To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

My son is 11 and is about to finish Y6 and start Y7 in September. The past month or so he seems to have grown up in lots of ways in a short space of time. He's come home saying he has a gf, a new girl at school, and spends a lot of time on the phone with her (he's only had a phone since he started cycling to school independently a year ago and never bothered with it. We had to remind him to charge it). Today he said he was going to cycle down to the nearby park to meet said gf and some other friends we know. He's never gone out independently to meet friends before, he's quite shy and timid but I was really happy he wanted to do this and let him go. About 20 minutes later he comes back home with this new gf in tow.
I said it was lovely to meet her but did her mum definitely know she was here and was it OK with her? I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number, she willingly gave it to me and they went upstairs and I texted the mum. I don't know her name, whereabouts she lives or anything about her. I said "Hiya, it's XX, DS's mum. Just checking you are aware YY is at our house and that is OK with you? It's fine with us if it is with you, lovely to meet her" 20 mins later she texted back "yeh that's fine but back by 6 plz".
Is it just me that thinks it's a bit odd to let your kid go to other peoples houses without checking with the parents first and not knowing a damn thing about said parents? I could be a raging drug addict, passed out on my sofa with a needle in my arm with a couple of rabid dogs running around for all this woman knows.
I don't know if DS is expecting to go round to GF's house on the whim of an invite but I am not at all comfortable with it until I've met her parents.
Am I too uptight and is this just a normal part of growing up? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

At some point you need to trust his judgement.

I don’t know all the parents of my kids friends. But I trust they won’t make friends with dangerous people and won’t want to go into a house with a drug addict mum with a needle hanging out of her arm! But I live in a very safe area so they would struggle to make friends with someone like that.

This mum has communicated with her daughter and she has been given a time to be home. She is going to a friend’s house, not the house of some random boy she just met on the street.

I do have a tip for you though. If you don’t want your son to be hanging out in houses where you don’t know the parents then come September you need to be super welcoming to anyone and everyone. Not saying you need to contact all of the parents before they can come in etc. Kids will always want to go to someone’s house to hang out after school, especially in the winter. Make it your house that they all want to hang out in.

I feel your pain, OP. I have had to get used to my DCs making new friends at secondary school and not knowing anything about them or their families. All have turned out to be lovely though 😀

I was recently freaked out when I was near my DS at his friends house and needed to give my DS a lift home and he didn't answer his phone. I realised he was at a house with "Fred" and I didn't know Fred's surname, address or contact number so I had no idea where my DS was and couldn't contact him!!!

Try to train your child to be responsible - to give you basic details and to let you know where he is, within reason. And good luck!

I can’t imagine getting a text to check that my own child has checked with her own phone there clearly visible to get the number tbh.

I can track my kids phone as can most parents these days. I trust my child
to let me know however but can check and do remind close to coming home time.

We would probably have a good laugh tbh. After your text to me I would
of text DD (year 7) your mates mum just text me…. Why’d you give a stranger my number 🤣🤣🤣 Then she would prob text back that you was some weird controlling mum and I’d probably warn her off your son tbh.

Back by 6pm prob confirms that she thinks it’s weird you’ve text tbh.

I reread it. You’re right.

So on 6 weeks he will meet more new friends and maybe go to theirs when you’ve not met parents or have them to yours. We are just finishing y7 for the second time. First time was Covid and that child doesn’t socialise. This time it’s been a huge learning curve. She’s been to lots of friends houses and had friends over and no parents have met. I’ve collected a few times and just said a brief thanks at the door. When she was invited to a sleep over I made a point of dropping her and saying hello to the mother and passing on my number. Turned out she was a few years below me at school back in the day. Next child for sleep over I did the same, introduced myself at the door as I dropped off. Barely knew her from her other child but not well. My child practically lives at that house now!! She’s invited all the time for tea, sleep overs, days out, even a weekend away. I’ve got to know parents - well, mum - since. It’s all fine.

You’ll find they arrange their social life on their own from September, on their phones and just expect parents to taxi them about. lol. My ex h got annoyed as he dropped my DD at her friends and near my house and sat through traffic to get there to find out they were going out for the day somewhere near his house and he could have dropped her there and missed the traffic. He tried saying all meet ups need to go via parents but in reality he hardly sees them and we’ve not had any issues since as I ask the right questions when she’s organising things. He doesn’t see DD enough for it to even be an issue.

Does nobody have “latch key” kids anymore. I work so my two were coming home alone from the last year of primary. They’d be alone until I got home at 5. I always made them tell me where the were going and who with but I didn’t speak to the parents as a rule. The exception being when they got to 16 and they would have a couple of cans of cider at a bbq at mine. I would check with parents first that it was ok (as they would with me) other than that. I had no contact.

in work on public transport and it’s common to see groups of 10/11/12 year old travelling together on weekend to the skatepark or the cinema

When my kids were young teens I had them send a one word text if they wanted /needed to leave. I would then ring them telling them to come home. They were allowed to argue with me and I would insist. That way they didn’t lose face and I was the bad guy. That suited me fine. Also though my house was the one they came to the most. I’m blunt but quite kind, also in my house I knew what they were up to 😜
That said,my wind your neck in now face still works with both my kids and their friends they are in their 30’s now and their friends still drop in to see us sometimes.

