To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

My son is 11 and is about to finish Y6 and start Y7 in September. The past month or so he seems to have grown up in lots of ways in a short space of time. He's come home saying he has a gf, a new girl at school, and spends a lot of time on the phone with her (he's only had a phone since he started cycling to school independently a year ago and never bothered with it. We had to remind him to charge it). Today he said he was going to cycle down to the nearby park to meet said gf and some other friends we know. He's never gone out independently to meet friends before, he's quite shy and timid but I was really happy he wanted to do this and let him go. About 20 minutes later he comes back home with this new gf in tow.
I said it was lovely to meet her but did her mum definitely know she was here and was it OK with her? I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number, she willingly gave it to me and they went upstairs and I texted the mum. I don't know her name, whereabouts she lives or anything about her. I said "Hiya, it's XX, DS's mum. Just checking you are aware YY is at our house and that is OK with you? It's fine with us if it is with you, lovely to meet her" 20 mins later she texted back "yeh that's fine but back by 6 plz".
Is it just me that thinks it's a bit odd to let your kid go to other peoples houses without checking with the parents first and not knowing a damn thing about said parents? I could be a raging drug addict, passed out on my sofa with a needle in my arm with a couple of rabid dogs running around for all this woman knows.
I don't know if DS is expecting to go round to GF's house on the whim of an invite but I am not at all comfortable with it until I've met her parents.
Am I too uptight and is this just a normal part of growing up? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

You need to let them have their independence

Of course, but independence can be eased into, doesn't need to happen all at once. I can't imagine giving a 12 year old the responsibility for organising her own social life! Great to expose them to different social situations, but you can fo that within a community of families you know and trust?

If a parent refused to meet me and have a chat I'd wonder what they were trying to conceal!

@fatereset I wouldn't refuse to meet you, but likely my dd would never give me that request as she would not particularly want friend's mum coming round. Or your dd not likely to pass on this message as nobody else does that and they don't like to be different.

Once they get to secondary they will make their own friends outside your trusted circle and it would be a shame to limit that. Unless child is known for following wrong crowd i think you have to trust their judgement. And ideally have them over at your house first.

The chances of them becoming completely unconscious and unable to tell anyone who their parents were are even slimmer than the chances of none of the other children knowing who their parents are.

And in some cases these could be avoided. Kids are kids. That's why they are classed as kids until 18. That's why they have parents. She can parent any way she likes and shouldn't be held to societies way of thinking, because it isn't always right.

More dangerous to be at the park than it is to be at a friend's house. Especially with all the random stabbings and bricks thrown these days.

I think it's odd you're so worried about it. The only time I've known anyone to be concerned about a friend's kid being at their house is because they're concerned they won't be able to get rid of them!

My fear with approach would be that if you keep asking to speak to parents first he'll start lying about where he is, because it's embarrassing having your mum buzzing round your friends once you're his age.

More dangerous to be at the park than it is to be at a friend's house

Surely that depends on what the friends house is like? I like to have at least set eyes on the parents so I know roughly what they seem to be like.

All these ridiculous comments about where else kids are killed 🙄
Some AREN't killed when taking ecstasy.
Some AREN'T killed when they get in a car with a drink driver.
Would you knowingly allow your 10 year old to go in the car with one? Or take drugs?
He's 10.
Stop making kids grow up too fast

The mum is a chav. What an awful response 😆

In England it's 11/12. The OP's son is in last year of primary

Or they learn the hard way that not all parents are good and that they can call you to collect them when a sleepover goes wrong.

I was able to give the contact details to the police of the parent my son was with when the Dad was drunk and started shouting at his son (my son's friend), and throwing things around.

For all the embarrassing times he thought I was nagging, this event showed him that an adult needs to know where they are.

Are people really this scared, of abusive homes, of park muggings, is it an excuse to be controlling or genuine uncontrollable anxiety?

I struggle to find time to have coffee with actual friends; I am not giving up time to meet a parent, who will not get to know me sufficiently well by having coffee with me, to know if I am going to be a danger to their child.

The idea of coffee isn't to check if you're a danger more to reassure myself you're a responsible adult who cares enough to be there for my DC if one of them is suddenly ill/injured/distressed. I wouldn't leave preteens at a home where no parent will be there. Surprised anyone would.

Understand we all have busy lives. Yet inviting a DC's parent into your home for a 5-10mins cup of tea is beyond your capacity? To me that screams unfriendly and not somewhere I'm comfortable leaving a child under 16.

Really? Do you not have a job? I mean who does that?

