developing confidence and joy in movement and had it shat on.
what that teacher has done, in my opinion, is at best a bit cringe. She sounds like she is no way as progressive or enlightened as you. Obviously you need to gather more information and take a view on it, but you may do well to find somewhere else where your daughter can really develop her love of moving her body without this petty provincial shaming nonsense being dumped on her.

I don’t think you need to check the facts. She got silver, potentially the other children got gold. What are you going to do if everyone gets an A in maths and she gets a B? Complain? Silver is really good. Congratulate your child on getting silver, tell her how well she’s doing and if she listens to her teacher and works hard hopefully next year she’ll get gold. Concentrate on the positive and tell her not to worry about what the others are doing because she’s going to get there in the end.

Comparison is the thief of joy. There'll be someone at home with a bronze certificate right now raging about your kid's silver.

Concentrate on the positive and tell her not to worry about what the others are doing because she’s going to get there in the end.

Did that for things like swimming and academic things they struggled with in early school years for my kids where there was clear and visible criteria everyone was clear on- and working harder they would likely get them there even if it took them longer and more effort than others.

Activities like dance when Op and DD thought it just for fun - I'd do what Op is doing get an explanation and based on what said then decide if another activity may suit her DD better.

Find out the actual facts OP and go from there.

I’d be surprised if you DD was the only one to have got silver. By ‘only’ she probably means the only one of the friends she knows there.

Just see what this teacher says.

There is no reason not to go back. Presumably there were some standards to be met for gold, silver (daresay bronze) and DD met silver critieria. Check it's as she said - it may not be, children sometimes get the wrong end of the stick - and then explain why she got silver: she met the silver criteria, which is good.

Completely agree! Exercise is essential for good health. Yet so many kids are driven away by the extreme competitiveness and grow up to be sedentary adults, hating any physical activity because they were constantly told how shit they were at it. Especially women. It really erodes your self esteem.

No adult would keep doing something that they're not good at in the name of 'building resilience'. Not everything is a life lesson.

If there was a bigger focus on inclusive sport we'd have more people with healthy habits for life.

@Donotneedit OMG this really resonates. I sucked at school sports and hated everything to do with exercise until I discovered dance. I'm not great at it but who cares, it gives me the motivation to exercise. I tried running, boxing, climbing everything hated hated hated them with a burning passion. Except for dance and associated (pole dance, aerial arts).

You are right in that, finding the form of movement we enjoy is precious and freeing. That should be the focus.

Academic standards are not the same as some irrelevant little school club run for a bit of fun. The comparison would be to be grading a book club, or community hall cooking class. Absolutely unnecessary for the hobby taking place.

Ok, let’s not compare with academic standards.
A talent contest, drawing competition, scavenger hunt, karaoke
Silver is still great, congratulate her, explain that she has room to grow, let her know that you are proud of what they have achieved. We can’t all win but we can learn and grow.
Is the OP going to question the instructors every time their child doesn’t meet the same standard as their peers?
They’re making something out of nothing which will make it more of a big deal for her child than it actually is.

But it’s not a competitive class, it’s not a dance school looking at pushing kids through exams and talent shows. It’s a bog standard ‘our school needs to look like it offers extracurricular for Ofsted’, probably run by Mrs X who’s only experience in dance is on a Saturday night letting her hair down (where I bet they never got a bloody certificate for attempting a stumbled version of YMCA). There’s literally no reason to make it a graded activity, to single any child out for not quite being as good as the rest. No one gains anything from it do they.

She didn’t believe it was graded or judged but it was. It’s really not a big deal if you manage the situation so as not to make a drama out of it.

I can only speak for myself (and in support of the op). If I sent my children to an after school class, I’d be irritated to find they were turning what is just meant to be a bit of exercise/after school fun into another ‘teacher doesn’t know when to switch off and let kids enjoy themselves’ moment. I’d be furious if it did transpire that said ‘bit of fun’ class gave everyone a ‘gold’ certificate bar one child.

It may not be a drama for you, maybe you don’t feel the need to stick up for your children when something shitty has happened and your child has been singled out in front of everyone (if that actually is the case). There’s a chance that this would put off the daughter wanting to take part in such an activity again. And again, if this was an actual dance class, understanding that you may not be at the same level as everyone else is something you’d have to suck up. Not some nonsense little school club who’s been evidently run by someone with delusions of grandeur/Dance Moms mentality.

I’d be irritated to find they were turning what is just meant to be a bit of exercise/after school fun into another ‘teacher doesn’t know when to switch off and let kids enjoy themselves’ moment. I’d be furious if it did transpire that said ‘bit of fun’ class gave everyone a ‘gold’ certificate bar one child.

so if your child got gold you’d find out what everyone else got on the off chance that you could defend the lone child awarded silver?

Thankfully my children are not joining after school clubs any time soon so I won’t traumatise them too much.

Of course you are not unreasonable OP. Others might be way better but it’s not the point in this situation. Dance schools have exams in which students achieve different grades and rewarded for their abilities. They move different students to a higher lever with different speed. Some schools have the best achiever award but it’s for the one person in the class. End of year rewards are the same for everyone because they reflect participation and belonging to the team. They are not graded, it would be very unfair.
OP there is a possibility of course that her friends all got gold so that’s what she meant saying that all others got gold. It won’t change my view but might help you to talk tp your daughter.

But DD came out with a group of her 4 closest friends and all of them had received gold awards

That’s really not the same as everyone else in the class getting gold. It might feel like that to your DD, but there’s a chance they were the only four.

I never got my BAGA 1 award because I couldn't do a backflip without a one finger support. Still feels like unfinished business! 😂

I didn't go to a competitive dance school, but we did do exams which were assessed independently by an official body (can't remember which!). They were graded the same as your daughters, any chance this is what's happened?