MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

You can't be selfish with YOUR OWN baby because nobody else is entitled to your baby. Tell DH that if she wants to see baby, she's welcome to switch her working days and come and see LO but LO will not be going on a 4 hour round trip just to see MIL for the day, that's not fair on ANY child ... 4 hours seems a lot longer for child than it does for an adult. Just tell DH it's not going to happen and in future let him deal with her and you step back from communication. She's had her kids years ago, there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend quality time with your own child.

side note - I would let DH know that if you were to split up, you still wouldn't be changing your day off so MIL would STILL not see LO on that day and point out to him that it was a very toxic statement for his mother to make ... with a comment like that, she sounds like she would be better off spending her day off polishing her broomstick

The fact your dh is more concerned with appeasing his mum is the problem, you must feel ganged up on, don’t let them gas light you, she needs told to fuck off! Her mentioning the splitting up thing is shocking

This is what I was thinking too. Maybe some weekend support when it is much easier to leave the baby at home whilst you run around with the older ones.

Your baby not hers she has had her children you are allowed to be 'selfish' and want to spend time with baby she isn't entitled to the time you have with your baby

So if the parents separate, obviously they would share the care in some way, but surely you wouldn't end up with something like 50/40/10 for Mum/Dad/GPs??

I don't know how far a court would go, giving grandparents court-ordered access, sounds like a minefield?

MIL has messaged me again and offered to babysit anytime and says that she just wants to give me a break.

I politely said thank you and there will be plenty of time for babysitting in future, and that I’m still adjusting to return to work and being away from DD.

She then said again that she just really wants to help and give me a break.

I said “I don’t need a break atm, I live for DD. But I’ll let you know when/if I do”

I guess I just broke after being repeatedly pushed but I don’t think I’ve been rude.

Well she’s gone straight to DP and said that I need to stop thinking of how much I will miss DD, and think of what is best for DD.

DP says that I’m thinking too negatively and his mum just wants to “help” and I need to think about how great it could be for me to have some “time alone”.

I’m really annoyed now.

FFS! You definitely have a DP problem.

I would try the broken record technique with him. “Nope. Not gonna happen, not discussing it further.”

And just avoid contact with her.

I would explain yourself. You are inviting an argument.
just thank her graciously and that you will let her know when you need help.
say anything and it will get twisted…just like it has.
for now though…ask your husband if he should make the arrangements being as though every conversation you have with her is run by him afterwards…ask him why.

I've tried to be gracious so many times... I just snapped... I do live for my DD though.

And I have let my MIL babysit too, I just don't want a set weekly thing- especially my day off!

I haven't even said no that's what has annoyed me, I just haven't agreed to her preferred schedule.

I am starting to worry there is an agenda otherwise why would she be pushing this so hard, or is this normal for some MIL?

That should say I wouldn’t explain myself…apologies.

IE when she said she wants to babysit sometime, you say thanks so much, that’s really kind, I’ll let you know when is best. And just don’t.

Keep repeating " thanks I'll let you know when I need help. "

Just keep repeating it back, they will either get fed up and give up or become more unhinged and push harder which ( if you keep calm ) you can point out how bizzare her behaviour is.

I would go back to therapy with your DP because he is a bigger problem and becoming a flying monkey for his mother, he needs to understand how insidious this behaviour ( both him and hers ) is to your relationship.

What's best for your DD is to be with you, what's best for your DD is to have a happy , intact immediate family.... your MIL is threatening to take that away from her for her own selfish desire to play dolly with your baby.

I think I'd risk rocking the boat now.

I'd happily send a text along the lines of 'mil, I've been nothing but polite and accommodating towards you and your wish to spend time with dd, I've offered you opportunities to babysit which you've ignored. We've had a conversation today about this, where I've made myself very clear, so I'm unsure as to why you feel you need to try and change my mind by speaking to dh. You know that I've taken x day off to spend it with my dd, which is what I intend to do, you've had your time raising children so I'm sure you will appreciate that this is my time to be a mother. I said previously, if I want some time to myself, you'll be the first to know. Please stop pressurising me either directly, or indirectly via dh as this will cause a relationship breakdown between you and I.

I'd also copy in your dh so he's in no uncertain terms just how pissed off you are. Some hard and fast boundaries need to be put in place as she's obviously not getting it:

Your MIL is happily causing tension in your family, cut her out of the equation she doesn't get to say what she wants to do with your child. I would ignore her nonsense as no matter what you offer it will never be enough.

