MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

Dont have her in your house unattended, I did when dh was end of life and she was mooching all through my personal belongings. It makes me feel violated.

That's so awful. Sorry for your loss x

That's a very reasonable message.

Never move from your area, if your partner kicks up a stink ask him how he thought you'd be fine with making your older children leave their established home and make it more difficult to see their father.
He made the choice to have a baby with you, knowing you are settled there.
That's his problem.

I agree with @Aquarius that you should step back and just inform your partner that her offer of help isn't helpful and will make your schedule more difficult, so it's an obvious no-go, makes no sense and he's welcome to facilitate other visits if his mother doesn't want to come down weekends.

'My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.'

I would find that more than a bit hurtful OP. So she is speculating on how she could get her own way if her baby grandchild's family broke down? I felt rather sick reading that. Is she really a person you want your baby to be around (any more than necessary)?

agree with that, it's a shocking thing to say. She's already arguing over contact time as if she sees this as something that is definitely happening and I agree that she's staking a claim. It is her attempt to make sure that you absolutely do "get used to it", as if she sees your child as her property.
It would make me withdraw from all attempts to "smooth" things over or make any concessions.
Carry on organising your schedule in a way that makes sense for you and your child.
Why should you take a pay cut to have a day to yourself with your baby so that she can take over that time? and as for your baby having long commutes to her house and back on that day, it would be a firm no.
I would be very fed up with a DP, who was actively ignoring the practicalities of of the situation and and your wishes to spend your day off with your child in and putting his mother's demands first.
She has had her time bringing up a family. She doesn't get to dictate your time.

There are no grandparents' rights in law. Grandparents can seek to get a court order for access, but have to go through mediation first. This last is where eg their son has died and his widow refuses access; or post divorce, similar.

Why should she say she's sorry?

She sounds absolutely horrendous.
Her statement about you splitting is plain nasty.
I certainly hope you won't move near this awful women and consider the lives of your older children.

He sounds awful, shit partner, shit father, with a shit mother to boot.

What a shower.
Stop trying to placate such an awful woman who is hovering waiting for you to split up so she can swoop in.

Exactly. That's the last thing she should say. She needs to say a big fat NO. Make it crystal clear who is the mum, who is in charge. And the DP can deal with the fall out.

I think you need to relocate to New Zealand with outlaws like that.

I'd be feeling uneasy with my infant age child being 2 hours away. That would be enough for me to "thank you, but no". She is welcome to come over to spend time with her or take her out for a couple of hours.
As she gets older it will be more beneficial for everyone, but as she's so small, it seems uncomfortable for her to be so far away from home.

outlaws 😂Im crying!😂

My goodness, you are so in the right and your DP and MIL are so in the wrong.

Worryingly, as I have two boys, boy mums literally go insane when faced with daughter in laws and grandchildren in my experience (two mother in laws). I don’t understand it and I pray to god I remember their utterly bat shit behaviour and never ever treat my daughter in law in the same way.

your baby is your baby. There is ‘being selfish’ with your own baby. Enjoy them while they are little because as you know it bloody well flies by. Don’t give up time you have carved out for yourself to a grandparent!!!

Honestly, please don’t back down on this for anybody. You will never get this previous one day a week back. It’s yours and your babies day! So stand your ground, and how dare she call you selfish!!!

If you are driving 2 hours to hers that seems ridiculous. If she wants to spend time with the baby she can come to you. Otherwise use the more local help. Where she lives isn't your problem.

I wouldn't recommend this. Even if MIL were willing to come to you and change her day off to look after the baby, you'd need to be happy with that arrangement.

I never had my parents or in laws look after any of mine. I preferred to pay a nanny, because I wanted to have my children in the hands of people who would follow my instructions and who I could ask to do things differently without it causing relationship problems in my family. I know others who are very happy to have the grandparents help, but for every family where that works there seems to be another where it doesn't, and as a FT working mum with a 30 year career under my belt I know that things only work and are tolerable if you are happy with your childcare set up.

Stick to your guns on this one, and good luck!

I've just read more of the thread. I actually think the best way to handle this is by saying yes I am going to be selfish with my baby! Don't apologise. You are managing a lot with a very absent DP. Do what makes you happy.

You are completely right OP. MIL is completely unreasonable. You have one week day off and she wants the baby on that day? Delusional. Please please dont be bullied into this stand your groud!

Did you give birth for the sake of your mil? And your Dp not standing up for you?
Honestly…

Forgot to add: your Dp sees him and the children along with his mother as a unit and you another unit. Be very careful. This doesn’t bode well.
That he doesn’t see you as a caring and involved mother who wants quality time with a one year old but supports his mum in taking that time away is really troubling.

I really can’t get my head around how some people’s brains work.
She is being completely unreasonable. Weird even. Your partner must see that. He needs to toughen up a bit and tell his mum that this isn’t helpful or realistic. You’ve said all you need to say on the matter now. Just don’t entertain it any further xx

I am outraged on your behalf. Hold that boundary.

“I have arranged my working week to spend a day with my baby while she is little, so that’s what I’m going to do. I appreciate the offer of help though. What would really help is if you respected this.”

She's toxic and your DP needs to take your side!!!!

This is a baby not a toy, more importantly your baby.

OP you took that time to share quality time with you LO and it is important your Bub has your input, and bonds with you in these first 4/7 years. It’s your family, your child, she’s imprinting on and learning she’s part of. Not MIL.

MIL’s don’t have any rights over grandchildren but if they are lucky to have a good relationship with you, similar values, supporting your parenting and relationships between you and your children then and only then MIL’s in general I hope would respectfully offer support without selfish reasons. If she’s not respectful of you being the mother of your child and treats the situation like she has dibs and hurt if you don’t move around her then she’s not off to a good start as a role model and responsible adult emotionally, or as any support to you.

Just my personal opinion.

An idea moving forward:
As you are her mother OP. If MIL would like to spend time with your child then MIL needs your consent. To do this you could strip it back and offer her to come visit for a coffee to see “you” OP once a month and she can thank her lucky stars if she sees your LO, It might give her a chance to start afresh and approach offering “you” her support from scratch another healthier way.

Remember she’s offering you support not your baby. Perhaps she’s lost sight and has a touch of the green eyed monster .🤷‍♀️