To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

My son is 11 and is about to finish Y6 and start Y7 in September. The past month or so he seems to have grown up in lots of ways in a short space of time. He's come home saying he has a gf, a new girl at school, and spends a lot of time on the phone with her (he's only had a phone since he started cycling to school independently a year ago and never bothered with it. We had to remind him to charge it). Today he said he was going to cycle down to the nearby park to meet said gf and some other friends we know. He's never gone out independently to meet friends before, he's quite shy and timid but I was really happy he wanted to do this and let him go. About 20 minutes later he comes back home with this new gf in tow.
I said it was lovely to meet her but did her mum definitely know she was here and was it OK with her? I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number, she willingly gave it to me and they went upstairs and I texted the mum. I don't know her name, whereabouts she lives or anything about her. I said "Hiya, it's XX, DS's mum. Just checking you are aware YY is at our house and that is OK with you? It's fine with us if it is with you, lovely to meet her" 20 mins later she texted back "yeh that's fine but back by 6 plz".
Is it just me that thinks it's a bit odd to let your kid go to other peoples houses without checking with the parents first and not knowing a damn thing about said parents? I could be a raging drug addict, passed out on my sofa with a needle in my arm with a couple of rabid dogs running around for all this woman knows.
I don't know if DS is expecting to go round to GF's house on the whim of an invite but I am not at all comfortable with it until I've met her parents.
Am I too uptight and is this just a normal part of growing up? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

You might be, but that's not your fault, it's the child's.

My DD has a friend who we invited over, she wasn't allowed because they have never met me. Fine, but no effort to arrange any meeting, so no after school visits. A shame, you can see our house from the school. This was Yr8!

Surely you teach your child how to handle situations? Ask appropriate questions: do you have dog? springs to mind.

We also have a safety strategy. My DD's can text me a safe word and where ever they are, whatever they are doing, I'll come and collect. No questions. I will call to say I'm coming and that it's a family emergency and she needs to be home. I take the blame, she is safe.

I think your DD2 must be the friend who wasn't allowed to come to my DD's 18th birthday party on the basis that her mum had never met us.

We thought that was ridiculously overprotective (particularly as it was just 6 months before said friend was off to university). Your behaviour is also so. Is DD2 ever allowed to leave home?

That’s a whole lot of anxiety there. You need to be able to manage risk, not over control due to some issues you have, as the odds are you will damage your child before anyone else does

In order to manage risk we first have to identify the risks, assess and consider ways to reduce them. Otherwise it's just ignoring the risks and hoping for the best.

How do you see a child being damaged by a parent who is aware of the risks and sets boundaries?

Children benefit from socialising and visiting friends houses, but we can enable this by restricting whose homes they are visiting when they're preteens, then gradually giving them more freedom and responsibility as they get older. Hoping that by the time they leave high school they've had mostly positive social experiences, are able to make wise decisions about risks independently.

Such a huge gap between never letting a child go to other's homes... and being so busy/overconfident/naive that you let them go anywhere as soon as they start highschool!

Risks can't be eliminated but they can be drastically reduced.

My DD has made 2 friends at high school and I've met their parents from drop offs and picking up. But I agree they decide more between themselves. I think once they are secondary age the idea is if there was an issue they could leave/phone you to pick them up or whatever.

@FateReset that might be great in an ideal world. But secondary school really isn’t like you imagine in most cases. For a start friendship groups change frequently, you don’t bump into other parents at the school gates (most kids walk, use public transport or get dropped off around the corner), at sports days or kids birthday parties etc.

You might meet another parent by accident at an event, in town, picking up from a sports club or hobby or when dropping off or picking up but thats fairly rare. But anything else and an 11 year old’s mum insisting they want to meet her 11 year olds new friends mum isn’t cool and may not go down very well.

*How do you befriend secondary school mums? It's not like primary school where you see them in the playground every day.

And no, I don't want to have a coffee with a random mum of a child that mine has become friends with. If they want to pop in and say hello when they pick their child up, that would be fine. I can hide my axe murder tendencies for 5 minutes. *

Less about what I want to do (coffee with a stranger) more about what I should do. You befriend by making an effort to chat at drop off and getting to know the families DC is hanging out with. Don't you see parents at school events or local things or dropping off at parties/shopping trips/cinema?

If a parent cannot be bothered to chat over coffee, it says a lot to me about their attitude to risk. If they don't care about where/who their child is with, they won't care about mine and our values are likely very different.

Exactly this. And also what @BollockstoThis1 says.

We have a lot of involvement in DSDs life but literally probably know one or two of the parents of the (many) kids she hangs around with. She goes to and from school herself (meeting friends along the way). She has two after school sports clubs but even then she'll get herself home as they finish before 5. They don't do birthday parties anymore and the kids make arrangements between themselves for after school / weekends / sleepovers. It's just not the same as primary school at all. I suppose a lot has to do with phones these days as they can all just arrange stuff so easily with each other that it negates the need for parents involvement...

The only time we ever come across her friends parents is either when we're dropping her off or picking her up from their houses and even that's rare as we usually get a phone call saying "can you pick us up at the park / from the shops / at some completely random location we've never heard of".

Plus she changes her "best friend" and friendship group every week currently so we can't even keep up with her friends, never mind their parents! I think once she gets a bit more settled in high school this will change but for now it's just letting her find her feet a bit...