Due to a completely different situation my child has find my iPhone. When out and about they prefer me to check on there instead of msging so they don’t look like they are checking in. We also have a code so if it’s sent I can go straight to where my child is no questions asked. Would this help so you have an idea when he’s out and about?

My son’s in Yr 7 and there’s varying levels of parenting, with other kids. I always insist on getting mobile numbers of parents, if my DS goes to any of any of friends houses. When kids would come round, i would invite the parent in for 5 mins at pick up.

This.

The fact your son has brought his ‘girlfriend’ back to yours and is open about it and confident about you meeting her and her meeting you is great.

And I have to say, I completely agree with you checking that the girl’s mum at least knows where she is. You maybe don’t have to text the mum yourself but just making the girl check in with her mum seems absolutely common sense to me. People going on about you ‘having to get used to it’ and you being ‘OTT’ are being really harsh. He’s still year 6. He’s never gone out with friends yet that you don’t know. Of course you are going to be wary at first. These things take time to get used to. It’s not like you’re still going to be doing this in year 9!

I’d much prefer my son had friends with mums like you than ones who have absolutely no idea what their kids are up to until the police knock on their door to say they been implicated in some crime or have been knocked down on an escooter. Seriously, you can’t bloody win!

So, someone just looking out for your kid and checking you know where she is, gets laughed at and mocked and then you try to micromanage your daughter’s relationship by telling her not to hang out with the son. You sound lovely.

@orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements I think you’re getting a hard time on this thread. Start of secondary school my mum and friends mums knew each other

as we got older they weren’t aware we were staying at lovely Alice's house when we were actually passed out in the local park or her dad was trying to chat us up

he’s 11!

Kids will always want to go to someone’s house to hang out after school, especially in the winter. Make it your house that they all want to hang out in

That sounds awful, a group of kids you don't know wandering in and out of your home. Don't people value their privacy and peace. What's wrong with inviting a friend over?

They have years ahead of them to 'hang out' in groups.

Sad to think of an 11 year old traipsing in and out of different houses, left to their own devices every evening. Trying to be part of the 'in' crowd.

yes completely that… rather than warning my child that she’s hanging around with a kid whose life is micromanaged to the extent they don’t understand childhood norms. Well done.

Maybe I’ve got two in secondary and this bat shit has never ever happened. So yes it would be extremely weird and come across as a controlling weird family I wouldn’t want mine involved in.

Sleep overs sure check in. But in your house for maybe an hour after my own child has checked in with me and could prove that on their on phone. Your an over controlling parent and can expect people to pull away 🤷🏻‍♀️

Love the fact you see no irony in talking about how controlling this mother is whilst you decide to control who your children get involved with rather than let them make their own decisions as to whether their friends are ‘weirdos’.

Someone used the term ‘helicopter parent’- I became that parent only after one too many ‘we were in x’s house, his mum and dad weren’t there but his big brother was there’ or ‘we went down to the building site/ canal etc’. Cue us cutting down on the amount of time they were allowed out or getting them to come to us/ paying for them to go to the cinema/ bowling etc. Teens shouldn’t be left roaming so often- and am sure the ‘where are their parents?’ people appreciate it!!

edited to add: doesn’t always work of course but have to try something!!!

I didn't let mine either unless i knew them. X

It sounds like once a child is 11 they can do what they want by the sounds of some of these replies.

I am with you OP. When my dd was in year 6 I knew all of her friends and their parents. Now that she is in secondary school, I know half of the parents as we are in a group chat together and came from the same primary. I admit that I won’t know all of her secondary school friends, but if a child is in my house I would want to make sure that their parents know where they are. If not I will assume that their parent either doesn’t care too much or is working.

I grew up in a household where my mum worked, most of my friends parents worked and we would go to each others houses when our parents didn’t know. If I went to a friends house and told my mum she would want to know a little about them. Looking back we were out in pretty dangerous situations at times - but I guess we lived through them!

I now use birthdays to get to know my dad friends and we organise family days out to catch up with parents. I personally find that you can learn a lot from a person through their household and this is something that we as adults are more observant about compared to teens.

The girl had already texted her mum to tell her where she was.

It's OP's subsequent need to further obtain the mum's phone number and then also text herself that many on this thread find unecessary. This has been twisted into "parents who don't care about knowing where your child is", by those who disagree.

Depends where she lives… in Worcestershire we have a three tier system where Y6 is the start of middle school. And if your child goes to a combined middle and high school, they do indeed go there at the start of Y6.

So when the first batch of kids arrived at mine for tea - 3 of them - I didn’t contact the parents. The kids did from their phones whilst they came in. After they’d eaten and it was time to go home the parents picked them up. Usually from the road outside. None came to the door. I’ve been on the other side and dropped or picked up my child from the friend’s house but I usually say a quick hello. I’ve also dropped the kids off from mine if needed. They came for tea one time. First time I’d met them. They then came with us to watch my child on an activity they do. I then dropped off after, waiting til a parent appeared to open the door and waved. Some speak and some don’t. There were a couple of birthday meals out at the beginning of the year where I dropped my child and said a quick hello to the parent to introduce myself.

