To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

My son is 11 and is about to finish Y6 and start Y7 in September. The past month or so he seems to have grown up in lots of ways in a short space of time. He's come home saying he has a gf, a new girl at school, and spends a lot of time on the phone with her (he's only had a phone since he started cycling to school independently a year ago and never bothered with it. We had to remind him to charge it). Today he said he was going to cycle down to the nearby park to meet said gf and some other friends we know. He's never gone out independently to meet friends before, he's quite shy and timid but I was really happy he wanted to do this and let him go. About 20 minutes later he comes back home with this new gf in tow.
I said it was lovely to meet her but did her mum definitely know she was here and was it OK with her? I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number, she willingly gave it to me and they went upstairs and I texted the mum. I don't know her name, whereabouts she lives or anything about her. I said "Hiya, it's XX, DS's mum. Just checking you are aware YY is at our house and that is OK with you? It's fine with us if it is with you, lovely to meet her" 20 mins later she texted back "yeh that's fine but back by 6 plz".
Is it just me that thinks it's a bit odd to let your kid go to other peoples houses without checking with the parents first and not knowing a damn thing about said parents? I could be a raging drug addict, passed out on my sofa with a needle in my arm with a couple of rabid dogs running around for all this woman knows.
I don't know if DS is expecting to go round to GF's house on the whim of an invite but I am not at all comfortable with it until I've met her parents.
Am I too uptight and is this just a normal part of growing up? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

DD is yr 5, she's just started going out to play, we have quite a few of her friends within a couple of minutes walk of the house.

They will now spend most of the weekend wandering to each others houses, hanging out there for a bit, then picking up someone else and coming back here for a bit, then dropping one back and continuing on to the others house and so on.

I know of the parents but don't know them by name just as x's mum.

Its a weird feeling at first but we set up rules about things like regular check ins, where the boundaries are that she's allowed to walk to, and not going anywhere with the parents/family members in a car without asking permission first.

I was so worried the other week because DS had a playdate and I had the mum's number but not the dad's who turned out to be the one who was at home with them and I didn't know their address. Had met them and they seemed (are) lovely but was horrible not knowing where he was. Only 7 though. I hope I will get more relaxed as they get older

No of course it's not weird. I can't believe you text the mum when the gf had already told you that she'd let her know. Why didn't you believe her? They are almost at secondary. You really don't need to be testing them like 5 year olds.

The weird thing for me is the mum's reply. It's a bit abrupt and it seems odd to put it on you to get her back by 6 when she doesn't know you.

I did believe her but I just felt like it was the responsible thing to do and I thought it best to cover myself if anything went wrong. I don't like the thought of another person's kid in my house unless I am a million per cent sure I'm allowed them there IYSWIM. It's just new territory for me.

Did you never go to your friend's house growing up? Because we were constantly in and out of each other's house while parents were at work since primary. My mum didn't really know any other parents as it was common for kids in primary to walk to school independently.

I think it's probably because the mum was quite surprised to receive such a text.

I'm afraid op, that in a few short months, your son will go round plenty of people's houses and you will never ever meet the parents!

I think by 11, and assuming they have a phone, the onus is on your child to tell you, not the parent of the friend.

In this situation, my dds would have texted 'I'm at bobs house, all cool, I'll be home by 6.' I would have thought it quite strange, I guess sweet if I was feeling generous, if the mum had texted me.

Yeah tbh I was slightly taken back by it. No hello, no thanks for having her, just have her back by 6. OK then.

In the nicest way, this is very OTT behaviour! I wouldn't have been bothered about this at all at that age. I would have left it up to the child to communicate with their parents, although I might have checked what time they had to be home if it was getting close to dinner.

Oh my, I've just realised the girl told you she had already text her mum. In that case op, that wasn't very good of you, you might as well have said 'I don't believe you.' That's why the mum texted back like that.

No, we played out in the street until it got dark but I never went inside unless it was arranged. No rules that I remember but it wasn't done. But playing out, yeh, from an early age with no parental supervision and it was amazing. I sometimes miss it 😂

It's something you'll need to get used to, though. You won't have anything to do with his social life for much longer, unless you're providing him with either food, money or taxi services

Pretty soon he'll be walking himself to/from school, hanging out with all his friends and probably going to the park or round their houses with absolutely no input from you whatsoever.

I think you might find the transition to secondary school a bit of a shocker.

You won't be taking him into the playground there or collecting him every afternoon. Neither will other parents. You won't therefore meet either his friends or their parents except very occasionally at parents' evenings.

You'll need to relax a bit about this. He has a phone and can presumably use it. You make sure that you generally know where he is going to be, but you won't be able to insist on getting to know his friends or their parents. You'll have to trust him, and just step in when things go wrong.

No you need to stop this inappropriate relationship with your son and this girl right now

Hang on, your shy, timid, 11yr old has a gf and is bringing her to meet you?
That really doesn't seem shy or timid to me.

That's fine though. He's cycled himself to and from school since the February of Y5 so over a year now that I haven't been to his school. I know his friends' mums though from earlier on in primary and from arranging playdates and drop offs/pick ups from each others houses.

I know. One minute he's a young 11yo and the next he's bringing home GFs and getting fitted for a secondary school blazer. You can see why I'm all of a flutter

😂😂😂excuse me??

I'd have died if my Mum did that. I think that's very over the top for a 13 year old having Mummy knock the door with you.

When my DS1 was in year 8 he brought home a boy after school. Luckily I was home because an hour later I had a phone call from the school asking if the boy was there as his dad was frantic and trying to track him down. The child was in year 7 which made it worse. The dad arrived to collect him shortly afterwards and I was illogically embarrassed and felt like a kidnapper. They were friends for years though so turned out well.

Yes!! exactly the sort of thing I was afraid of!

I have a yr 7 child and I'm very much on the liberal end of parenting scale - but I think it's okay to check in with another parent when they are 10 or 11! Just a quick message - hope you know they are here.

tbh i'm very relaxed and tbh push my son outdoors a lot! but I do worry when he is at the house of secondary school friend if it's late etc and I don't know the parents.

these things can happen gradually

I genuinely, and I can see how I don't look much like it on this thread, consider myself to be pretty liberal and laid back in my parenting but this is the first time I've ever had a child come over unannounced with no parental contact and I wasn't sure how to take it and I'm worried about my son doing the same. That's why I wanted opinions to see if I was BU. I'm sure ill settle into the norms but right now it's all a bit scary.
I really thought I'd done all I could to prepare for secondary school years too!!

Completely OTT.

I think there is more of a transition than most PP have suggested. You don't go from knowing the parents and being involved in arrangements to complete independence over night. Yes mine might have wandered to the shops or stopped off at a friend's house on their way home but I do recall meeting parents in year 7 - e.g when they came to collect their child from ours I would have a chat or sometimes invite them in for coffee. By year 8 all arrangements were made by the children but even then I'd meet parents sometimes on pick ups/ drop offs. Gradually that stopped and any parent collecting just stayed in their car or waved from the window.

Older children aren't really a burden in your house either - they entertain themselves, make their own snacks etc. I've rarely vetoed having a friend come round. And because they are more mature, they communicate with you about what they are doing and where they are. Your son won't stay the little boy he has been OP!