Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

It does, however I don’t think it always has something to do with simply enjoying sex.

I enjoy sex but if I’m exhausted and have to fight for time to be by myself and not on alert for someone else’s needs and wants, it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, I rather spend a few hours alone to focus on just me than engaging in good sex.

From what I see of many men on different platforms about how sex has dwindled after having children, few seem to consider that it is a necessity for most humans to have time alone to themselves and even take it personal that their wives want time to themselves (outside of basic needs) even though they themselves often go out alone or engage in activities they enjoy without wife and children in tow.

I'm interpreting your "pragmatic" view of sex as transacional. Your comments appear to equate the kind of sex OP and his wife are having as similar to "something else you do that you don't want to do".

I tried to show you how having sex "once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly" is problematic for a great many women, but clearly you don't want to listen.

I too have been married for now 17 years, very happily. From a woman's perspective I have plenty of knowledge of how to navigate a successful long term relationship.

OP, plenty of women have given some great nuggets of advice / perspective / information from a woman's perspective. If you can have a strong enough ego to listen, then you'll find some excellent solutions to your problem.

But if you choose find it more comfortable to listen to the MRA types on here, your chances of success will be drastically lower.

And you clearly don't want to listen to an alternative point of view either (and presumably haven't read any of my other replies here to other people). Some people view sex and love differently to you, it doesn't mean that they're right and you're wrong or vice versa, it's just what it is. I'll leave it there.

I didn't know my husband was on here 😳

@phoenixrosehere

letsgoooo
See this depends on the woman. I have always enjoyed sex and find it relaxes me at night.
I don't find my dh wanting sex to be 'pestering'because I want it too

....It does, however

It does however what? Sorry I'm not sure what this refers to.
I don’t think it always has something to do with simply enjoying sex.

I enjoy sex but if I’m exhausted and have to fight for time to be by myself and not on alert for someone else’s needs and wants, it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, I rather spend a few hours alone to focus on just me than engaging in good sex.
Yes but if I was tired and he wanted sex and I said I was tired I wouldn't find that pestering. I would find that to be a conversation’
9/10 he would know I was tired and wouldn't ask. But if he thought I might be up for it when I wasn't I'd just say 'not tonight' and he'd say 'ok' and there would be no weirdness from anyone to anyone

Could she be cheating/.

Or perhaps she always had low sex drive but was using you to get children? (I notice the age gap).

I feel for you OP.

There’s a natural urge to want to have sex when you’re fertile and want to reproduce and a natural disinclination once you have your family unit. This is just biology. Men are wired to just keep trying to reproduce all the time it seems. You should consider using porn instead to fill the gap or even a massage parlour.

I really disagree with this comment on all levels. I have no urge to reproduce but enjoy a very active sex life with my dp. He feels the same in terms of creating more children. I’m female and prob in perimenopause . Op has says he loves wife, sees her as beautiful and wants to make a connection with her sexually. Sex workers are not a great option here, He wants sex with his wife which is a pretty normal thing in most relationships.
I think for anyone to help advise op more info needs to be provide by him. @Ollie90 have you had a conversation with your wife about trying to get to the bottom of why she no longer wants sex? Or are you afraid the answer will be that she’s no longer attracted to you?

I don’t think she’s cheating.
the older child is from a previous relationship and younger one is ours. After he was born she said about getting the snip which I did. Seems abit pointless now in truth 😂

We don’t want anymore children and after our son I get the snip which was her suggestion.
I’ve mentioned it a few times and never go an exact answer and she assures me she still fancies me. She said the sex has always been great and she’s never had sex like it before where all the attention is on her with massages and going down on her which she’s never had so it’s not ‘bad sex’. She just says she’s tired all the time and from 8pm until she goes to sleep which is normally mid night is her time to watch tv every night and she doesn’t want to doing stuff with me and she wants to chill out.

Ha ha!

Seriously though... Yes, quite possibly. To reframe it: resentment kills sexual attraction.

Um, you’ve cut off the last bit of what I said. I said , however I don’t think it is down to good sex.

I also never said the word pestering so not sure why you’ve said that unless you are getting me confused with another poster.

Your DH wouldn’t ask if he would see you were tired but OP doesn’t seem to have the same with his wife hence him asking her. He also has says he doesn’t recognises any changes despite his wife telling him she is tired, busy, has a lot in her mind, etc.

I know you are hearing what's said very negatively, but it isn't all intended that way.

Women are generally socialised to think about everyone else. So all day it's about the school run, feeding people, shopping for people, fetching people, bathing people, cuddling people.

There's a joke about women who want to change their name because it feels like 'Mum, Mum, Mum!' All day long .

There's loads of multi tasking. Even when another parent is pulling their weight, it's unusual for women not to be worrying about everything and everyone or at least bearing them in mind.

Women usually know the name of the teacher, head and class assistant, best friends, best frenemy, husband's boss/bestie/frenemy. Men often know none of the above.

Women therefore find they run out of energy to think about themselves and just be them.

