Everyone given gold award except DD

[dancschmance]

DD (aged 8) has attended an after school dance club this term. I thought it was just a bit of fun and a good way to get some exercise etc. It’s certainly never been presented as competitive or serious.

She’s loved it and was very happy and enthusiastic to go every week.

She’s come home from the last session today in tears. Apparently at the end of the class they were all given attainment awards. According to DD, every single other child was given gold except her - she got silver.

I fully admit that DD probably isn’t the best dancer there (she has inherited my coordination skills!) but she’s tried really hard and been fully committed to the club. I had absolutely no idea that they were going to be “graded” at the end of term and had I known this would happen I would not have signed her up. It’s completely ruined the experience for her and feels like she’s been singled out as the “worst” dancer.

Am I being unreasonable or was this is a really mean and unnecessary approach from the dance teacher? It’s not the olympics - they’re 8 year olds at an extra curricular club!

I think OP getting a bad rap. I think its crap she didn't at least get an award if not gold. It encourages kids if they get something. I see this a lot these days. I am more awarding kids for showing up and trying rather than competitiveness and being the top.

It was, she got silver. It’s not like she didn’t get anything. And the OP even said her DD is uncoordinated and not the best dancer.

Oh...i skipped that bit. She got an award thats good!

This exactly. If it’s a grading scheme and she hasn’t reached the right level, then they can’t just give it her because everyone else HAS reached that level. Don’t be ridiculous

Wouldn't it just be a participation award if everyone got gold which makes it meaningless anyway.

As mentioned by another poster, the issue is that the criteria was not clear upfront.
You can't give gradings and pass them as generic judgements on the child. If the child knows ahead of time that x y z have to be achieved it's a different matter.

Obviously, it's ridiculous to be "grading" kids when you had no idea this was happening in an afterschool club. Absolutely, if you sign her up for a dance school or music lessons , she will be ready for being picked or not or achieving the next grade or not, but a class she really enjoyed and thought was great, to then be unexpectedly be told you didn't make the grade is completely different.

I do probably think though that it was her little group of friends who got gold so she felt like everyone did, I'm sure no teacher would just single one child out, but I would be asking (politely as you did) what the criteria for gold was as you weren't aware it was graded before hand to prep her.

On a little side note, we teach our son to take school accreditations with a pinch of salt, as they are often not handed out for the reason you think or expect, so we yell him knows he has done it or completed something then he has achieved it, so be proud of yourself.

But OP (maybe you have already reached out to the school, apologies if you have) you need to find out what happened first. A friend of mine went ballistic after being told by her DD ‘everyone’ had had something at school only to find out they hadn’t. That might not be the case with your DD but you need to know firsts. I struggle with these sorts of posts because when they are written parents often haven’t gone and clued themselves up. They listen to their child and react with half of what’s potentially happened.

Yes, but the Op says she doesn’t know this for sure. Her Daughter says that “all” got gold, but we all know about the famous “all” that comes from kids mouths.

You don’t put 2 and 2 together, make 5, then start a thread about how cross you are without knowing the facts for sure.

Can only agree. I'd ask to see the teacher gently and enquire what the criteria were. I'm sure you aren't 'that mother' but I think you can ask. DD would like to know how to improve...etc

This !!

i will take a punt Op that it wasn’t “everyone”?

My 7 year old daughter does shit loads of competitive and non competitive sports. I think this is a dick move, it's a participation award, and those should be the same for all kids.

I'd probably just suggest that the teacher is being a bit of a plum, and that I can imagine it wasn't fun for daughter but you're proud of how she handled it with grace. Tell her it's the start of an adult life lesson- people can be plonkers and not to rely on external awards and approval but to work on how SHE felt when she was dancing with her friends. Make your own certificate with the things she learnt during the term- friendship, teamwork, looking after her kit/being organised, whatever.

For my daughter who is competitive, I tell her you don't want to be the kid at the top of the pile, you want to be the kid coming third or forth. It means you've got skill and talent, but you've got a way to go and a lot to learn. It strengthens your perseverance muscles, your NGU (never give up, thank you Bear Grills 🙄) muscles. It makes you hungry.

Whip out a bit of Malcolm Gladwell- sports stars aren't the ones that looked special right from the start, the stars are the ones that had a mix of a bit of talent and suffered a few knocks along the way and learnt to work for it.

I did add another comment when I understood that the club was supposed to be about fun and that OP never knew there was any kind of assessment involved.

i suspect that given the op hasn’t been back

that it was a storm in a teacup and the OP hasn’t got the full picture

Also that if her child had been awarded gold and not silver the whole issue of finding out that there was a competitive aspect and it wasn’t just for fun wouldn’t have been an issue even if one of the other children had been given silver.

If DD was the only one not to get gold, I’d be upset about it and the reason for it would have to be very good.

If- which may be more likely-others also got silver or even bronze, just not in her friendship group then you’ll have no trouble supporting her.

At 8, in fun after school dance club, DS was never awarded the highest award which usually went to the girls. We just told him we were proud. He kept going when most of the boys dropped out.

Roll on a few years and for his dance degree he was given an offer by every UK conservatoire and he hopes to make a career in dance. So what one teacher in one club at an early age thinks doesn’t mean too much in the long run.

I hope what happened was the second para OP.

If DD was the only one not to get gold, I’d be upset about it and the reason for it would have to be very good.

@mumindoghouse the OP said herself that her daughter is not the best dancer and has inherited her lack of coordination. Which is probably why she got silver.

Or possibly that it happened on Friday and it’s only Sunday now, so the teacher, understandably, hasn’t responded yet?

nah

storm in a tea cup

You're doing the right thing clarifying if there were other children who also got silver- clearly her friends didn't and that would be tough. I also think k that if it's a grades class and not a fun class it would have been good telling parents that- there is a big difference between fun and being judged/ graded for something. Everyone saying not everyone can get gold and being outraged you're (allegedly) being 'that' parent- fuck that. If genuinely every other kid got gold that's shit. If they weren't aware there was a grading, that's not fair, and if it's a pass and 'fail' class with more getting given gold and only one or 2 not- I would t want my child to be part of it to be honest- as that doesn't sound like the fun you thought you'd signed her up for!

I read the post. I know what she said. And sure DD may not be best co-ordinated, and best dancer, but I doubt she’s so markedly less capable than every single other child in the class. My post was to say the assessors are entitled to their view, but not always right.

Also I do think there is something wrong in singling one person out for a lower award-particularly in a class that was supposed to be ungraded fun. It’s unkind and unnecessary, if that was in fact what happened. I’ve witnessed those sorts of circumstances significantly and adversely affect children’s self-esteem.

Sure there’s a need for children to learn they are not always going to win/ be picked/ excel at everything and to have the resilience to cope. But singling only one person out for a lower award does not IMO achieve that.

I agree with did they really need to do awards at a non competitive class and if every other child did get gold then yes that's unfair and a little cruel.

@dancschmance

When will you be clarifying if everyone got gold apart from DD