One of the parents I’ve since got a number for as I said up thread my child goes there a lot and the mum keeps in touch now. Another friended me on fb. All of the others I’ve no number for.

I can track my child though on their phone. And if they are going somewhere off plan after school they always text to check in and let me know. ‘Am I ok to go up to get a bubble tea with x ?’ Or if they’ve arranged to meet at the shopping centre on a weekend and need to pop to a friend’s house I get a text ‘am I ok to pop to X’s house as she needs to walk the dog/get changed/get cash (delete as appropriate for reason)’. So I do always know where they are. We live in a fairly safe area. A large town. Most kids homes are walking distance via cycle paths. I guess if we lived over the border into the next county (literally a mile from my house) it would be a different story as the kids in the next counties go to school across many towns and villages, get buses and trains, travel across several bordering counties etc and one is a main city and the others are almost small city centres. There are less desirable parts of those places. I guess we are lucky where we live.

Op you parent your child within your comfotability range.
There are a number of parents, (at my kids secondary) who'd want to meet other parents first, others who let their kids make all their own arrangements with their friends. There isn't a right or wrong on this one. My ds attempted to make arrangement to meet up with his friends and the plonkers left out some vital information (like time and place 🤦‍♀️), I now oversee their plans, and and I keep an eye out on them (very much in the background, but in my experience 11/12 / 13 and to a lesser extent 14 year olds don't always make the most sensible decisions). I'm lucky in that over the summer holidays I drop my hours down to one day a week, lots of parents don't have that flexibility, so have no choice but to trust their kids with making their own plans, you'd be hard pushed to find any holiday clubs for secondary age kids, so again lots of parents don't have a choice.
In my experience the kids really don't mind me being in the background, and I know two of the parents are happier there is an adult keeping an eye out. All, bar two, of my kids friends parents have met me, and come to my place before, allowing their kids to free range😀. My house is the normal hangout zone in the summer,despite the fact it's tiny, so sometimes it does feel like I have a heard of rampaging elephants flying up and down stairs!
Personally for me, once I've met my kids mates (not necessarily the parent(s), I make that judgement call on whether I'm happy with my kids going to their house, 98% of the time I'm fine with it, but just occasionally my instinct kicks in and it's a straight up 'no'.
I wouldn't let them go if I've not met their friends, my kids might be teens and in another year dd, will have loads more freedoms, but for now, my duty as a parent remains keeping them safe, as far as it is possible.

This is very normal for year 6 kids, but yes it does seem to happen really quickly they go between having play dates with parents present to more or less organising their own social lives (with people who are strangers to you) between Y5 and Y7, with all the steps in between in Y6

I think some of the posts here are harsh. But it’s AIBU if you had eg said you had done x which your friend thought lax parenting you’d get the opposite responses!

As mentioned by at least one poster, I did think of a certain time growing up when I was in and out of neighbourhood houses. However, it’s not comparable as parents would have known the parents already.

I think it depends on the child and the circumstances. We are semi rural. DS12 has his social life organised by me. Otherwise little would happen, they’d just sit there sharing memes on phones! occasionally he will ask to go over to X’s house can you talk to their mum and gives me their number if I don’t have already have it. I do have many numbers as half of them came up from the same prep school. The ‘new mums’’ are always keen to chat at school events. They are not at the stage of going out independently beyond a bit of time locally. another 6-12 months and they will probably take the train places. It is a small private school and the year 7s do seem young .

DS16 moved areas/school 3 years ago so half way through (fairly big state) senior school and had to make friends. I don’t know many of the parents. He organises and we will drop off and pick up outside. I know some of the friends and they have been around here. We did run into an issue where he was saying he was staying at a male friends house he walked to and was actually staying at girl A’s house. She was the friend of a girl B he was involved with. Turned out they were having mixed sex sleepovers with no parents in the house overnight. We weren’t happy about this at age 14/15. Girl A and B had been friends since year 7. Girl B’s mum had not known about the boys present or no parent in the house overnight and I’d say she is more involved than us. she didn’t have Girl A’s mum’s number (had met her once or twice earlier on) and never checked arrangements with her. She’d always trusted her daughter.

Unlike some others I wouldn’t want to be THE house where everyone congregates.. feeding existing teenagers in the house costs enough! There is also then risk of drinking, vaping, THC vaping, weed etc involving other people’s underage children. Sadly some of that happened in our house without our knowledge when we were in the house.

If it’s a child from school then it’s not like it would be impossible for anyone to track him down if needed in an emergency. What are the chances that your son is going to make friends with a drug dealer’s kid who goes to the same school as him and he wouldn’t phone you to pick him up if things were uncomfortable or he’d not want to go there again? It’s such a weirdly specific example where your son probably wouldn’t be putting himself into that situation anyway. It’s not a person he met on the street whose house he’s going into, it’s a friend that he chose from him school.