If you did regularly did the dinner and bedtime routine while she had a couple of hours at the gym or having a bath- without interruption- she might find her calm again and be ready to look outwards when the 9pm slot arrives.

If you play your cards right and work with her, as the children become less needy she'll have more time for herself. And time for herself is likely to allow time for you too.

Re the sex thing- having sex because your partner wants it can be really damaging. It's ok if she's definitely enjoying it, enjoying the cuddles and closeness but still with a preference for speed. But not if she's lying there feeling like she's ticked something off the list. Just check she's engaged and with you rather than switched off and writing a shopping list.

Time isn't the be all and end all. DH used to take ages over it all and I lost interest- I literally got bored and couldn't keep up the attention span. I wanted a bit of speed and excitement, but he didn't like that 🤣. He wasn't great at reading where my body was, he just messed about with it prodding things and tweaking things and generally being annoying.
I'm trying to say, what matters is how she responds and feels, not whether you are using all the 'top ten moves to turn her on' that you read in a lads' mag.

Paying attention to how she feels is so important.

It's a two way thing, but you are the one who is asking!

Tbh I’ve been in my marriage for ten years, I fancy and love my husband but having sex with the same person after this amount of time is boring, I know I’m not the only one who feels that. Maybe your wife feels the same and now it’s become a bit of a chore. Also after a long day at work when the kids have gone to bed all I want to do is have some “ me time” to decompress a bit. She might resent having to give that time up if it’s unplanned- therefore to get round this and it might sound a little unromantic , but i tell my husband- right well let’s have sex on “ this day” as then you can kind of prepare your self that your not going to have as much “ downtime “ as you originally would after work. Hope that makes sense. My advice don’t pressure her and ask her if there’s something you could do to spice up your sex life to make it interesting again. Also my husband has the bad habit of wanting sex when we go to bed which is when I’m knackered so try earlier on in the evening! Hope this helps

This. Sometimes things just come to an end with no one at fault.

I couldn't think of a worse section to ask this kind of question on.

Thanks this helps a lot and sounds very similar.

I can completely understand why you may be feeling a lack of intimacy and affection. It really does take a toll on a relationship, and while it is not your wife's fault she has a low libido, it's not your fault you want more frequent sex either.

I am in a very similar situation to you (well, your wife). The reason my libido has decreased so significantly is a combination of depression and ADHD. Is this something that may be relevant to your wife?

@Ollie90 - this really resonates with me - alongside @KeirSpoutsTwaddle’s post about the mental and physical load of being mum. It can honestly feel as if there is never a second’s break from people asking you things, wanting things, needing things, grabbing hold of you, climbing onto your lap etc, and it is exhausting. You just want some time to be yourself, not mum. Some time with no-one making demands of you.

And when you are that exhausted, even good sex feels like yet another physical demand on you when you’d rather sleep, or curl up with a book, and just decompress. It is a level of physical, mental, and emotional weariness that I hadn’t imagined, before I had kids, and the impact it can have is huge.

Maybe you need to look at ways to give your wife what she needs - maybe you do some of them already - get up with the kids and let her have a proper lie in (no mothering from the kids, or from you - pure peace and quiet. Take them off to the park or to play in the garden or play a game with you, when you get in, so she can have a break. Get them to help you in the kitchen - it is perfectly possible to cook and supervise kids at the same time, so ‘I can’t have them underfoot in the kitchen’ would be a rubbish excuse. I guarantee you your wife has to multi-task when she is looking after the kids and the house.

As both I and other posters have said, for most women, we need to feel loved and cared-for before we can feel like sex, so you need to be willing to put in the groundwork there, to build the circumstances in which she will start to feel sexy again.

I can't believe the results of this poll. We are really sliding backwards with the way we look at women. Apparently quite a few men think we should just submit whenever they feel like it, regardless of how we feel. It seems like quite a few women feel the same.

So glad I am single. At least no one aroung me will be nagging at me to have sex whether I want to or not.

It's not that surprising, a lot of men feel entitled to sex from their partners. It was a very long fight to get rape recognised in marriage. Many women are stuck in this situation, having sex that they don't want for an easy life or to keep their relationship.

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle

Women usually know the name of the teacher, head and class assistant, best friends, best frenemy, husband's boss/bestie/frenemy. Men often know none of the above.

I disagree but I also think that in many relationships the men know when the car, house, health etc insurance needs to paid. They deal with the gas electricity and council tax payments. Get the cars serviced and MOT'd, deal with the finances. Carry the burden of stress when it comes to finances. Have the responsibility of earning enough fall mainly in their shoulders.

Not all men. But all relationships but then neither are all men unable to name their dc teachers/best friends etc.

In traditional set ups, BOTH parents carry stresses and mental load. In modern set ups many roles are shared or mixed differently.

It is when one person is doing it all that there is inequality.

How can life be easy if you are living with someone who doesn't even care about your about your lack of enthusiastic participation?

I meant easy life to stop the nagging and pestering.

I think it would be easier to leave him.