To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

My son is 11 and is about to finish Y6 and start Y7 in September. The past month or so he seems to have grown up in lots of ways in a short space of time. He's come home saying he has a gf, a new girl at school, and spends a lot of time on the phone with her (he's only had a phone since he started cycling to school independently a year ago and never bothered with it. We had to remind him to charge it). Today he said he was going to cycle down to the nearby park to meet said gf and some other friends we know. He's never gone out independently to meet friends before, he's quite shy and timid but I was really happy he wanted to do this and let him go. About 20 minutes later he comes back home with this new gf in tow.
I said it was lovely to meet her but did her mum definitely know she was here and was it OK with her? I said I can't have children in my house with the parents not knowing, she said her mum does know as she texted her. I said sorry but I will need to check can I have your mums number, she willingly gave it to me and they went upstairs and I texted the mum. I don't know her name, whereabouts she lives or anything about her. I said "Hiya, it's XX, DS's mum. Just checking you are aware YY is at our house and that is OK with you? It's fine with us if it is with you, lovely to meet her" 20 mins later she texted back "yeh that's fine but back by 6 plz".
Is it just me that thinks it's a bit odd to let your kid go to other peoples houses without checking with the parents first and not knowing a damn thing about said parents? I could be a raging drug addict, passed out on my sofa with a needle in my arm with a couple of rabid dogs running around for all this woman knows.
I don't know if DS is expecting to go round to GF's house on the whim of an invite but I am not at all comfortable with it until I've met her parents.
Am I too uptight and is this just a normal part of growing up? It gives me the heebie jeebies.

Sorry but I think you are bu
usu at this stage the kids are arranging their own social life and it’s a bit weird if parents get involved, I’ve never heard of that happening and think it sounds embarrassing

Not completely over the top at all to know where your child is, introduce yourself to parents and give them your number. I judge you more than her.

Perfectly normal for end of Yr6
The mum knows her DD has a phone and prob knew exactly where she was if she wanted to. Yr7 you'll prob know nothing.

Her mum might have been at work or something too. She has set a boundary with her DD to hangout with makes but home by 6. It's summer.
@Comedycook no pareht I know would go knocking on anyone's doors at Yr7

I’d just say “do you want to stay for tea? Message your mum and check it’s okay” then the child messages their mum. I always want to know where they are and I trust they’ll call if they’re uncomfortable. I’ve told them they can use me as an excuse and say I’ve text to say they need to get home, if ever feeling unsafe.

Over the summer this is something you're going to have to let go! If you do this when he goes up to secondary school you are going to get him laughed at!
You likely won't meet 99% of the new friends he will make. Try not to helicopter over him, it'll cause him to really struggle settling into high school life.
If you've done your job correctly (which it seems you have) with teaching him safety, knows how to use his phone to call for help, knows how to get himself out of situations or say no, then you need to let him grow up and do these things.

My mother was so so strict and so I learnt to be sneaky and do things behind her back, because of how strict she was I would lie and if anything ever would have happened to me, she would have no idea where I was or what I was doing and I actually ended up in riskier situations due to needing to be sneaky. Your son seems really sensible so trust him!

You seem to be coming from an era of younger child ‘playdates’ that involve the parents arranging, possibly dropping and picking up, the hosting parent looking after the visiting child, supervising, possibly laying on activities and food etc — but in this case the girl has just shown up at your son’s invitation, is hanging out in his room, and you don’t have to do anything. Expecting to be thanked seems a bit much.

No I agree with you. I wouldn’t allow my daughters to go to (effectively) a complete strangers house.

Like you, I would at least like to know where they live and that the parent is happy for my child to descend on them so I’d also call or text them.

Yikes OP you are going to be for a rough road when he starts senior school in September and makes a whole bunch of friends who you know nothing about. You really do need to start unclenching a little.

The irony of Mumsnet is that it is filled with people who are not very maternal.
You are absolutely right to be wary of people, kids have been killed at their friend's houses.
I would love to hear from the parent at the house my 10/11 year old was at.
I get that there's a point you have to cut the apron strings, but kids aren't suddenly adults just because they're moving to secondary school 🤷🏻

Here in Scotland it seems children go to high school later than in England. Here it’s 11/12, whereas where you are it’s 10/11. At 10/11 I still think it’s still reasonable to at least want to know who the parents are and when you have a child in your home for you to be assured that their parents are happy for them to be there. My daughter is nearly 10 and when she is playing out with her friends they will sometimes go in and out of each others houses, but I’m lucky I know all of her friends parents and am confident she isn’t going in and out of random houses.

