To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

My son is 11 and is about to finish Y6 and start Y7 in September. The past month or so he seems to have grown up in lots of ways in a short space of time. He's come home saying he has a gf, a new girl at school, and spends a lot of time on the phone with her (he's only had a phone since he started cycling to school independently a year ago and never bothered with it. We had to remind him to charge it). Today he said he was going to cycle down to the nearby park to meet said gf and some other friends we know. He's never gone out independently to meet friends before, he's quite shy and timid but I was really happy he wanted to do this and let him go. About 20 minutes later he comes back home with this new gf in tow.
I said it was lovely to meet her but did her mum definitely know she was here and was it OK with her? I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number, she willingly gave it to me and they went upstairs and I texted the mum. I don't know her name, whereabouts she lives or anything about her. I said "Hiya, it's XX, DS's mum. Just checking you are aware YY is at our house and that is OK with you? It's fine with us if it is with you, lovely to meet her" 20 mins later she texted back "yeh that's fine but back by 6 plz".
Is it just me that thinks it's a bit odd to let your kid go to other peoples houses without checking with the parents first and not knowing a damn thing about said parents? I could be a raging drug addict, passed out on my sofa with a needle in my arm with a couple of rabid dogs running around for all this woman knows.
I don't know if DS is expecting to go round to GF's house on the whim of an invite but I am not at all comfortable with it until I've met her parents.
Am I too uptight and is this just a normal part of growing up? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

Secondary school is completely different. I haven't met the majority of Dds friends parents. The only reason I've met others is because I'm their Scout leader!

He's not quite in secondary school yet though

This is how it is going to be once they are in Secondary school. They will get a new cohort of friends you won’t know

well, that's terrifying 😄

It’s only a few weeks to go. And you probably won’t be contacting parents then. This is a learning curve for you as well as DS.

Honestly, while I see where you coming from I think you are going to find high school very hard! The reality is they make lots of new friends and you won't meet the parents, you have to trust your child. A code word for dodgy situations is a good idea

He's basically secondary school

I think the only parent of a friend my mum knew was the one who was a teacher at the school!

She didn't even know exactly where some of them lived. I'd just go around after school

Some parents are quite comfortable sending their kids to other people's houses. I'm a helicopter parent just like you so I do want to meet the parents.. But, that being said my son is the same age as yours so y7 will start, he will make new friends and they will meet up for school projects etc so I do realise I won't be able to insist on meeting the parents (don't want to be THAT mum). So I will just have to let go of my vivid imagination of druggie mum and abusive dad who will molest my child and try to be reasonable, most parents are ok and our children will be just fine...😊

This seems ott. He's year 6. Just a text from parents to say they are fine with it is enough.

He’s going to be at secondary in a few weeks, at that point I’m afraid you won’t know much at all about his social life!

I’m uncomfortable with it, but when they are in secondary I think it’s all part of it. It’s quite worrying so brace yourself

I've never thought of myself as a helicopter parent and honestly, I've been encouraging him to go out independently with his mates for about a year now and wishing we lived in a cul de sac or something to make it easier for them to "play out". Now he's done it I'm like eeeek. I don't want him in and out of stranger's homes.

Towards the end of year 6 most kids tend to become a lot more independent and tend to make own arrangements as to who they want to meet up with etc.

By year 7 it is unlikely you will know any of their friends parents this is scary but perfectly normal. Unless they don’t grow or change and continue to hang out with the same friendship group from Primary or you live in a small village with a fairly small secondary school. Unfortunately this is the future OP maybe time to buckle up.

From year 7. We always asked a lot of questions about new friends i.e. where they live, surname, what parents do for a living etc etc so we had some information if they were staying over we wanted a parents number to text if they were telling us they were staying over at someones house. But as no one does drop offs you are unlikely to know friends parents.

Massively uptight.

He's got a phone, if there's any problem he can use it.

You're going to have to loosen your grip come September, or no-one will want to hang around with him.

When my DS was younger, we used tohave a set up wherwby if he rang and asked me a specific question then I would come and puck him up, no questions asked. The latter hit is important, because I didn't want him staying in situations where he felt uncomfortable,for example if friends were doing something he knew was wrong, because he was scared I would tell him off.
As it was, it was only used once,when he met up with school friend and they brought the family dog, which his friend could not control.

Haven’t he ever gone to a birthday party or out for a day out with friends (and parent obvs!) for birthday stuff? It’s difficult to always meet parents before these events.

Yes high school you won’t even set eyes on the friends let alone parents!

That will be really restrictive for him. You need to try and let him go and have trust in people. I would always check with a message to parents if it was a sleepover in year 7 and maybe drop them off or pick them up so you get a chance to meet them.

It would have been a cold day in hell if I hadn't known where my DD was when she was 11. She's 13 now and this would still never happen.

He'll be in secondary school in a matter of weeks.

You really do need to let go.

I'd me more concerned about you letting a girlfriend upstairs in your sons bedroom. Do you have a 'door open' rule?
Fine at 11, maybe not so fine at 15, so where/when do you draw the line? I'd start as you mean to go on with that. (Protects your son too )

Yes, as they went up I said "door open!" and DH was up there cleaning the bathroom which is opposite son's room. I would have added this but thought the post was long enough!

An ex work colleague was still trying to control her DS’s social life in year 7 and 8 by arranging sleepovers and playdates (with his old primary school friends as she had the mums numbers). Needless to say he wasn’t popular or well socialised and these quickly fizzled up. She is still trying to do the same for her younger DD who is 13.

You don’t want to become that mum.

I mean, I don't but I also don't want him in the houses of people I don't know and I also feel a bit cheeky letting my son go there when I don't know if they mind

My DD is 13...I don't arrange her social life or organise playdates for her...but, I always know where she is. So for example, she wanted to go over to a new friends house. She arranged it...I took her there, knocked on the door, introduced myself to the parents, gave them my number, thanked them etc etc.

I also feel a bit cheeky letting my son go there when I don't know if they mind

If they mind, they can say so, can't they? No big deal.