Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

Having sex with someone who isn’t into it will damage your relationship and kill their sexual attraction. It’s a really terrible choice.

We’ve had several droughts and DH’s compassionate respect of my disinclination to intimacy was a powerful force in bringing us back together.

Would couple’s therapy be an option?

How does she find you working at home? In the long term, it caused a lot of issues here which did nothing for me wanting sex.

Generally, my interest is greater or lesser depending on how my emotional needs are being met. Maybe your wife isn't having her needs met?

Maybe it's hormonal? In that case, it may pass.

Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly.

How can you be aroused, let alone orgasm, knowing she is lying there uncomfortable and waiting for it to be over? Why would she want sex with someone so disgusting?

She prefers me working from home as those days I’m able to help with the school run or after school if she has to do any running about I’ll be to have my youngest son at home whilst working and she can’t pop out.

This is so rude! I don’t think she finds me disgusting and I don’t think I am. It’s not forceful sex and I will always say if she doesn’t want to then we won’t. I’m completely respectful of her decision. I think a lot of these comments are twisting it to make me sound bad.
I’m a good loving husband and dad, I’m pulling my weight and do my share around the house baring in mind I’m working full time, I’m very respectful towards my wife and bring my children up to respect women. My point was that our sex life was good and frequent and unfortunately it’s now very very rare. I thought this would be a good place to get the opinions of women and some of the comments seem to help but a lot of them seem to be from angry women and men haters. There is nothing wrong about wanting to have sex with my wife, I love her loads and think she’s the most beautiful person in the world and would do anything for her and always put her wants and needs infront of my own. Not all men are bad people.

Of course NAMALT.

But in all these posts you've failed to answer the question that keeps being asked of you - what does your wife want/need from you? The fact that you won't, or haven't, answered this speaks volumes. You even wanted to put her lack of desire for you down to there being 'something wrong'! (i.e. the menopause).

I don’t think you are a bad person or trying to hurt your wife.

It’s a big step to ask for advice however AIBU is not the place.

I still think you need to figure out what makes your wife feel desired and wanted since several have asked this and you have yet to answer it so we can only guess you don’t know.

How much time does your wife get childfree and alone?

Does she have time to do the things she enjoys (hobbies, activities)?

Does she go out with friends alone once in awhile?

Despite the many pages here, you’ve said very little about your wife as a person (other than her past thoughts and not up for sex) and more about what you do for her that can be construed, unfortunately that she should be wanting sex frequently with you because if it.

'I still think you need to figure out what makes your wife feel desired '

His dw needs to figure that out and communicate. The op says his dw stopped intimacy in previous relationships so she needs to try and work out what turns her on and involve her dh in that. Yes yes everyone needs to pull their weight with domestic chores and childcare but people just cannot stop any physical contact without any effort to improve the situation.

I think the very fact you are on here shows that you want to do the right thing by your relationship, that you love your wife and long for how things were. Many men act like toddlers when faced with this and decide it gives them the right to look for sex outside the partnership which devastates marriage. Well done you, you are a true grown up.
But things do change when you have kids, and you both need to adapt. With the right approach you could have a new kind of sexual relationship, but it is never going to be what it once was. Women change when they have children after their bodies are depended on by babies and then by toddlers, and sometimes sharing their body with a partner as well can feel one step too much. For her to want to be intimate you are going to have to take things slowly. The myth that middle aged men need lots of sex has been discredited - that is often their brains telling them that rather than their bodies and society backs that up with ridiculous mantras like 'have sex or he will stray.'
Maybe say to yourself you are not going to try and ask for sex for a month, and instead focus on showing love and intimacy in other ways. When she doesn't feel that you are desperate for sex - when a massage or a hug is simply that, not a hopeful prelude to sex - perhaps she will begin to feel more confident. She might be feeling different about her body since having children and might want to feel that you still find her attractive but you need to show her this in a way that she doesn't think it is because you want to jump in to bed. What do you love about how she looks that isn't sexual? Her smile? Tell her.
You can save this marriage and you are doing the right thing by being here and wading through the negative criticism, and I really respect you.

Do you honestly think she enjoys the sex that she wants to be over as quickly as possible?

Yes, previous relationship TEN years ago.

I did ask other questions and elaborated further.

I didn’t leave to just chores nor mentioned chores, others did.

He still has given limited information. Considering they have been together for a decade, he should already know these things or have at least noticed beyond, she doesn’t have sex with me anymore and 10 years ago she did xyz with exes.

Please ignore horrible posts . Sadly , MN can be a horrible and unsupportive place at times . People tend to be very rigid in their thinking .

What is her perception of herself ? Is she confident , does she feel attractive ? Maybe you on top makes her feel less self conscious.

Try to make some time where you are affectionate but not in a sexual way . Have a movie night , get the blankets on the sofa and just give her a cuddle, make it clear that this isn’t about sex , get into bed and just cuddle . Even say you’re tired , you can’t wait to just get in to bed , cuddle up and go to sleep . Without meaning to you may be making sex the elephant in the room and she may feel under pressure . You said she’s around 40? Prime time for peri menopause. She will be feeling bad about it herself but also she will be suffering and have some rage ( believe me it comes from nowhere ) and get to a point where she feels like why should she just perform when you want it! It’s not rational but we have no control over this , just be patient and understanding and hopefully you can get closer which will massively help .

