MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

She's actually supposed to be watching my DD next week to help me out for a training day!

I really don't want her to now, but if I pull it is it going to be WW3?

I actually feel sick and uncomfortable about it now as feel she has an agenda.

If it were me, I would source a different childcare option for the training day, yes; show no reliance on MIL so you can dislodge this weirdness from your life and start living and being happy again.
You rely on her = she has control.

What is best for your DD is to have a day a week spending quality time with her Mummy and having a rest after spending 4 days in nursery, not traipsing across the country to appease your MIL, who doesn't give a toss about what is really in your DDs best interest. I'd reply to your partner letting him know DD needs quality time with you and a rest after 4 days in nursery, and that you are not entering into the conversation anymore.

She's very selfish in they way she thinks this would be helpful for you when it's.clearly not. I have to say I read your post from.last night over and over again and I don't think you said anything wrong or were rude. Your dh needs to make it clear to her that you are happy that she's around to.help but that weekly doesn't work, not just for you but for the baby too, and repeat.

Please don’t give in and lose your one day off with your child. You won’t get it back again. It isn’t your MIL’s baby - it’s yours. You are not the problem. Don’t let this selfish self obsessed woman win.

I am a MIL and I think that you have done absolutely nothing wrong! I truly dislike this entitled behaviour on the part of older women. Of course you should have a day with your own baby and you have organised childcare accordingly. You are not being unreasonable, your MIL is. If she genuinely wants to help out, then there will be times when your little one is unwell and can't go to nursery. Will your MIL help with this?

You're being completely gaslit, please don't let them get into your psyche like this! Don't let it become this complex and deep issue requiring alot of thought, its as simple as a pushy MIL and an unsupportive DH.

In this country grandparents don't have rights unless they've been primary caregivers and even then they have to fight hard. So don't worry.

You need to sit down with your DP and really say what you're feeling, that Fridays are your day with DD and you don't need time off and when you do, its wonderful there are willing people to care for DD. But that the constant pushing is chipping away at the relationship and if it continues you won't feel that MIL is a viable option as she will become a person you don't get on with. And that her coming to him and between you both in the marriage is a very slippery slope.

The feelings he has for his mother and hers for him, you and your DD have so why is that relationship taking precedence over the mother child relationship you have.

I honestly can’t get my head around any normal extended family member arguing their right to see your child on the basis that you might split up with your husband - is she actually OK or in mumsnet fashion - is she on glue??

in these situations many people say you have a DH problem, but he is in the middle and is probably struggling to mediate. You however have all the power here and it is fine to stand up and be heard, in fact she may feel she has some influence because you’re not.

a simple message thanking her for the offer but arrangements have been made to enable you to spend your day off with your child and that she is welcome to visit or join you when convenient. I’d also add that you are finding it challenging that she is continuously suggesting you and dh are going to split and politely ask her to reframe from having that conversation with you or your dh as there are no plans to separate.

sometimes being assertive is what you need to do. Yes it may cause conflict but the other option is not being heard. You need to control this conversation now because it has got totally out of hand.

Do you think MiL will stop if you give in? That one day will turn into an overnight. And then a weekend. She will feed your child food you say no to and refuse to follow any of your rules. She doesn’t want to help at all, she wants to play at babies with your child and because you are saying no, she’s having a tantrum.

Stay firm. Your day with your baby is precious and don’t give it up. She is your baby not MiLs… and be thankful they live 2 hours away!
Travelling in a car 2 hours each way is not suitable for babies. She is welcome to visit at the weekend but that day is for you and your child.

Stop engaging so much. Stop trying to justify yourself. She is your child not MiLs… and tell your DH that you want no more of this nonsense and MiL talking about you splitting up is deeply offensive. I would also point out that as he works away and trusts you to do all the parenting that he needs to have your back.

Tell her the day was cancelled and book your daughter into nursery. She’s not being nice to you so I would not trust her.

She's your baby. You have arranged a work schedule that gives you a day to be with her. Your MiL lives 2 hours drive away - that's not a viable child-minding distance in anyone's book and why should you drive your DD for 4 hours a day? Both MiL and DP are talking arrant nonsense and gaslighting you to do something which is worthless to you, because you will spend 8 hours in the car, presumably, since MiL is saying she wants DD to herself. Where are you going for the time DD is at MiL's? As for suggesting you are being selfish and not doing what is best for DD, the best thing for DD is to spend time with her mum - you.
Point out the stupidity of this idea and then stop discussing it. (DP needs to cut his apron strings btw.)