Stop replying to MIL. Don’t answer any calls from her. It’s time to sort this with your husband. The first thing you need to tell your husband is that MIL is actively coming between you and him and causing strife in your marriage. It doesn’t matter what he thinks her intentions are. The results of her actions are what matters. He needs to acknowledge this and then he needs to handle it. I would ask him to attend marriage counseling and only discuss MIL in counseling.

He needs to send her a message telling her to quit badgering you for babysitting. He needs to tell her to stop saying disparaging things about you and stop the comments about what will happen if you guys divorce. She is going at least ruin the relationship between you and her. If things keep on, she is going to ruin your marriage. He needs to remember that he made vows to you and he needs to put your needs before MIL’s wants.

She’s not trying to give you a break, she’s harassing you.

Dh is the major problem here - i would disengage now

time to be very mad at your dp, and mute your mil so you don’t see her messages. Just don’t respond. Tell dp to help you think more positively you’ve muted his mum because her constant pushing with zero concern for what you want is really upsetting. What makes you happy is time with your dd, and I’m going to focus on that. I won’t be replying to your mum, she can just keep telling you how awful I am and you can decide whether you think that’s true or not. While you work away.

Agree to cut her out of the conversation for now if it can be avoided.
You've already decided for yourself that you aren't giving that day to her, you want it for yourself.
It's not happening. That's decided.
So if your partner keeps asking, because she's harrassing him, just say, no, I want that day with her. This time will pass quickly and I want to enjoy her. I don't need time alone, thanks.
And leave him to deal with his mother.

Out of interest is FIL around and does your partner have other adult siblings with children (ie. their grandchildren)?

I wouldn't reply to any more of MIL's messages as she's not accepting what you're telling her.

I think you've got everything you need and just want to be left alone to enjoy your life as you want to. I had a MIL just like her and a husband who behaved similarly to your partner. Try as I might he always took his mum's side and put pressure on me to give in, it was like being married to them both - so in the end I left them to it.

Stick to your guns xx

FIL is around but he's definitely not the problem. He's just a normal grandad I don't think he's got any desire to babysit...

My DP does have a sibling but our LO is the first grandchild.

I've been up all night I couldn't sleep because of this, I keep thinking maybe I am the problem and I am selfish?

Maybe my DD would benefit from being with other family?

But if I give up my day off with her I will hardly see her because of work and her being in nursery.

I keep thinking maybe in shooting myself in the foot her as if I upset my in laws maybe they will take me to court for access or time with DD?

They are very wealthy so have enough money too.

to*

God you poor thing
No you aren't depriving your child.
No you are not being selfish.

As others have said, MIL has made her offers and you've politely said no thank you, for the moment etc. You just need to rinse and repeat that message everytime to her and DH.

Your child is YOURS. Not hers. She's had her time as a mother. Her needs to have another baby to look after do not trump yours as a mother. Tell your DH this everytime he tries to coerce you into his mother's bullying requests.

Keep posting OP; we can help. But deep down you know you're right and have been fair.

I'm just thinking if I'm upset my MIL, upset my DP, and we do end up splitting up. I'm going to lose my DD some of time anyway, and I may wish I just gave that one day rather than losing her for a significant amount of time.

This persistent attempt to wear you down so you ‘behave’ is nasty, just insidious and nasty. Everything is being done to manipulate you, so it’s totally understandable why you feel at this point like you should just give in for a peaceful life. When we’re only hearing negative comments or passive aggressive comments or manipulative comments we are going to doubt ourselves eventually. This is the aim of the manipulator.

Maybe go back to that really great “Helpful To…” list post from a PP. Read it through and hold the words tight. And tell yourself “I have nothing further to add to this discussion. It’s okay to have a different opinion to MIL. I’m going to do what is best for me and DC”.

Then don’t message her for as long as possible. Just put her away and out of your head for a bit. Tell your DH your decision is made, you’d appreciate his support but understand he might be conflicted and want to appease his mum, but your decision and work life balance is final…

Your MIL is well inside your head; it’ll take a bit to shake her out and realise you’re in there too. Stick to your values and your balance of work and family life. You sound awesome and strong despite this barrage of control from MIL. Really wish you happiness.