Would you let an annoying family member live with you for 300k?

[L4815]

A relative of ours has said they will give us 300k if we allow them to move in with us.

It's me, DH and DS.

Pros.

Our 135k mortgage would be paid off plus other outstanding debt. We'd have a nice safety cushion and a better life financially.

Despite being annoying, deep down, we love family member and one of us feels a sense of duty toward them.

Family member would contribute to household chores.

Cons.

Family member is incredibly annoying. They like to be in control of everything. We don't let them but its still irritating.

Family member is a just about functioning alcoholic and would require our assistance with reducing.

Despite having some health issues, they are only in their 50s so potentially could end up living with us for another 20 years.

Family member would nag us about keeping the house clean. Much higher standards than us.

House is only a bog standard terrace so although we have a spare room, we only have one bathroom, one living area, etc.

One of us says absolutely no way, not even for a million. Other one sort of agrees but id also slightly swayed by how beneficial money would be and also feels sorry for family member who lives alone and has no other family or friends.

Almost feels a bit like selling your soul to the devil for money.

Ultimately feels like a choice between freedom or money.

WWYD?

Hypothetical really as one of us has already vetoed.

No. You can’t bring an alcoholic into your child’s home. Not for any amount of money.

With a child in the house? Absolutely not.

No no no way. Do not underestimate the impact living in close quarters with an alcoholic has on a child. For that reason alone it's would be a no

They need to sell up and go into sheltered accommodation as a stepping stone to maybe needing more care in future.
If you both work, you can't be leaving someone with dementia at home alone either so they will tie you down and you lose money being unable to work - though could apply for carers allowance. But would you really want to exchange your current jobs to become carers?
Probably self- inflicted dementia if on 3 bottles of wine/day - Korsacoffs syndrome, you can read what you'd be in for if you google it.

No, I wouldn't. Not just for my own sanity but because I don't want my children to observe and normalise drinking at that level. Nothing is worth that.

Never in a million years.
You would lose your home as a sanctuary.
They would sponge off you.
Your mental health would suffer and you can't put a price on that.

It sounds like you've made your decision and it's the correct one.

This person will need fortress-level boundaries and you won't have them with this kind of financial arrangement.

No. Not even in a huge place. You would be robbed of your freedom.

Absolutely not. This would be for the whole of your child’s childhood. DC would grow up around an alcoholic - not something most would choose. It’s not even as though you’d have someone you could trust to babysit. Would you even want to leave this man alone with your dc when dc is old enough to be left alone. How will dc feel about this when they’re older? How will other parents feel about letting their kids stay at yours?

Then there‘s the financial aspect. What if this man dies in the next few years and you find yourself liable for inheritance tax? What if you can’t cope, his health gets worse, and he needs professional help - carers visiting or residential care? You might find you will be expected to pay back that 300k towards care costs.

Even without all that, it seems crazy to agree to something so open ended, and to live with someone whose standards are different from your own.

If you want to help this man, offer him more support with finding a better solution.

No, not if it could be for 20/30 years, that’s not enough money. I’d do it but it would have to be for at least £1million.

not under any circumstanced

You can’t buy peace of mind . The “functioning alcoholic ” part will probably progress to full blown alcoholism and the time and effort spent dealing with that alone would be massively detrimental to your family ! Don’t do it.

They’re only in their 50s?

no way…

Do you have space to extend and use part of the money to build an annex?

No. Do you know what life is like for a very manipulative narcissistic alcoholic? Very amusing if you have perceived control over people. Also, totally irresponsible if you have children to expose them to this stuff consistently in their own home! The impact will be lifelong on them.

You are being given a ticket to hell. Do not take it.

Or combine funds and buy a bigger house with an annex. What kind of alcoholic-high functioning or something else? You'd need to get a legal agreement drawn up too; what if another person challenged the family member's (mental)capacity to give you the money? What if they later need to go into a home? There would be tax/IHT implications to consider.

Plus, if they are only in their 50's, they could potentially live 40+ years rather than 20, then need either care home fees (which would come off that £300,000!) or you being a full-time carer. That's not worth the money!

Why would you even consider putting your child through something like that?

No amount of money is going to be worth the same as a happy childhood for your DS.

That's assuming your DS is still a child.

If they're an adult, what is their take on it?

For that money, I’d be considering selling up and moving somewhere where there is an annex for this person because if they are as annoying as you say and a functioning alcoholic things could possibly get a lot worse and it would ruin your relationship with your partner. So with that in mind I would probably sell up and buy somewhere with an annex if you were even to consider this, failing that I would absolutely say no as I think people don’t realise the impact it has on a person’s Telationship, when the dynamics in a home change so drastically especially with somebody you already find annoying.

also, would there be some kind of contract drawn up to say that said person has paid you for their care for the next 20 to 30 years because what if you suddenly decide after two years that you can’t face it and decide to kick them out? It leaves you both in a very precarious situation, especially whoever it is that wants to move in with you.

Why on earth would anyone think, oh, an alcoholic family member needs somewhere to live as they are not coping, let's buy an annex and put them in there! Stay away. Live your life. Let them seek help if they decide they've had enough from the relevant health services but do not enable their behaviour by giving up your own independence, peace of mind and privacy. Not your problem.

Please don't OP speaking from experience alcoholics can live for a very long time and you can't fix them they will drag you down and not healthy environment for you or your DS

It’d be a hard no from me, it’s not fair on anyone. Even if it’s your mum OP, and you’re prepared to the most of the caring, it’s still unfair on your DS and DH. However, I suspect it’s DH’s parent (mother?) and he is the one open to it, since let’s face it, looking after old people is Wife Work so you will be the one taking on the lions share of her care

Also given she is running out of money, the £300k will end up funding her anyway.

If they're only in their 50s now, then they could easily live for another 30 years (even with health issues). That means you'd essentially only get 10k per year from having them live with you.

Depending on where you live, you could probably take in a less annoying lodger for more than that...

I would not do this. A person who is drinking 3 bottles of wine a day is a serious alcoholic and they won't cut down or stop drinking. They have offered you this because they know they need more help. The reality is that they could live for years and in the meantime make you, your kids and husbands life a misery. It could also limit you in time to moving to a new home or a new area if a great job comes up.
Imagine them living with you, drunk, verbally abusive and friends and family staying away because of them. Imagine your kids seeing this and not been able to bring their friends around.

I know that £300,000 sounds a lot but imagine paying off your mortgage and then dealing with them for 20 or 30 years. What happens than if they want to leave and want their money back? What happens if they need to go into a care facility later on and they have given you all this money?

If you consider £300,000 spread over 20 or 30 year's you would be better off having a tennent in the house. You can earn x amount a year before paying tax. Then you or your tennent can decide when they want/need to leave and provide the correct notice.

Tell them that unfortunately they can't move in with you but that you can help them find more suitable accommodation in their area. Their might be over 50's accommodation or you might find a ground floor apartment near shops ect where they won't have all the maintenance of a house.

Solid no I'm afraid. This is the kind of thing that comes between people and potentially ruin relationships.

Imagine them being so pissed they set the house on fire with your child in it. Not exactly unlikely