When we used to have sex loads it involved loads of foreplay, massages and giving her loads of attention and it would last for quite a while. Now it’s more a 5-10min quicky every once in a while. She’s said before the sex with me is different because I give her so much attention and she’s never had that.
now she says she’s just busy, tired or got things on her mind, I can’t see anything has changed though.

Do you think she enjoys it?

Thanks I really appreciate your comment, it’s nice to see the nice and supportive ones.
we normally get us time around 8pm so I’ll sometimes suggest putting our phones away and have a cup of tea or an early night but the other day she said from 8-when she goes to bed is her time and she would rather watch things like love island than sit and chat or have us time. Thinking about things over night prior to our youngest we used to have date nights and nights away where as now we never get the time as our youngest hates sleepovers or spending long periods of the day without us and maybe that’s more the issue. Hopefully it’ll change as he gets older and we start to get time back or maybe that’s wishful thinking.

The thing is changed that she is a Mum. Life changes for Dad's too, but their bodies haven't carried babies, given birth, breast fed (if they chose to) and then if they are the parent at home most been the one to give the hugs, sometimes get hit by a cross toddler etc. Her body is a place of work now, and therefore sex can feel like one more chore on the list.
It will change, it can change, but only if you are massively respectful that life is different for her. As the children get older and need her body less, she will reclaim it and might feel she wants to share it with you more.
Please forget all that society tells you about your sexual needs and rights. If you want to protect your marriage you need to see that occasional making love with your wife is the icing on a cake - marriage does not mean you have rights to lots of sex, groundbreaking sex, novel sex. You have no right to go elsewhere if your wife is struggling with intimacy. If you get these ideas in your head your marriage has no chance.

It sounds like she's craving some time just for her. I love my DH and our sex life is great, but sometimes I do get overwhelmed by life and I just want to do whatever I want for a few hours, without having to factor him in or answer 'so what shall we do tonight?'. If he gives me that space I usually end up missing him before too long, and I feel refreshed. Could you take the kids out for a day and give her some space?

This. OP, you literally spelled how how she feels about having sex with you. It might not be you as a person that she finds objectionable/unpleasant, it might just be the physical act of having sex with you.

For what it's worth, I couldn't be in a relationship without lots of sex (with both parties enthusiastically consenting and enjoying it, obviously).

Ah no, I regret answering sincerely now. You don't get to come on a forum likes Mumsnet and then start shouting about men haters and NAMALT. Major red flags. I get that someone calling you disgusting is crossing the line, but the way you described the sex does not sound like you're getting enthusiastic consent, and it is surprising that you're okay with that.

Good advice

If the OP imagines someone pounding away at one of his holes knowing he isn't enjoying it, he'd realise disgusting is a pretty mild descriptor.

Sorry op for whatever reason she just isn't it/you anymore. You seem to have ticked all the mn boxes re housework, cups of tea etc. All you can do is try and work out if she has gone off you or sex.

So again, talk to her 'I really miss intimacy what can we do to improve thjngs' if she says she isn't bothered then there, sadly, is your answer. You need to then decide to put up with it or leave. I would suggest that at 35 it is no way to live.

Either she puts out or gets out.

Lovely!
You always get one * *!!

Try to talk and listen - put the sex aspect aside as she has said she feels busy, things on her mind, sounds like she can't relax and 'feel' sexual

If you can have a talk together and approach it with her in mind to begin with and put your feelings about sex/affection to one side, and really listen and try to see if her stresses can be helped at all

So she's busy and has things on her mind - is it the house/children making her busy and feel like she can't switch off? Can you look at and consider together that you have enough childcare? Is it worth having one day where the children are looked after and she isnt working where she can make sure she has a bath in pease/reads a book/watches trash tv for a bit, has some time to reset and recharge? Parenting all day can make it really hard to switch off from being 'mum' and becoming a partner/wife again. Children can also make you really 'touched out' where you are being hugged/pulled/whatever else all day and can't stop those interactions as it's part of parenting. But then just need your body and space when it finally stops

If finances allow then household help like a cleaner might help (again depends if you can begin talking/connecting and if the household is causing stressed)

If they're at school and she already has that then just a talk about if she is feeling stressed - trying to work out the reasons and route cause between her feeling busy and like she has a lot on her mind

The one thing you don't want to do if she has a lot of demands and pressures in daily life from organising children/home/appointments etc is to make it feel like sex is something else she needs to tick off the list. Which is why I say to just not raise it and put it to one side for a bit to see if you can find the route cause. I do understand it will feel like rejection her not wanting it etc, but if her head is full of other noise and chores/things for the children, then adding the stress of your needs will feel worse to her as opposed to better.

Hopefully if you can talk and connect and become a team in life things might just begin to improve