DP and apparently MIL have said that it will give DD "confidence" to be away from me.

Your baby will still have "confidence" by being at nursery so she's talking rubbish just to get her own way!

Honestly OP when you post you come across very sensible and reasonable. She is piling on pressure in the guise of offering ‘help’ it is not help if she is pressuring you like this and making you question yourself. She cannot legally take you to court for access to your child so please stop worrying about that.

You do have a DP problem (which I’m sure you know) he should stop telling you the negative stuff his mum is saying. He hasn’t had children before and he is letting her get in his head. So try to stop for a minute and ignore everything mil and DP have said for a second. What is best for your dd?

It is clear to me from your posts that you’re thinking of your DD’s best interests. It is best that she has routine and structure and time with her parents aka you given DP is often away. It is not in her interests to sit in a car for 4 hours a week. At her age it is not in her best interest to be away overnight. At her age it is nonsense that she needs to be away from you to gain confidence. They gain confidence from feeling secure. There is plenty of time as she gets older to have days out with her grandparents and sleepovers. And you have already said your DD spends time at weekends with MIL. This is entirely reasonable.

You are being reasonable, they aren’t. So the focus needs to shift from you questioning whether you are right or not, to how you protect your mental health when you get messages from MIL and comments from DP. Have a look at strategies for how to deal with negativity and pressure from others. You can’t change how MIL acts but you can change your response to her bullshit x

I am glad I posted here as all the advice has made me realise that deep down I do have a major DP problem.

I do think it's very important for my DD to have stability in her life, it's been down to me to try and plan this as I'm the main carer. I think I've made good decisions for the best of DD, it also allows me to work which I need to do to support her.

I do actually feel this is changing how I feel about my DP and the relationship isn't going to be salvageable. So I'm sat here in fear that this is all going to work out terrible for DD and I and the rest of my children if it ends up in court anyway. She'll end up being carted between 2 or maybe 3 houses if my ILs are determined to have their special alone time with her and my DP allows this.

I just want my DD to grow up with stability, she goes to the same nursery her siblings went to, I'm hoping she'll go to the same local primary. This is her home :(

It sounds like her threats are working if you're now missing sleep.
She sounds very toxic.
Just try and sleep tonight and hold your boundary which is perfectly reasonable.
What is selfish is demanding a precious day off a mother that she wants with her own baby. Your baby needs to be with you.

The courts will prioritise her home NOW where her mum is the primary caregiver and she has siblings and if her dad chose to move away then that’s his choice to move away from her home. They wouldn’t split the week with a 2 hour distance for her, he’d have to stick to seeing her at weekends and school holidays because there’s no way they’d expect a primary school child to either miss school, or travel back and forth in the week. Grandparent rights aren’t a thing, so they’d end up seeing her only on his time (which would already be limited). I’m so sorry they’re threats and pressure are scaring you but I suggest you make a call to a solicitor today (often they have a free hour for advice) before you engage in any more of their arguments.

My neighbour was also crazy over her GC. She had been quite a distant parent. She was a single parent and basically passed her son onto her mother to do the lions share of childcare.
When her own GC were born she thought it would be the same. She had a nursery in her house and has rearranged with every subsequent child.
She thought she would have overnights from birth? When eventually she was allowed to babysit she would drive the baby hours between houses. She also didn’t know what to do with the baby and sometimes I would have them! She used to try and force them to sleep in her bed when she was allowed overnights.
Anyway her son stopped her and she was only allowed the baby in their house. She only sees them when they need help, they’re much older, her whole house is still set up for them to stay which they don’t.

@ItsBinDayToday I might have mentioned this previously I can't remember now, but my MIL has done similar in that she's gone out and bought loads of stuff to have DD, the amount of stuff just seems odd and over the top.

I offered her some spare things, like I have a smaller pushchair but she declined and has bought her own. All the things she has bought are more expensive than our own things which DD has and uses every day in our home.

Like she's bought an expensive stokke high chair, we only have an ikea one (all parents know these are the best anyway!).

