Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

OP, treat her to a new vaccum cleaner instead.

🤣

@LostTheMarble

And do you pull your weight equally? Do you do housework without being asked, do you take full responsibility as a parent - book appointments, answer teachers, take them to clubs?
Or she's just got no libido. It's not always someone's fault

@LostTheMarble

Again, what do you do for her? Why do you think it’s a her problem and not how you have decided your relationship is only loving and connected through sex?
I think the fact that she didn't want sex with any of her past boyfriends is a pretty big clue.

@letsgoooo are you going through my posts one by one and tagging me? Because I’m already bored. I responded based on the information (or lack of) the op gave. Young family and woman losing sexual interest has many reasons but as I said in a previous post (that I’m sure I’ll get a beep saying you’ve tagged me in), women in similar situations are usually to exhausted to meet their men’s sexual needs on top. The only way the op will know what the actual issue is is by talking to her.

Nope can't find the thread. But the precis was

She didn't want sex
She didn't want to work
She didn't want a divorce
She did want him to continue cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids hobbies
She did tell the therapist all this, after a few sessions the therapist admitted they couldn't help.

Upshot he's moving out and getting a divorce.

It was the saddest tale from a decent man.

Not throwing blame at anyone but you can be incompatible and 35 is too young to be celibate.

So get some therapy if that will help, but if she doesn't fancy you and is honest about it, the balls in your court.

This

OP, if you still love her and want to do whatever you can to keep your family together, please reread this post and others in a similar spirit, and make the effort to show her you are willing to fight for your marriage. Good luck.

Absolutely brilliant advice!
OP, there is hope. As many people have said and experienced, having young children impacts heavily on a relationship. Parents of young children feel utterly drained and exhausted. You are still having sex; this needs to be addressed on a step by step process.
Oakandashsplash's advice is a good starter.
Wishing you well for the whole family

How old are your children?

If you’re anything like my DH you may think childcare is split equally but it’s really not.

Do you pull your weight in other ways around the house (aside from cooking?)

Would your wife like to work more if she could, is she a SAHM the rest of the time or are the kids at school?

And are you affectionate with her in a way where you are not pressuring or expecting sex after?

Is it though?

I doubt the wife just woke up one day and decided she didn’t fancy her exes 10+ years ago without some reason behind it. OP is still choosing to be vague about things despite being asked several legitimate questions by other posters.

OP says they “help out” yet don’t say how old their two children are.

OP know frequent sex makes them feel connected and loved yet doesn’t seem to know what makes their wife feel those same feelings nor says that they have actually asked apart from assuming it is something about their appearance and they’ve been told no.

They also haven’t elaborated what they actually want from their wife when they mean more frequent. Understandably they want it more than once every few months but frequent means different things to different people and depending on the ages of their kids, OP may be being unrealistic with it.

Whatever age your kids, if you have a loving and relatively stress free life together, then you do need to establish how and why your DW feels no interest.

It is only fair that you are both really honest with one another - but do not try to have this conversation in bed! Set aside a mutually agreed time to chat - no accusations or blame or hurt - just try to understand each other better.

If no obvious cause, encourage her to get her thyroid checked. (I appreciate your partner has ceased to fancy other partners, so perhaps this is unlikely), but if a person is deficient it can be easily rectified and is very important for their long term health (heart health, to avoid hair loss, to increase metabolism so aids weight loss, although I know 2 very slim women diagnosed with low thyroid so weight gain isn't always a symptom. Medication also helps to avoid long term muscle pain, extreme tiredness, depression etc. On the right dose, libido should reappear & bloods should be checked regularly. Women are more likely to be deficient than men, but men can be deficient too. Good diet & exercise helps. If not thyroid, HRT is another possibility or trying a different form of birth control.

I hope you both manage to work things out. A sexless marriage can be a very lonely place to be.

Jesus wept. (Interesting username!)

Just sex, mate. Because, y'know, someone's actually inside your body in the most intimate way possible.

It's like asking why rape is worse than theft - all someone's done is take something from you that you didn't want to give, after all! 🙄

Same here - him helping around the house more wouldn’t make me want to have sex with him. I don’t know where this idea comes from that women are turned on by men doing some housework. Yes , if you’re doing everything and you’re tired it’s going to make a difference but if a woman has needs she’s not going to deprive herself because her husband didn’t wash up! There are usually much deeper reasons

Do some women like to see their men in marigolds and a tabard?! Doubtful. Or is it the classic sex as a weapon. You behave all week little man, clean the bog and dust the stairs and I'll let you have a fondle.

It’s not about being turned on by them cleaning…. It’s about not being so absolutely exhausted by doing all the housework and being responsible for the whole running of the household so that you have energy left over to have sex.

'for some reason'

Having sex you don't want can lead to a serious sexual aversion. It can cause a huge amount of trauma just like with rape.

Doing other things for your partner you don't want to do might be annoying or frustrating or boring but it doesn't tend to lead to trauma.

Very apt username!

For Gods sake this really isn't that difficult to understand.

Women are often turned off when their partner does NOT do the housework, because it often leads to exhaustion and resentment and feeling like they have another child to look after.

That kills desire.

It doesn't mean that a woman is going to get horny when she sees a man washing the dishes. It just means that if he pulls his weight that she is not likely to start to feel turned off him for that particular reason.

If occasionally having consensual sex with someone you love when you aren't completely up for it gives you trauma, I'd say that's your problem, not mine.

And just because people seem to have missed it, my comment was not in response to the OP but a PP.

The username is apt I agree, but it's not referring to me.

I'm not referring to myself so it's not my problem.

It does and can give people significant amount of trauma, and it's a problem for both people in those relationships.

It doesn't tend to happen in people who 'aren't completely up for it' because for a lot of those people they will be able to get into it.
It happens in people who really don't want to do it but force themselves to do it. I

Well then, if you actually go back and read my posts, I think you'll find we're mostly in agreement there, because in no way am I saying that having sex with someone when you really don't want to is OK (and I can't believe I'm actually having to make that clear).

The original post was probably too flippant a reply to a post I found quite OTT, but maybe I also have a different view of sex than most people too, especially within a loving relationship.

@Janiie

"This is a joke yes?!"

No! 😄😄😄

I saw what you responded to and your response. That was what I was responding to.

Just skimmed your posts.
The attitude that sex always has to be fantastic, totally equally desired by both parties and always special or otherwise it's disgusting is just weird. The pedestal some people seem to put it on betrays a fantasy view of life and relationships that's totally at odds with reality.
I assume that's the different view to most people that you refer to?

TBH I think most people have that view on sex, and that it doesn't always have to be fantastic or special. Sometimes it's special, sometimes it's out of horniness, sometimes it's because they feel really close to their partner, sometimes they just want to make their partner happy, but it's not as strong as having to force themselves to do something they desperately don't want to do, they will end up enjoying it or at least feeling neutral about the sex itself but happy their partner was content.

That's all well and fine and very common in loving relationships.

It's an entirely different scenario when the mutual enjoyment of sex has been gone out it for some time, which seems to be the case for the OP. When you're at the stage of every few months, get on top and get it over with. That's a very good sign that this has gone past the point of no return and that sexual desire for him won't ever return. And it makes perfect sense because people in that situation have to force themselves to have sex, and they know that their partner knows that they don't want to do it, but their partner goes along with it anyway.

Think everyone is making alot of assumptions that the op acts like an arsehole hence doesn’t deserve sex! Quite unfair really!

Because being exhausted and resentful has no impact on libido.

Sure. Men should just get what they want and never have to put any effort into a marriage. That'll work.