More dangerous to be at the park than it is to be at a friend's house. Especially with all the random stabbings and bricks thrown these days

Depends on area doesn't it? Around here the crime rate is very low. Other parts of the county not so much, I wouldn't go to some of those places myself let alone drop kids off there.

Less about anxiety more common sense. Bringing young teens up in a relatively safe, supportive community so there's always a responsible, approachable parent around if things go wrong.

Age 13 my friend was inappropriately touched and forced to touch, the older brother of a mutual friend. Parents were out, he was left in charge. As a young teen I remember a friend's birthday party getting out of hand when an older sibling invited his mates around, with weed and pills! Her parents had gone out so as not to cramp her style.

Another time we decided to have a bonfire, which got out of hand and burned down the garden fence. Luckily the neighbour was in as we all froze in terror!

If you don't know the parents of school friends why not encourage them to socialise with the kids of family friends, neighbours?

Really? Do you not have a job? I mean who does that?

I'm a SAHM now so it's easier. But when working full time I still managed to make time for friends and getting to know people. Priorities I guess.

Yes! It's just basic common sense to know where your kids are surely?! And to teach them the same. I'm not going for coffee with all these parents but I'd like to be able to say hi if I saw them in the street etc and to say thank you for lifts etc, it's also common decency!?

What's odd is insisting you text the mum directly.

Absolutely this! Common sense and courtesy seem to be dwindling on this thread!

I take it this is your eldest (possibly only) child.
it is a learning curve but one you do need to get use to quickly.
as you have been told by plenty, this is what life will become- maybe have a rule that he has to ask you first (& wait for the response rather than just going straight to the mate’s house). Also, an app like Life360/find my iPhone can be reassuring for these instances.

on a side note- did you always check with your parents before you went to a friend’s house? & did your parents always have to do a check on the parent’s first?

Some strange responses on here.

We live in a relatively safe nice area not an inner city and most kids walk to secondary school and back as its a 15-20 minute walk down a well lit main road.

Most kids round here would not be happy if parents were organising playdates beyond age 9-10 and no way would any self respecting secondary school age child be happy with mums organising them a play date!?!

When I was a kid my parents had to come knock on all my friends doors (we would play out in the street and invariably end up in someone’s garden) to find me. Or grab one of the kids as they zoomed past and ask where I was. Or simply stand in the road and shout me. And that was well before secondary. Not saying that’s how it should be today, but somewhere in the middle is best.

Youre going to have to get used to it. He’s never going to have any friends if he has to say ‘I can’t come to yours with everyone else unless my Mum meets yours first.’

Hes got a phone. He can text you the address and name of friend. He can send you a photo of the outside of the house as evidence if you need it, but more than that is a bit too heavy handed.

You are getting a hard time OP. It's a period of adjustment as you children grow and gain independence. It's a hard process,and it is a process. It is a change when children turn up on their own and I can remember thinking should I check things out or not. Its unusual for children to free roam these days at a younger age. I think it's something you'll get more used to and more comfortable with depending on how your son adapts .

Youre going to have to get used to it. He’s never going to have any friends if he has to say ‘I can’t come to yours with everyone else unless my Mum meets yours first.’

This may have been true in the 70s. I'm sure it's still the norm in many small villages or close knit communities today.

Nowadays there's so much more awareness, cases in the news of children/teens being abducted, assaulted or targeted by paedophiles. Cases where neighbours or parents/step parents have preyed on visiting children aren't hushed up (at least the ones that get reported).

It would be lovely to give children the freedom to roam the countryside and go from house to house, trusting nobody has bad intentions. The idea of being raised by a village.

But times have changed, society's changed, there's widespread poverty, knife crime, gun crime, gangs, drugs, trafficking.

Children are so innocent and vulnerable in that preteen-midteen bracket. I'll protect mine as much as I can. It's not all about having the most mates, being allowed the most freedom, popularity, getting streetwise. I think that's often used as an excuse by parents who can't be bothered to provide social opportunities for children this age within boundaries designed to keep them safer. It's a hassle driving them to and from activities, hobby clubs, holiday camps, organised meet ups. They kick up a fuss and guilt trip you because they want to do their own thing. As adults with life experience and better impulse control (hopefully) I think we're accountable for protecting them while they develop independence

I already said that you coming and saying hello when you picked up would be fine. You can come in and say hello when you drop off if you'd rather. Assuming I'm actually there, as I potentially won't be if it's straight after school. I won't ask you in for coffee because that requires more socialising with you than I want to do, and requires me to have the house in a tidier state that it's likely to be at a random time. Especially if you are going to be coming to judge me.

It is entirely normal for secondary school age children to be at home on their own after school. The complete lack of childcare for children that age reflects the lack of need.