I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number,
yes you're the odd one, has he never played out? kids popping in and out to play in the house or garden?
My house has always had a stream
of pals in and out, I'd never be done checking!!

You can be comfortable with it or you can not be comfortable with it but you will never stop children from experimenting with the concept of "having a boyfriend/girlfriend." You can, of course, forbid it, to ensure they continue as normal but tell you nothing about it.

This idea is totally alien to me in all honesty. My ds would occasionally go to the park and meet with some friends to kick a ball around but no, I've never had their friends come and go. They would be invited and their parents would know and probably drop them off. Do you live in a very small town?

No! Not that old. He didn't turn his phone back on after school.

Why would I need to live in a very small town? The kids all went to school together; normal class of 30, I don't need to quiz them at the door, it's only on MN I see these kids who never leave the house without a military escort/ mummy hovering nearby.

I have a 12 year old, I do not need to know her friends parents. She arranges her own social outings etc.

I would side eye any parent who would want to meet me, just because our kids hang out.

I know its different for primary school kids, but secondary school. You need to let them have their independence.

Well she is married with a family of her own so she obviously did leave the house. She was actually relieved in the end that she didn't go to that party as there was trouble at it. The friend lived over 20 miles from us, I'd never heard her name mentioned and I wanted to make sure it wasn't a mixed sex sleepover. I didn't need to meet the parent but I did want to speak to them.

That's actually insane. I started Uni at 17, moved out and lived in Halls, not only had my Mum not met any of the parents but there were no parents present.

My dd is y6 but not yet 11 so I do kind of get where you are coming from. Although I think you probably should have stopped at just checking with the gf that she had let her parent(s) know where she was if you believed her.

We can never be too careful but there is a fine line between being responsible and being overbearing when they are transitioning to senior school.

If it worries you that much I suggest you start being the party mum who let's everyone come to yours and always has pop and snacks or your son is gonna end up outcast! This is the plan I am going with...always welcome at ours as long as your parents know then I don't have to worry where dd is 🤣🤣

. I don't want him in and out of stranger's homes.

They’re strangers to you so your ds has to make the call . You teach him strategies for being in undesirable situations. Surely this is common sense and I can’t be the only parent who did this 35 years ago, pre mobile times.
He gets invited to a friend he texts you. I’m going to J’s, 15 High Street home by 6.
If when he gets to J’s it’s a crack den he texts you and you have a safe word. My tooth’s hurting again means pick me up.
You teach him that grown ups don’t give kids alcohol, if offered you say no thanks I’ll get a glass of water. You teach him he can say no I’m going in any situation.
Weirdos don’t like assertive kids.

To be honest you are acting like he's six years old, not in year six!
My kids brought kids home all the time. Id just check if their parents knew they were at a friends and left it at that.

For secondary you need to make your house the one that all the kids want to come to then you won’t need to worry where your kid is.

have the good snacks. Let them have the wifi password and lounge about. Will cost a fortune with hungry boy teenagers but then you know where your kid is.

already said when they are old enough I will not be buying beers and they will all need to be 18! Can’t afford that.

OP YANBU this is in the normal range of behaviour. I also collect phone numbers for the parents of my secondary school age kids. They’re useful to have in case of any problems as they get older. Back in my day my mum and dad had all my friends’ parents numbers just in case - because they were in the phone book! And I had loads of freedom (and useful because I got up to all sorts of mishaps 😧)

Yes, I do agree with you. So far with my two I have known the parents of some of the group so that gives me confidence,but there is no doubt you start losing 'control'.

There are hardly any school events (except parents' evenings and similar information type evenings, where I am more focussed on the teachers than other parents), and most of these are now virtual. I have literally never seen most of my DC's friends' parents.

My DC take themselves to things or simply jump out of the car. So do their friends.

I work full time. I struggle to find time to have coffee with actual friends; I am not giving up time to meet a parent, who will not get to know me sufficiently well by having coffee with me, to know if I am going to be a danger to their child.

If your child is secondary school age I am not keeping tabs on them if they pop by after school for an hour. I may not even be there.

For a start friendship groups change frequently, you don’t bump into other parents at the school gates (most kids walk, use public transport or get dropped off around the corner), at sports days or kids birthday parties etc

Do they walk alone or use public transport aged 10/11 though?

Here I'm lucky as most of the primary year 6s moved up to secondary together, so I know most of the children and families. Those I don't know I glean information from mums who do, from things DC say, from the area (I'm wary of parties and gatherings in areas with high crime-stats, purely because I don't want them wondering around certain neighbourhoods, regardless of how nice the family may be. Obviously these friends are welcome here. Kids can socialise at after-school clubs, holiday clubs, sports classes, in a coffee shop in town; why the need to 'hang out' in every home?

I've never had kids in and out of my home. That would feel intrusive to me, I like to relax in privacy with family (and for my kids to have that safe space at home). We have plenty of playdates, friends over for dinner or sleepovers, but always arranged in advance.

There's a strong sense of community here. I guess if they went to school further afield it would be different.

Sorry op but I’d have found this really weird if you’d messaged me.

My house has always had a stream
of pals in and out, I'd never be done checking!!

Don't you worry something might happen to a kid on your watch, eg they have an accident or get ill and you don't know who their parents are? Or parents think they're with you but they've wandered off? Until they're 16 I feel responsible for any children my DC have over. Obviously they go out to local park and shops but they stick together and I know where to find them in an emergency if they're not answering phones.