To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

My son is 11 and is about to finish Y6 and start Y7 in September. The past month or so he seems to have grown up in lots of ways in a short space of time. He's come home saying he has a gf, a new girl at school, and spends a lot of time on the phone with her (he's only had a phone since he started cycling to school independently a year ago and never bothered with it. We had to remind him to charge it). Today he said he was going to cycle down to the nearby park to meet said gf and some other friends we know. He's never gone out independently to meet friends before, he's quite shy and timid but I was really happy he wanted to do this and let him go. About 20 minutes later he comes back home with this new gf in tow.
I said it was lovely to meet her but did her mum definitely know she was here and was it OK with her? I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number, she willingly gave it to me and they went upstairs and I texted the mum. I don't know her name, whereabouts she lives or anything about her. I said "Hiya, it's XX, DS's mum. Just checking you are aware YY is at our house and that is OK with you? It's fine with us if it is with you, lovely to meet her" 20 mins later she texted back "yeh that's fine but back by 6 plz".
Is it just me that thinks it's a bit odd to let your kid go to other peoples houses without checking with the parents first and not knowing a damn thing about said parents? I could be a raging drug addict, passed out on my sofa with a needle in my arm with a couple of rabid dogs running around for all this woman knows.
I don't know if DS is expecting to go round to GF's house on the whim of an invite but I am not at all comfortable with it until I've met her parents.
Am I too uptight and is this just a normal part of growing up? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

By year 7 it is unlikely you will know any of their friends parents this is scary but perfectly normal.

I know all DS's friend's parents. He has kept in with the same friendship group. I would want to know where he was going until at least year 9.

Going round to friends' houses is fine. However, I'm concerned about how fixated your son is with this girl. He should be playing football or on the xbox with his friends rather than texting this girl all night long at 11 years old. It's a bit much for a child.

You need to talk to him about safe sex and teen pregnancy. How even having sex just the once or before a girl has started her period can result in pregnancy.

I have older kids than you and they absolutely aren't allowed to hang out aimlessly at the park (or in the street). But they can go to friend's houses even if I don't know the parents as long as it's pre-arranged.

I am sorry, but yes, I suspected as much.

I suppose you have to know your child. I was the teen that went to raving druggies houses.
my daughter I don’t think would be.if she trusts her daughters judgement I suppose you have to trust that.

You should definetely check when a teenager says they are going somewhere overnight.
Teenagers will lié and say they are going somewhere, when they are not.
The mother of one of the boys who died in the car crash last year had no idea her 18 year old son had hone off in a car with mates.
He told her something else.
The car left the road, ende up in a like and they all drowned.

If they are at school together surely you would know who her mother is? She probably knows you by sight at least.
I know names and numbers of every parent in my primary school age children's years. I think I have probably spoken to them all at parties and have seen the houses of all the same sex children as mine.
Ok small school but I can't believe you wouldn't even know what this girls parents look like????

That's very sad obviously. But at 18? At 18 I was at uni hundreds of miles away and just doing my own thing with no need to tell parents.

There were 5 classes at my DD's Primary. So no, I didn't know all the parents. In my DD's class I knew all the girls' mums/few of the dads but not all the boys mums.

I’m with the OP on this one, I would want to meet the boyfriend’s parents first - atleast at the door before she goes in, but also to check that’s where my daughter is actually going. An 11 year old girl going round her bfs house for the first time - there needs to be ground rules - aka the bedroom door is not to be shut. Surely this is normal? Find it weird the mum or the girl is not the least concerned/ interested. OP do you know if you were given the correct number?! Could they have given a mates number and they pretended to be the mum and text you? I’d ring possibly

I went into load of my friends houses from the age of 6 without ever telling my mum. We all went out to play all day and came home when hungrey. My friends also came to mine....we would be in and out like a yoyo.
This helicopter parenting needs to stop.

A lot of ‘cool mums’ on this thread.

Nothing at all wrong with expecting to know where your child is and whose house they are at.

I’ve met people who have this ‘chilled out’ attitude of not knowing exactly where their kid is. I have come away every single time thinking they just can’t be bothered to be a parent anymore and are using secondary school as an excuse.

And also there’s a huge difference between an 11yr old and a 15yr old.

I'm quite happy to be a helicopter parent if that's how you regard parents who don't know where their 6 year olds are.

Nobody is saying they don't want to know where their child is.
We are saying that, as parents, if our secondary school age child wants to go to a friend's house on an ad-hoc basis we don't need to speak to other parents, evaluate their values, expect to check in advance it's ok for our child to come round, meet other parents for coffee. None of these things will guarantee that our child is any safer. It's perfectly fine for our DC to message "going round to Robert's house after school; be home about 5".

Why can't they go to the park? Now that is odd. How is it better to be indoors?

Exactly - it's not that you are "cool" with not knowing where your child is. It's just that you don't need to meet the parents and check them out first. So when my child says "I'm going to Jamie's", I know exactly where Jamie lives, and know exactly when DS has said he'll be home, but I don't refuse to let him go because I haven't met Jamie's mum and dad.

Daughter moved school due to us moving house. Had a birthday party. Swim and sleepover. One parent dropped their child at pool. Never met me before. Didn't even say hello and picked child up next day without even coming to the door. Kids were 9. Unreal.
Didferent when they are 13 /14 but you were right to text when they are year 6 as they are onky 10/11

It's not the 1970s anymore. I'm pretty sure if a six year old did this today and their school found out, it would be raised as a safeguarding concern.

I can't believe the amount of parents on here quite happy with their children being around families they don't know 😳 I am absolutely with you on this one. I have to meet the parents. Even my oldest who is 17 I tell her I need to at least have a chat with the kids parents before I let her go there. Sorry but you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable!!

Even my oldest who is 17 I tell her I need to at least have a chat with the kids parents before I let her go there.

17???? Jeezo. 🚁

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 hilarious. My children are very independent thank you 😏 I just feel it's good manners to speak to the people who's house it is to make sure they are ok with my child being there and also to make sure they are not raging alcoholics or doped up on cocaine you know 🙄

And you'd be able to tell they weren't raging alcoholics or likely to be doped up on cocaine by talking to them in advance?
Most parents are quite capable of telling your child it's not convenient if they are not happy with them being there. Most 17 year olds are quite capable of knowing whether their parents are happy for them to bring friends home without warning and/or to check in advance.

My 18 year old is currently in Spain with 2 friends, one of whom is 17. I assume you would find this deeply dodgy (no parents at all!)

You sound quite uptight. You can't control your child forever, and (as he is demonstrating) this is about the right time to start letting go.

It’s tough seeing your baby grow up but you’re going to be a huge source of embarrassment to him if you continue like this.

Y7 - finding new friends, happy to socialise - he sounds really well adjusted and you’ve done a good job. Now it’s time to Step back a bit or he will start to resent you.

Exactly this.