Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

There are several on here, think this thread may have been started or flagged by some on MRA forums.

This is my suspicion too. There has been a lot of MRA/incel types recently.

A good husband would talk to his wife about what the problem is and not want sex with anything less than enthusiastic consent from his partner.

I'm the wife in this scenario. Husband is doing everything right, I love him deeply and find him attractive, but with 2 kids under 4 (still breastfeeding the youngest) I just can't stand the idea of being sexual right now. Aside from the general exhaustion and overwhelm of this stage of life, part of it for me has been acknowledging that with previous partners I didn't always honour what I really wanted in a sexual context and what a tremendous thing my body has been through with pregnancies and birth and breastfeeding, and now I am accepting the fact that my body just wants to be left alone for a while. I have explained that to my husband and hope I will want sex again one day and that he is patient enough to wait. Maybe your wife can relate to some of that?

Mens Rights Activists. Believe women have certain duties to men regardless of their own welfare, believe men are hard done by when relationships end and they have to pay for their own children/share assets, see men as victims of some brave new world where women hold
all the cards and ‘weaponise sex’.

Very good 👍

Put enthusiastic consent in quotation marks as though it's irrelevant and treat women like walking vaginas.

Sex isn’t a need, it’s a want. And one that’s earned by being a caring and equal partner who doesn’t think going to work means he can do less around the home/childcare.

Yes, of course NAMALT, but I don't believe it.
And I bet if she was free, body and mind, she would slowly start enjoying sex again.
So easy to go off someone (husband) living with you for years.
Kinda reminds me of the forced living with parents it all starts with, the complete lack of freedom and someone's face always in yours....
Sex really doesn't come to mind 😂

I'm interested in this and I can see exactly where you are coming from though I can't relate.

What if your sex drive doesn't return? Do you expect your husband to accept that?

@protectoroftherealm That's a good question, I suppose I expect him to accept how I feel and not to try and coerce me into sex I don't want, but if things don't change for me and he decides it's a deal breaker and he either wants to leave or have a sexual relationship with someone else then I would accept how he felt and wouldn't hold it against him. I would feel very sad if that did happen so before getting to that point I would try couples therapy etc to avoid either of those outcomes.

I’m a middle age single child free professional woman and sometimes I struggle finding time for sex. I can’t imagine for the life of god what it must if I had two kids and a husband (pestering me for sex), most probably I would just want to lock myself in the room after 8pm, watch love island and just tell everyone to f-ck off.

way to go to totally miss the point

having sex with someone is way different to doing a favour for someone

having sex with someone you do not want to have sex with feels kinda... rapey

if that someone kept doing that with you and you knew that you had to have that kind of sex or the relationship might be over, then yeah, most women aren't going to feel any real desire for that person

OP, the more you have that kind of sex with your wife, the further away a real sexual relationship is going to get for you both, you need to STOP doing that! it's totally ick

another poster linked to this podcast, listen to it, it explains so much, you will probably find some excellent ideas here "Sex in Long Term Relationships" https://feeds.acast.com/public/shows/61a6032924b077001314fb65

See this depends on the woman. I have always enjoyed sex and find it relaxes me at night.
I don't find my dh wanting sex 'pestering' because I want it too

I disagree with people telling op that he doesn't need sex... we've no right to state he's needs... op some have been harsh but I agree I wouid be turned off by having sex with somebody who was offering it to get themselves abit of peace I'd feel gross about that. 35 is young... you've 2 options here a nice cup of tea and a sympathy shag ever 2 months or you start seeking the next chapter in your life. You've already had the conversations and made the effort fuck all this swapping dish washing for a shag bargaining for sex sounds horrendous she doesn't even wanna talk to you? Prefers love island? Advise aside you put up n shut up or you bog off

Would you hope therapy would help you regain your libido or convince your dh to find a way to live without sex?

Most definitely does depend on the woman if the sex is good I'll take as much as I can! Lol

@bridgerbelle

A good husband would talk to his wife about what the problem is and not want sex with anything less than enthusiastic consent from his partner.
A good man of 35 might also justifiably decide a sexless life is not one he is willing to settle for and both parties would need to accept that the union has come to an end.

Sometimes it's not actually about sex itself. It's about the relationship and how you're being treated. Some women think they've got no libido, the leave their partner find someone they're sexually compatible with and can't get enough.

They say that sex is the canary of the relationship, it's often the first thing to suffer when a relationship is going wrong. The OP is metaphorically tapping his wife to see why she no longer works, without looking at the situation holistically.

I've most definitely only had amazing sex with a deep connection but connections fade and that's why we have exs I believe this is the case here to she's not intrested.

Didn't miss the point, just clearly have a different, more pragmatic view of sex and love within a longterm relationship than most of the people here and don't expect perfection all the time from either of us. Maybe one of the reasons I've been happily married for 30 years when so many others seem to fail repeatedly.

@letsgoooo I'd hope it would help me understand what's going on with me primarily, and for us to find our way back to one another, and if that wasn't possible, to help him decide whether it's a deal breaker for him. I'd never expect him to just accept a situation he was fundamentally unhappy with indefinitely, so in that situation it would be up to him to decide.