By year 7 it is unlikely you will know any of their friends parents

Or many of their new friends, come to that!

Way over the top. Especially to demand her mum’s number. I spent my teen years in and out of random people’s houses. By 14 I was staying over and just messaging home. You need to let them go sometime

I think it’s ok at this age and because they are a new boyfriend and girlfriend (the girl might not have told her parents about this). Also because it’s all new to you as you are used to your son being shy. Good on him for meeting his mates and making a new connection! Things will definitely change in secondary school and he won’t need you to arrange things for him. By the time he’s 13 he’ll be mortified if you wanted to call a new girlfriend’s mum! Take the summer to do all the “young” things he still enjoys as his interests will change over the coming years

Hmm, I think you made a bit of a fuss about nothing by not letting her in your house. You knew they were both safe. You could have just asked the GF to pass on your number and address to her mum and say to contact you if she wanted to. At 11, if I trusted my child and had met the other child, I would allow them to go to a house of a friend even if I hadn’t met the parents. I would want a contact number and address though (and rather snobbily I would have googled the address) and I would want my child to answer messages quickly and have their ‘find my iPhone’ on

Sound like you and you kid have a great relationship I font know too many that would be telling mum about a new GF!! Keep the trust speak to him about staying safe and what to do if he doesn't feel comfortable etc. Try not to freak out or be too strict The last thing you want is him to stop communicating with you. X

You’ll get used to it. I over reacted the first time ds went to the cinema with friends. I was supposed to pick them up but received no communication from him. His friends with older siblings, looked strangely at me as I berated him. Their parents were used to it. I wasn’t. I chilled out massively after that and felt guilty for embarrassing ds,

You need to loosen up OP. I have three kids and all of them have moved into secondary and now have friends I don't know well, and whose parents I have not met.

You also need to loosen up a bit on having people into your house - we have always operated an open house policy with the kids' friends, they are all welcome at any time (within reason, obvs) and I would never ever start phoning up parents and checking they knew their children were at mine. Sure fire way to get the label as the "weird mum" and deter your child from wanting to have friends over. And if they're in your house, you know what they are doing and you have the chance to chat to the kids and get to know them. Drive them away by being overbearing, and you have no clue where they are.

I would never call a parent to check but have regularly given kids lifts home if it's been dark or raining and my DC has said that a friend is ready to leave and is going to walk.

You’ll need to be a bit more lax when he goes to secondary school as you might unintentionally end up encouraging him to lie.

He’ll be out with new friends for the day and someone will say “let’s go back to mine and play fifa” or something along those lines and if he thinks you’ll make a fuss he will end up choosing not tell you where he is.

I had friends who did this and it was basically years of them sneaking about and then towards the end of secondary school, trying to look after them after they’d had too much to drink because they’d convinced us all calling their parents would be the worst thing ever which with hindsight was very dangerous.

But really if you just say to the child when they arrive "does your mum know you're here" then that's your job done. The child is safe at your house. If the parent isn't happy they need to tell their child not to go to people's houses. It's not your job to police other people's parenting. To worry about being accused of kidnapping is a bit strange unless you took the child to your house yourself

As for saying thank you, an 11 year old is old enough to do that for themselves and also to leave if the parent of the other child doesn't want them to come in.

I would worry far more about my 11 year old son having a girlfiriend than I would about him being out and about without parents knowing. Isn't 11 very young for the boyfriend - girlfriend thing to start?

My son is same age and goes round to friends’ houses independently and they come here. The kids with the strictest parents on this stuff just lie, I hear them on the phone telling their mum they are at some other place that is obvious pre-approved. I’m impressed your son actually sees his girlfriend though. All the kids I know announce gf/bf and then don’t talk to each other until one does the dumping!

That's how it is from year 7 onwards. I took daughters uninvited friend home as she walked here, but no communication with her parents at all. I did think it strange but told daughter from then on, to offer to walk them back halfway. Because if they're old enough to walk here, they can walk back. It was a strange transition for me, for sure!

Doing things after school or at weekends during the day I'm very laid back - I have a tracker on DD's phone, and a airtag in her bag as backup. So I always know where she is (she's also the kind that endlessly messages!

Anything involving overnights means a message to parents regarding logistics etc.

It's a hard one to navigate. You want them to have fun, but also be safe. I'm also aware that I'm more liberal and laid back than a lot of DD's friend's parents so err on side of caution.

Good grief. My daughter is 4 and most of the neighbour's kids are between 7 and 10, they are in and out of each other's houses all day long without a second thought. They've got phones and are in constant contact with you, what is the issue?