She's bought a very expensive pushchair as well to have at her house

She's sent me pictures of all the toys she has for DD there, at least 4 dolls prams, a ball pit, toy kitchen, 3 baby annabels.

It all seems so much. But maybe it's me?

It is absolutely NOT selfish to want to spend your one free a day week with your own baby. It is normal and natural and entirely appropriate. You have worked hard to organise your life to make this possible - it would be madness to be guilt tripped into throwing that opportunity away.

I've been working 4 days a week since going back to work when my own DD turned 1yo. I've had one day a week dedicated to spending with her & it has been wonderful to have that time together - we've had so many lovely days doing all sorts of different things & she has loved having that time together with me too & she really looks forward to her mummy day every week.

She'll be starting school in September & I'm feeling quite sad & a bit tearful about not having our day together anymore to be honest & I will never once regret taking that time with her.

I think you need to think bigger picture here - when you're waving your own DD off to school how will you feel if you've allowed yourself to miss out on the time you could have had together because you felt pressured to hand DD over to MIL instead.

I think you know what is best for your DD - to have time together with you every week. Stick to that feeling like glue & stop allowing anyone else to guilt trip you into thinking otherwise - if you let them walk all over you in this way you will start to resent your DP for not listening to you or supporting you, which will do you no favours in the long run anyway.

Try listening to the Motherkind podcast - there are so many useful tips & advice there for how to not feel guilty.

My DD went to her PILs once a week on one of my work days - they wanted to help & volunteered to have her. They never would have dreamt of trying to take her on my non-work day - they organised their lives to make it possible to have her on one of my working days. They were so happy to genuinely help that they even got up super early every week to drive the 45 minutes to my house & collect DD & drop my eldest child at school & then took DD back to their house until about 2pm, before driving back in time to collect my eldest from school & drop both the kids home together to give me a break from the school run rush on that day. Now that is genuine help - someone who gives no thought to their own convenience & what suits themselves best, but instead thinks only of what you actually need & tries to fit into that.

I think you might benefit from some therapy to be honest, as it may help give you the strength to stick to your guns on the things that matter the most to you. If you cave into this woman over something so important and precious to you as being able to spend time with your own baby then this is something you could well end up regretting for the rest of your life.

Your MIL's behaviour is very strange and quite worrying. I would not be letting your DD spend time alone with her. She can see her on visits but you are the main carer, not her and she needs to understand that. Your polite and clear messages are being deliberately ignored. Don't feel bad about stating your case more clearly and assertively. Genuine help with the baby, is help that helps you. Unfortunately, you are nowhere in their plans. Or worse, it feels like you might be an inconvenience to them that they are trying to shake free of. Keep a tight control of arrangements. These people will take a mile if you give an inch. Not sure how regular your visits are, but scale them back if they are making you uncomfortable. Do not let them have the baby alone. I get a very bad vibe about them from your posts. Stay firm and strong.

Op you are seem a very sane sensible caring lovely mum who is doing everything right. Youve got your childcare plans in place. Keep them as they are. Once a month/adhoc for mil is absolutely fine.

dont allow them to grind you down. Simply stop communicating back when they keep asking. All you have to say is “thanks, ill let you know” the end. Its not a no/yes

i think your partner is stuck inbetween. You need to have a word with him that him not being on your side is stressing you out. Arranging childcare around work singlehandedly is stress city. He has no idea

It is in your DC best interests to spend time with you. She doesn't need overnights with anyone. My 2 are 4 & 5 and have probably had less than a handful of over nights in their lives and none of them were before 3 years old.

Your DP is the problem. I would be very clear with him that you will not be setting up regular over nights with his mum. If she wants to help she's more than welcome to come down and spend time with DC at yours or she can help on a ad-hoc basis. She isn't helping by trying to pressurise you. She isn't helping by causing friction in your relationship.

I'd also go and talk to a family lawyer. It's worth finding out want potentially the contact arrangements would be with DP current work schedule. What rights if any the grandparents might be able to get ( I don't think any TBH if you're in the UK)

I agree that they might be trying to establish a pattern of contact so should your relationship with DP end the could agree that they have her while he's working away.

4 prams 😮 that really is OTT. She sounds very fixated.